Tuesday, April 29, 2008

It's the little things

Today the little things made me happy. I did not go to work today, my head was still hurting and my dear wonderful hubby, who is also my boss was completely ok with that. I would like to think that he got it and understood that this huge knot and cut on the side of my head was not a joke. So I was able to sleep more as I did not sleep well during the night due to my head hurting. When I did get up I watched a little tv and cleaned both the master and hall bathroom upstairs. It took me about twice as long as it normally would but I just wasn't up to pushing myself with this headache. I was able to watch some more tv before it was time to pick the kids up from dance. We then met my Mom and hubby and my best friend for dinner. Hubby has been especially attentive since last night. We had a blow-out after my injury. It's been a longtime coming as we have not been on the same page for a few weeks. I swear I have tried but he has been so wrapped up in work issues (yes, I understand and I have been supportive)but he has been distant. After our blow-out which involved me screaming and crying and telling him I don't feel important (I cited examples), the light clicked and he seems to have gotten it. I don't expect perfection, nor do I expect to always be the center of his universe, but I do need to feel that there are times when I will come first. I felt that my head wound counted as an instance of importance.

The kids are busy with dance, recital is coming up soon and they both take performing seriously. Lovely daughter's pointe shoes were ordered today and they should be in by Wed. She is soooo excited and she is soooo ready. This week is also CRCT testing for the county for her grade and several others and she gets a little nervous as doing well is important to her. Son is counting down the days till school is over for him. Even though I homeschool him I keep his schedule in sync with daughter's as it it makes holidays easier. 10th grade next year, I cannot believe how quickly he has grown up.

Another random photo for today....

This is from a dance competition about 5 years ago, which would make daughter 5 yrs and son 10 yrs. They were sooo cute and little then.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Not so good end to the weekend

The weekend ended badly, but first let me address my vision just so there is no confusion nor am I misrepresenting information. I am well aware of my true diagnosis and the reasons behind it (my old age...LOL), but my opthamologist/optometrist (he is both) agrees that my job requiring me to be focused on a computer screen for 8 hours a day, well it plays a part. On to the rest of my weekend.

My nephew had his 8th Birthday party today. It was at my sister's house. They rented one of those large blow-up jumpy things and the kids had a blast. Lots of snacks and fun to be had by all. The weekend took a turn for the worse as we began clean-up. I was helping bring chairs inside from the backyard. The round kitchen table had been put back in its place in the kitchen, there is a large glass light fixture that hangs from the ceiling that they usually center the table under. It was not centered this time. I was arranging chairs around the table and turned to go get more and I slammed the side of my head into this light fixture. The lights went out for a split second and I swear I saw stars. I was off balance and grabbed the side of my head, looked down and saw blood dripping furiously through my fingers toward the floor. I screamed in pain and my family came running. My Mom and sister are both nurses and they were a little freaked. The blood was pouring from my head. My Mom guided me to the sink and I hung my head over it while she grabbed a rag and pressed it to my head. At this point I looked at my hands and saw they were covered with blood and blood was splattering in the bottom of the kitchen sink, I was a little nervous. We moved to the couch so I could lay down and my Mom could continue putting pressure on the wound but also so she could take a peek. The bleeding slowed and my Mom was able to look at the wound and determined it was about an inch long and pretty deep. I continued with the pressure and with ice for the next 30mins and the bleeding stopped. Talk about a headache, I have hit my head fairly hard before but nothing compared to this. As I sit here 9 hours later and several ibuprofen and acetaminophen later I still have a headache. Although I could have used a few stitches I decided against it. I had not desire to sit in an emergency room waiting area for several hours to be seen and then have a Dr. stab me with a needle in the sorest part of my head. I decided to go home, rest and keep an eye on it. I had to wash my hair as it was caked with blood and that wouldn't go over to well at work tomorrow, but at this point I'm not sure if I will go in.

So it started out a good weekend and ended with a huge headache.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Good weekend

So far it's been a good weekend. Friday night started out with potential drama. Earlier in the day one of the girls from the dance studio started some drama over movie plans that several of the kids had made. We love this girl (Nina) to death, but she has a habit of being manipulative with our son. She was his first crush and he loves her dearly still, in fact they are best friends. He is over the crush part and has moved on, she has a boyfriend. The problem comes when the boyfriend is not around, she wants to the center of son's attention. He complies often (he's only 15 and still learning relationship dynamics). He finally figured out he was being manipulated and stood up for himself. The daughter (Carolyn) of our friends got caught monkey in the middle because son is very close with her too. Clear heads prevailed, instead of being drawn into more drama son and we went to dinner with our friends and Carolyn. Daughter had her best friend over for the night so we had quite a lively crowd at dinner. On to Cold Stone Creamery for ice cream for all. Back to the house for a movie. Son learned something and decided his night was better for removing himself from the other situation.

