Thursday, May 29, 2008

Summer vacation...hurry up...(kids mentioned)

I cannot wait for school to be over for this school year. Both of my kids are sooo over school. M - is doing 2 days worth of work 3 times a week so he can be done sooner. Since he is homeschooled we have that flexibility. R - is dragging, unfortunately she does not have the same luxury as M. She attends a Montessori school so we are subjected to their schedule and that means she has school until June 13th. What happened to the days of summer, back in the day summer vacation was June thru August with everyone going back right after Labor day. Summer should be a full 3 months, at least in my opinion.

I have managed to manage my stress without having to resort to meds. If you knew me, you would realize that is nothing shy of a miracle. But this weekend begins the real stress. I am the parent of 2 dancers and recital is June 7th. My kids will be in approximately 10 dances each, just a guesstimate as M dances more than R due to his being homeschooled. That is 20 costumes total. Do you have any idea how expensive dance costumes are? Unlimited dance classes? All types of dance shoes, ballet, tap, jazz, etc. Recital is the culmination of a years worth of blood sweat and tears, and not just for the kids. I am a basket case by the time the recital curtains go up. Don't get me wrong...I love it and so do the kids. It wouldn't be worth the time and money if they didn't. I am just soooo worn out by this time of year. I have to organize all the costumes & accessories , putting them in performance order for quick changes. I have to make sure both kids have new tights, and that their shoes are in good shape (no dirty ballet shoes on stage). I have to make sure I have all hair and make-up stuff together for both kids, yep, even M has to wear make-up on stage otherwise he would be washed out. It's always amazing and I am always so proud but then the clean-up begins, making sure everything is accounted for after the show, all pieces and parts gathered and then costumes cleaned and made ready for storage. Why keep the costumes when it's over? Considering we spend several thousand $ a year on costumes and sometimes parts of them can be re-used or mixed & matched with a new costume, well it's worth the hassle of storage.

New random pic of kids in one of last years recital costumes.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Memorial Day ....Thank You

A big Thank You to all the veterans and active duty military personnel!! My husband is retired Army and served for almost 25 yrs. I feel blessed that he loves his country enough that he dedicated such a large portion of his life to serving our country. We had a special family day today, started with church and then lunch (a little rocky) and then fun at the pool with family. I now have a few funky tan lines from not rotating enough while at the pool..LOL

Fertility related thoughts were bouncing in my head today. I so badly want to share the joy of pregnancy and raising a child with my husband, but. Yep, sister-in-law came to the pool with my 2 nephews today, a 2 1/2 yr old and a 9 month old. Wonderful, sweet, amazing boys, I love them sooo much, but I really watched how much work it was for her. She had to bring so much stuff with her, swim diapers, floats, water-wings, snacks, regular diapers, bottles, etc. Then I realized that she can't just get in the water to cool off when she wants, she can't lay out on the chair and read or relax. For me to go to the pool with my kids, we take the normal essentials (towels, sunscreen, water and snacks) after those items my kids choose what pool fun they want to bring. Everyone carries their own stuff. My kids both swim, and swim very well ( R-she's 10 1/2 and M-he's 15) I can get in and out of the pool at my whim, I don't have to entertain as they usually hook up with friends, I can read and relax without having to watch them like a hawk (I don't sleep, I look up and and listen out for their voices). I realized that I might not want to give up that luxury, sounds petty, but there are other things too. I can sleep in, I have help with household chores. My kids can stay home together without an adult when hubby and I go on the occasional date. My kids can fix their own food if necessary (sandwiches, soup, etc) Everyday that goes by that I am not pregnant and getting older I realize I have it sooo good, and do I really want to mess with that. It sounds flaky, but I guess it's normal to be wishy-washy when dealing with infertility and all the emotional crap that it involves. I know I would never regret having another child, I would love a new child as much as I love my existing children, and it's a real possibility I might regret not continuing to try to have another child. It all just messes with your head, and for sure my brain is tired and I am sick and tired of feeling physically and mentally crappy from either the hormones or the disappointment that goes with infertility. I just wish it were easier and more clear-cut.

Random picture for today:

A picture of my son with the Batman brownies I made.....he still wants to grow up to be Batman...LOL

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


Today was busy. My lovely daughter woke up complaining of a headache and a stiff neck. I assumed the stiff neck was from sleeping on it funny and the headache was from the morning congestion, thinking back now, who wakes up with a headache, I should have paid better attention. Hubby took her to school as it was my turn to open the office. I sent her off with instructions to call me if it didn't get better. 30 minutes after she arrived at school the nurse called to let me know that she had a fever so off I went to pick her up. We were slightly concerned (stiff neck, fever and headache can mean meningitis) but after running through a few observations we determined that she probably just has a viral bug. I brought her home and gave her Motrin and Benedryl and she took a bath and went to sleep. My son stayed home with her while I went back to work for a little while. ( My office is literally 3 minutes from my house and son is 15 yrs old so I felt comfortable leaving) I brought the kids lunch and daughter got up, ate a bit and took more Motrin and went back to bed.

