I have heat

Went to the RE's office today for another ultrasound to check progress of my ovaries and the thickness of my uterine lining. RE takes his normal peek at ovaries....he starts with the right side...the not so important side as there is no tube on that side. I have follicles....a good number of them. Impatient me asks about the left side...the so very important side. His response..."Yep, we have heat". He was pleased, I am responding well to the stimulation, I actually do better on meds. for super - ovulation than I did when doing IVF. It's been 10 months Oct 24th that I smoked my very last cigarette. I miss them sometimes, mostly when I am stressed, the rest of the time I can't stand the smell. I am hoping that the length of smoke free time will increase our chances this month. I have my last 5 units of Lupron in the AM and then my last Follistim injection in the PM. Come Sat. morning, I will be woken up by hubby at 8AM for my HCG in the rump shot. I know, your thinking, "what a wonderful way to wake up" a large jab in the butt by an even bigger needle. At this point in the cycle I get a little weepy, and I am so over being stabbed in the belly with sharp objects. I feel really good about this cycle, in a way I haven't since our very first try. I would hate to jinx myself or get my hopes up to have them dashed to the concrete floor like I jar of pickled eggs in a gas station. How does a person put themselves through all this without hope. Without hope what would be the point. A very fine line we walk to maintain some semblance of sanity.

It's been awhile so here is a random pic:

M & his friend N, photo shoot for School Dance Dept.

For documentation purposes

Well, we are in the midst of another Super Ovulation cycle. This one seems very different than all the others. For one, I made the call to the RE earlier than usual. Usually I wait till my cycle is full on - this time, I called as soon as I started. My baseline levels were great. At my last appt. on Sat. my uterine lining was thicker at that point than in the past....I'm going to take that as a good sign. Follies are developing pretty evenly on each side, but hoping and praying for more on the left as that is where my remaining tube is.
Appt. in the morning, hopefully it will be more good news.
I have been hesitant in posting all this info, when I put it out there I allow myself to hope. I want to hope, it is necessary and healthy to have hope, but I don't want to ignore reality. I don't want to say it out loud...but I feel this cycle could be the one. I say it in my head numerous times a day, but now it's out there, and I just don't want to be a naive fool again, for actually believing in a successful outcome this round. I will admit, with every injection hubby gives me, the desire to continue putting myself through this wanes. I just am tired of getting stuck in my belly fat with a needle twice a day for 9 - 12 days. I want this cycle to be the one sooo bad partly due to the anxiety of these daily injections, I am tired of having a bruised and sore belly. I want a round, tight belly with baby feet kicking me.

A new cycle

Today was the beginning of super ovulation #5. and cycle day 3. The appt. with the RE went well, I have one follicle that is ahead of the other's. It is on my right ovary, wont do me much good as there is no tube on that side. The plan is to get the other 8 or so follicles to catch up so we can get some good ones on the left side. Had my blood work and off to work I went. Tick - tock, time to pick up my kids for a trip to the Ped. for some immunizations, and physical for R. She is such a little lady, 4'11" and 71 lbs, she was terrified to get her shots but she was a trooper and did well. In the meantime I received a call from the RE's office, my estrogen level is in the low 90's, not really that great, it should be in 40's to low 50's. We decided since Insurance covers this 100% to just go for it and see what is going on come Friday. If it seems like its headed wrong due to the one big follicle we will tank the cycle and wait till next month in hopes of avoiding a cyst.

We started with 5 units of Lupron and 360 units of Follistim injections. And we are off.....

Another day

Another day down, more to come. Fortunately I was very busy at work today, getting our company's billing out, giving my home-schooled son his exams, taking my dear daughter to get her lovely long hair cut ( it looks great....I will just miss those cascading curls). Went to dinner with friends, all in all a really good day. I am tired and the right side cramps are back. A heating pad set on low for just a few minutes place directly over the sore spot seems to help. Also up until today I have had no issues with the PIO shots, but today, both sides of my butt are sore, not sure why, no lumps or bruises.
Still trying to stay positive and hopeful.

