Taking time

I have been taking some time to try and organize my life. My Sister and I have made peace, I just needed time to be angry and sad for me. On the fertility front not much has been going on. We did our last medicated cycle in February, obviously it did not work. I am at peace with it. Hubby and I have been in contemplation over our next step, I have reached my conclusion and know the direction I want to go. Hubby still needs a little more time. I am trying not to rush him, but I have only so much time to float in the boat with no paddles. I need a direction, either we move forward in our journey to have a child or we stop. I want to continue, my heart still aches as do my arms, but I will respect Hubby's feelings regarding his decision. It will not make or break our marriage.

The reason for the rush is my depression, it is rearing it's head and I only have so much time left before I will need to get back on my meds. I take Elavil and it is not compatible with pregnancy, has been known to cause birth defects and I am not willing to risk it. Unfortunately Elavil is the only medication that helps my depression, nothing and I mean I have tried about everything, nothing else works. So I hold on for a bit longer as Hubby thinks things through and we make a joint decision.

My 42nd Birthday is coming up...UGH!!!!....and my son just turned 16yrs old. I am so proud of him, he is amazing. I find myself missing that sweet snuggley little boy he once was, now he is big enough for me to sit on his lap...:) Before I know it my dear sweet daughter will be all grown up too.

Happy 16th Birthday M!

It HAS to happen

Not much to write about lately. Well, that is not exactly true. I am now no longer employed...and I love it. Hubby and I worked together for an independently owned and operated company, a large corporation purchased us and unfortunately for me they do not allow family members to be employed based at the same location. Poor Hubby, he was the one who had to inform me. I handled it well at first, then I was sad, then angry, and now...I am loving it.

It is amazing how much you can done at home when you don't work outside the home. Our house is sooo clean. Crazy thing has happened...I have begun to cook again. Sounds crazy that I didn't cook, well, we are always on the go and with Hubby working together it was next to impossible to prepare a meal during the week. Eating out afforded us the opportunity to eat together as a family. M & R are loving eating at home and R loves to help in the kitchen, sometimes she says she wants to be a chef.

My stress level is much lower, amazing considering the financial state of our country. Fortunately, Hubby never factored my income into our family budget, everything is based solely on his income. For now I will enjoy the freedom to run my house and spend time with the kids like I have always wanted. My whole family has stated they would prefer me not work, they like me better this way. Back to the lower stress level, after the failed cycle my next period started 12 days after the initial one. Had a visit with the RE and he said that the abrupt stop of the Lupron screwed up my cycle and the bottom fell out....literally. It has been forever since I had a period that severe. The RE asked me to wait for another cycle before we start the med. process again, in the meantime we used this cycle to try on our own. A girl has to have her hopes and dreams, who knows, less stress may mean success.

My desire to have a child with my hubby has not diminished with time, in fact as I age I feel the tug at my heart increasing. I live with the thoughts that "It just HAS to happen".

Today....or yesterday because its tomorrow already

Was today better? Not really, I spent the day snuggled deep under my new fluffy bedding. I avoided the world for as long as I could. The BIL called this morning to see if we wanted to go to the beach....I just couldn't do it. I am not ready to put on a happy face for my sister and my period as reached epic proportions ( I am cramping like a villain and bleeding like a slit pig). I know you really appreciate the visual right. By 1pm I was starving so it became imperative that I extricate myself from the covers and get dressed and venture out for food. The hubby and M & R and I all went to Applebee's for lunch, nothing special but the Asian Chix salad I had hit the spot. We had to pick up crickets for M's gecko and then headed to Target for hubby's meds and I bought a 5 pack of underwear....you can never have too many pairs of cotton bikini underdrawers. By this point my uterus was falling out so hubby took R & I home and he and M went grocery shopping. (Yeah for the good guys in my life!)
E my niece (preg. sister's daughter) invited R to spend the night. No problem, they have such a great time together, Sis and her family came to pick R up, I was trying to rest at this point so I did not show my face (call me chicken, I don't care). I am just not at an accepting place as far as her pregnancy goes, I've only had 24 hrs to process this.
M was invited to the movies with his best friend and his Father. So hubby and I ordered pizza and ate in.
I spent the better part of the evening helping M install his video camera on his laptop and just generally hanging out. I am trying to focus on the blessings in my life....how many other Mother's of teen son's are actually welcome to hang out with their son's in their rooms? My kids talk to me, not about random bull, but about real stuff. About relationships, friendships, their changing bodies, nothing is off limits. We love each other and we say it and show it. Hubby is the same, he is my very best friend, we can talk about everything.
I cried as I soaked in the tub tonight, while I read a magazine and ate cherry licorice. I cried for the loss of a baby this month. I cried because I am sad and envious of my sister. Why is it easier for me to be happy for all the ladies I read here on the Internet who have success than for my own sister? I told my hubby it feels like their was this unspoken rule in our family, that it was my turn to get pregnant, and I feel like my sister broke that rule. It sounds stupid I know, but emotions are not always rational. I have not felt this down since our failed IVF, even the surgery in June to remove my right tube was not this depressing. It feels like every time I get knocked over it is getting harder and harder to re-group and get up. I am having an extremely difficult time finding my optimistic side at this point. I dread everything that requires communication with the world outside my immediate family and my house.