I made the decision to cook for dinner tonight. A miracle...last time I cooked was Feb 14, 2007, I hate cooking. Before going home I trekked to the store and bought groceries, it was foreign....I also hate grocery shopping. Arrived home to daughter still sleeping and son caught a ride to dance. The amazing thing about coming home early is the ability to get things done around the house. I really wanted to nap but knew if I laid down that would be it, I would crash. Instead I did laundry and prepared brownies with powered sugar Batman emblems on them...very cool! Daughter got up, took more Motrin and went back to sleep again, I made sure she was drinking so as to stay hydrated. I cooked and it was awesome, I can cook, I just choose not too. Daughter (R) ate chicken noodle soup after taking her 2nd bath of the day. She said the baths helped her aches in her bones. She was still running fever but seemed to be feeling a little better, I'm sure the sleep helped. She will stay home with Son (M) in the morning while I go into the office till noon and then we will take him to homeschool dance and she and I will come home and chill for the rest of the day. I think we will cook something for dinner together if she feels up to it, she loves to cook.

In the midst of all this we had someone call out sick today at work which is why I had to go back in after picking R up from school. Normally it wouldn't be a problem but we had visitors in the office today and that required a full staff.

For the past week I have been waking up with my hands and feet slightly swollen, usually this only happens right before my period and it subsides once I am up and moving. I am no where near starting my period and it never lasts more than a day or two, and its lasting all day. Weird. My hormones are probably so mixed up. I still want a baby, one baby, all these shows on TV about multiples and having 2 little ones visit have convinced me I am too old for more than one...LOL Sometimes I see myself pregnant again so clearly, it comes out of the blue, and other times it feels like it will never happen. I can see it in my mind and I feel it in my heart, my heart aches to love another child, to create a child with my husband. This weekend with visiting little ones brought home to me how wonderful my husband is with other children and I can only imagine how amazing he would be with ours. I so want to share that with him.

Niece E & R with C (little visitor) swinging in our backyard

Monday, May 19, 2008

I did it

What you ask did I do? I made it through the past 2 weekends without needing my anti-anxiety meds. That is a major accomplishment considering what I was dealing with. We had that cookout the first weekend and this past weekend we had company. I was thrilled to see our company, but it always stresses me out...most people can understand that. I had to get my house in order, and then we small children here. A 4 yr old and an 14 month old. I have many nieces and nephews but we haven't had a little one in the house for an extended period in quite awhile. The most nerve wracking is the fact that we have stairs. So needless to say I am exhausted from being on my toes the entire weekend, but we had a great time.

The kids are so ready for school to be over for the year. It seems to be dragging for all of us, and we still have till June!

Random pic of the day:

Hubby dancing with one of our guests

Monday, May 12, 2008

Happy Mother's Day

Today was Mother's Day, we went to church with my Mom and then to lunch with her and my brother's family. I am blessed with an amazing family. My husband is a good listener and bought me this dress that I have been eyeing for weeks and my kids got me Target gift cards...I love Target. I was then able to come home and get a nap in with no interruption. It would have been nice to do something outdoors today but the weather was rainy for the most part.

Hubby and I went to the cookout I mentioned previously. We had so much fun. It was awesome to see friends I had not seen in years and to introduce hubby to everyone. It was a little crazy as I had never been to a cookout that was being filmed for TV, but surprisingly enough I wasn't nervous and being interviewed was interesting to say the least.

My belly-button has not completely healed and I still have that small protrusion. I have resigned myself to having this surgery, I feel at this point I cannot live with the pain, especially since I am never sure of when it will strike. I still want to get pregnant, and we will be putting our best effort forth this month, you never know it could happen. My ambivalence about having a baby comes and goes. I think its my hearts way of protecting me from disappointment especially with my upcoming surgery.

Friday, May 9, 2008

It's back

The pain came back with this cycle and I can't believe I forgot how bad it was. I have been on the fence about having this surgery and now I have fallen off the fence. I can't believe how bad the pain is and that I forgot how bad it is. I guess it's God's way of protecting us. I am sooo miserable. This time I didn't wait, I called the Dr. and made an appt for the same day. My GP prescribed me some Darvocet to get me through the worst of it. I really don't like the way it makes me feel, it doesn't work as well as hydro-codone and honestly I need the hard stuff for this pain. I also had him prescribe me some Ativan to help with my stress. I used to be on Elavil for depression and have been off of it for about 2 years. I am trying to hold out in hopes of getting pregnant, hopefully the Ativan on an as needed basis will get me through the rough times.

I have a cook-out to go to on Sat. afternoon. It should be interesting. I have had a friend for years who has battled weight issues. She has some connections in the Entertainment industry, friendships she has built over the years she lived in California. At this point she has been given the opportunity to share her journey through television. Hubby and I are going to the cookout to celebrate her losing 50lbs so far and for the tv crew to film this event. After the party I have a scheduled interview with the producers. I am assuming I will be asked how we met my take on her battle thus far. Crazy huh? I don't want to use names as I don't want to steal her thunder and she has her own web page. As time goes by I may feel free to disclose more details.

Random photo: Kids dancing at hubby's nephew's wedding reception in Maine this past December.

My journey with family & age related secondary infertility