Still waiting...but

I am still in the holding pattern, its too early for any of my symptoms (huge, sore breasts, crampy uterus, tired, nausea, etc) to mean anything. I truly believe all of my symptoms are related to the PIO I take nightly. I have felt calm and cool...up until today. Not sure why, but a fear of failure hit me, a fear that I will be crushed and I will never get pregnant. I am trying to be positive and upbeat, and for the most part I am managing well. Today though I am scared of never having our dream of a baby fulfilled. I am a little more irritable today, I am cramping more and it seems to be concentrated on my right side, the same place that hurts every month before I start my period, or right before I ovulate. I never had this pain until after the cornual pregnancy. I had a HSG to make sure there were no blockages in my tubes or malformations in my uterus. The RE showed us the video of the HSG and we could plainly see that my uterus looked great and both my tubes were open and clear. I had the trail transfer right before we started the stims and my uterus checked out ok. He has never mentioned seeing any scar tissue and I have had more ultra-sounds than I can count. So why do I have pain in this one side every month, and why is my cramping primarily on this same side? I am so afraid I am going to have a repeat cornual/ectopic pregnancy. I know embryos latch on to scar tissue, what if I have scar tissue at the entrance to my uterus from the tubes. Maybe I am reading , researching and analyzing everything too much. They say that sometimes a little knowledge can be dangerous, maybe it is dangerous for my brain to have access to all this info, it makes me worry more instead of reassuring me. Also my DD's teacher, who is pregnant, she told me about her friend that did IVF, transferred 3 eggs and ended up with an ectopic pregnancy. I know she meant know harm, she was just sharing an infertility experience with me since her round belly was obvious proof that she has not been experiencing infertility. It still put an ugly picture in my head though. I don't want to worry, I want to be filled with peace and calm and positive thoughts so that I can send warm welcoming feelings to my embryos, so they will be more likely to stay. I talk to them everyday, telling them to find a nice warm spot and to snuggle up for the long haul. Not sure if it is working, but it can't hurt....right?

2WW continued.....

We are a few days into our 2 week wait, not a lot to report. I am tired, I am crampy on and off throughout the day, but it does seem to get worse towards the end of the day. Any number of reasons could explain why. I am still feeling calm, unusually calm. I think a large part of that is the nightly PIO injections with a small role played by the reality that it is truly not in my control. I mean as long as I take it easy, take care of myself and follow Dr.'s orders than its out of my hands. I am aware of the passage of time and how it affects this process and when we can test for pregnancy, but I am not dwelling on it. It's like I can't muster the energy to worry, maybe that is a good thing at this point. We shared our struggles with family and many friends over this past year as we have tried to conceive and now as we edge closer to success we feel very fortunate that everyone has been so excited for the possibility of this IVF working. Everyone wants to know when we will know if we are pregnant, and the really good friends are excited yet concerned that I don't get my heart crushed in the event that this does not work. My thoughts on the next step for us should this IVF fail, well they run the gamut. On one hand nothing, no medicine, no procedure has been so difficult to tolerate that it would prevent me or dissuade me from repeating this process again. It's the emotional aspect that affects my thoughts. One minute I think I could not put myself through this again, mostly due to the disappointment but also due to my age. Other times I just cannot bear to end my child-bearing life on a note of failure. Failure is not an option for me, I hate failing. You can see the conundrum here, IVF has no guarantees, it's all risk and if your not a big gambler than the stakes of repeated failure may be too hard for you. I have yet to determine how much of my heart I am willing to gamble.