Today the kids had dance... regular Sat. class for son and then review of audio competition critiques. Then on to the mall for a little snack and shopping. Daughter had several Old Navy gift cards and she picked out a couple of cute outfits. I got 2 new pair of Dr. Scholls sandals...love them!! Son got a new beanie with brim and a Jimi Hendrix cd. Hubby bought himself some new Izod plaid shorts and polos. Almost forgot, I picked up the greatest lip stain from "Aeirie" It's a clothing store for younger girls, but I had to buy this stuff....I love it. OOOO..... I had my 1st eye exam in probably 20 yrs. I have difficulty reading up close, no problem with distance. I really only need reading glasses, so we got the ones that are the prescribed strength and they seem to help. I'm sure the vision issues are related to being on the computer 8 hours a day.

Finally shopping was done, daughter went to spend the night with her Mema and cousin. Hubby, son & Carolyn went to the bowling alley for a few games and food. Our bowling alley has awesome food...crazy huh. I won the 1st game...yep that's how I roll. Long day ended at 10:30pm with us on our way home. Worth every penny spent, all the hours on my feet. Laughs, smiles and just good times had by all.

A plus, hubby and I had a good talk about our infertility and we discussed whether I should have the surgery to remove my tube. We have more to talk about, but we both agree that once its done we can't go back and undo it.

Sound boring to go back and read this post, but it's not all about the stress, sometimes its about the mundane daily life.

My son and his best friend after "Blues Brothers" they are loved by all their fans.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I hate doubt

I hate feeling doubt and confusion. It seems to be invoking much internal anxiety for me, to have the surgery, to not have the surgery. Can we try to conceive without assistance? How long should we try without going back for assistance? What kind of assistance should we pursue? Is IVF the right choice? Is the cost not really worth the risk of failure? Can I handle another failed IVF? All of these questions are bouncing around in my brain all day and night. It makes me feel super emotional and its hard to function like this.

We went to look at an SUV for our son today, he's only 15yrs old but we are looking for a vehicle for him already. Unfortunately it was not in good shape like we hoped, we have time though. Buying a decent, reliable, safe vehicle is important to us as we don't want to worry anymore than necessary. Some people may think that that makes my son spoiled, but really buying him a vehicle is beneficial to us as parents also. I don't always have the time to do all the taxi driving that my children need. I cannot wait till he gets his full license.

My dearest daughter has recently gotten super motivated about dance due to the prospect of getting on pointe this summer. She has old pointe shoes from some girls at our studio and she plays around in her room with them. Now she has taken an interest in improving her skills and doing her own choreography and videoing it for herself. She's only 10 yrs old so its nice to see this level of maturity in her. We are also facing some typical pre-teen hormone stuff, moody, body development and changes. Its not fun so far, I never anticipated this with her as she has been so mellow her whole life. The poor men in our home, two hormonal ladies living with them...LOL

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Lots of thinking to do

I have so much on my mind. I had a follow up appt. with my General Physician (GP) today. He just wanted to keep track of what is going on with me. He looked at my belly-button and assured me that I needed to wait till my next surgery to have it repaired. After going over my diagnosis with him he stated that removing my fallopian tube is going to lessen our chances of conceiving. I know this already, and his words keep playing over and over in my head. I have so many doubts and questions. I don't want to cut my chances of conception in half at this point in my life, my chances are already lower than I want them to be. We really can't afford to do IVF again, although I know hubby will make it happen for us if its what I really want. Sometimes I wonder if we should try on our own for 2 months to see if we can get pregnant by ourselves. What if my quitting smoking a few months ago increases our chances of conception? Last time we got pregnant I had cut down significantly. We haven't really been able to try on our own since the IVF in January, there was a slight chance in February but then all the pain began.

I have to believe that if I have reasonable doubt about whether to have this surgery at this time than I probably shouldn't. Unfortunately its not reversible, once I give the ok, its done and there goes half my fertility. I am not ready to give it up, I am about preserving it. I have had faith and felt very comfortable and happy with my treatment by my RE up till this point. Now I have to wonder if this is the best choice for me at this time.

