Saturday, December 27, 2008

No sleep

Sleep comes to be in a round about way. I have a difficult time falling asleep, but once I am there I don't want to get up. It is the time of year. I am not a winter person. I need the longer, warmer days. We leave on Sunday for our family vacation. It is also part of the kid's Christmas present. We are going to Disney for 5 days and they each are bringing a cousin. I hate packing but I am super excited about this trip. Since the kids have been with their Dad (it was his Christmas this year) things have been quiet and mellow here at home. The presents are wrapped and under the tree, waiting for them to come home. I head out to meet my sister early in the morning, they live several hours from us and we need our nephew to be here the day before the trip.

We did go to my brother's house on Christmas to see what my 2 little nephews got from Santa. It was nice to be with little ones who totally get into the excitement of Christmas. My sister - in - law has been offering to pray over my womb for a while. We finally had an opportunity while there. I was afraid it would be awkward, but it wasn't. It was just her, hubby and myself, with hands laid on my abdomen she said the most amazing prayer asking God to open my womb and bless us with the baby we want so badly. Maybe I am crazy but during her prayer I felt a buzzing inside me directly beneath our hands. Hubby said it was his vibrating hands...haha...not...I felt it from the inside not externally. Who knows what it meant, if anything at all, but I felt peaceful and loved and that feeling is still there. She didn't realize until afterwards that this is my fertile time and hubby and I have been trying without stress this month. God works in mysterious ways.

On a completely different note, I have been following this woman's blog for a bit of time now. Her story really touched me. Her name is Emilie and has battled infertility, when she was pregnant with her 2nd baby boy in August 2007 she was diagnosed with soft tissue sarcoma. After surgery to remove all the tumor she went onto a normal healthy pregnancy and delivered a 2nd healthy son. Shortly after she learned her cancer was back and had taken over. In spite of her determination and strong fight to live she passed away in the evening of Dec 23rd. I am so sad for her, and her family. I wanted her to beat this, even though we had never met, I felt connected, as a Mother. I pray that she is at peace and that her family will hold onto the good memories and feel her love for them each day as they grieve her loss. Her blog is lemmondrops .

Hubby and nephew ~ typical men, eating and watching tv..haha

Friday, December 19, 2008

I might be a starfish

I am probably the most boring blogger in the universe, but I swear the weirdest things happen to my body. I have been having my lower right abdominal pain for several weeks now. I had the most hellish period in the world, 7 days late. Impossible to be pregnant, according to the RE my period was late due to crazy hormones wreaking havoc on my body. The thing is, this pain is the exact pain I experienced which led to Lap. surgery for diagnosis. I had Salpingitis Isthmica Nudosa (can't even remember the spelling). My right tube was removed in June 2008. I am thinking I might be a starfish and maybe my tube is growing back....LOL. Okay, I know realistically that is not possible, but it sounds good. How can I have pain in the exact same spot where my tube was but is not now. I have the exact same pain symptoms. I wish I could see what was going on inside there, but that wont happen unless I am willing to have a hysterectomy, and that is not an option right now.

We are waiting till January to start our next medicated cycle, in the meantime we will be trying on our own this month. The mental and physical strain of all these failed treatments is wearing on me. I was so optimistic about success when we began this journey with our RE 2 years ago. With each failed cycle it is harder to bounce back and think positively. I just expect failure, I guess as a way to protect myself and it's not working for me anymore. My heart breaks each month, yet I can't help but feel in the deepest part of me that I am going to get pregnant and we will have a baby. How can I shake that feeling if it is false?

The kids will be spending the 1st half of their Christmas break with their Dad, it's his actual Christmas this year. It's ok, I have them the 2nd half and we have a fun vacation trip planned, but I will miss them terribly, it makes the empty uterus that much more painful.
M practicing a lift for Holiday Show

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The pain

I have no idea why, but my right side pain is back even worse than ever. The tube is gone, that is what was causing the pain before. What could be causing the pain now? When I lay flat on my back, my right lower abdomen is slightly distended. The pain seems to have crept back into my life after this most recent failed cycle. Was it the hormones, if so why is it back now, the hormones should be out of my system by now. Also my cycle is late, or at least late for me, and pregnancy is all but an impossibility this have to have sex or the like for that to happen...nope none this month. This was our "giving ourselves a break" month, no stress, no forced intimacy. We were just plain tired and had lots going on. I did get lucky and my Gen. Practitioner called in a re-fill on some pain meds for me, they don't completely wipe the pain out but it does take the edge off.

December is looking like it will be busier than November. We've decided to wait until January to start another round of fert. meds. The holidays are just too hectic and stressful to add more stress. Plus we are going on vacation at the end of the the happiest place on earth. It should be a blast.

My journey with family & age related secondary infertility