Sucks

My life is sucky right now. I ended up being 7 days late with my cycle....made the mistake of getting my hopes up. Repeated HPT's came back negative, called RE, went in for blood work on Tues. Blood work negative, said I hadn't even ovulated yet.......WTF!!! I was on cycle day 34 how is that possible. RE said I was going to "O" soon. Bought OPK kit trying to find the silver lining in all this. Started bleeding that night...cruel joke!!! Called RE in the morning, he decided I had a dysfunctional uterus at this point. Prescribed Prometrium, once a day for 10 days to force my cycle so we could get this show on the road. I made it clear I did not have time to waste. Started the med Wed. night, had cramps everywhere but my uterus on Thurs. Bleeding is still only slight. Feeling extra emotional and weepy this past week, very discouraged. Wait!!! It gets better, my Brother-in-law, the one married to my Sister that has 4 kids and had an"accidental" pregnancy this past Aug 2008 (ended in early miscarriage), he called and left me message telling me that they are pregnant again. WTF!!!!! She is too chicken to tell me herself so he does it in a voicemail. He said that they know it has been rough for me and hubby not conceiving after everything we have been through but that I need to be happy for them....WTF!!!!? I am even more devastated that ever. I did not call back but spoke to my Mom, she and my other Sister have known for a week. I feel so disrespected, sad and very angry at this point. I do NOT have to be happy for them, I am NOT happy for them. They cannot afford another child, their financial status is shaky at best. I was informed that her pregnancy was an accident..........again..........my ass!!! I am so hurt and I have sooo much anger right now. My niece is having her Birthday party this weekend, I do not want to be around them, but she and my daughter are the same age and very close. My Sister is 38yrs old, smokes and drinks, I have done every right .... how come it happens for her and not me....especially now....what do I do? My family keeps asking me if all the heartache is worth it for me, yet they are all happy for her. How do I explain how important this is to us? I feel so alone at this point. I deal with secondary infertility, it is horrible and sad. How do people that have never had a child do this? How do you know when you must let go and stop everything? How do I let go of my deep, painful desire for another child? Our options are very limited, adoption is not one, with hubby's 2 previous divorces and my one, no one would give us a baby. I am not ready to give up on my eggs and move onto donor eggs. How do you reconcile using donor eggs if you still believe in your own eggs and you already have children that are genetically yours?

My depression is rearing it's ugly head, I am drowning in sadness. I just want 1 healthy baby, one that is "ours". Is that so bad?

No sleep

Sleep comes to be in a round about way. I have a difficult time falling asleep, but once I am there I don't want to get up. It is the time of year. I am not a winter person. I need the longer, warmer days. We leave on Sunday for our family vacation. It is also part of the kid's Christmas present. We are going to Disney for 5 days and they each are bringing a cousin. I hate packing but I am super excited about this trip. Since the kids have been with their Dad (it was his Christmas this year) things have been quiet and mellow here at home. The presents are wrapped and under the tree, waiting for them to come home. I head out to meet my sister early in the morning, they live several hours from us and we need our nephew to be here the day before the trip.

We did go to my brother's house on Christmas to see what my 2 little nephews got from Santa. It was nice to be with little ones who totally get into the excitement of Christmas. My sister - in - law has been offering to pray over my womb for a while. We finally had an opportunity while there. I was afraid it would be awkward, but it wasn't. It was just her, hubby and myself, with hands laid on my abdomen she said the most amazing prayer asking God to open my womb and bless us with the baby we want so badly. Maybe I am crazy but during her prayer I felt a buzzing inside me directly beneath our hands. Hubby said it was his vibrating hands...haha...not...I felt it from the inside not externally. Who knows what it meant, if anything at all, but I felt peaceful and loved and that feeling is still there. She didn't realize until afterwards that this is my fertile time and hubby and I have been trying without stress this month. God works in mysterious ways.

