Not fertility

A non-fertility related post...a first for me maybe. Tonight my 15yr old son had his first date, not only that it was a blind date. His best friend has a girl that he likes and he really wanted to go out with her so he corralled son into going on a double date. Son was hesitant but willing to be his friend's wingman. They all met at Outback Steakhouse. Evidentially things went well. Son said the girl that was his date was very pretty and he really enjoyed getting to know her. He said he hopes that they can do dinner again. This girl is a year older than him, not a bad thing, she can drive on dates...LOL. Actually my wonderful son is great, he is very mature and respectful. All the years of dance, especially the partnering have made him grow up and deal with girls on a different level than most boys his age. He has an affinity for older girls, giggly ones get on his nerves.
Here is my attempt at adding a picture of him.....

This was Nutcracker practice this past November 2007, he's the one flipping one girl on his back while the other girl is beneath him. It was an amazing performance and a wonderful opportunity to perform with a professional company, and now he is on to dating. They grow up way too fast.

How much for a trade in?

I am officially falling apart so I was thinking of trading myself in for a newer model. The final straw...a huge, disgusting fever blister on my upper lip. I was fortunate to make it through the first 38 years of my life without ever experiencing a fever blister. When I had that cornual pregnancy 2 years ago is when I was cursed with my first fever blister. It was horrible, I had no idea how painful they could be and how badly they could make one feel. Fast forward to the present and day before yesterday I awoke to the familiar tingle on my lip. It didn't take long for it to develop into a full blown festering fever blister. Fortunately for me my Ob/Gyn called me in a refill for Famvir and it shouldn't take long to kick in. For the moment I look like a prize fighter that lost the prize.

I spoke to the RE's office today. I am to continue the b/c pills, taking the last active pill on April 1st. My pre-op appt. is scheduled for April 7th and surgery is still on for April 10th. I am so ready for this surgery. I feel in my gut and my heart that there is something going on with my right fallopian tube. Whether it is endo, scar tissue or left over fetal tissue from 2 years ago (not ruling that out) I just feel like I know my body and I know the pain is the same as the cornual pregnancy and its not going away. I am ready to be fixed so we can move forward with trying for a baby.

No change

Nothing much has changed as far as my pain issues go. My flank pain only rears its head toward the end of the day, my abdominal pain is pretty much constant with the intensity fluctuating. I am so over this, its pathetic, I cannot wait to have this Lap. surgery and get some answers and hopefully relief.
My son had his 15th Birthday on Saturday...why do they have to grow up so fast? Due to the Holiday weekend we weren't able to go to the DMV till yesterday to get his Learners Permit. He was so nervous but he had studied so I felt confident he would do well. It was awesome...he passed with flying colors. His face lit up when he saw me after he was finished. I was and am still filled with pride in him. After he got his picture taken and his permit handed to him I handed him the keys and asked him if he was ready to drive. He could not believe I was actually going to let him drive...he was soooo excited. I have to say he has been very receptive to instruction and is actually a very good driver. He is cautious and shows great awareness, I hope that that will continue as we have this year to prepare for him to get his actual Drivers License. In the meantime I kind of like being able to sit in the passenger seat.

UGH!!!

Saw my regular RE on Wed. He determined that the larger of the two sacs in my uterus is a fibroid cyst probably in my uterine lining, the other one has fluid in it and he is not quite sure what it is. The cyst on my ovary is large and causes me pain, but we aren't sure if its THE pain. My RE agreed with my primary physician and wanted me to see a Urologist. The owner of the company I work for, his son is a Urologist, so that is who I was referred to and that is who I saw today.
The appt. itself went well, but I left confused. He does not think I have any kidney issues, he thinks I may have an over active bladder or I may be making too much urine. I need to go for some blood work and also a urine profile to rule out kidney stones, see that is confusing, he never mentioned kidney stones. I have to keep a record of everything I drink and when and how much I pee for 24 hours. The nurse said it could take 5-6 weeks to get the complete results of all the tests. So what the heck does that mean?
I am so ready to have this Lap. surg. and find out what is causing my pain and get it taken care of.