I am sooo NOT HAPPY!!!

I have had a horrid weekend. In chronological order

Friday 08-08-08 - Wake up to the downstairs toilet reservoir tank with a huge crack in it and our floors flooded. Hardwood floors - soaked, closet with photo albums - soaked, garage - flooded like a swimming pool. Hours of cleanup, calls to homeowners insurance, visit by adjuster, visit by clean - up crew, 10 huge fans, dehumidifiers and special bubble wrap looking mats with hoses scattered throughout house, baseboards ripped out. House in massive disarray.

Saturday 08-09-08 - Hubby runs to work to shoot of a quick email that he was unable to send the day before because of above problem. Get a call from Hubby - his computer crashed. He took it to a shop - hundreds of dollars later new computer with Hubby's info salvaged and transferred. Afternoon rolls around and daughter's laptop is infected with a virus, I can't fix ( desktop computer had virus last week, I fixed) take to same shop Hubby just left and find out virus is the same the desktop had, but it hid itself in the background. Computer has to be cleaned and restored to factory settings, losing all her info, she'll survive.

Continuing Saturday afternoon, my period was 4 days late...I stupidly got my hopes up. I mean I had a tubal removal surgery in June, I'm 41 yrs old, I was an idiot for thinking it could happen. Several hours of pain later ( I have adenomyosis) my sister calls. She says she has upsetting news to tell me. She is pregnant with her 5th child......I love her but WTF!!! Please understand I need to vent. So here goes...Brother - in - law was supposed to get a vasectomy 2 kids ago, but they said they couldn't afford the co-pay ( cause babies are cheaper right!) They have been fighting like mad for about 6 months, both threatening divorce (it's been very ugly). She has been smoking like a fiend because of marital probs. and drinking more than usual (every night when the kids go to bed). Tells me that they only had sex once in the past 3 months ( is that supposed to make me feel better?) They struggle financially because neither are fiscally responsible, they struggle as parents because they do not parent as a team and are not consistent. I sound bitter and angry...I am. I cried on the phone, I couldn't help it. She didn't want to make the call, but my Mom told her she had to do it sooner than later or I would be more hurt if I found out from someone else. She felt bad for me, I understand, but it didn't make me feel better. I told her I didn't know what to say except that I would come to terms but right now I was sad for me. I thanked her for telling me and that I was not mad at her, but that I needed to get off the phone.
I cried and cried and my head hurt and them I cried more. Hubby felt horrible for me, M & R felt horrible for me. Hubby felt horrible for himself. I told M & R that I needed them to know that my desire for another child was not because they weren't enough but because Hubby & I wanted one together. M gently reminded me that they weren't stupid, and that Hubby was a Dad to them even if there was no blood connection. I am blessed with such wonderful supportive kids, that makes it worse because I want another one that I know will be just as amazing. We are supposed to go to the beach with my sister and her family on Sunday.....I just don't know if I can handle it, plus my period is like the Apocalypse of all periods.