On a completely different note, I have been following this woman's blog for a bit of time now. Her story really touched me. Her name is Emilie and has battled infertility, when she was pregnant with her 2nd baby boy in August 2007 she was diagnosed with soft tissue sarcoma. After surgery to remove all the tumor she went onto a normal healthy pregnancy and delivered a 2nd healthy son. Shortly after she learned her cancer was back and had taken over. In spite of her determination and strong fight to live she passed away in the evening of Dec 23rd. I am so sad for her, and her family. I wanted her to beat this, even though we had never met, I felt connected, as a Mother. I pray that she is at peace and that her family will hold onto the good memories and feel her love for them each day as they grieve her loss. Her blog is lemmondrops .

Hubby and nephew ~ typical men, eating and watching tv..haha

It's a bust

This cycle ended up a complete wipeout. The leading follicle just wanted to show off. I went in this morning for and ultrasound and we discovered I had ovulated. Two eggs, one from each ovary. Bloodwork confirmed ovulation day as Sunday. We will still give it the old college try, but I don't have much hope for success. The plan is to start all over with my next cycle.

I am extremely disappointed and frustrated, wasted time, wasted meds., and wasted mental stress. I stayed home, cleaned house and took a nap. I just wasn't up for much human contact outside of my immediate family.

Life....oh, I didn't know I had one

My life has hit a bumpy patch. I have been vacillating between self pity, anger and empowered. Let's see, in the past 3 weeks: My sister has announced her 5th pregnancy, really made me sad, now I am worried for her, she has an active subchorionic bleed. They are watching her closely. Our house flooded due to a cracked toilet tank. I have been let go from my job. I have been there for over 5 yrs, a major international corp. bought the company out. Hubby and I have worked together just fine, but now new company says no relatives can be employed at same location. Since Hubby has been put in charge of this location, I must go. No ifs ands or buts. It sucks big time...what makes it worse? They made Hubby do the dirty work and inform me. I have spent the past 2 weeks helping new company (milking me for all my knowledge) with a smile on my face. At this point I am angry, and sad. The previous owners are aware and have another business but have not offered to let me work for that company. They have made me feel that my 5 yrs of hard work, and loyalty have been for nothing.


I am too tired to continue this so I will be back with more details soon.

Today....or yesterday because its tomorrow already

Was today better? Not really, I spent the day snuggled deep under my new fluffy bedding. I avoided the world for as long as I could. The BIL called this morning to see if we wanted to go to the beach....I just couldn't do it. I am not ready to put on a happy face for my sister and my period as reached epic proportions ( I am cramping like a villain and bleeding like a slit pig). I know you really appreciate the visual right. By 1pm I was starving so it became imperative that I extricate myself from the covers and get dressed and venture out for food. The hubby and M & R and I all went to Applebee's for lunch, nothing special but the Asian Chix salad I had hit the spot. We had to pick up crickets for M's gecko and then headed to Target for hubby's meds and I bought a 5 pack of underwear....you can never have too many pairs of cotton bikini underdrawers. By this point my uterus was falling out so hubby took R & I home and he and M went grocery shopping. (Yeah for the good guys in my life!)
E my niece (preg. sister's daughter) invited R to spend the night. No problem, they have such a great time together, Sis and her family came to pick R up, I was trying to rest at this point so I did not show my face (call me chicken, I don't care). I am just not at an accepting place as far as her pregnancy goes, I've only had 24 hrs to process this.
M was invited to the movies with his best friend and his Father. So hubby and I ordered pizza and ate in.
I spent the better part of the evening helping M install his video camera on his laptop and just generally hanging out. I am trying to focus on the blessings in my life....how many other Mother's of teen son's are actually welcome to hang out with their son's in their rooms? My kids talk to me, not about random bull, but about real stuff. About relationships, friendships, their changing bodies, nothing is off limits. We love each other and we say it and show it. Hubby is the same, he is my very best friend, we can talk about everything.
I cried as I soaked in the tub tonight, while I read a magazine and ate cherry licorice. I cried for the loss of a baby this month. I cried because I am sad and envious of my sister. Why is it easier for me to be happy for all the ladies I read here on the Internet who have success than for my own sister? I told my hubby it feels like their was this unspoken rule in our family, that it was my turn to get pregnant, and I feel like my sister broke that rule. It sounds stupid I know, but emotions are not always rational. I have not felt this down since our failed IVF, even the surgery in June to remove my right tube was not this depressing. It feels like every time I get knocked over it is getting harder and harder to re-group and get up. I am having an extremely difficult time finding my optimistic side at this point. I dread everything that requires communication with the world outside my immediate family and my house.

