The pain continues

My pain has only continued and has even increased. I spent the majority of the day in the ER yesterday, on Tues. I went to the Dr. because my pain has shifted to my right flank. It took several days and much persistence on my part but I have a kidney infection. My repeated UA's came back negative but I asked for a culture and we finally got the results today. I was right. I am now on my 2nd antibiotic, Septra and I don't do well together so now I am on Cipro, and neither Dr. is sure it works well against the bacteria I have, Amoxil would work great on the bacteria, unfortunately I am severely allergic so we decided not to add any extra excitement to our weekend and stick with the Cipro. I may go see the RE in the morning as he is keeping tabs on me, hubby asked him if we could bump up my Laproscopy, I cannot wait till April if the pain continues at this level.
On a side note, all the hard work (sex) that hubby and I had last week trying to get preggo on our own may have been in vain. With the abdominal CT scan yesterday, the antibiotics and the hydro-codone for pain, well our potential embryo that we might have created, well it probably doesn't stand a chance. Although I have been praying that if we succeeded that God would please watch out for our buzz. Yep, that's its name, buzz. Why? Because an embryo is the result of egg and sperm successfully meeting, embie is a nickname many people in the infertile community use, embie made me think of the letter B and the letter B made me think of bumble bee's and bumble bee's made me think of buzzing, so therefore I have nicknamed all potential offspring buzz.

Biding time

For now we are just biding our time. My appt. for Lap. surg is scheduled for April 10th and there is not alot I can do until then. We received my letter from the RE today, it outlines my pre pre-op instructions. I have a pre-op appt and lab work to get done but that isn't till the beginning of April. The past few days hubby and I have been having some wonferfully open in depth conversations about this process and where we are and what we want out of it. Ultimately we both want the same thing. We both want a baby that is genetically linked to both of us. Where we are different: Hubby's desire for a baby no matter what is greater than his desire to have a baby linked to both of us genetically (maybe because his genes aren't at stake), My desire for a baby genetically linked to both of us is greater than my desire to have a baby no matter what (probably because my genes are at stake) I explained to him that my emotions are like a flag waving in the wind, I go from one extreme to the other. After my Lap. surg and after my blood work and the time comes to make a decision I know that it wont take me years to decide, by that point I will know where I am at and I will be able to make the decision and be ok with it even if it makes me a little sad. If we choose to use donor eggs I am not sure I will reveal that even here in this blog. I think that I will have to respect the mutual decision hubby and I make to keep that info between ourselves and our RE and no one else. I couldn't risk someone finding out before our child finds out.
My pain is still there or rather it comes and goes consistently throughout the day as usual.

I have an appointment

I called the Re's office today and had to leave a message for my nurse. She called me back several hours later and explained the scheduling for the Lap. surg. As it is not an emergency and my pain is annoying but manageable I was able to get an appt. for April 10th. I know .... it seems like forever away but its really not. I have to call her when I start my next period so she can get me a prescription for birth control pills. Crazily enough it is important so that my cycle can be timed for the surgery as my uterus and other girl parts need to be at a certain cycle point and without the pill it would be hard to pin - point. I hate it but if it means the RE is better able to search and diagnose my pain and the cause then I will suck it up. In the meantime maybe hubby and I can make a baby on our own. We are definitely going to give it the old college try.

We went and dropped off all of our tax info to our accountant today so we had some time to talk in the car. We talked about where we each are on the fly. Basically where we both are on a gut level without the benefit and research. Hubby would rather pursue donor egg IVF, because our chance of success are so much greater. Me I want to be able to do at least one more IVF cycle with my eggs and if that does not work I think I could walk away from it knowing we had given it our all. At that point I would want to try donor egg IVF. So I am greedy, I want the option of both, crazy expensive. Fortunately we don't have to make that decision until after my Lap. surg. It was a tremendous relief for me to be able to express my feelings about where we are and what it does to me. I will be going into more detail on that later, the donor might be completely normal for the first 30 yrs of their life and then BAM! they could go psycho. Huh? He said what if the donor became psycho, what if we didn't know and our child could get psycho DNA. Has he forgotten that I have battled depression since I was 14 yrs old and that on occasion I have been accused of being psycho.

My pain is still here and it still seems worse when I sit for any period of time, when I stretch my body out straight the pain lessens. Who knows. I had a couple of revelations about myself today regarding my sense of self.