The kids had a dance competition this weekend. It was amazing. Everyone did so well and I am so proud of my two. The Pas de deux that my son did with his dance partner received the highest marks this weekend. It may seem selfish of me to want another child when I already have two perfect, healthy children. It is selfish, but I want to share the joy of having a child with my husband. I want to share the wonder of pregnancy, and babyhood, and childhood with my husband.

My daughter, the personal back stomper for sore dancers...

My son and his partner....one of their many lifts.

Friday, April 18, 2008

The pokey outy thingy

There is a pokey outy thingy coming out of my belly-button. Hubby and I both think it is a part of my belly-button that used to be on the inside of my body as I never had any appendages coming out of my bb before. It is extremely sensitive, even to air and it looks raw and red. Hubby wants me to call the Dr. tomorrow, but I don't think he will want to do anything until my next surgery in June. I think he will want me to heal at little more.

I told hubby tonight that one of the reasons I wanted to put my surgery off till June is that it gives me time to really think about my decision. I want to be absolutely sure I am doing the right thing for me. I feel the need to spend time in prayer and then wait on God to lead and direct me to the right decision. Only God truly knows my ache to have another child, I believe that his guidance will be in accordance with his will for me and my desire to have another baby. Also, waiting till June gives me and hubby a little time to try and get pregnant on our own, who knows, it could happen. What a miracle that would be, it would definitely put surgery on the back burner. The RE did confirm for me that this SIN would not interfere in a healthy pregnancy and would not damage me further.

The kids have a dance competition this weekend. Fortunately its local so we don't have to travel and many of our friends can attend. The kids always enjoy performing for a hometown crowd.

My niece is having an MRI in the morning. She is 11yrs old and has been experiencing frequent headaches that are causing blurring of her vision. Her Dr. has ordered the MRI to rule out anything serious in her head. We are praying that it is nothing serious and that the Dr. will know how to treat her .

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I got answers

Yep, I got answers and I don't like them. Funnily enough my RE was pretty excited. Why you ask, I asked him the same question. His response..."Because now I know what I'm dealing with". Very inspiring. Basically I have two choices.

Choice #1: Don't do anything, keep suffering in pain, and risk an ectopic pregnancy if I were so lucky to even get pregnant.

Choice #2: Have my right fallopian tube removed. Resection, reconstruction, not really options without increasing my chance of an ectopic pregnancy even more. He did say he could also remove the ovary from that side so that my left ovary would kick in double time for sure. A no brainer...nope, I am keeping both my ovaries cause you never know what the future holds. Fortunately the RE agreed with me.

He agreed with me that our chances of conceiving naturally with one tube go down, but I also caught that look in his eyes that said "Right, like that would happen at your age". But he also agreed that the body can and will compensate for the loss of one tube and he did say IVF was still an option for us.

I don't feel like I have much choice if I want to be free of the pain and I want to keep trying to conceive. Healing would be at least a month before we could begin trying again. After much thought I made the decision to schedule surgery for June 19th. It's a ways off, but the kids will be out of school by then, major dance stuff for them will be over and its the middle of the month so it wont interfere with my end of the month work. It's just the best time for me and it gives me a little more time to come to terms with this decision and who knows maybe we will get preggo on our own before then.

In the meantime hubby is supposed to have back surgery for the 3rd time so we are going to try and get his done before mine so he has time to recuperate before its my turn. He has a bulging disk and its compressing a nerve so he is in constant pain. We are a fine pair to try for a baby in our current painful grouchy state.

I know I am all over the map with this post, but my brain is all over the place. Honestly so is my heart. I am so disappointed, my heart aches and my arms are still empty. I so very much want to have a child with my husband, I want to share that joy with him. At this point for me, I just have to cling to my Faith to get me through.

