Monday, July 28, 2008

Nothing much

Nothing much seems to be going on with me, which I am taking to be a good thing. I have intermittent pain, but it seems to be less and last for shorter periods of time. Now we all know that since I just typed that sentence the pain is going to come back with a vengeance and kick my ass, cause that's how life is. I know I can't be the only one that is annoyed with the recent spate of celebrity conceptions. We have Rebecca Romijn and Jennifer Garner to just name two. Jen is probably a great Mom, I actually smile when I see pics of her and her daughter, she seems very involved. Rebecca, I think it annoys me because of Jerry's comments regarding their attempts at conception. He was so cavalier, who knows, maybe it was his attempt to mask the pain of infertility. Internet rumors point to assisted reproduction for them, if that's the case I am sorry they had to resort to AR, but you know, it sucks that people like that can try and try with no thought to expense. Flip side, as a former fertile now facing age related infertility some might say I should shut up and be grateful for the 2 children I have and to accept what I have and not be greedy. Sometimes I think many of us infertiles see a pregnant woman or a woman with a child and we automatically feel jealousy and dislike. I know until the other day after much thought, I never considered how that woman became a Mom. Maybe it took many years, tears, and lots of money. Maybe she had to use donor eggs or sperm, maybe she lost friends, family, or her marriage in the process to become a Mom. It might seem easy for me to say these things, but it's not, my heart still aches for a child with my husband. I still cry every time I start my period. I count the days till my hoped for ovulation, praying that this months egg is not to old and that it's released on the side that still has a tube.
Long commercial break there, I'm back.
I had a crappy day at work today. It started off great, mainly because I had an amazing weekend with my family. I swear I walk into that place and it immediately sucks the life out of you. It's not the job, it's the people. They are complacent, apathetic, lackadaisical...and on and on. Five years later and it is no better. I love my job, I get to work with my husband, we are a great team. That is main problem. We were not involved when I began working there, he hired me and a little more than 3 years later I married the boss (hubby). We have employees that cannot handle that. These people are intimidated and fearful that I have the inside track on the inner workings of the company. Yep, I do, it's a perk to being the bosses wife. Fortunately the owners of the company trust hubby's discretionary judgement as far as company info goes. Too bad for others. I refuse to betray the trust of my husband and the owners just to make other people comfortable. I know this is rambly, but it was so bad I had to leave the office for about 2 hours today to re-group and calm down. I am unfortunately subjected to the attempted sabotage of co-workers on a daily basis. Being Caesar's wife sucks sometimes.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Walmart at 11pm on Sat night

Last night I had to go to Walmart on 17 at 11:00pm, ok I really didn't have to go, but, see we were there earlier with R and my niece E. R wanted that movie "Penelope"...well since M and nephew G were hanging with my Mom for the night I decided to buy it. R and E than decided they wanted the Matt & Jeff Hardy wrestling DVD. I just think wrestling is stupid so I just didn't want to buy it. It took forever finagling but we ended up walking out with nothing. On the way home I felt bad, like who am I to tell my child something is stupid if she likes it. It isn't harmful in my opinion and well, I can't make my kids like what I like or vice-verse. So after they went upstairs and I cried to hubby cause I felt horrible (maybe a tad hormonal) I headed back to Walmart by myself at 11:00pm I get there, find the DVD, and head to the checkout. You know they only keep a few lanes open and all the winners go to Wally World late at night on the weekend. Guess what walks up behind me in line....A bride and groom in their full wedding attire, she with her hair supposed to be up but half falling down, and the hem of her dress filthy, but with him carrying it for her, he with half his shirt untucked and his pants dragging...they were beautiful!!!! The reason for their visit to Wally World...I know you are dying to know...they were purchasing 2 frozen Totino's brand pizza's and some beer. Surprised? NOT!!! You know when she planned her wedding, she thought, "Man, after the ceremony and reception I really want to go to Walmart at 11:00pm and get some frozen pizza and beer, that would be the perfect end to a most romantical day" or something like that....LMAO

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Follow up

Well, my pain continued to increase everyday all day & night. I decided enough was enough and called the RE on last Fri. We determined it wasn't an emergency so I was prescribed some good pain meds and scheduled an appt. for this past Monday. In the meantime we had a fabulous weekend.

Friday night started out with dinner at a great Moroccan restaurant. They have live belly opposed to dead ones. Saturday was the morning and afternoon spent at the water park with daughter, and some friends. Saturday night was when the real fun sister and I took our two crazy girls to see WWE. Yep, we went to wrestling, the girls are totally into it, don't ask why, we have no clue. We had so much fun, it was not something I would have ever considered doing. It wasn't crazy like I thought it would be, by that I mean the fans. We were in the 10th row from the ring and were surrounded by super nice people. Sunday was a lazy day and then on to the beach to drop son off for a sleepover at a friend's beach-house.

My appt. on Monday went fine. First off my period started on Sat. afternoon, that explained the build up of pain. The RE checked on my incisions, assuring me that my spitting stitches would resolved themselves, but in the meantime looked good. He palpated my abdomen and performed a vag. ultra-sound. Everything looked and felt normal. He thinks my pain is still most likely pain from healing, having my period so soon after surgery probably irritated my uterus. His other opinion is subjective. He thinks it could possibly be my adenomyosis, he cannot be sure he got it all when he removed the SIN because of the way it infiltrates the uterus, he tried but he cannot be 100% sure. He said it will honestly take another 2 months to get the final results on my pain. He gave me several options to deal with the pain - #1 - Stop my periods all together for the next few months to give my body a chance to heal. The only ways to do that would be oral contraceptives, Depo - Provera shots, Depo - Lupron shots, or the patch. None of these sound appetizing for a variety of reasons, but the main reason is why would I want to stop myself from getting pregnant when I really want to get pregnant. He still wants me to call him when I have my 3rd period so we can start super - ovulation if I still want to. #2 - option is to suck it up and take it on the chin and take OTC pain meds and some prescrips. to help as needed. #3 - option and my absolute least fave - hysterectomy. I have decided to go with #2. I need to keep my body free of any extra hormones at this time so that I can get it as healthy and ready for conception as possible in the next 2 months. This is an abbreviated version of the whole visit, but it gets the point across. I am ready for this period to be done so the pain will lessen and move on to counting down the days till the next period. Pretty sad huh...counting the days till I bleed again so I can do it all again one month later, to then count the days when I can try to get pregnant and not have to count the days till I bleed.