Selfish me

Today I was hoping for some answers and I got a few but mostly I am left more confused and with more questions. Hubby and I met in the parking lot at the Re's office, I said to him as we walked toward the building that I felt like I was "a dead man walking". He laughed it off, he didn't get that the walk was filled with fear and dread for me. We ended up having to wait for quite a while to be seen, our nurse was out with her own sick child so appts. were running behind. It was ok though our RE took his time with us today. We were called back and went into his office and he explained where he thought we were at this point. He said some positives about my reproductive health, but mainly I heard the negatives. I am 40 almost 41, my ovarian reserve is diminishing, I responded better to super ovulation than to IVF protocol, he was disappointed that we produced so few eggs (7) even though he had me maxed out on the drugs. He thinks my eggs did not implant as they don't have enough energy and fuel to continue dividing at the rate needed to become blastocysts and implant. He feels my eggs run out of gas and that there is really nothing he can do about my eggs aging. He does not want to put us through unnecessary emotional, and financial hardship in pursuing another round of IVF unless we can look him in the eye and say for certain we understand that our chances of conception with my eggs is only 15 to 20 % and that we are ok with that. He brought up donor eggs and asked if it was something we had thought about or would we even consider it. I told him I had looked at it online this past week out of desperate curiosity and hubby and I stated we would be willing to learn more. He said our chances of conceiving with donor eggs jumps to 66%. Major difference in stats. and worth considering.

After he was done with his opinion we were able to ask questions and I gave him my opinion and also told him all the weird particulars regarding my spotting for days before my period started and how my cycle on lasted 3 days and it was lighter than usual. I explained my pain to him and he was stumped and asked why I didn't call him so he could take a look. He sent us to an exam room to do an ultra-sound right then. I pointed externally to the area I felt the pain internally. It as quite uncomfortable that va-jay-jay wand. Everything feels puffy in there and I told him, he looked all over my right side and ovary and said nothing was there, no follicle, no cyst, nothing, but that my left ovary had a good size follicle and that I would ovulate in the next 72 hours. The ultra-sound ruled out anything obvious but gave us no real answers. RE agreed that a laparoscopy was probably needed to get a definitive answer to my pain and a possible explanation as to my infertility. He doesn't expect to find anything except a small amount of endometriosis that would be considered normal for my age. Hubby and I informed him that we could not and would not make any decisions regarding fertility treatment until after the Lap. surgery. We needed to rule out any problems before we invest anymore time, money, or emotions. I told him point blank that I did not have it in me to do this again without a concrete answer about this pain. I have to call my nurse tomorrow to get on the surgical schedule, hopefully it wont be to long of a wait, but it can't be until after my next period. We were sent downstairs to the lab for blood work, an HCG (preg. test) and progesterone levels. He wants to rule out an ectopic pregnancy, so I will get those results tomorrow.
We did get a booklet about donor eggs and I read it tonight. It was informative, but I just can't say if I am ready to give up on my eggs and move onto someone else's. I love many children that aren't genetically mine. I know I love my children and I am sure I could and would love a child that was only linked to hubby by DNA. It would grow inside of me, and come out of my body, and I would be able to breastfeed and all that would make me feel connected to this child. That is not the issue, the issue is I want a child that is a part of both of us, I want my eggs to work. It sounds selfish. If I could try one more IVF with my eggs, well if that didn't work it would make it easier to say I gave it my all, it didn't work so lets move onto donor eggs. But both of these process's are very costly and I am afraid to have a baby I have to give up my genetic tie.

Needless to say all of this sucks, my head is spinning and I am more confused than ever. I know we are not going to make a decision right now, but my brain is a noisy brain and I have to run every scenario. I wanted more than what I got today, but I can't blame RE, he really has been straight forward and he wants what we want. He wants me to get pregnant and have a baby, he is disappointed he really thought we could make this happen....me too.

For now, until the Lap. surgery is scheduled we are going to continue to try to conceive by ourselves, there is an egg that will be hatching from my ovary in the next 72 hours, actually, minus the hour this blog took, and then the 9 hours since the appt. and we are looking at 62 hours. Better wake hubby up so he can do his part.

Tomorrow, hopefully some answers

I am so twisted inside as far as this appt. with the RE goes. I am really looking forward, actually eager to meet with him and discuss all my thoughts and opinions and to hear him out. On the flip side I am terrified to go, I am so afraid he is going to tell me something that will crush me. I have been holding onto a positive attitude for the past few days. My pain is back with a vengeance, and it is more annoying than ever. I know in my heart that something is not right and I am determined to find out what it is and what can be done. Hubby are going in to this visit united in our desire for answers and our desire to conceive a child.

What I get out of this

What do I get out of this blog? Up till this point I have no clue if I am the only person that sees my words, sometimes I go back and re-read. So don't get feedback, at least not yet, and although it would be nice it is not essential. I write this blog for me, to give me a place to empty my brain, to keep my thoughts organized, to remind myself of the triumphs and disappointments I face in life. A record for myself and hopefully one day a record for my child that I hope to conceive with my hubby, and for my two children so that one day they might understand that it is because of them and how much I love them that I so badly want to be a Mother again.