Random picture of the day:
She's really limber

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I have SIN

Yep, I have SIN ....salpingitis isthmica nodosa of my right fallopian tube. I knew something was there, I knew it. Two days pre-op when meeting with the RE he point blank told me that we were probably wasting our time and that the only thing he anticipated finding was a little endo. Boy was he wrong...he actually called my hubby from the OR ask him if he should remove the tube now or wake me and do it later. Hubby and RE and I had discussed and decided that unless it was life or death that nothing would be removed except scar tissue or endo. So hubby told him no, to wake me. I don't remember much, but hubby says that RE told him after surgery..."Well, it wasn't in her head."...Duh...it was in my tube. So I have this SIN and its at the point where the Fallopian tube meets my uterus. It is large and it is causing me pain. We are pretty sure it is the result of the cornual pregnancy from 2yrs ago. Usually they result from an infection and with the fetal tissue that was left in there for 2 months I would not be shocked if it didn't cause an infection. My SIN is very maze like inside the nodule. At this point aside from the pain this SIN can cause infertility, preventing the egg and sperm from meeting, it increases my chances of an ectopic pregnancy. I have to wonder if that's why we have not conceived yet, has God been protecting us due to this SIN? I have to ask the RE if getting pregnant while having this would cause a this thing to rupture, maybe we have to have it removed before we are blessed with a pregnancy. My post-op appt. is tomorrow and I am anxious and looking forward to it at the same time. I have so many questions, I am grateful that I got answers from the surgery, even if I am not happy about the answers. I am glad to confirm that I am not crazy and the pain was not in my head. Can I just interject that I had no idea that Lap. surgery was so painful after the fact and how horrible my belly-button would look and feel. The incision in my pubic hair-line is minor and healing well with only minor soreness, my belly-button is a completely different story. It is bruised, swollen and super-glued shut, not a pretty sight, even my kids think it's gross. I will probably have to have this tube removed and that sucks big time. It can decrease the chances of our ability to conceive naturally, like old eggs and being 41 isn't enough . I just feel like I keep getting kicked in the teeth. I am not sure how a tubal removal effects our conception plans in the short or long term. What about IVF? Will this increase or decrease our chances of success? It is soooo imperative to me to preserve my fertility at this point. I mean I quit smoking, made healthier changed to my diet and lifestyle, its time, I am soooo ready for all this pain, surgery, etc to be over and to get back on track to making a baby.

I will update after I have my post-op appt. and have had the chance to digest all the info.

Here's another random photo:

My nephew (left) my son (right) jammin out in the driveway with family in the garage. We had a family cook-out for my son's birthday and it was a blast.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

So much to tell...but I'm tired

I'm tired and overwhelmed. Surgery went well, meaning no complications and I am recovering. I received my answers and will go into detail at a later time. I'm tired from surgery, recovery, family visits, a party for the kids dance team tomorrow and the end of Spring Break with school starting on Monday> I am so not looking forward to school starting again. I am soooooo ready for summer, I am ready to feel better, I am ready to work part-time, I am ready to get pregnant and have a healthy enjoyable pregnancy that leads to a happy, healthy baby.
The news from my surgery answers my questions, and its not life threatening so that's good, but the answers were not what I was hoping for and it may alter our plans to try and conceive or it may be the answer as to why we haven't conceived and the resolution may help us conceive. I am slowing accepting that it is really in God's hands and I just have to have Faith.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Surgery tomorrow

Well, actually its today because its after midnight as I type this. Both kids went to spend the night with their best friends tonight. Even though they are both old enough to be home together without an adult its nice for them to be distracted with friends while I go for surgery. Plus they will have a ride to dance. My Mom took tomorrow off so she could be there for my surgery and to help with the kids if we need it.

I had my prescriptions filled today, an antibiotic (doxicycline) and percocet for pain. I really hope the pain wont be that bad. It's been weird, for about a week my pain has been kind of far off and now right before surgery it's been back for about 3 days. I am sooooo ready for some kind of answer.

My desire to get pregnant has had to take a backseat due to all the pain issues I have been dealing with for the past 2 months. I cannot believe that it has been almost 3 months since our IVF. The pain of the failure has lessened but the desire to get pregnant and have a healthy baby is still strong. I haven't allowed myself the opportunity to dwell on it at this point in the process. Who knows, maybe this break from all treatments will be beneficial for our next efforts at conception. We would love to conceive all by ourselves, but I am ready and willing to try super ovulation a few more times or IVF one more time, we can't afford more than one more try, unless we have frozen embies that we could try with. I am hoping and praying that my stopping smoking awhile back and the surgery and the general health improvements I have made will increase our chances. Seeing a pregnant lady at Target today made me wistful, her belly was so round and she just glowed. I want that.

Say a prayer for me, a successful and safe surgery.

Off the subject ~ I have enjoyed adding pictures to my post so I have decided to randomly add them when the whim hits, and I feel a whim.