I am sooo NOT HAPPY!!!

I have had a horrid weekend. In chronological order

Friday 08-08-08 - Wake up to the downstairs toilet reservoir tank with a huge crack in it and our floors flooded. Hardwood floors - soaked, closet with photo albums - soaked, garage - flooded like a swimming pool. Hours of cleanup, calls to homeowners insurance, visit by adjuster, visit by clean - up crew, 10 huge fans, dehumidifiers and special bubble wrap looking mats with hoses scattered throughout house, baseboards ripped out. House in massive disarray.

Saturday 08-09-08 - Hubby runs to work to shoot of a quick email that he was unable to send the day before because of above problem. Get a call from Hubby - his computer crashed. He took it to a shop - hundreds of dollars later new computer with Hubby's info salvaged and transferred. Afternoon rolls around and daughter's laptop is infected with a virus, I can't fix ( desktop computer had virus last week, I fixed) take to same shop Hubby just left and find out virus is the same the desktop had, but it hid itself in the background. Computer has to be cleaned and restored to factory settings, losing all her info, she'll survive.

Continuing Saturday afternoon, my period was 4 days late...I stupidly got my hopes up. I mean I had a tubal removal surgery in June, I'm 41 yrs old, I was an idiot for thinking it could happen. Several hours of pain later ( I have adenomyosis) my sister calls. She says she has upsetting news to tell me. She is pregnant with her 5th child......I love her but WTF!!! Please understand I need to vent. So here goes...Brother - in - law was supposed to get a vasectomy 2 kids ago, but they said they couldn't afford the co-pay ( cause babies are cheaper right!) They have been fighting like mad for about 6 months, both threatening divorce (it's been very ugly). She has been smoking like a fiend because of marital probs. and drinking more than usual (every night when the kids go to bed). Tells me that they only had sex once in the past 3 months ( is that supposed to make me feel better?) They struggle financially because neither are fiscally responsible, they struggle as parents because they do not parent as a team and are not consistent. I sound bitter and angry...I am. I cried on the phone, I couldn't help it. She didn't want to make the call, but my Mom told her she had to do it sooner than later or I would be more hurt if I found out from someone else. She felt bad for me, I understand, but it didn't make me feel better. I told her I didn't know what to say except that I would come to terms but right now I was sad for me. I thanked her for telling me and that I was not mad at her, but that I needed to get off the phone.
I cried and cried and my head hurt and them I cried more. Hubby felt horrible for me, M & R felt horrible for me. Hubby felt horrible for himself. I told M & R that I needed them to know that my desire for another child was not because they weren't enough but because Hubby & I wanted one together. M gently reminded me that they weren't stupid, and that Hubby was a Dad to them even if there was no blood connection. I am blessed with such wonderful supportive kids, that makes it worse because I want another one that I know will be just as amazing. We are supposed to go to the beach with my sister and her family on Sunday.....I just don't know if I can handle it, plus my period is like the Apocalypse of all periods.

This sucks!!!

I got answers

Yep, I got answers and I don't like them. Funnily enough my RE was pretty excited. Why you ask, I asked him the same question. His response..."Because now I know what I'm dealing with". Very inspiring. Basically I have two choices.

Choice #1: Don't do anything, keep suffering in pain, and risk an ectopic pregnancy if I were so lucky to even get pregnant.

Choice #2: Have my right fallopian tube removed. Resection, reconstruction, not really options without increasing my chance of an ectopic pregnancy even more. He did say he could also remove the ovary from that side so that my left ovary would kick in double time for sure. A no brainer...nope, I am keeping both my ovaries cause you never know what the future holds. Fortunately the RE agreed with me.