After tonight I have another example of why I have the most amazing husband in the world. Today at work my SIL stops by with my two nephews to give me a card from her camera so I can work on something for her and my brother. My nephews are amazing, E-1 is 2 1/2 yrs old and E - 2 is 6 months old. In total I have 6 nephews and 3 nieces. Anyway, I asked if I could take E-1 with me to pick up my two children from friends houses. SIL gladly let me take him as she had to grocery shop and it was a break for her. E-1 was thrilled to ride with his Aunt (DVD player in van) and was excited to see his two cousins. So after all is said and done and we eat dinner with hubby, my Mom and Dad the kids and I take E-1 home to his house. I had the opportunity to take a peek in E-2's room and noticed he did not have a mattress pad on his crib mattress and mentioned to SIL that it could play a role in why E-2 does not sleep well and wakes often. So we decide to change sheets and put on mattress pad too. At this point I see that the rail that slides up and down is broken, it moves freely up and down with no safety latch and also it is broken and not on track so the whole rail swings free on the left side. I freaked in a calm way. SIL said my brother rigs it to keep it stable. You see the crib was handed down from one of my sisters, actually not very old, but it seems my niece was a little rough on it. SIL's crib from E-1 was worn out so they accepted this hand-me-down. I just could not let my nephew sleep in it, SIL said as soon as they got their tax refund they were buying a new crib. I called hubby and asked him to get my crib from the the attic that I used with my children. It was late, he was tired, but he did it and then he and my brother took the old crib apart and put together mine. Let me just say I taken apart and put together this crib numerous times alone. Without instructions and having never put a crib together before, my wonderful hubby had that crib together correctly in no time. I told him that he was meant to be a Dad, I have to believe that God wants him to be a Dad from scratch.

By the way, I thought my pain was gone, it isn't.

Well I'm not pregnant

I know, I know... we already knew this. Why am I telling you this now. Well hubby went to the store and brought back an HPT for me. We are both so concerned with my pain, afraid it could have meant an ectopic pregnancy, hence the pregnancy test. So I held my pee this morning while he ran to the store and then I ran to the bathroom as soon as he presented me with the lovely package. It was negative, as I knew it would be, a disappointment because a miracle would have been nice, relief because no HCG registered so that would mean I am not pregnant, which means no ectopic which is healthier for me. So I have spent the day with a heating pad pressed to my abdomen. Emotionally I am all over the place. Poor hubby, I had to meltdowns today, one earlier due the constant pain I am. He offered to take to the ER but its not that painful and I don't think it's an emergency. It is just constant and annoying. The 2nd meltdown was baby related, my fear that it wont happen, that the RE will tell me it's not worth the money to try again. I asked hubby if he would back me up in my request for Laparoscopic surgery. He says he will back me up, I think mostly because he wants my pain to stop and he hopes we might find a reason for it. Is it crazy of me to want to go under anesthesia and hope that the RE finds something wrong? Not like cancer, but something along the lines of scar tissue, endometriosis something that would explain why we haven't been able to get pregnant with or without medical help in spite of healthy eggs and ovulation and healthy sperm.

Through tears tonight I told hubby how I thought I could handle the outcome whatever it was, but I was fooling myself. I could only handle success because I expected nothing less. Failure never entered my heart. I cried my heart out and explained to him how badly I wanted to make him a Father, how bad my arms ache to hold our child. I told him how I feel like I have failed him. Adoption is not an option, not financially, plus we have both been divorced, and I battled depression in the past for many years. I won that battle, now I just want to win this battle.

What is this?

OK, the pain is still there, it's mostly on and off, but sometimes it lingers for a while. It is concentrated on my right side where my fallopian tube is. It is not so painful as it is annoying and it makes me a little nervous. In addition I had an incident of spotting today. My body makes no sense. Does this have to do with all the meds and coming off of them, or is it something else? My boobs are also tender and larger than normal, kind of like when I am jacked up on all the hormones. Also I have to pee all the time, and in the middle of the night and only a drip drop, very annoying. My lower back aches too, I know it's not a UTI as I have had plenty of those in the past and recognize the signs. I cannot wait to go see the RE on Wed., Feb 20th. I have been keeping hubby aware of all the little and big symptoms that I have been having. Last night I told him I want to buy a pregnancy test just to see, I really don't think I am pregnant, but something is going on outside the norm. He forgot to get one this morning when he went out but he agrees that it is worth the money just to see what result we get. It is so confusing and I hate the way it makes my body feel, which messes with my mind. which in turn messes with my emotions.

