Can it get worse?

Yes it can. I have been in constant pain, lower right abdominal pain, right flank pain and now right shoulder blade pain. What does all this mean? Who knows....I saw my OB/GYN last Thurs and was prescribed another antibiotic for the potential kidney infection. Levaquin this time, supposed to be pretty good stuff, UA came back clear but with trace blood so a culture was sent off. Fast forward to today, woke up in tears after little to no sleep due to constant need to pee and pain. Called my primary Dr. and got an appt. for this morning. Dear annoyed, fed up hubby went with me. Another UA was done, trace blood again but other wise unremarkable, we got the culture results back from last Thurs. and it was clear, no infection. Why am I still in horrible pain? After an exam, Dr. decided to send me across the street to the hospital for an in depth ultra-sound of the abdomen and pelvis. I had an external Ab and pelvic ultra-sound and a vaginal ultrasound...talk about fun. We then were instructed to go back to the Dr.'s office to wait for results. About 45 minutes later the Dr. comes in and tells me I am interesting. Thanks, glad I can entertain you. He proceeds to tell us that my Ab ultra-sound was completely normal, pelvic ultrasound was the interesting one. I have a cyst on my right ovary, I have the measurements, not sure if its big or not, he didn't seem worried about that, the crazy part...."There is a small cystic area in the uterus. No fetal pole or yolk sac is identified but I cannot exclude a very early pregnancy." That was the Radiologists report word for word. So now we are in shock.

Is this a repeat of 2 yrs ago? I have all the same symptoms, ab pain, shoulder blade pain, need to pee all the time, but only dribbling, exhausted, feeling like utter crap. All these were signs of a failed pregnancy and a cornual pregnancy that was not diagnosed till months later after much suffering. Can life really be that cruel? I mean I want to be pregnant, I just don't want to deal with loss and pain again. I have had a period but I could have bled and still been pregnant, it was a short cycle. I have been on the b/c pills and all these crazy antibiotics what has all that stuff done? The scariest part is the shoulder-blade pain and the lower right ab pain, I am so afraid of another cornual/ectopic pregnancy. I just cannot deal with this happening all over again. The only plus if this is a failed pregnancy is the fact that we can get pregnant and that means my eggs are not too old.

I have an appt. with the RE tomorrow morning. My regular RE is out of town so I will be seeing his fill-in, but I have seen her once before and she was great on the phone today, so I feel confident in seeing her tomorrow. She will do an ultra-sound and my HCG will be back also, so hopefully we will get some answers.