He agreed with me that our chances of conceiving naturally with one tube go down, but I also caught that look in his eyes that said "Right, like that would happen at your age". But he also agreed that the body can and will compensate for the loss of one tube and he did say IVF was still an option for us.

I don't feel like I have much choice if I want to be free of the pain and I want to keep trying to conceive. Healing would be at least a month before we could begin trying again. After much thought I made the decision to schedule surgery for June 19th. It's a ways off, but the kids will be out of school by then, major dance stuff for them will be over and its the middle of the month so it wont interfere with my end of the month work. It's just the best time for me and it gives me a little more time to come to terms with this decision and who knows maybe we will get preggo on our own before then.

In the meantime hubby is supposed to have back surgery for the 3rd time so we are going to try and get his done before mine so he has time to recuperate before its my turn. He has a bulging disk and its compressing a nerve so he is in constant pain. We are a fine pair to try for a baby in our current painful grouchy state.

I know I am all over the map with this post, but my brain is all over the place. Honestly so is my heart. I am so disappointed, my heart aches and my arms are still empty. I so very much want to have a child with my husband, I want to share that joy with him. At this point for me, I just have to cling to my Faith to get me through.

Random picture of the day:

She's really limber

Biding time

For now we are just biding our time. My appt. for Lap. surg is scheduled for April 10th and there is not alot I can do until then. We received my letter from the RE today, it outlines my pre pre-op instructions. I have a pre-op appt and lab work to get done but that isn't till the beginning of April. The past few days hubby and I have been having some wonferfully open in depth conversations about this process and where we are and what we want out of it. Ultimately we both want the same thing. We both want a baby that is genetically linked to both of us. Where we are different: Hubby's desire for a baby no matter what is greater than his desire to have a baby linked to both of us genetically (maybe because his genes aren't at stake), My desire for a baby genetically linked to both of us is greater than my desire to have a baby no matter what (probably because my genes are at stake) I explained to him that my emotions are like a flag waving in the wind, I go from one extreme to the other. After my Lap. surg and after my blood work and the time comes to make a decision I know that it wont take me years to decide, by that point I will know where I am at and I will be able to make the decision and be ok with it even if it makes me a little sad. If we choose to use donor eggs I am not sure I will reveal that even here in this blog. I think that I will have to respect the mutual decision hubby and I make to keep that info between ourselves and our RE and no one else. I couldn't risk someone finding out before our child finds out.
My pain is still there or rather it comes and goes consistently throughout the day as usual.

Well I'm not pregnant

I know, I know... we already knew this. Why am I telling you this now. Well hubby went to the store and brought back an HPT for me. We are both so concerned with my pain, afraid it could have meant an ectopic pregnancy, hence the pregnancy test. So I held my pee this morning while he ran to the store and then I ran to the bathroom as soon as he presented me with the lovely package. It was negative, as I knew it would be, a disappointment because a miracle would have been nice, relief because no HCG registered so that would mean I am not pregnant, which means no ectopic which is healthier for me. So I have spent the day with a heating pad pressed to my abdomen. Emotionally I am all over the place. Poor hubby, I had to meltdowns today, one earlier due the constant pain I am. He offered to take to the ER but its not that painful and I don't think it's an emergency. It is just constant and annoying. The 2nd meltdown was baby related, my fear that it wont happen, that the RE will tell me it's not worth the money to try again. I asked hubby if he would back me up in my request for Laparoscopic surgery. He says he will back me up, I think mostly because he wants my pain to stop and he hopes we might find a reason for it. Is it crazy of me to want to go under anesthesia and hope that the RE finds something wrong? Not like cancer, but something along the lines of scar tissue, endometriosis something that would explain why we haven't been able to get pregnant with or without medical help in spite of healthy eggs and ovulation and healthy sperm.

