I knew it

I was right, my heart, my instincts, my gut, it was all there. I received the call early this morning. My favorite nurse, she has been through IVF multiple times, one ended in a beautiful baby girl. She continued to expand her family with the adoption of twins. She understands the loss I feel, she has been there. She was straight forward, what is the point of trying to soften the blow as it is what it is. We scheduled a follow - up appt. with the RE for Feb 20th. She said at this point he has a very clear understanding of me and my infertility. I told her I had a few questions and she said that hopefully he would be able to answer if not address them. I really want a laparoscopic procedure of my uterus performed. Every since that cornual pregnancy I have right side pain where my right tube and ovary are located. I want to know if there is scar tissue or some other factor that could have prevented implantation. We probably should have had this done prior to moving onto IVF, but my HSG was fine so we all assumed my uterus was in good shape. Now that we have spent all this money on IVF only to end up with an empty uterus I have to wonder if we missed something. I put my whole heart and soul into this process, my longing for a baby has only increased in the past few days. The irony of the situation, I have not bled anymore and spotting is sporadic and barely there. My cramps have also gone away. What is up with that? The only plus in all this, no PIO shot tonight. The irony, no PIO shot tonight and I think I will miss it.

I stayed home from work today and hibernated in bed. I only answered the phone when the calls were from family. I could just not deal with other people. Both of my children and my hubby are sick. I figure I will face the public tomorrow and go to work until I can get both kids in to see the Dr. Probably just colds but daughter has been running fever on and off for 4 days now. Fortunately I am caught up at work so I can afford to play it loose this week.

I tried to talk to hubby tonight about my feelings about all of this and also about my possible theories as to why this didn't work. He is feeling so sick he just wasn't up for the convo. It hurt my feelings, but I understand that he feels crappy. I just feel alone. I don't want to talk to friends as they just don't understand. My family loves me and is supportive but I think they like most others think I should just accept its not meant to be. I am not ready to do that, I truly feel that I am supposed to be a Mom to one more child. I feel like I am supposed to be pregnant with our child, that hubby is supposed to be a Dad, not just a step-dad. I know its hard for him to see me so sad and let down, but if he thinks that stopping this process will make me stop being sad, he is wrong. I can't and am not ready to let go and move on. I want a baby, our baby.

I guess I will spend my time trying to re-group and re-claim my sanity before we meet with the RE. I want him to believe that he can help us, I need him to believe that he can help us. I need hubby to believe there is hope, the way I believe it.

6 1/2 dpt

It's after midnight here, I had my egg transfer last Sun, Jan 27th. I am 6 days post transfer with 3 day embryos grade B. I wonder if I could count tonight after midnight as tomorrow morning which would make me 7 days post transfer? Everyday that brings me closer to that Beta test just seems to make me more anxious. I really really want to know, but not if it's going to be a BFN. If the test is going to be negative I would just assume staying in denial and pretending that I could possibly pregnant. I keep going back and forth about POAS, I have a stick under my bathroom sink that I could pee on. I open the cabinet and look at it several times a day, but I always walk away. If I get a negative now it might have a negative impact on my attitude, and what if it's too early for levels to show up in my urine and on Thurs, Feb 7th I take my blood test and it comes back positive, then I will have been depresses and crushed for no reason. I want that call from the RE's office, but I know I will be terrified to answer the phone when I see the number, knowing that the answer to my dreams will be on the other end. Will the answer fulfill my dreams or dash them on the rocks. How can you prepare yourself for the emotional havoc that a negative result will inflict? So POAS might ease the anxiety, if I get negatives then I get a little taste of disappointment before confirmation by blood, and I can still hold on to the fact that it might be too early to show up in urine. But if it comes back positive I get a boost to help me through the rest of the wait.
In the meantime my PIO injections are going well, I have only slight tenderness at injection sites, no bruising or lumps, my husband is doing a great job of administering the shots.
My side - effects of the PIO are confusing me, my breasts are much larger and extremely tender all the time. I am crampy, mainly with activity - no matter how mild - and its mainly concentrated on the right side. My lower back aches, just like it did when I was pregnant with both of my children in the past. A new symptom/side - effect that showed up today is thigh bone aching, which I only get right before I start my period or when I was pregnant before. All of these could be signs of pregnancy or its the PIO....the hard part is having these symptoms and not being sure if its the medicine messing with me. I wish there was a way to determine which it at a date sooner than the blood-test. I hate waiting!