The 2WW begins

Ok, so life resumed so sense of normalcy today. I woke up at a normal time and went back to work. Since my job is basically a desk job and my husband is my boss I have a lot of flexibility. I am not tied to my desk all day and can pretty much come and go within reason when it comes to running kids around and picking my daughter up from school. It was nice to be back even if my desk was overflowing with paperwork. It actually didn't take that long to get it under control and I was able to get my "flat billing" out.
I am having quite a bit of cramping on and off in my lower abdomen, mostly it stays on the right side. The same side that has always bothered me since the cornual pregnancy 2 years ago. All tests show that there are no blockages so no one is sure why I have the recurrent pain. I have been taking Tylenol with my RE's ok to manage the pain and sometimes for short measures I use a heating pad set on low on the right side. I don't leave it on for more than 5 minutes and I use the lowest setting so I really don't think I am doing any harm, after all the embryos have yet to implant as of today and I use it in the area where my right ovary is not directly over my uterus.
I am kind of hibernating from people since last Thurs. the day of the retrieval. I talked freely to friends and family about our struggle with infertility, I didn't want to perpetuate the stigma by remaining silent about our struggles. I appreciate the sympathy, empathy, support, concern and curiosity expressed by all, but sometimes I just need to keep it to myself for a bit. Sometimes I just don't want to answer questions, explain or protocol, etc. I don't want to feel alone in our journey and I want to be helpful to others that might experience infertility, and I have a hard enough time feeling like I fit in the infertility box. But, sometimes it has to just be mine. Not even hubby's, not to be selfish, but it's my body going through this whole process and sometimes I have to stake a few moments with it by myself. That is where I am now, trying not to over analyze every twinge, trying not to count the minutes till Feb 7th, trying to feel positive yet not get my hopes so high that I am crushed. Sometimes all of that requires that I hide in my cocoon for a little bit of each day....not only am I maybe, possibly growing a baby, maybe 3 of them, but I am also trying to grow myself some wings. In case I have 3 babies I might need them to fly away for a few minutes for some baby free time....LOL

Transfer day

We showed up at the RE's office this morning for our 8:30am transfer still not knowing if we would actually get to transfer today. Let me tell you, holding your pee from the night before is not fun. I forbid my loving husband from drinking any of his water, I figure if I have to suffer than he can thirst to death for about 30 mins. So the RE takes us to his office and I am feeling pretty lucky at this point, based on the news yesterday. Alas disappointment was waiting. One of our 7 embryos was no longer dividing so that left us with 6, then he proceeds to tell us that 2 more embryos had slow cleavage and were probably not going to divide, so now we were down to 4 embryos and one of them he is not so sure about, it seems to be a little wonky. So we are left with 3 embryos, but he says they are dividing nicely and were very good quality. We had all agreed we would transfer no more than 2 embryos as more than 2 babies was not a risk we were willing to take. After listening to our RE and all his wisdom we agreed with him that our best chance of pregnancy was to transfer those 3 good embryos today. He honestly felt that it was not irresponsible to do so given my age and the low rate of achievable pregnancies for woman in my situation. It was almost a relief, yet disappointing at the same time. The Embryologist will keep an eye on the other 4 embryos in culture for the next 2 - 3 days to determine if they might possibly redeem themselves for cryo, stranger things have happened.
At this point its time to get this show on the road. Hubby gets to sit in the waiting room with my purse and I am taken back to the same pre-op/recovery-room from the day of retrieval where I am instructed to strip once again...oooo but I get to keep my bra on this time. After I change I am led into the OR room again but this time I have to get on the table with my butt hanging off of a wedge shaped pillow. It is placed at the foot of the bed and I scoot to the very end so my butt is up in the air and my feet are resting on the end rails of the bed and my head rests on a flat pillow....get the picture, not exactly the most comfortable position to be in. In the meantime I had a great nurse who talked me through the procedure right along with my RE. He always makes sure I understand what it is going on. So with a full bladder they press on my belly with the ultra-sound wand to make sure my full bladder is out of the way so he can see my uterus. He takes a quick peek to make sure my ovaries are fine, and they are. The nurse really likes me, I get the warm gel and the warm speculum...yep you have to be special to get one of those. I hate to have my cervix messed with so the next part, the part where he uses King Kong q-tips to clean the cervical mucus out of the way was my least favorite part of the procedure. It seems the cervical mucus can get in the way and cause the flexible tube they use to get hung up. Finally after what seemed like forever but was probably no more than 10 mins from the time I walked into the OR my wonderful embryos were brought in and were transferred into my hopefully sticky uterus. The process of the transfer only took about 60 seconds and I didn't even feel the tube and there was no pain involved. I asked the RE to hang a "Home Sweet Home" sign in there so that my embryos might feel more welcome and want to stick around....LOL The embryologist then checked the tube to make sure my embryos were in fact no longer in the tube. My bed was wheeled into the recovery area with my butt still in the air but now covered by a blanket. I was instructed to try and stay in that position for at least 20 mins but an hour if I could manage it without peeing myself. I was able to read my book and the RE was nice enough to let hubby come back and sit with me as long as he wore a pretty cap and some booties. I was afraid I wouldn't last 20 mins I had to pee so bad, but our nurse came back to hang as we were the only patients and she had locked up the front office. The RE checked on me 2 more times before he left and we hung out with our nurse. She was great, she and her husband are going through their own trial with infertility, hubby and I really felt for them as she told their story. Sometimes I don't feel I really belong to that club of infertile woman, I mean I have two beautiful children already. As the RE said numerous times, if I was 10 yrs younger I would not be in his office, I would not need his help. I have age related secondary infertility and sometimes I feel very selfish for wanting one more child. It's not just for me, its for hubby too. We learned the almost all the people that work in the office are or have been patients of my RE, so they all know what it is like to battle infertility and all the physical and emotional ups & downs that go along with it. Anyway, I made it an hour, time actually flew by. I was finally able to pee and was assured that the embryos would not fall out. With instructions to stay off my feet we headed home where I stayed in bed and napped on and off all day. Every commercial, show, website I happen upon is about pregnancy, and multiples, not sure what it means if anything, probably nothing. I am sure I am just extra sensitive right now. We are to continue my PIO shots nightly until a positive pregnancy test or until advised to stop. I took my last dose of the antibiotic this morning. We are scheduled for a pregnancy test on Feb 7th so hopefully we will get positive news at that point. Our chances aren't great, they aren't bad. Its in God's hands now. So for now I lay my hand on my abdomen and say a prayer for sticky eggs and a sticky uterus.