Through tears tonight I told hubby how I thought I could handle the outcome whatever it was, but I was fooling myself. I could only handle success because I expected nothing less. Failure never entered my heart. I cried my heart out and explained to him how badly I wanted to make him a Father, how bad my arms ache to hold our child. I told him how I feel like I have failed him. Adoption is not an option, not financially, plus we have both been divorced, and I battled depression in the past for many years. I won that battle, now I just want to win this battle.

Happy Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day, it's been a good day, but it could have been better. Why do I let that sneak in? I have two amazing children and a wonderful husband and I was able to spend Valentine's Day with all of them. I am grateful, I just feel an emptiness. We have a friend who is pregnant and scheduled for a c-section next Wed., Feb 20th the same day as my RE follow - up appt. I am happy for her and her family, I really am. I told her about my appt. and she said may this is an omen, sign, etc, her having a baby on the same day. Maybe it will be a positive appt. and I might get answers, at least the ones I need and want. I watched my beautiful daughter rub her belly and talk to the baby. She is excited for her friend to be a big sister. I see how much she loves babies and how bad she wants to be a big sister. She would be so amazing, she is so nurturing. I want her to have the opportunity to be a big sister and it makes me sad that I can't control that. I didn't cry last night, it was a first. The pain in my right side is still there and actually it was worse today. Plus I had what felt like period cramps, but the bleeding stopped 2 days ago. It makes no sense. There has got to be a reason that this pain will no go away, I feel its my sign. I have felt only the tad bit hopeful today, which is better than the hopelessness that I have felt for the past week. A small improvement, but I will take it.
My son will be 15 yrs old next month, he is counting down the days till his Birthday as it will mean a Learner's Permit for him. He is so excited. I am counting down the days till me RE appt. Am I a crazy person for trying for a child at 40 with an almost 15 yr old and a 10 yr old. I will be 41 in April, I thought for sure that 2007 was going to be our year, the year we added a baby to our family. I never imagined that it would take this long and be this difficult and heart wrenching. I was so naive and I am trying so hard to keep my bubble from being busted. I need that bubble to keep my hope afloat.

Shake it off

I can't seem to shake this feeling of sadness and failure. I honestly did not realize that IVF failure would be this devastating to me. I guess I assumed because I already have two healthy kids, a loving husband, a beautiful home, and a great family, I assumed that I would be ok whatever the turnout. Hubby kept telling me that the result would not make or break us and I believed him then and still do. But what about me? It's breaking me. I have not felt this "kicked in the gut" since I was in the middle of my divorce almost 9 yrs ago. I feel like I am dying inside, I feel like the death of my fertility has occurred and I am so unprepared to give up. We haven't even met with the RE for our follow - up appt. yet and I feel so dismal. I am so afraid he will tell me it is hopeless and we are wasting our time and money, or worse that he will refuse to help me anymore. Then I flip and spend my time researching my pain and I keep coming back to the fact that my eggs were great quality, that all 7 fertilized, all 7 divided and although we had none to send to cryo we had 3 6-7 cell embryos transferred. Everything was headed straight for success and blam!!! I am now leaning toward the opinion that there is probably scar tissue in the upper right corner of my uterus where my right fallopian tube enters into the uterus. I am feeling pain in the area as I type. I have let this feeling linger for 2 yrs, the feeling that something is wrong, it wasn't there before the pregnancy 2 yrs ago. After the HSG showed no blockages and the RE seemed to be happy with those results I kind of relaxed my guard about the pain. I didn't want to believe it could be relevant and now I think it is. I have mentioned periodically to the RE and he has been non-committal. but I think that is because I have not been forceful enough in mentioning it, its more in passing. Probably because I was so engrossed in the process of the meds and ultra-sounds and monitoring. Now its time to get serious and I cannot wait for the appt. on Feb 20th. I need hope. By the way the bombardment of pregnancy, baby, fertility/infertility is getting worse. I feel like the universe is telling me something