It is worse

Today after a sleepless night we went to see the RE, not my normal RE (he's a little odd but still pretty smart), but the Dr. on call for him while he is on vacation. She was extremely concerned and compassionate on the phone yesterday. So they got us right in and I was told to strip from the waist down and empty my bladder. Dr. came in shortly after and looked over the Radiologist report from yesterday and asks me tons of questions about my pain, symptoms, cycle, etc. After all that we get down to the nitty gritty and start the trans-vaginal ultra-sound. She must drive a Jetta and not a Ferrari like my regular RE. Anyway, she took her time and located the ovarian cyst which is quite large, it's on my right ovary and it wasn't there on Feb 20th or Feb 28th and neither was a follicle. The Dr. seems to think that it might be bleeding and that could be the source of my flank and shoulder blade pain. As she looks at my uterus she discovers two sacs, one a little larger than the other. At first she was not inclined to think that either was a pregnancy. But the longer she looked and the more angles she looked from she seriously started to believe this was two early pregnancies. She saw the white ring around the sacs, saw potential fetal poles in each. After getting the dates of my last two periods and their duration she looked at the little conception/due date wheel and said there was a strong possibility I was pregnant. Talk about shock. I wanted so bad to feel happy and excited, hubby was nervous and asking tons of questions as my brain was frozen.
After everything we had been through over the past 2 years and we might be pregnant for real. My HCG was not back from the day before so she decided to send me downstairs to the lab to have another one done. It would be useful as a reference if the first one came back positive. We headed downstairs and got the blood draw and then back upstairs to wait. They decided to send us on our way and promised to call as soon as they got either result. Inside I was terrified, terrified something was wrong and terrified I wouldn't be pregnant after all. I put on my best face and agreed to go to work for as long as I could tolerate the pain.
Half way to the office and my cell rings....it was the RE, the HCG from yesterday came back negative. She was sorry but I was not pregnant. Kicked in the gut once again. I asked questions that I can't recall now. She doubted my results from today's test would be different but would call me if they were. She said the mystery deepened and would talk to my RE and see where he wanted to go from here.
Several hours later I get a call from the RE again, she had spoken to my regular RE and explained everything to him. He wants to see me in the morning for his own look see. So in we go again at 9:45 am. Who knows. What I do know is that I feel worse than I felt before, I am still in pain and now the emotional pain is worse. I felt like we were handed a gift and then it was yanked out of our hands before we could open it. I so wanted to believe that all of our prayers had been answered. I am grateful for the care I have received the past two days but I wanted a different answer. I am hoping to get more info tomorrow and maybe my Lap. surg. will get bumped up. The RE we saw today feels I probably have scar tissue and endo that is causing my abdominal pain.
Also my primary physician called today to inform me of my blood work. Except for not being pregnant all my other blood tests were great. So I guess I can be grateful for that.

Can it get worse?

Yes it can. I have been in constant pain, lower right abdominal pain, right flank pain and now right shoulder blade pain. What does all this mean? Who knows....I saw my OB/GYN last Thurs and was prescribed another antibiotic for the potential kidney infection. Levaquin this time, supposed to be pretty good stuff, UA came back clear but with trace blood so a culture was sent off. Fast forward to today, woke up in tears after little to no sleep due to constant need to pee and pain. Called my primary Dr. and got an appt. for this morning. Dear annoyed, fed up hubby went with me. Another UA was done, trace blood again but other wise unremarkable, we got the culture results back from last Thurs. and it was clear, no infection. Why am I still in horrible pain? After an exam, Dr. decided to send me across the street to the hospital for an in depth ultra-sound of the abdomen and pelvis. I had an external Ab and pelvic ultra-sound and a vaginal ultrasound...talk about fun. We then were instructed to go back to the Dr.'s office to wait for results. About 45 minutes later the Dr. comes in and tells me I am interesting. Thanks, glad I can entertain you. He proceeds to tell us that my Ab ultra-sound was completely normal, pelvic ultrasound was the interesting one. I have a cyst on my right ovary, I have the measurements, not sure if its big or not, he didn't seem worried about that, the crazy part...."There is a small cystic area in the uterus. No fetal pole or yolk sac is identified but I cannot exclude a very early pregnancy." That was the Radiologists report word for word. So now we are in shock.

Is this a repeat of 2 yrs ago? I have all the same symptoms, ab pain, shoulder blade pain, need to pee all the time, but only dribbling, exhausted, feeling like utter crap. All these were signs of a failed pregnancy and a cornual pregnancy that was not diagnosed till months later after much suffering. Can life really be that cruel? I mean I want to be pregnant, I just don't want to deal with loss and pain again. I have had a period but I could have bled and still been pregnant, it was a short cycle. I have been on the b/c pills and all these crazy antibiotics what has all that stuff done? The scariest part is the shoulder-blade pain and the lower right ab pain, I am so afraid of another cornual/ectopic pregnancy. I just cannot deal with this happening all over again. The only plus if this is a failed pregnancy is the fact that we can get pregnant and that means my eggs are not too old.

I have an appt. with the RE tomorrow morning. My regular RE is out of town so I will be seeing his fill-in, but I have seen her once before and she was great on the phone today, so I feel confident in seeing her tomorrow. She will do an ultra-sound and my HCG will be back also, so hopefully we will get some answers.