Another day

Another day down, more to come. Fortunately I was very busy at work today, getting our company's billing out, giving my home-schooled son his exams, taking my dear daughter to get her lovely long hair cut ( it looks great....I will just miss those cascading curls). Went to dinner with friends, all in all a really good day. I am tired and the right side cramps are back. A heating pad set on low for just a few minutes place directly over the sore spot seems to help. Also up until today I have had no issues with the PIO shots, but today, both sides of my butt are sore, not sure why, no lumps or bruises.
Still trying to stay positive and hopeful.

Still waiting...but

I am still in the holding pattern, its too early for any of my symptoms (huge, sore breasts, crampy uterus, tired, nausea, etc) to mean anything. I truly believe all of my symptoms are related to the PIO I take nightly. I have felt calm and cool...up until today. Not sure why, but a fear of failure hit me, a fear that I will be crushed and I will never get pregnant. I am trying to be positive and upbeat, and for the most part I am managing well. Today though I am scared of never having our dream of a baby fulfilled. I am a little more irritable today, I am cramping more and it seems to be concentrated on my right side, the same place that hurts every month before I start my period, or right before I ovulate. I never had this pain until after the cornual pregnancy. I had a HSG to make sure there were no blockages in my tubes or malformations in my uterus. The RE showed us the video of the HSG and we could plainly see that my uterus looked great and both my tubes were open and clear. I had the trail transfer right before we started the stims and my uterus checked out ok. He has never mentioned seeing any scar tissue and I have had more ultra-sounds than I can count. So why do I have pain in this one side every month, and why is my cramping primarily on this same side? I am so afraid I am going to have a repeat cornual/ectopic pregnancy. I know embryos latch on to scar tissue, what if I have scar tissue at the entrance to my uterus from the tubes. Maybe I am reading , researching and analyzing everything too much. They say that sometimes a little knowledge can be dangerous, maybe it is dangerous for my brain to have access to all this info, it makes me worry more instead of reassuring me. Also my DD's teacher, who is pregnant, she told me about her friend that did IVF, transferred 3 eggs and ended up with an ectopic pregnancy. I know she meant know harm, she was just sharing an infertility experience with me since her round belly was obvious proof that she has not been experiencing infertility. It still put an ugly picture in my head though. I don't want to worry, I want to be filled with peace and calm and positive thoughts so that I can send warm welcoming feelings to my embryos, so they will be more likely to stay. I talk to them everyday, telling them to find a nice warm spot and to snuggle up for the long haul. Not sure if it is working, but it can't hurt....right?

The 2WW begins

Ok, so life resumed so sense of normalcy today. I woke up at a normal time and went back to work. Since my job is basically a desk job and my husband is my boss I have a lot of flexibility. I am not tied to my desk all day and can pretty much come and go within reason when it comes to running kids around and picking my daughter up from school. It was nice to be back even if my desk was overflowing with paperwork. It actually didn't take that long to get it under control and I was able to get my "flat billing" out.
I am having quite a bit of cramping on and off in my lower abdomen, mostly it stays on the right side. The same side that has always bothered me since the cornual pregnancy 2 years ago. All tests show that there are no blockages so no one is sure why I have the recurrent pain. I have been taking Tylenol with my RE's ok to manage the pain and sometimes for short measures I use a heating pad set on low on the right side. I don't leave it on for more than 5 minutes and I use the lowest setting so I really don't think I am doing any harm, after all the embryos have yet to implant as of today and I use it in the area where my right ovary is not directly over my uterus.
I am kind of hibernating from people since last Thurs. the day of the retrieval. I talked freely to friends and family about our struggle with infertility, I didn't want to perpetuate the stigma by remaining silent about our struggles. I appreciate the sympathy, empathy, support, concern and curiosity expressed by all, but sometimes I just need to keep it to myself for a bit. Sometimes I just don't want to answer questions, explain or protocol, etc. I don't want to feel alone in our journey and I want to be helpful to others that might experience infertility, and I have a hard enough time feeling like I fit in the infertility box. But, sometimes it has to just be mine. Not even hubby's, not to be selfish, but it's my body going through this whole process and sometimes I have to stake a few moments with it by myself. That is where I am now, trying not to over analyze every twinge, trying not to count the minutes till Feb 7th, trying to feel positive yet not get my hopes so high that I am crushed. Sometimes all of that requires that I hide in my cocoon for a little bit of each day....not only am I maybe, possibly growing a baby, maybe 3 of them, but I am also trying to grow myself some wings. In case I have 3 babies I might need them to fly away for a few minutes for some baby free time....LOL