Hanging on

I am still hanging on, sometimes its by a thread. I keep expecting to feel better as each day passes, but instead the hurt seems worse. My period all bu stopped as of yesterday, now its only slight spotting again. What the heck...spotting, a 3 day period, more spotting. My pains on the right side have not left me alone, in fact they seem to be lingering longer than usual. Very annoying.
I had a serious talk with hubby today. I explained my theory about why implantation did not happen and as he is familiar with my pain he agreed that it sounds possible. Possibly that the pain is caused by scar tissue which interferes with implantation. I also told him that his refusal to discuss this loss has led to my feelings of loneliness and isolation. I explained to him that I feel as I am the only one who wants a baby still, that I am the only one that wants to continue on this journey. He said he was just waiting to hear the RE lay it all out for us. I explained that I need to him to verbalize to me if he is still on board. I need to hear him say it. He told me that he did still want a baby with me, he still wants us to try and hopefully succeed with a healthy pregnancy and baby. He just wants the facts before he allows himself to get his hopes up again. He agrees that we should make sure the RE understands about my recurrent pain in the right side and hopefully convince him to explore it to determine if that is the reason nothing has worked yet. I mean we both agree, I respond well to meds, eggs - good, sperm - good, fertilization - good, cell division - good, implantation - not so good. That's where it all went bad, so why is that? I will not be content until I get a real answer that I can live with, and I am not ready to give up yet.
I know I sound like a broken record but until Feb 20th comes along and we get to meet with the RE I just have this outlet for my feelings and thoughts. So either I bore whoever may chance by this blog or I implode from all the swirly mixed up emotions.

I cry

I cry and cry, usually the crying starts because of something unrelated to the failure of the IVF. My emotions are all over the place. It feels like everyone expects me to just pick up and keep going as if everything is great. I get words of compassion and sympathy from friend and family, its nice and appreciated but its a constant reminder of the failure and it feels like a punch in the gut. I spend my time trying to show gratitude and hold the tears back. I am drained at the end of the day, not only from all this heavy bleeding but also because I spend all day with my public face on. Why is it that no one gets it? I am grieving this failed IVF and trying to hold onto hope for my future fertility. I told hubby tonight that I need him to have a positive attitude when we go for our follow-up appt. with the RE on Feb 20th. He says he will, and he wont have any preconceived opinions until after he hears the Dr. out. But, what I want from him...I want him to fight for our fertility. I want him to fight for another chance to conceive a child/children. I don't want to be the only one fighting for us. He says he still wants a child, but he is more accepting of the possibility that it might not work. I on the other hand am not accepting. Failure is NOT an option. I feel deep in my heart that I am supposed to be a Mother again, that I am supposed to get pregnant again. More than ever I am getting bombarded with pregnancy/babies etc. It could be that I am more sensitive, but I doubt it. We have been trying for over 2 years to get pregnant and in all that time I have never been this surrounded by fertility.
It comes down to my faith in my reproductive capabilities. My eggs are good, I have good ovarian reserve, I tolerate the meds well and am a decent responder. Hubby has good sperm, all my eggs and his sperm fertilized in the dish with no help, the embryos divided well, and we were able to transfer 3 embryos. So far so good, but then they didn't stick. Could it be a uterus issue? Is my uterus not a welcome environment? Could it be there is some problem left over from the cornual pregnancy that was not visible by HSG or ultra-sound? I need answers and I need a resolution. I asked hubby tonight if the reason we did not get pregnant was due to our failure to attend church. He doesn't agree, but I wonder if I need to make sure every part of my life needs working on. I am not a smoker anymore, I don't drink, I try to eat right, I am not overweight. I am thinking about acupuncture for fertility and also looking into supplements that might improve my fertility. It may be far fetched, but I am desperate and I need to be pro-active so that I don't get mired down in sadness and hopelessness. I am 40 almost 41 and that sucks big time.