This sucks!!!

Weekend over

I hate the end of a weekend. It feels like you just get comfortable and in a groove and *poof* it's back to the grind of the week. The grind of the week seems to get to me more lately, could be for a myriad of reasons. So how was the last day of my weekend? Let me begin by saying I love my new sheets and bedding, I slept so comfy cozy I hated waking up. The dread of waking could be partly due to the unexplained scratchy throat that accompanied waking. I was fine when I went to sleep, please God do not let this be a re-run of my bout with strep about 6 weeks ago. The kids came home from time with their Father. R was tired and wanted to hang at home while hubby did laundry, M and I headed to Target to pick up some new pillows for him and some new ones for our new shams. It was nice to have a little time together alone, it's few and far between now that he has a girlfriend. By the time we got home an hour later I felt like I was melting. My throat was worse, my eyeballs were warm and my bones ached. I took some Ibuprofen and power napped on the couch for about 30mins. Got up and headed to Olive Garden to meet M's girlfriend and her parent's for dinner. They are great people and we really enjoy their friendship. Dinner was fun and then we headed home. I showered early, took some meds. and got in bed. I should have been asleep long ago but you know how that goes.

Oooo...I pulled out 2 more spitting stitches tonight, the last belly button one and a lower ab one. Only one left, in my center lower ab, I give it a few more days.

A great day

My children are with their Father this weekend. He came in town to visit before school starts. Every year for the past 8 some odd years I have paid for all school clothes and he has helped with some of the school supplies. Yesterday he offered to pay for all school clothes and said I could get the supplies this year. I am grateful as the clothes are more expensive. I have never sought an increase in support even though I am entitled and he makes considerably more money than I do, I'm only a tad bitter at this point so it means all the more that he stepped up this year.

So why was today a great day? Well, hubby let me sleep in for a bit then we got up and went out and grabbed a quick breakfast at Starbucks and we were off to shop for us. I am so excited, we bought 2 new sets of sheets and a new comforter set for our bed. I love them they are beautiful and soft and comfy. At the linen store we bought new towels, we all like big towels and we got hand towels and wash cloths to match, pretty cool. They are nice and fluffy and super absorbent.

Then we headed to the mall for some wandering. I picked up a Batman shirt for M and a Twilight shirt for R. I found 2 amazing pairs of jeans that fit perfectly (we all know how rare that can be). We ate lunch at Starbucks ( broccoli & cheese strata for me and artichoke & spinach for hubby). I needed a new bottle of my perfume (Chanel Chance) can't live without the stuff. Then we headed over to Best Buy, we needed an external hard-drive to transfer some things to from our work computers. I have quite a large collection of pictures and some personal documents I want to keep when the company sells. We picked up a few movies and then headed to the Lowes. Hubby got a work bench type thing and some pad things to put on the legs of R's bed. Then we hit the next mall. We wandered (got our exercise) and then hit Target to pick-up my Dr. Pepper and some bath gel for M. By this point we were both exhausted so we headed home, took the dog out and we both laid down and snuggled up for a very long nap. Woke up and talked to the kids for a few and then headed to Waffle House for a late dinner. HAHA...sounds fancy huh. Actually the food was really good, it's near our house and it's open late. We ran to Walmart to pick up a new mattress pad for our bed as ours was ugh, came home made up the bed took showers and settled in for the night. The best part of the day - spending time together, alone, very rare for us and a blessed opportunity.

On the fertility front we are still in a holding pattern. I am supposed to call the Dr. when I have my next cycle which should show up in about 4 - 6 days. We had unprotected sex around ovulation time in spite of what the Dr. ordered. Why risk it? Uh....I am 41 yrs old, I have 1 fallopian tube, and almost 2 years of injectible fertility treatments have left me with an empty uterus. I figured, fat chance we will conceive so why not throw caution to the wind. I did buy some new vitamins from the GNC store. They are supposed to help women's fertility health. You are supposed to take 3 a day, I am working my way up, started with 1 a day, now at 2. Figured it would be best to make sure I had no reactions to the meds. They have additional herbal supplements, no problems so far but it is supposed to take 3 months to notice a difference. Whatever. We saw the cutest toddler girl in the mall today, I wanted her, but hubby pointed out she was holding her Mom's hand and he didn't think that her Mom would give her to us. Oh well, I guess we keep waiting and try on our own until we get the ok to start injectibles again with timed intercourse. I almost forgot, I was able to pull out 1 of my 2 spitting belly button stitches and then a few minutes ago I pulled out 1 of 3 spitting ab stitches. I was soo excited. As of tonight I am still having the phantom fallopian tube pain, it seems less, hopefully it is still healing pain.