Transfer day

We showed up at the RE's office this morning for our 8:30am transfer still not knowing if we would actually get to transfer today. Let me tell you, holding your pee from the night before is not fun. I forbid my loving husband from drinking any of his water, I figure if I have to suffer than he can thirst to death for about 30 mins. So the RE takes us to his office and I am feeling pretty lucky at this point, based on the news yesterday. Alas disappointment was waiting. One of our 7 embryos was no longer dividing so that left us with 6, then he proceeds to tell us that 2 more embryos had slow cleavage and were probably not going to divide, so now we were down to 4 embryos and one of them he is not so sure about, it seems to be a little wonky. So we are left with 3 embryos, but he says they are dividing nicely and were very good quality. We had all agreed we would transfer no more than 2 embryos as more than 2 babies was not a risk we were willing to take. After listening to our RE and all his wisdom we agreed with him that our best chance of pregnancy was to transfer those 3 good embryos today. He honestly felt that it was not irresponsible to do so given my age and the low rate of achievable pregnancies for woman in my situation. It was almost a relief, yet disappointing at the same time. The Embryologist will keep an eye on the other 4 embryos in culture for the next 2 - 3 days to determine if they might possibly redeem themselves for cryo, stranger things have happened.
At this point its time to get this show on the road. Hubby gets to sit in the waiting room with my purse and I am taken back to the same pre-op/recovery-room from the day of retrieval where I am instructed to strip once again...oooo but I get to keep my bra on this time. After I change I am led into the OR room again but this time I have to get on the table with my butt hanging off of a wedge shaped pillow. It is placed at the foot of the bed and I scoot to the very end so my butt is up in the air and my feet are resting on the end rails of the bed and my head rests on a flat pillow....get the picture, not exactly the most comfortable position to be in. In the meantime I had a great nurse who talked me through the procedure right along with my RE. He always makes sure I understand what it is going on. So with a full bladder they press on my belly with the ultra-sound wand to make sure my full bladder is out of the way so he can see my uterus. He takes a quick peek to make sure my ovaries are fine, and they are. The nurse really likes me, I get the warm gel and the warm speculum...yep you have to be special to get one of those. I hate to have my cervix messed with so the next part, the part where he uses King Kong q-tips to clean the cervical mucus out of the way was my least favorite part of the procedure. It seems the cervical mucus can get in the way and cause the flexible tube they use to get hung up. Finally after what seemed like forever but was probably no more than 10 mins from the time I walked into the OR my wonderful embryos were brought in and were transferred into my hopefully sticky uterus. The process of the transfer only took about 60 seconds and I didn't even feel the tube and there was no pain involved. I asked the RE to hang a "Home Sweet Home" sign in there so that my embryos might feel more welcome and want to stick around....LOL The embryologist then checked the tube to make sure my embryos were in fact no longer in the tube. My bed was wheeled into the recovery area with my butt still in the air but now covered by a blanket. I was instructed to try and stay in that position for at least 20 mins but an hour if I could manage it without peeing myself. I was able to read my book and the RE was nice enough to let hubby come back and sit with me as long as he wore a pretty cap and some booties. I was afraid I wouldn't last 20 mins I had to pee so bad, but our nurse came back to hang as we were the only patients and she had locked up the front office. The RE checked on me 2 more times before he left and we hung out with our nurse. She was great, she and her husband are going through their own trial with infertility, hubby and I really felt for them as she told their story. Sometimes I don't feel I really belong to that club of infertile woman, I mean I have two beautiful children already. As the RE said numerous times, if I was 10 yrs younger I would not be in his office, I would not need his help. I have age related secondary infertility and sometimes I feel very selfish for wanting one more child. It's not just for me, its for hubby too. We learned the almost all the people that work in the office are or have been patients of my RE, so they all know what it is like to battle infertility and all the physical and emotional ups & downs that go along with it. Anyway, I made it an hour, time actually flew by. I was finally able to pee and was assured that the embryos would not fall out. With instructions to stay off my feet we headed home where I stayed in bed and napped on and off all day. Every commercial, show, website I happen upon is about pregnancy, and multiples, not sure what it means if anything, probably nothing. I am sure I am just extra sensitive right now. We are to continue my PIO shots nightly until a positive pregnancy test or until advised to stop. I took my last dose of the antibiotic this morning. We are scheduled for a pregnancy test on Feb 7th so hopefully we will get positive news at that point. Our chances aren't great, they aren't bad. Its in God's hands now. So for now I lay my hand on my abdomen and say a prayer for sticky eggs and a sticky uterus.