On a different note, 4 yrs ago today my Maternal Grandmother passed away. She was really the only grandparent I ever knew. She was an amazing woman and I loved her dearly. We had 10 days with her after her stroke. We were able to tell her we loved her and share special memories and moments with her. One of my last moments with her was also one of the most amazing. She had become less responsive during the last two days of her life, my Mother called me early in the morning of Feb 16th, she said my Grandma's breathing was different and I might want to come to the hospital before I went to work. My son was off from school that day, it was President's Day, he was with a friend. My sister was going to keep my daughter for me. My dear sweet little girl and I stopped at the hospital and I sat in a chair by my Grandma's bed, I reached out and held her hand in mine, her breathing was labored and she seemed unconcious. I started talking to her, telling her it was ok to let go, that my Mom and my Uncle would be ok, that we (grandchildren) would be there for my Mom so my Grandma did not have to worry. I told her that all her brother & sisters were waiting for her in heaven, that her parents were waiting for her, that my Grandfather ( who had been dead 40 yrs) was waiting for her in heaven, and then I told her that Jesus was waiting for her with his arms wide open. At that moment she started squeezing my hand very firmly and purposefully, my Mom said "Look, she has her eye's open". I looked up into my Grandma's eyes and they were clear and focused unlike the past few days. I said to her "Grandma, you hear me, you understand?", she kept looking at me and squeezing my hand, I told her it was ok, she could let go and go to heaven. She continued to look at me for a few more minutes and then closed her eyes but continued to keep a grip on my hand. Several minutes later she relaxed her grip and slept. We all felt she was resting easier at this point. Not wanting to go to work, but my Mom convinced me to go, she said she would call me if anything changed. I kissed my Grandma and left with daughter, took her to my sister's and went to work. Several hours later I received a call from my Mom saying the time was very near and I should come. I hurried to the hospital, crying the whole way. When I got to the room she had passed away. My Mom said it had only been a minute, I hugged her and kissed her and we spent several hours with her before we notified the nurse. Shortly after the Dr. came to declare her death we left the room so they could take the moniters out, it only took about 10 minutes. When we went back in my Grandma's body was there, but she wasn't, it was like her spirit left her when we left the room. She stayed long enough for us to say good - bye. So today I honor my Grandmother Freda. I love you Grandma!

Today is also a special day for hubby and I. Today is our 3rd anniversary of being a couple, falling in love. I love you hubby!

Happy Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day, it's been a good day, but it could have been better. Why do I let that sneak in? I have two amazing children and a wonderful husband and I was able to spend Valentine's Day with all of them. I am grateful, I just feel an emptiness. We have a friend who is pregnant and scheduled for a c-section next Wed., Feb 20th the same day as my RE follow - up appt. I am happy for her and her family, I really am. I told her about my appt. and she said may this is an omen, sign, etc, her having a baby on the same day. Maybe it will be a positive appt. and I might get answers, at least the ones I need and want. I watched my beautiful daughter rub her belly and talk to the baby. She is excited for her friend to be a big sister. I see how much she loves babies and how bad she wants to be a big sister. She would be so amazing, she is so nurturing. I want her to have the opportunity to be a big sister and it makes me sad that I can't control that. I didn't cry last night, it was a first. The pain in my right side is still there and actually it was worse today. Plus I had what felt like period cramps, but the bleeding stopped 2 days ago. It makes no sense. There has got to be a reason that this pain will no go away, I feel its my sign. I have felt only the tad bit hopeful today, which is better than the hopelessness that I have felt for the past week. A small improvement, but I will take it.
My son will be 15 yrs old next month, he is counting down the days till his Birthday as it will mean a Learner's Permit for him. He is so excited. I am counting down the days till me RE appt. Am I a crazy person for trying for a child at 40 with an almost 15 yr old and a 10 yr old. I will be 41 in April, I thought for sure that 2007 was going to be our year, the year we added a baby to our family. I never imagined that it would take this long and be this difficult and heart wrenching. I was so naive and I am trying so hard to keep my bubble from being busted. I need that bubble to keep my hope afloat.

Shake it off

I can't seem to shake this feeling of sadness and failure. I honestly did not realize that IVF failure would be this devastating to me. I guess I assumed because I already have two healthy kids, a loving husband, a beautiful home, and a great family, I assumed that I would be ok whatever the turnout. Hubby kept telling me that the result would not make or break us and I believed him then and still do. But what about me? It's breaking me. I have not felt this "kicked in the gut" since I was in the middle of my divorce almost 9 yrs ago. I feel like I am dying inside, I feel like the death of my fertility has occurred and I am so unprepared to give up. We haven't even met with the RE for our follow - up appt. yet and I feel so dismal. I am so afraid he will tell me it is hopeless and we are wasting our time and money, or worse that he will refuse to help me anymore. Then I flip and spend my time researching my pain and I keep coming back to the fact that my eggs were great quality, that all 7 fertilized, all 7 divided and although we had none to send to cryo we had 3 6-7 cell embryos transferred. Everything was headed straight for success and blam!!! I am now leaning toward the opinion that there is probably scar tissue in the upper right corner of my uterus where my right fallopian tube enters into the uterus. I am feeling pain in the area as I type. I have let this feeling linger for 2 yrs, the feeling that something is wrong, it wasn't there before the pregnancy 2 yrs ago. After the HSG showed no blockages and the RE seemed to be happy with those results I kind of relaxed my guard about the pain. I didn't want to believe it could be relevant and now I think it is. I have mentioned periodically to the RE and he has been non-committal. but I think that is because I have not been forceful enough in mentioning it, its more in passing. Probably because I was so engrossed in the process of the meds and ultra-sounds and monitoring. Now its time to get serious and I cannot wait for the appt. on Feb 20th. I need hope. By the way the bombardment of pregnancy, baby, fertility/infertility is getting worse. I feel like the universe is telling me something