Random pic:

Ghosty girls swinging in my backyard

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Spitting stitches

That's me, professional stitch spitter. Sounds nasty, it is. All 4 of my incisions are "spitting stitches" in English, my body is rejecting the stitches that were place internally and so they are working their way to the surface of the incisions and coming out of my skin. It is not painful, a little irritating, but mostly disturbing and annoying. This is a 1st for me, although I don't know why I am surprised. Weird things happen to me. Weirder .... I think that the pain I am still experiencing at my right side where my tube was removed, I am wondering if the stitches used to close up the outside of my uterus are not dissolving either. Could that be why I am in pain? It might sound crazy but I know my body, I was right when it came to the SIN, I knew something was there even if all the previous tests told otherwise. I've been putting off calling the Dr., I guess I can't wait any longer, even my Mom is concerned. I have no signs of infection, everything points to healing...except for the "spitting stitches" and the continued pain where my right tube was.

I have been acutely feeling my infertility since this past weekend. Probably because my young nieces and nephews were among our July 4th revelers. I so enjoy them and as much as I love the stages that my 2 children are at, I miss little ones. My emotions have been on a slow up/down, nothing radical, I go from believing that we will conceive one minute to feeling like it will never happen. Living with no guarantee is difficult, but it just seems like infertility is kicking my emotional butt right now. I am a fight to the death kind of person. I don't give up. I just don't think I know how to let go of the baby I want to conceive. I feel like the pain of letting go is more akin to giving up and I just can't, my heart wont let me. In the meantime I can't deal with crushing defeat anymore either. I am almost afraid that I will push myself past the point of sanity and keep trying because I don't know how to stop and let go. I have read so many blogs lately that have inspired me to hope and believe it can happen for us too. Flip side - I get anxious that it wont happen for us. I love surprises, a surprise baby would be nice.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

It's mentioned

The pain is gone again... just like that. I mean I have residual pain from my surgery, healing pain but the ovarian cyst pain is gone...poof!!! Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, last night was a doozy, I took percocet and hydro-codone with a side of fenergen for nausea and I got relief until early this morning. It was a weird popping sensation, I could really feel it, it hurt and then I was fine a few hours later. Did it burst, release, fizzle out like a balloon when it deflates? I have no clue and at this point I really don't care. I made it into work, and was able to accomplish everything that needed to get done for the day.

Completely off the subject....I have mentioned before that my children dance. Last week was a summer intensive ballet camp. 9am till 3:30pm Monday thru Friday. The studio my kids go to was lucky to have a guest Choreographer, the Director of the Columbia Classical Ballet out of Columbia, SC. It was awesome and the kids had a great time and learned so much. I say all this to tell you it was my daughter's first week wearing pointe shoes. Most of the kids were high school age, but there were a few younger ones like herself, including two boys. The instructor worked on basic partnering technique with the younger ones while the older kids did more advanced stuff. Insert a funny here....One of the little boys, a year younger than my daughter told him Mom he liked partnering with R (my daughter) the best. She told him that was nice but asked him why. His response..."Because R is firm"...his Mom tried not to laugh and asked what he meant. He said the other girl was squishy in the middle and it made his finger's sink in, where as R is firm in the middle and his finger's don't sink. He was dead serious so his Mom stifled her laughter till later. We had a good giggle over this one. When I told my son about his he said it actually made sense, girls that have strong "centers" have firm middles and they are easier to partner. You learn something new every day....but then again it shows that the male species prefers the female species with a firm middle from a very early age...LOL

Back to infertility....can it be any crueler that I am or did ovulate and was very aware of it but must avoid using that ovulation to get pregnant at all costs. I seriously thought about ignoring the RE and trying to convince hubby to give it try, but I decided an exploding uterus was not a chance I wanted to take. Quite a few of the blogs I lurk have had recent success and I am soo happy as their paths have been much longer and harder than mine. I am trying to use this as inspiration of good things to come instead of envy. I don't want to be bitter, except when it comes to teenage girls having babies and parent's that take their baby to the Walmart in nothing but a diaper and let them walk around barefoot...when I see these things I reserve the right to feel envy and bitterness and the desire to knock them out.

Today's random photo:

Niece on left, daughter on right.....super bowling queens

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

It's Back

Yep, the pain is back and it's front too. I am soooo over it. I was a little nervous today, allowing my mind to wander, fearful that my pain might be a sign of a uterine infection post - op. But, I am not running any type of fever, and I have no discharge ( sorry tmi), discussed the symptoms with my Mom (she's a nurse). We both think its another ovarian cyst rearing its ugly head, on the same side as usual, my right side. The side I had my tube removed from. I know its those damn b/c pills fault. In 6 months I have had 3 episodes and only after taking the b/c pills for IVF or surgery. Coincidence?...I think not.

In the meantime I think I will go crawl in a corner and cry....oh, wait I've already done that.

My journey with family & age related secondary infertility