I hate Birthcontrol pills

Yes, I really do. I hate that I am on them in preparation for my Lap. surgery. I hate the way they make me feel. I took b/c pills for years when I was a teen and in my early 20's and had no problems with them. Now...they make my life hell. I do not do well on them, I am tired, crabby, nauseous and everything else. Taking them messes with my head, it means one less one that I can try to get pregnant, with or without assistance. That pisses me off and makes me weepy, after all I am told my eggs are old and I only have so much time left. Unless my RE seriously expects me to give up on my own eggs so easily in my book. To me only 4 super ovulation cycles with intercourse and 1IVF does not seem excessive and does not seem like the end of the road for me as I did have 7 mature eggs and they all fertilized in my IVF cycle. Maybe they didn't implant for reasons that will be discovered during my Lap. procedure and have nothing to do with my eggs and age. I am feeling desperate and more unwilling to give up on my genetic connection yet. I need a fair shot, whether that means trying without assistance or trying IVF one last time with my eggs.
In the meantime my pain is still there and constant and I am so over it.

Still hurting

I am still hurting...kidney infection seems to be better but oddly enough my kidney pain seems to come back around mid-day. My abdominal pain is still the same, annoying and painful. I am seriously thinking of hitting my Dr. up for some more pain meds, because I am going to run out long before my scheduled Lap. surg.
I was soooo hoping for Buzz to stick. As of last night I just don't think that happened. I had some very slight pink spotting right before bed. Nothing this morning and then a few instances of slight brown spotting, very small amounts and then nothing. I am not really having any cramps, other than the usual pain that I have been living with. I did break down and POAS last night, I knew it would be negative but a girl can dream. I had my silent cry in the tub...hubby was sleeping and didn't want to wake him, he was already sad earlier when I told him I was spotting. So I allowed myself to cry and feel sorry for myself until I got out of the tub.
I was telling a friend yesterday how much I resent other pregnant women. I know that their pregnancy does not deny me mine but I just feel resentful and somewhat bitter. I am really trying to overcome that, after all I have no clue about their circumstances. Any way I was telling her that when I see pregnant ladies I just want to punch them........I say this in jest and she got it. She said I should probably steer clear of pregnant ladies...funny thing.......they are everywhere. Seriously, I thought about this last night. I have never been so bombarded with fertility, pregnancy and babies. I know I am not imagining this, its crazy and it drives me crazy. Every magazine, every website, pregnancy!!! It is a constant reminder to me so even when I try to focus on other things and not be so self concerned with my fertility I cannot get away from it. It feels often like the universe is trying to tell me something, or maybe it's God. I rely on my faith to get me through. Which brings me to..
Faith...I was talking to my Mother the other day and was telling her of my thoughts on my struggle. I believe that God answers prayers, I believe God wants whats best for me and my family. I believe that children are a blessing from God. Which makes me wonder why do people that don't believe and have Faith get to be pregnant? How come they are blessed with a baby without believing while I who believes remains empty. Don't get me wrong, I have already been blessed with two amazing children, but my husband and I want a child we made together. It may seem selfish but how is it anymore selfish than any other couple that wants a child together? I realized as I was talking to my Mom that all my success' and failures in every aspect of my life are a result of my Faith. The way I live my Faith. We have not be regular in our church attendance and I hate that for all of us, but especially my children. I asked myself...why would God bless us with a child when I am not even making sure the two I already have are getting the exposure to church and God like they should. My children know and believe but as children they are young in their Faith and it is important for us all to grow in our Faith. So is that the key? Do I need to grow in my Faith to be worthy of a baby? I have been trying to turn my anxiety about infertility over to God. I am trying not to feel overwhelmed, recognizing that God is really the one in control, not me, not hubby, and not even the RE. I need to accept that statistics are not God's way. Did you know that every women documented to be faced with infertility in the Bible was healed of her infertility and blessed with a pregnancy and a child? How amazing is that? I so want to be a success story. I do not want to end my fertile years on a failure.
More thoughts to come on this later and more thoughts on my thoughts on continued IVF with my eggs versus donor eggs.

Am I better?

Am I better? I am not sure how to answer that question when asked of me. I guess I feel a little better, my kidney pain seems to be less as each day passes, my abdominal pain stays the same. I spend most of my time attached to my heating pad, we are best friends. I really need to come up with a name for him/her....LOL. All of this pain and being practically bed-ridden with pain has really messed with my head. I feel absent from my life. I have plans to go to work tomorrow, I am so far behind and need to catch up. The kids and hubby have been very sympathetic and understanding, and its not fair to them. Hopefully my RE can bump up my Lap. surgery so we can get this pain under control.
The benefit of this downtime for me has been time for me to think. I really want to try and conceive naturally, I truly have faith in my body, that my body is still capable. My intentions are to eat and drink healthier with conception being a goal, not the only goal. Prayer has always been a part of my life, sometimes a bigger part and sometimes a lesser part. Research shows that prayer plays a large part in success of IVF and conventional conception. My faith has me believing that if you pray in earnest that God answers all prayers. I can only hope and pray that God will answer my prayers to bless us with a child of our own.