Hanging on

I am still hanging on, sometimes its by a thread. I keep expecting to feel better as each day passes, but instead the hurt seems worse. My period all bu stopped as of yesterday, now its only slight spotting again. What the heck...spotting, a 3 day period, more spotting. My pains on the right side have not left me alone, in fact they seem to be lingering longer than usual. Very annoying.
I had a serious talk with hubby today. I explained my theory about why implantation did not happen and as he is familiar with my pain he agreed that it sounds possible. Possibly that the pain is caused by scar tissue which interferes with implantation. I also told him that his refusal to discuss this loss has led to my feelings of loneliness and isolation. I explained to him that I feel as I am the only one who wants a baby still, that I am the only one that wants to continue on this journey. He said he was just waiting to hear the RE lay it all out for us. I explained that I need to him to verbalize to me if he is still on board. I need to hear him say it. He told me that he did still want a baby with me, he still wants us to try and hopefully succeed with a healthy pregnancy and baby. He just wants the facts before he allows himself to get his hopes up again. He agrees that we should make sure the RE understands about my recurrent pain in the right side and hopefully convince him to explore it to determine if that is the reason nothing has worked yet. I mean we both agree, I respond well to meds, eggs - good, sperm - good, fertilization - good, cell division - good, implantation - not so good. That's where it all went bad, so why is that? I will not be content until I get a real answer that I can live with, and I am not ready to give up yet.
I know I sound like a broken record but until Feb 20th comes along and we get to meet with the RE I just have this outlet for my feelings and thoughts. So either I bore whoever may chance by this blog or I implode from all the swirly mixed up emotions.

I cry

I cry and cry, usually the crying starts because of something unrelated to the failure of the IVF. My emotions are all over the place. It feels like everyone expects me to just pick up and keep going as if everything is great. I get words of compassion and sympathy from friend and family, its nice and appreciated but its a constant reminder of the failure and it feels like a punch in the gut. I spend my time trying to show gratitude and hold the tears back. I am drained at the end of the day, not only from all this heavy bleeding but also because I spend all day with my public face on. Why is it that no one gets it? I am grieving this failed IVF and trying to hold onto hope for my future fertility. I told hubby tonight that I need him to have a positive attitude when we go for our follow-up appt. with the RE on Feb 20th. He says he will, and he wont have any preconceived opinions until after he hears the Dr. out. But, what I want from him...I want him to fight for our fertility. I want him to fight for another chance to conceive a child/children. I don't want to be the only one fighting for us. He says he still wants a child, but he is more accepting of the possibility that it might not work. I on the other hand am not accepting. Failure is NOT an option. I feel deep in my heart that I am supposed to be a Mother again, that I am supposed to get pregnant again. More than ever I am getting bombarded with pregnancy/babies etc. It could be that I am more sensitive, but I doubt it. We have been trying for over 2 years to get pregnant and in all that time I have never been this surrounded by fertility.
It comes down to my faith in my reproductive capabilities. My eggs are good, I have good ovarian reserve, I tolerate the meds well and am a decent responder. Hubby has good sperm, all my eggs and his sperm fertilized in the dish with no help, the embryos divided well, and we were able to transfer 3 embryos. So far so good, but then they didn't stick. Could it be a uterus issue? Is my uterus not a welcome environment? Could it be there is some problem left over from the cornual pregnancy that was not visible by HSG or ultra-sound? I need answers and I need a resolution. I asked hubby tonight if the reason we did not get pregnant was due to our failure to attend church. He doesn't agree, but I wonder if I need to make sure every part of my life needs working on. I am not a smoker anymore, I don't drink, I try to eat right, I am not overweight. I am thinking about acupuncture for fertility and also looking into supplements that might improve my fertility. It may be far fetched, but I am desperate and I need to be pro-active so that I don't get mired down in sadness and hopelessness. I am 40 almost 41 and that sucks big time.