Update on eggs

I slept in today, I only woke up to pee and with the thought that the RE should be calling soon. Ring, ring....Hello....Hi Dr. I had a feeling you were going to be calling soon. What's the news? Good news really. All 7 eggs, surprisingly very good quality. 6 eggs are grade B and 1 is a grade C. He says that is great for someone my age (40). I tell him I tried to make more, but he said he was actually happy with what we got, all 7 are quality mature eggs, all 7 fertilized and all 7 are dividing. In most cases not all the eggs are mature, less fertilize and even less divide, so we are in a good place. My dear hubby and I decided to brave the dreaded PIO shot alone and with only a few Internet videos for instruction, in addition to the verbal instructions we received from the RE's nurse and my Mom (a nurse). We were going to drag my sister (a nurse) into this science experiment as my Mom was working. But we got brave and impatient so what the hell. In case anyone reads this I will explain what worked for me. I got the heating pad warming up on the upper right quadrant of my butt while hubby drew up the 1cc of PIO in the syringe. He used the 22 gauge 1 1/2 inch needle to draw up the PIO, he found it was a little difficult to do as it is thick so you may want to warm it up in your hand or under your arm before you swab the rubber top with the alcohol swab. Once he drew up the PIO we left the needle on and he brought the syringe to me. I put it in the fold of the heating pad and continued to keep it on my rump. After a few minutes I checked to make sure the syringe and oil were only warm and not hot. Hubby then changed the needle to a 22 gauge 1 inch needle as I am thin with very little body fat (don't hate). I had my Mom, sister and RE nurse check to make sure that the needle was long enough, although most people require a 1 1/2 inch needle. Some people use 25 gauge needles, but the 22 gauge only stung a little and I did not feel the oil going in. Hubby rubbed the injection site with the heel of his palm for a minute and then I put the heating pad on the injection site for about 5 minutes. The whole process was short and almost painless, it wasn't worth the anxiety that built up to the point. Several hours later I have only slight tenderness at the site and no lumps that I can feel. I am not jumping for joy that I have to do more of these for who knows how long, but I no longer feel the dread when thinking about them.
We have an 8:30am appt. with the RE in the morning for a possible transfer of 2 of our embryos, possible because the RE will make his decision in the morning after a peek at the embryos to decide whether to transfer tomorrow on day 3 or if he wants to wait and transfer on Tues. day 5. We just want him to transfer on the day that will ensure the best possible outcome for us, which would be a positive pregnancy test.