It's over

Today was the day, its over. My period officially started today, in fact it woke me up. Actually the pain woke me up, I tried to ignore it but it was a no go. So now the flood has begun, you would think that a girl could get a break and get a painless period after all the crap I've had to go through. So the grieving process continues and I have decided I like this whole hibernation thing. I tried not to get my hopes up when my period didn't start right away, but i couldn't help it. My heart wanted that blood test to have been to early to get a positive result. I wanted to call the RE Monday morning and tell them they were wrong. It feels like a loss all over again.
Once I saw the picture of those three embryos, our embryos, future babies, I was attached. As my son said, I was pregnant in a petri-dish. When the RE transferred those three embryos into my uterus, in my heart I became pregnant at that moment, and I felt pregnant in my heart until the bleeding. It feels like I have lost my babies. I am in no way comparing it to women that have lost babies later in pregnancy, I have actually had more than one miscarriage. But in my heart they were my babies and now they are gone, never to be. I want so badly to have a do over, a mulligan. I want to try IVF again, although it would be even better to be able to conceive naturally. I am so afraid the RE will decide I am too old, but I know there are many woman out there older than me that are able to conceive with IVF and sometimes on their own. I am sure he has patients older than me with less ovarian reserve. I truly believe he can help us. I just hope hubby believes it, he would probably be ready to move on. Not because he doesn't want a baby, he does, he just doesn't like to see me so sad, plus he came to the decision that he wanted to be a Father later in life and had accepted life without biological children. I on the other hand always wanted more children, my circumstances as a single parent just got in the way of that. Finances will definitely pay a part in whether we move forward with IVF again. It would be cool if we could get a break in that dept. I think back on a past appt. with the RE. It was a few days after I started on the Ganirelix. We went for an appt./ultra-sound, the RE asked how I was and I told him I didn't like the Ganirelix. As he performed the ultra-sound he said the Ganirelix did not like me either. I asked him what that meant and what we were going to do. He said something about it slowing me down too much, but that we had to continue the Ganirelix as we could not stop it. I was under the impression that stopping the Ganirelix and trying another med. was not an option as it might screw up this cycle. I wonder if the Ganirelix inhibited me from producing more follicles and thus more eggs. I will have to ask him about it, it may bode well that he may be willing to treat me with a different protocol, and who knows maybe it will be cheaper.
All I know at this point is that I am still incredibly sad, wishing I could hibernate forever and can't wait till my appt. on Feb 20th.

I knew it

I was right, my heart, my instincts, my gut, it was all there. I received the call early this morning. My favorite nurse, she has been through IVF multiple times, one ended in a beautiful baby girl. She continued to expand her family with the adoption of twins. She understands the loss I feel, she has been there. She was straight forward, what is the point of trying to soften the blow as it is what it is. We scheduled a follow - up appt. with the RE for Feb 20th. She said at this point he has a very clear understanding of me and my infertility. I told her I had a few questions and she said that hopefully he would be able to answer if not address them. I really want a laparoscopic procedure of my uterus performed. Every since that cornual pregnancy I have right side pain where my right tube and ovary are located. I want to know if there is scar tissue or some other factor that could have prevented implantation. We probably should have had this done prior to moving onto IVF, but my HSG was fine so we all assumed my uterus was in good shape. Now that we have spent all this money on IVF only to end up with an empty uterus I have to wonder if we missed something. I put my whole heart and soul into this process, my longing for a baby has only increased in the past few days. The irony of the situation, I have not bled anymore and spotting is sporadic and barely there. My cramps have also gone away. What is up with that? The only plus in all this, no PIO shot tonight. The irony, no PIO shot tonight and I think I will miss it.

I stayed home from work today and hibernated in bed. I only answered the phone when the calls were from family. I could just not deal with other people. Both of my children and my hubby are sick. I figure I will face the public tomorrow and go to work until I can get both kids in to see the Dr. Probably just colds but daughter has been running fever on and off for 4 days now. Fortunately I am caught up at work so I can afford to play it loose this week.

