It's over

Today was the day, its over. My period officially started today, in fact it woke me up. Actually the pain woke me up, I tried to ignore it but it was a no go. So now the flood has begun, you would think that a girl could get a break and get a painless period after all the crap I've had to go through. So the grieving process continues and I have decided I like this whole hibernation thing. I tried not to get my hopes up when my period didn't start right away, but i couldn't help it. My heart wanted that blood test to have been to early to get a positive result. I wanted to call the RE Monday morning and tell them they were wrong. It feels like a loss all over again.
Once I saw the picture of those three embryos, our embryos, future babies, I was attached. As my son said, I was pregnant in a petri-dish. When the RE transferred those three embryos into my uterus, in my heart I became pregnant at that moment, and I felt pregnant in my heart until the bleeding. It feels like I have lost my babies. I am in no way comparing it to women that have lost babies later in pregnancy, I have actually had more than one miscarriage. But in my heart they were my babies and now they are gone, never to be. I want so badly to have a do over, a mulligan. I want to try IVF again, although it would be even better to be able to conceive naturally. I am so afraid the RE will decide I am too old, but I know there are many woman out there older than me that are able to conceive with IVF and sometimes on their own. I am sure he has patients older than me with less ovarian reserve. I truly believe he can help us. I just hope hubby believes it, he would probably be ready to move on. Not because he doesn't want a baby, he does, he just doesn't like to see me so sad, plus he came to the decision that he wanted to be a Father later in life and had accepted life without biological children. I on the other hand always wanted more children, my circumstances as a single parent just got in the way of that. Finances will definitely pay a part in whether we move forward with IVF again. It would be cool if we could get a break in that dept. I think back on a past appt. with the RE. It was a few days after I started on the Ganirelix. We went for an appt./ultra-sound, the RE asked how I was and I told him I didn't like the Ganirelix. As he performed the ultra-sound he said the Ganirelix did not like me either. I asked him what that meant and what we were going to do. He said something about it slowing me down too much, but that we had to continue the Ganirelix as we could not stop it. I was under the impression that stopping the Ganirelix and trying another med. was not an option as it might screw up this cycle. I wonder if the Ganirelix inhibited me from producing more follicles and thus more eggs. I will have to ask him about it, it may bode well that he may be willing to treat me with a different protocol, and who knows maybe it will be cheaper.
All I know at this point is that I am still incredibly sad, wishing I could hibernate forever and can't wait till my appt. on Feb 20th.