This is the fort in our backyard...very cool huh.
It played a large part in our decision to purchase our home. It is massive and all the kids love it, so do most of the parents that see it.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Up and coming

We had the most fabulous time in Jax, Fla. at the kid's dance competition. They both did really well and the team as a whole placed 1st or 2nd in every category. My son even came home to friend requests on his myspace account from girls from another studio they competed against. It's that charm, winning smile and amazing dance skills he inherited from me...LOL


My daughter in the very center

"Remember the Name"

Son, the only boy in the pic

I had my pre-op appt. with my RE on Monday. He did an ultrasound and didn't really have much to say about it. I assume everything looked the way he hoped or he would have said otherwise. He feels I am barking up the wrong tree and that he wont find anything, I on the other hand know in my heart something is not right. There is no reason for me to be in pain if something weren't wrong. He met with us after the u/s and described the procedure. He will be going in through my belly-button, and possibly another spot right above my pubic line. He will taking a good look-see through out, internal and external uterus, ovaries, and fallopian tubes. Any scar tissue, adhesion's and endo he will laser. Anything more he wont do at the time unless it is imminently life threatening, otherwise he will wake me up and we will discuss if I need something else done. It's day surgery so I will go home after I am stable and am to rest for 4 days. At this point I am optimistically nervous and basically ready to just get this over with and get an answer.

I had an Epiphany today regarding my depression and how it feels like it is hot on my tail. It made complete sense, but I will go into later.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

It's officially my Birthday...it's after midnight so it counts in my book. Last night was a crappy night for me. It's been a long time since I had a major meltdown, years in fact. Tonight the old crap reared its ugly head. I have battled depression since I was 14 yrs old, it has been a horrific experience at times. Sometimes I could keep the face and stay strong and often I could barely keep my head above water. I have been off my anti-depressants for 2 years and have managed to keep an even keel so far. This new battle I have been facing, the battle with secondary age related infertility has been kicking my emotional and physical butt. I can't give up or give in, but my guard was down tonight and I melted into a raging puddle. I am embarrassed to admit that my children were present and they were upset because I was upset. When I had calmed down and composed myself I had to take time with each child and apologize (no I was not abusive in any way during my meltdown). I had to apologize for upsetting them and also explain a little about my depression and the strain I am under. Not too many details, but they were already aware that I have battled depression so I just explained how it can take a toll on your mind and body. They are ok now, it was sad for all of us. I promised them that I was not going to be defeated by my depression and that they are my strength to always keep fighting.
We head out of town tomorrow for the kids dance competition, I am not looking forward to the trip but I can't wait to see the kids dance. They inspire me and make me sooo proud to be their Mom.
Happy 41st Birthday to Me!!!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

April 1st....41 in 3 days

Yep, I will be 41 yrs old in 3 days...I wish it was an April Fools joke but no such luck. Actually I should be grateful to be blessed to still be here on this earth. No one is promised tomorrow.
I am counting down the days till my Lap. surg on April 10th.
The kids have a dance competition this weekend. I usually love competition time, but not this year. There is so much going on for us, Competition in another state, then their Father wants to then take them from competition to his house in Fla. for Spring Break. It's just a logistical and packing nightmare. We have to travel with quite a bit of luggage for costumes and to have to pack extra clothes for time with their Dad just means extra bags and more laundry prior to the trip. Normally I don't bitch about their visits with their Dad, normally Spring Break and competitions don't coincide. To top all that off son wants to come home early from his Dad's so he can celebrate his Birthday with his cousins from out of town. They will be traveling through the weekend after competition and son desperately wants to see his cousins and have a belated Birthday celebration with them. To do this cuts down the time the kids spend with their Dad over Spring Break. It all comes down to bad timing and I'm leaving it up to son as I try my best not to interfere with visitation. Their Father usually wants me to meet him half-way to pick up kids from visitation, and usually that is not a problem. But, now that son wants to come home early for family visit it is a huge issue, the day they would need to come home is the day of my surgery. Pretty obvious that I will not be able to drive (half-way point round trip is 6 hrs), hubby will be taking care of me post-op and my Mother has to work that night (she's a nurse) and she has to sleep during the day. All of these factors mean my Ex would have to bring the kids all the way home and then drive back either the same day or the next and that wont work for him. See its one big confusing, stressful mess and what would normally not faze me has me twisted and unable to relax. It doesn't help that I am still in pain, but hey, my fever blister is almost gone so I am less ogreish in appearance.
All the fertility stuff seems to have taken a back seat right now, at least physically and for everyone else but me. It is always in my heart and mind. I am trying to remain focused, positive and strong in my faith.

My journey with family & age related secondary infertility