Almost there

I had an appt. with the RE on Saturday and all was well, he estimated about 10 eggs. I was a little disappointed but he was ok with that. I was told to continue the meds, Follistim, Menopur and Ganirelix and come back on Monday. Fast forward to Monday morning and more bruises on my tummy. This ultra-sound was extra uncomfortable. Why you ask? Well, it looks more like 12 to 15 eggs, maybe more as my left ovary likes to play hide - and - seek. So my instructions were to take all three meds on Mon. night, Tues. night I was to get 200 units of Follistim at 6pm and 2cc's of HCG at exactly 8pm. So after hubby gave me the tummy shot at 6pm, I rested, cause I'm all crampy and sore. It's the watermelon size ovaries people. I trekked my soon to be sore butt over to my Mom's so she could administer the lovely rump shot of HCG. I always dread it, but she is so good that it almost never hurts, just a little soreness the next day at injection site. I start my antibiotic in the morning....Doxycycline, one in the morning and one in the evening...yippee!!! No shots on Wed. I can have nothing to eat or drink after mid-night cause the big day is Thurs. at 7:30am. Whoa..that is early, but hey why wake up, they are just going to put me back to sleep when I get there. Egg retrieval is upon us and I am excited, scared, relieved in no particular order, it just depends on the time of day. The details of the retrieval are gory so I will save them for after the fact. It should only take about 40 min. and then after being monitored for about an hour I get to come home and snuggle up in my bed for the remainder of the day. Thurs. is also a big day for hubby as he gets to be a participant finally, yep, he gets to love himself into a cup. Crossing my fingers and praying for a positive outcome with no complications...not for him...for me..LOL

I want watermelons not mangos

We had our IVF appt. on Wed, Jan 16th. The RE came in and asked how I was doing on the meds. I explained that aside from tenderness at the injection sites and my abdomen feeling heavy I was doing fine. I said to him that my ovaries felt like mango's, and his response was " mango's aren't good enough, I want watermelons"...LOL Is he crazy? The ultrasound went well, I have 3 - 4 good eggs growing on each ovary, the RE really would like to see a minimum of 12 total, but preferably closer to 18. I have continued on the same meds, Follistim and Menopur at the same dosages, but we started a new one tonight. Ganirelix, it is also injected sub-cu and we chose to inject in my stomach like the other two. Wont be doing that again, the needle is the same length as my other needles, but it is larger and it hurt like a mother. Soooo I think we will be finding a nice squishy fat spot on my butt for tomorrow's injection. The other two meds have to go in my tummy but we have options with this new one, any old fat will do. My tummy looks like a dart board from a drunken tournament and I just can't abuse it anymore than I have to. Our next appt. is Sat. morning and that should give us a better idea of retrieval date. The RE said it's looking like a 25% chance for either Tues. or Thurs. and a 50% chance of Wed. Doesn't really matter to me, I am just ready to get the show on the road. The only problem is each day brings me closer to those dreaded PIO shots and I am shaking in my boots just thinking about them. I watched a few videos online of people demonstrating their techniques. I guess it doesn't look as bad as I imagined but still that's a big needle and a soft squishy place...UGH!!!