I tried to talk to hubby tonight about my feelings about all of this and also about my possible theories as to why this didn't work. He is feeling so sick he just wasn't up for the convo. It hurt my feelings, but I understand that he feels crappy. I just feel alone. I don't want to talk to friends as they just don't understand. My family loves me and is supportive but I think they like most others think I should just accept its not meant to be. I am not ready to do that, I truly feel that I am supposed to be a Mom to one more child. I feel like I am supposed to be pregnant with our child, that hubby is supposed to be a Dad, not just a step-dad. I know its hard for him to see me so sad and let down, but if he thinks that stopping this process will make me stop being sad, he is wrong. I can't and am not ready to let go and move on. I want a baby, our baby.

I guess I will spend my time trying to re-group and re-claim my sanity before we meet with the RE. I want him to believe that he can help us, I need him to believe that he can help us. I need hubby to believe there is hope, the way I believe it.

It sucks....

I started spotting last night, very light pink and very little. I tried not to let it get me down, and went to bed. What else was I going to do at midnight? Woke up cramping like a villain this morning. I was afraid to go to the bathroom for fear of seeing blood. I was surprised when the toilet paper was still snowy white. That all changed in the course of an hour, this time it was scant amount of brown. I re-grouped, sucked it up and went to work, there was nothing else for me to do and my job requires almost no physical effort. Several bathroom breaks and lots of cramping and lower back pain later I called the RE's office. It took several hours for me to hear back only to be told to come in and get a script for a blood pregnancy test. I was told that I would probably not hear back from them until tomorrow....great.... The day at the office ends and I come home to rest and take care of school stuff for kids, and see how daughter is doing, she has been running fever on an off for 2 days. Don't worry she was not alone, 14 yr old big brother was home with her (he's home-schooled) and my office is less than 5 minutes from home, we spoke on the phone no less than 10 times throughout the day. My spotting increased and at this point has turned red. Hubby and I agreed that we should continue the PIO shots until I speak to the RE tomorrow, just in case. We had run out of 22 gauge 1 inch needles so this time we used a 25 gauge 1 inch needle. It worked just fine, less pain and hubby said it was only a tad slower injecting. I cried the whole time before, during and after. Not because of any physical pain, but because my heart is breaking. It sucks so bad, I am crampy and my lower back is killing me, so not only do I have to deal with the emotional aspect of this IVF probably failing, I also have to deal with the physical aspect. My arms are empty, I am sooo sad. I want so bad to hold onto some shred of hope that my blood test could be positive and its just my body being screwy. I just can't find it in me to hold on to hope, it would crush me all the more. If I could change one thing about how we went about this process, I would have only told family and the few people at work that needed to know. I would not have shared it with friends and co-workers. Not because I don't appreciate their concern, but because I just don't have the energy to tell them it failed and I just can't handle all the sympathy, well - intended comments. I just want to crawl in a hole. I hid downstairs in our laundry - room and cried on the floor till hubby found me. Pathetic huh? I just did not want my kids to hear me like that. They will know the truth, but they don't need to see me sobbing and aching. feeling like I have lost a loved one. I knew a negative outcome would hurt, I just didn't expect it to be this painful. I thought I had prepared myself, I thought I had insulated my heart. I guess you can't enter into this type of treatment without allowing hope in too. Now what?

First, I wait for the call in the morning, after I have cried in the tub and cried myself to sleep. Once I get the call, who knows. If by a chance of a miracle it's positive we will be ecstatic and reserved. I would imagine that with my bleeding that it would require a follow - up blood test, and maybe an ultrasound. If its negative which is the most likely case, I may be instructed to go ahead and get another blood draw on Thurs. (my initial scheduled date) just to confirm. Then from there I have no idea. I do have questions so I am hoping that we will have a follow - up visit to discuss details and hopefully figure out what direction we are going to go in. I understand how people could go broke pursuing a positive pregnancy test with a resulting baby. My age may come into play, the RE may not want to treat me anymore. Finances play a role in the decision also, not so much from my aspect, but from hubby's. He is very fiscally responsible and is not interested in accruing massive debt to end up empty handed. He considers the life we have now, what we want for the future and my two existing children. All I see is the elusive baby in my dreams. How do you stop the desire? How do you stop your heart from wanting what it wants?