Photo: R after ballet camp with the Hermitage Ballet....isn't she lovely.

Follow up

Well, my pain continued to increase everyday all day & night. I decided enough was enough and called the RE on last Fri. We determined it wasn't an emergency so I was prescribed some good pain meds and scheduled an appt. for this past Monday. In the meantime we had a fabulous weekend.

Friday night started out with dinner at a great Moroccan restaurant. They have live belly dancing....LOL...as opposed to dead ones. Saturday was the morning and afternoon spent at the water park with daughter, and some friends. Saturday night was when the real fun began....my sister and I took our two crazy girls to see WWE. Yep, we went to wrestling, the girls are totally into it, don't ask why, we have no clue. We had so much fun, it was not something I would have ever considered doing. It wasn't crazy like I thought it would be, by that I mean the fans. We were in the 10th row from the ring and were surrounded by super nice people. Sunday was a lazy day and then on to the beach to drop son off for a sleepover at a friend's beach-house.

My appt. on Monday went fine. First off my period started on Sat. afternoon, that explained the build up of pain. The RE checked on my incisions, assuring me that my spitting stitches would resolved themselves, but in the meantime looked good. He palpated my abdomen and performed a vag. ultra-sound. Everything looked and felt normal. He thinks my pain is still most likely pain from healing, having my period so soon after surgery probably irritated my uterus. His other opinion is subjective. He thinks it could possibly be my adenomyosis, he cannot be sure he got it all when he removed the SIN because of the way it infiltrates the uterus, he tried but he cannot be 100% sure. He said it will honestly take another 2 months to get the final results on my pain. He gave me several options to deal with the pain - #1 - Stop my periods all together for the next few months to give my body a chance to heal. The only ways to do that would be oral contraceptives, Depo - Provera shots, Depo - Lupron shots, or the patch. None of these sound appetizing for a variety of reasons, but the main reason is why would I want to stop myself from getting pregnant when I really want to get pregnant. He still wants me to call him when I have my 3rd period so we can start super - ovulation if I still want to. #2 - option is to suck it up and take it on the chin and take OTC pain meds and some prescrips. to help as needed. #3 - option and my absolute least fave - hysterectomy. I have decided to go with #2. I need to keep my body free of any extra hormones at this time so that I can get it as healthy and ready for conception as possible in the next 2 months. This is an abbreviated version of the whole visit, but it gets the point across. I am ready for this period to be done so the pain will lessen and move on to counting down the days till the next period. Pretty sad huh...counting the days till I bleed again so I can do it all again one month later, to then count the days when I can try to get pregnant and not have to count the days till I bleed.

Random pic:

Ghosty girls swinging in my backyard

It's gone...again...kids mentioned

The pain is gone again... just like that. I mean I have residual pain from my surgery, healing pain but the ovarian cyst pain is gone...poof!!! Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, last night was a doozy, I took percocet and hydro-codone with a side of fenergen for nausea and I got nothing...no relief until early this morning. It was a weird popping sensation, I could really feel it, it hurt and then I was fine a few hours later. Did it burst, release, fizzle out like a balloon when it deflates? I have no clue and at this point I really don't care. I made it into work, and was able to accomplish everything that needed to get done for the day.