A quick update

Nothing much is going on...unless you count the bruised puncture marks in my abdomen. It's tender and my lower back aches, right about where my ovaries should be. That is if they are still in the correct location and not trying to hide to avoid all these hormones. I have a low grade headache that comes and goes and my ovaries feel busy...LOL. I watched some videos showing PIO injections, so I am getting brave and am considering letting dear hubby learn how to give them. Actually it's for my convenience, if he doesn't learn then I will have to go to my Mom's or sister's to get them done. I think it would be easier for him to learn, that way I can whine and wallow on my own bed with a heating pad after he spears me. I just hope his manliness helps with this endeavor. I mean isn't jabbing an 1 1/2 long needle into the tush of your wife kind of like the hunting men did back in the days of cavemen? It's not like I will be running away ....well I might.

A shot in the dark

January 11, 2008 approximately 6:30pm....we began our injections. Follistim - 360 units, I've had up to 225 units before, let me tell you the amount of medicine makes a difference in the duration and discomfort of the injection. It seems to burn a little more and already after only 2 nights of this my tummy is tender. The Menopur - 1cc, it burned more than I thought it would and it seems to be extremely slow to inject. My husband does a great job with his sticks, he is quick and smooth so I can't complain that its his technique. He seems to think the Menopur is thicker, although it looks thin and watery to me. Needless to say we have survived two nights of these injections and my body seems to be responding already. My lower abdomen feels heavy and kind of busy and tender to the touch, so I figure that on day 2, hormonally its more like day 4 of my past cycles. So far the only annoying side effect I am having is a horrible headache. It surrounds the complete top of my skull, and feels like my head is going to pop off. I've tried Tylenol as that's about all I can take, but it hasn't helped yet. If the headache continues through tomorrow I will call my RE and see if he has any recommendations or if he wants to see me sooner than Wed to check and make sure I am responding to the meds within the normal limits. I'm sure to anyone reading this, it is about as exciting as watch paint dry. The whole point of this blog was for me to document this process for myself, and hopefully my future child. If it answers questions about infertility or IVF for anyone then that's great. Please know that this is my personal experience and not to be construed as medical advice in any way. Only an individuals Doctor is qualified to advise them on any medical conditions that they may be facing.

Happy New Year....and the countdown begins

The new year started out alright. Now if the rest of 2008 would kindly follow suit and stay in step I would be ever so grateful.
Now on to the good stuff, well not good, but scary. I ordered my meds for the IVF and they arrived on Friday. Can I just say that there is nothing joyous about a package filled with 35 1 1/2 inch needles in it. Yep, that's the size, 22 gauge, I might as well have gone to Mickey D's and swiped a handful of their drinking straws as they are roughly the same size and lets face it, the straws are way more colorful and cheerful. As we already have our stash of Follistim and HCG we only had to order the Menapur (sp) and the Ganirelix (sp) and my very favorite PIO (Progesterone in oil). I have my baseline U/S appt on Jan 10th and will be given instructions on when and how much of each med we are to start using. I say we to mean, Me - the recipient of horrible injections in my so very tender stomach and He - being my ever so accurate with a sharp object of a husband. From the little I re-call during my last visit and lets be honest here, I have not looked at the patient info packet they gave me, I will begin with the Follistim and Menapur injections in my stomach for several days. I will be seen every couple of days by the RE or rather my uterus and ovaries will be seen to determine how my eggs are coming along. Once they reach a certain size (Mars seems about right) then I will begin the Ganirelix also in the stomach...fun fun. But that is only the beginning folks. At such time that my eggs measure equal to the planet Neptune I will be given one of my favorite cocktails, the HCG injection in the rear, not to be confused with a shot of tequila, it goes down a little smoother but still stings like tequila and leaves a nice tender bruised spot on my butt, just like when I have had too much tequila, but there is no great buzz to go with it and I have yet to get my husband to add salt and suck a lime when administering it. Not sure how it works after that, but I get to be asleep for it, the retrieval of said planets from my ovaries. Being put to sleep and getting to take the day off from work are the only benefits that I am looking forward to at this point. I will save the excitement I feel about the PIO for another day.