It's over

Today was the day, its over. My period officially started today, in fact it woke me up. Actually the pain woke me up, I tried to ignore it but it was a no go. So now the flood has begun, you would think that a girl could get a break and get a painless period after all the crap I've had to go through. So the grieving process continues and I have decided I like this whole hibernation thing. I tried not to get my hopes up when my period didn't start right away, but i couldn't help it. My heart wanted that blood test to have been to early to get a positive result. I wanted to call the RE Monday morning and tell them they were wrong. It feels like a loss all over again.
Once I saw the picture of those three embryos, our embryos, future babies, I was attached. As my son said, I was pregnant in a petri-dish. When the RE transferred those three embryos into my uterus, in my heart I became pregnant at that moment, and I felt pregnant in my heart until the bleeding. It feels like I have lost my babies. I am in no way comparing it to women that have lost babies later in pregnancy, I have actually had more than one miscarriage. But in my heart they were my babies and now they are gone, never to be. I want so badly to have a do over, a mulligan. I want to try IVF again, although it would be even better to be able to conceive naturally. I am so afraid the RE will decide I am too old, but I know there are many woman out there older than me that are able to conceive with IVF and sometimes on their own. I am sure he has patients older than me with less ovarian reserve. I truly believe he can help us. I just hope hubby believes it, he would probably be ready to move on. Not because he doesn't want a baby, he does, he just doesn't like to see me so sad, plus he came to the decision that he wanted to be a Father later in life and had accepted life without biological children. I on the other hand always wanted more children, my circumstances as a single parent just got in the way of that. Finances will definitely pay a part in whether we move forward with IVF again. It would be cool if we could get a break in that dept. I think back on a past appt. with the RE. It was a few days after I started on the Ganirelix. We went for an appt./ultra-sound, the RE asked how I was and I told him I didn't like the Ganirelix. As he performed the ultra-sound he said the Ganirelix did not like me either. I asked him what that meant and what we were going to do. He said something about it slowing me down too much, but that we had to continue the Ganirelix as we could not stop it. I was under the impression that stopping the Ganirelix and trying another med. was not an option as it might screw up this cycle. I wonder if the Ganirelix inhibited me from producing more follicles and thus more eggs. I will have to ask him about it, it may bode well that he may be willing to treat me with a different protocol, and who knows maybe it will be cheaper.
All I know at this point is that I am still incredibly sad, wishing I could hibernate forever and can't wait till my appt. on Feb 20th.

Hibernation

So I have been in hibernation for the past two days. Not exactly like an ostrich with her head in the sand, more like a bear for the winter, you know surviving the harsh cold winter. I feel like I am in the middle of a winter of my soul.
I went into the office for a little over an hour today, it was awkward at best. Everyone was nice and no one brought up my sad news, believe me I was grateful. I did receive two calls from friends, not intrusive, just wanting to let me know they were thinking of me and were sorry. Hubby and I argued this morning before work. I just need some verbal and tactical support from him. He was great the night I started spotting, but now he has gone into his own hibernation and I need him present. As I wrote yesterday hubby has been sick as have kids, hubby thought he could do work today, but his body told him otherwise and he lasted less than 30 mins. I made the call and took the kids to the Dr. today. They both have bronchitis, so both received antibiotics and an inhaler. No school for either tomorrow so they will now have the weekend to heal. Actually something pretty cool is going on for my son tomorrow. He is 14 to be 15 yrs old next month, he is home-schooled because he is a dancer. He has the opportunity to take a Master Class with the Hermitage Ballet. They are a major company out of Russia. Tomorrow evening we are going to see their first US performance. We really look forward to this family evening.
As for my hormonal situation, well, I have been cramping on and off, and very slight pink spotting a very few times today. Mainly its my lower back, its killing me. My first inclination was to call the RE if I still haven't started by tomorrow, but since I am fairly sedentary I have decided to wait till Monday. If I am still only experiencing the scant spotting and haven't started the full on flood then I will call then. I figure what can it hurt and the longer I go without bleeding the more valid my concern over the lack of bleeding since my beta test was negative. Call me crazy but I am praying for a miracle. I don't want to be in denial and I have actually prayed for the bleeding to start if its really going to. This spot here, spot there is such a bore, it drags the whole process out for me, it makes it hard to move forward or to accept the answer I didn't want. Anyone have a clue as to why this would be happening. Today, Thursday was day 30 from the first day of my last period.

I knew it

I was right, my heart, my instincts, my gut, it was all there. I received the call early this morning. My favorite nurse, she has been through IVF multiple times, one ended in a beautiful baby girl. She continued to expand her family with the adoption of twins. She understands the loss I feel, she has been there. She was straight forward, what is the point of trying to soften the blow as it is what it is. We scheduled a follow - up appt. with the RE for Feb 20th. She said at this point he has a very clear understanding of me and my infertility. I told her I had a few questions and she said that hopefully he would be able to answer if not address them. I really want a laparoscopic procedure of my uterus performed. Every since that cornual pregnancy I have right side pain where my right tube and ovary are located. I want to know if there is scar tissue or some other factor that could have prevented implantation. We probably should have had this done prior to moving onto IVF, but my HSG was fine so we all assumed my uterus was in good shape. Now that we have spent all this money on IVF only to end up with an empty uterus I have to wonder if we missed something. I put my whole heart and soul into this process, my longing for a baby has only increased in the past few days. The irony of the situation, I have not bled anymore and spotting is sporadic and barely there. My cramps have also gone away. What is up with that? The only plus in all this, no PIO shot tonight. The irony, no PIO shot tonight and I think I will miss it.