Completely off the subject....I have mentioned before that my children dance. Last week was a summer intensive ballet camp. 9am till 3:30pm Monday thru Friday. The studio my kids go to was lucky to have a guest Choreographer, the Director of the Columbia Classical Ballet out of Columbia, SC. It was awesome and the kids had a great time and learned so much. I say all this to tell you it was my daughter's first week wearing pointe shoes. Most of the kids were high school age, but there were a few younger ones like herself, including two boys. The instructor worked on basic partnering technique with the younger ones while the older kids did more advanced stuff. Insert a funny here....One of the little boys, a year younger than my daughter told him Mom he liked partnering with R (my daughter) the best. She told him that was nice but asked him why. His response..."Because R is firm"...his Mom tried not to laugh and asked what he meant. He said the other girl was squishy in the middle and it made his finger's sink in, where as R is firm in the middle and his finger's don't sink. He was dead serious so his Mom stifled her laughter till later. We had a good giggle over this one. When I told my son about his he said it actually made sense, girls that have strong "centers" have firm middles and they are easier to partner. You learn something new every day....but then again it shows that the male species prefers the female species with a firm middle from a very early age...LOL



Back to infertility....can it be any crueler that I am or did ovulate and was very aware of it but must avoid using that ovulation to get pregnant at all costs. I seriously thought about ignoring the RE and trying to convince hubby to give it try, but I decided an exploding uterus was not a chance I wanted to take. Quite a few of the blogs I lurk have had recent success and I am soo happy as their paths have been much longer and harder than mine. I am trying to use this as inspiration of good things to come instead of envy. I don't want to be bitter, except when it comes to teenage girls having babies and parent's that take their baby to the Walmart in nothing but a diaper and let them walk around barefoot...when I see these things I reserve the right to feel envy and bitterness and the desire to knock them out.



Today's random photo:


Niece on left, daughter on right.....super bowling queens

Surgery continued

Ok, so I left off with me undergoing surgery. (Insert elevator music here) Time passed and Walaaa...I am in recovery. It's mostly a blurr but I do have some memories, I remember my nurse checking on me, asking me how I felt, putting a nasal canal up my nose (those pronged nose thingys) to increase my O2 intake. She encouraged me to take periodic deep breaths to help me wake up and get the anesthesia out of my system, I received IV pain meds (love them) and she took my leads (sticky round things for monitoring) off my chest. In the middle of all this I keep hearing murmurs of talk regarding a bad storm and tornadoes. Huh...tornadoes, I then strained my ears to hear a torrent of rain in the background and realize from chatter that the hospital has lost power and is on generator power at this point...must be why I was so warm. I try asking my nurse about the storm and she confirms this and removes one of my blankets at my request. In my groggy state I grow concerned for my kids, they are at home and this storm is bad based on what I am hearing....a tornado touched down about 5 miles from the hospital. My kids are 15 yrs & 10 yrs with a 14 yr old nephew and 11 yr old niece also at home, so they are ok on their own, yet my motherly concern was in gear. My nurse tries to calm me and tells me that they will be moving me to my room soon. My IV meds were kicking in by this point and I am like...ok whatever. I had no idea what time it was, and from this point on I was in and out. Next thing I know the nurse is telling me we are going to my room, huh...my room, this was a day surgery procedure I am supposed to go home. Nope, she tells me that the Dr. wants to keep my overnight to monitor me for bleeding (more on this later). Fine with me, more IV meds...LOL