Still hurting

I am still hurting...kidney infection seems to be better but oddly enough my kidney pain seems to come back around mid-day. My abdominal pain is still the same, annoying and painful. I am seriously thinking of hitting my Dr. up for some more pain meds, because I am going to run out long before my scheduled Lap. surg.
I was soooo hoping for Buzz to stick. As of last night I just don't think that happened. I had some very slight pink spotting right before bed. Nothing this morning and then a few instances of slight brown spotting, very small amounts and then nothing. I am not really having any cramps, other than the usual pain that I have been living with. I did break down and POAS last night, I knew it would be negative but a girl can dream. I had my silent cry in the tub...hubby was sleeping and didn't want to wake him, he was already sad earlier when I told him I was spotting. So I allowed myself to cry and feel sorry for myself until I got out of the tub.
I was telling a friend yesterday how much I resent other pregnant women. I know that their pregnancy does not deny me mine but I just feel resentful and somewhat bitter. I am really trying to overcome that, after all I have no clue about their circumstances. Any way I was telling her that when I see pregnant ladies I just want to punch them........I say this in jest and she got it. She said I should probably steer clear of pregnant ladies...funny thing.......they are everywhere. Seriously, I thought about this last night. I have never been so bombarded with fertility, pregnancy and babies. I know I am not imagining this, its crazy and it drives me crazy. Every magazine, every website, pregnancy!!! It is a constant reminder to me so even when I try to focus on other things and not be so self concerned with my fertility I cannot get away from it. It feels often like the universe is trying to tell me something, or maybe it's God. I rely on my faith to get me through. Which brings me to..
Faith...I was talking to my Mother the other day and was telling her of my thoughts on my struggle. I believe that God answers prayers, I believe God wants whats best for me and my family. I believe that children are a blessing from God. Which makes me wonder why do people that don't believe and have Faith get to be pregnant? How come they are blessed with a baby without believing while I who believes remains empty. Don't get me wrong, I have already been blessed with two amazing children, but my husband and I want a child we made together. It may seem selfish but how is it anymore selfish than any other couple that wants a child together? I realized as I was talking to my Mom that all my success' and failures in every aspect of my life are a result of my Faith. The way I live my Faith. We have not be regular in our church attendance and I hate that for all of us, but especially my children. I asked myself...why would God bless us with a child when I am not even making sure the two I already have are getting the exposure to church and God like they should. My children know and believe but as children they are young in their Faith and it is important for us all to grow in our Faith. So is that the key? Do I need to grow in my Faith to be worthy of a baby? I have been trying to turn my anxiety about infertility over to God. I am trying not to feel overwhelmed, recognizing that God is really the one in control, not me, not hubby, and not even the RE. I need to accept that statistics are not God's way. Did you know that every women documented to be faced with infertility in the Bible was healed of her infertility and blessed with a pregnancy and a child? How amazing is that? I so want to be a success story. I do not want to end my fertile years on a failure.
More thoughts to come on this later and more thoughts on my thoughts on continued IVF with my eggs versus donor eggs.

Am I better?

Am I better? I am not sure how to answer that question when asked of me. I guess I feel a little better, my kidney pain seems to be less as each day passes, my abdominal pain stays the same. I spend most of my time attached to my heating pad, we are best friends. I really need to come up with a name for him/her....LOL. All of this pain and being practically bed-ridden with pain has really messed with my head. I feel absent from my life. I have plans to go to work tomorrow, I am so far behind and need to catch up. The kids and hubby have been very sympathetic and understanding, and its not fair to them. Hopefully my RE can bump up my Lap. surgery so we can get this pain under control.
The benefit of this downtime for me has been time for me to think. I really want to try and conceive naturally, I truly have faith in my body, that my body is still capable. My intentions are to eat and drink healthier with conception being a goal, not the only goal. Prayer has always been a part of my life, sometimes a bigger part and sometimes a lesser part. Research shows that prayer plays a large part in success of IVF and conventional conception. My faith has me believing that if you pray in earnest that God answers all prayers. I can only hope and pray that God will answer my prayers to bless us with a child of our own.

The pain continues

My pain has only continued and has even increased. I spent the majority of the day in the ER yesterday, on Tues. I went to the Dr. because my pain has shifted to my right flank. It took several days and much persistence on my part but I have a kidney infection. My repeated UA's came back negative but I asked for a culture and we finally got the results today. I was right. I am now on my 2nd antibiotic, Septra and I don't do well together so now I am on Cipro, and neither Dr. is sure it works well against the bacteria I have, Amoxil would work great on the bacteria, unfortunately I am severely allergic so we decided not to add any extra excitement to our weekend and stick with the Cipro. I may go see the RE in the morning as he is keeping tabs on me, hubby asked him if we could bump up my Laproscopy, I cannot wait till April if the pain continues at this level.
On a side note, all the hard work (sex) that hubby and I had last week trying to get preggo on our own may have been in vain. With the abdominal CT scan yesterday, the antibiotics and the hydro-codone for pain, well our potential embryo that we might have created, well it probably doesn't stand a chance. Although I have been praying that if we succeeded that God would please watch out for our buzz. Yep, that's its name, buzz. Why? Because an embryo is the result of egg and sperm successfully meeting, embie is a nickname many people in the infertile community use, embie made me think of the letter B and the letter B made me think of bumble bee's and bumble bee's made me think of buzzing, so therefore I have nicknamed all potential offspring buzz.