I stayed home from work today and hibernated in bed. I only answered the phone when the calls were from family. I could just not deal with other people. Both of my children and my hubby are sick. I figure I will face the public tomorrow and go to work until I can get both kids in to see the Dr. Probably just colds but daughter has been running fever on and off for 4 days now. Fortunately I am caught up at work so I can afford to play it loose this week.

I tried to talk to hubby tonight about my feelings about all of this and also about my possible theories as to why this didn't work. He is feeling so sick he just wasn't up for the convo. It hurt my feelings, but I understand that he feels crappy. I just feel alone. I don't want to talk to friends as they just don't understand. My family loves me and is supportive but I think they like most others think I should just accept its not meant to be. I am not ready to do that, I truly feel that I am supposed to be a Mom to one more child. I feel like I am supposed to be pregnant with our child, that hubby is supposed to be a Dad, not just a step-dad. I know its hard for him to see me so sad and let down, but if he thinks that stopping this process will make me stop being sad, he is wrong. I can't and am not ready to let go and move on. I want a baby, our baby.

I guess I will spend my time trying to re-group and re-claim my sanity before we meet with the RE. I want him to believe that he can help us, I need him to believe that he can help us. I need hubby to believe there is hope, the way I believe it.

It sucks....

I started spotting last night, very light pink and very little. I tried not to let it get me down, and went to bed. What else was I going to do at midnight? Woke up cramping like a villain this morning. I was afraid to go to the bathroom for fear of seeing blood. I was surprised when the toilet paper was still snowy white. That all changed in the course of an hour, this time it was scant amount of brown. I re-grouped, sucked it up and went to work, there was nothing else for me to do and my job requires almost no physical effort. Several bathroom breaks and lots of cramping and lower back pain later I called the RE's office. It took several hours for me to hear back only to be told to come in and get a script for a blood pregnancy test. I was told that I would probably not hear back from them until tomorrow....great.... The day at the office ends and I come home to rest and take care of school stuff for kids, and see how daughter is doing, she has been running fever on an off for 2 days. Don't worry she was not alone, 14 yr old big brother was home with her (he's home-schooled) and my office is less than 5 minutes from home, we spoke on the phone no less than 10 times throughout the day. My spotting increased and at this point has turned red. Hubby and I agreed that we should continue the PIO shots until I speak to the RE tomorrow, just in case. We had run out of 22 gauge 1 inch needles so this time we used a 25 gauge 1 inch needle. It worked just fine, less pain and hubby said it was only a tad slower injecting. I cried the whole time before, during and after. Not because of any physical pain, but because my heart is breaking. It sucks so bad, I am crampy and my lower back is killing me, so not only do I have to deal with the emotional aspect of this IVF probably failing, I also have to deal with the physical aspect. My arms are empty, I am sooo sad. I want so bad to hold onto some shred of hope that my blood test could be positive and its just my body being screwy. I just can't find it in me to hold on to hope, it would crush me all the more. If I could change one thing about how we went about this process, I would have only told family and the few people at work that needed to know. I would not have shared it with friends and co-workers. Not because I don't appreciate their concern, but because I just don't have the energy to tell them it failed and I just can't handle all the sympathy, well - intended comments. I just want to crawl in a hole. I hid downstairs in our laundry - room and cried on the floor till hubby found me. Pathetic huh? I just did not want my kids to hear me like that. They will know the truth, but they don't need to see me sobbing and aching. feeling like I have lost a loved one. I knew a negative outcome would hurt, I just didn't expect it to be this painful. I thought I had prepared myself, I thought I had insulated my heart. I guess you can't enter into this type of treatment without allowing hope in too. Now what?

First, I wait for the call in the morning, after I have cried in the tub and cried myself to sleep. Once I get the call, who knows. If by a chance of a miracle it's positive we will be ecstatic and reserved. I would imagine that with my bleeding that it would require a follow - up blood test, and maybe an ultrasound. If its negative which is the most likely case, I may be instructed to go ahead and get another blood draw on Thurs. (my initial scheduled date) just to confirm. Then from there I have no idea. I do have questions so I am hoping that we will have a follow - up visit to discuss details and hopefully figure out what direction we are going to go in. I understand how people could go broke pursuing a positive pregnancy test with a resulting baby. My age may come into play, the RE may not want to treat me anymore. Finances play a role in the decision also, not so much from my aspect, but from hubby's. He is very fiscally responsible and is not interested in accruing massive debt to end up empty handed. He considers the life we have now, what we want for the future and my two existing children. All I see is the elusive baby in my dreams. How do you stop the desire? How do you stop your heart from wanting what it wants?

6 1/2 dpt

It's after midnight here, I had my egg transfer last Sun, Jan 27th. I am 6 days post transfer with 3 day embryos grade B. I wonder if I could count tonight after midnight as tomorrow morning which would make me 7 days post transfer? Everyday that brings me closer to that Beta test just seems to make me more anxious. I really really want to know, but not if it's going to be a BFN. If the test is going to be negative I would just assume staying in denial and pretending that I could possibly pregnant. I keep going back and forth about POAS, I have a stick under my bathroom sink that I could pee on. I open the cabinet and look at it several times a day, but I always walk away. If I get a negative now it might have a negative impact on my attitude, and what if it's too early for levels to show up in my urine and on Thurs, Feb 7th I take my blood test and it comes back positive, then I will have been depresses and crushed for no reason. I want that call from the RE's office, but I know I will be terrified to answer the phone when I see the number, knowing that the answer to my dreams will be on the other end. Will the answer fulfill my dreams or dash them on the rocks. How can you prepare yourself for the emotional havoc that a negative result will inflict? So POAS might ease the anxiety, if I get negatives then I get a little taste of disappointment before confirmation by blood, and I can still hold on to the fact that it might be too early to show up in urine. But if it comes back positive I get a boost to help me through the rest of the wait.
In the meantime my PIO injections are going well, I have only slight tenderness at injection sites, no bruising or lumps, my husband is doing a great job of administering the shots.
My side - effects of the PIO are confusing me, my breasts are much larger and extremely tender all the time. I am crampy, mainly with activity - no matter how mild - and its mainly concentrated on the right side. My lower back aches, just like it did when I was pregnant with both of my children in the past. A new symptom/side - effect that showed up today is thigh bone aching, which I only get right before I start my period or when I was pregnant before. All of these could be signs of pregnancy or its the PIO....the hard part is having these symptoms and not being sure if its the medicine messing with me. I wish there was a way to determine which it at a date sooner than the blood-test. I hate waiting!

Another day

Another day down, more to come. Fortunately I was very busy at work today, getting our company's billing out, giving my home-schooled son his exams, taking my dear daughter to get her lovely long hair cut ( it looks great....I will just miss those cascading curls). Went to dinner with friends, all in all a really good day. I am tired and the right side cramps are back. A heating pad set on low for just a few minutes place directly over the sore spot seems to help. Also up until today I have had no issues with the PIO shots, but today, both sides of my butt are sore, not sure why, no lumps or bruises.
Still trying to stay positive and hopeful.

Still waiting...but

I am still in the holding pattern, its too early for any of my symptoms (huge, sore breasts, crampy uterus, tired, nausea, etc) to mean anything. I truly believe all of my symptoms are related to the PIO I take nightly. I have felt calm and cool...up until today. Not sure why, but a fear of failure hit me, a fear that I will be crushed and I will never get pregnant. I am trying to be positive and upbeat, and for the most part I am managing well. Today though I am scared of never having our dream of a baby fulfilled. I am a little more irritable today, I am cramping more and it seems to be concentrated on my right side, the same place that hurts every month before I start my period, or right before I ovulate. I never had this pain until after the cornual pregnancy. I had a HSG to make sure there were no blockages in my tubes or malformations in my uterus. The RE showed us the video of the HSG and we could plainly see that my uterus looked great and both my tubes were open and clear. I had the trail transfer right before we started the stims and my uterus checked out ok. He has never mentioned seeing any scar tissue and I have had more ultra-sounds than I can count. So why do I have pain in this one side every month, and why is my cramping primarily on this same side? I am so afraid I am going to have a repeat cornual/ectopic pregnancy. I know embryos latch on to scar tissue, what if I have scar tissue at the entrance to my uterus from the tubes. Maybe I am reading , researching and analyzing everything too much. They say that sometimes a little knowledge can be dangerous, maybe it is dangerous for my brain to have access to all this info, it makes me worry more instead of reassuring me. Also my DD's teacher, who is pregnant, she told me about her friend that did IVF, transferred 3 eggs and ended up with an ectopic pregnancy. I know she meant know harm, she was just sharing an infertility experience with me since her round belly was obvious proof that she has not been experiencing infertility. It still put an ugly picture in my head though. I don't want to worry, I want to be filled with peace and calm and positive thoughts so that I can send warm welcoming feelings to my embryos, so they will be more likely to stay. I talk to them everyday, telling them to find a nice warm spot and to snuggle up for the long haul. Not sure if it is working, but it can't hurt....right?