I get to my room about 5pm and get situated and get more meds and then hubby shows up, he had already checked in while I was in recovery (I have no memory of this) and then he went home to check on the kids because of the storm. Fortunately all was well, just a little nerves on the two younger ones part. I ask hubby to explain why I am staying overnight and he gives me the lowdown. The surgery went well, Dr. was able to do it completely by scope. He went in thru my belly - button and 3 small incisions right above my pubic area. Let me explain a little about my SIN (salpingitis isthmicus nodusa) - it caused diverticulitis where my tube enters the uterus (the cornua), it also grew into the lining somewhat. Unlike a fibroid that has defined borders the SIN is more like grass sod, it grows into the lining and it is difficult to find a plane to excise on. My Dr. made an educated decision to cut a little past the edge of the SIN nodule and ended up cutting 4cm into the 7cm depth of my uterus without entering the uterine cavity. He then layered my uterus to get good closure added some meds to the actual uterine incision area and decided that he did not want to risk sending me home in case of hemorrhaging. I wise decision I think. I was extremely sore and very tired and slept for most of hubby's stay. My best friend stopped by, I slept through that and then my son, his girlfriend and my nephew stopped by after dinner and brought me the most beautiful orange and yellow Gerber daisies. My daughter called me to check on me, she decided to spend the night at my sister's with my niece (she is not a hospital fan, hence the call instead of a visit). After everyone else left hubby stayed to help me to the bathroom to pee....not fun, my bladder was numb, it took forever and I cried. Hubby and the nurse tried to get me to eat .... tip...a regular diet is not recommended several hours after surgery. It made me nauseous just smelling it and 2 small bites made me spit...I had to rinse my mouth out and use the little hospital spit tray they give you...food was not my friend at this point...I cried again. Hubby sat with me and held my hand and then I shooed him home, I had a comfy hospital bed, a great nurse, wonderful meds and he needed sleep. About 10pm my nurse was kind enough to bring me some soup and I was able to eat about half of it. My night was pretty uneventful, I was able to get up and to the bathroom by myself, slowly dragging my IV pole with me. I hate asking for help. They kept my meds coming on schedule so my pain was manageable and I was able to sleep in between. I was lucky they didn't bother me too much during the night.

I woke early the next morning due to a blood draw to make sure all my levels were good with no internal bleeding. Ate a little breakfast and slept some more. After getting a good check to make sure all was as it should be I was discharged about noon. Hubby took me home and got me settled with my bedside table stocked with fresh water and meds, my cell phones and the remote for the TV. Hubby really had to go to the office, its only 5 minutes from the house, but my son was there and he checked on me hourly and even helped me up to go pee. Getting out of my bed at home was much more work than the one at the hospital even with all the pillows propping me up. My stomach was sooooo sore and my stomach muscles (little that I have) were just not willing to assist in my attempts to get in and out of bed without assistance. That's what big strong 6'1", 15 yr old sons are for. To help their old, sore, recovering Mom's get up to pee.

So as far as surgery goes that's it in a boring 2 part nutshell. Everything went well with no complications. My uterus was preserved for hopeful future use. Pain is mostly mild to moderate depending on my med level and exertion, which is minimal at best. Next up, recovery and my post - op appointment with the RE to get the skinny on my surgery, the pathology report on my tube and our future in conception.

Stressed to the max

Or should I say strep-ed to the max. Last Friday night the kids and I met some friends for Concert in the park, featuring The Veronica's, Kate Vogele and Natasha Bedingfield. We had a blast, it was the first concert for both of my kids. We will definitely make it a habit though. I felt great that night when I went to bed.......BAM woke up Sat. morning with a horrible sore throat and achy all over. Took Ibuprofen and Tylenol for the pain and sipped soup and slept the day away. Wake up Sunday and repeat, only this time feeling worse, could barely swallow and my throat looked like I was a reject from the sword swallowing act in the circus. I was so miserable that I barely slept Sun. night. My Mom came and took me to my Dr. as my hubby had to get R to school and he had to open the office since I was otherwise engaged.

My Primary Dr. was out so I had a sub, yep, it was like having a bad sub in school. He had no clue. They swabbed and took blood and told me my throat looked unremarkable......WTF, unremarkable for a Jackson Pollack maybe. He sent me on my way with the diagnosis of a possible virus and either "you will get better or worse". UH...Thanks!!! So I just begged my Mom to take me home, she hooked me up with water and OTC meds for pain and left me to try and sleep. Luckily since I homeschool M and he is 15 he was helpful. Fast forward through a miserable day .......3am I beg hubby to take me to the ER as I had begun to vomit (pretty huh). Thank God....the ER was empty and they got me back right away. They swabbed, took blood and got me started on IV fluids with some Toradol for pain and Fenegren for nausea. Didn't really help so we upped it to Morphine and Zofran for same. This time so relief, love me some Morphine. About this time test results start coming back, I have raging Strep Throat and its has progressed to my blood. Not good, but good that I came in. (Thanks Dr. from earlier in the day) They started me on IV antibiotics, Clindamycin as I am allergic to Amoxil and Sulfa drugs, and was also given a 2nd bag of fluids. We left about 7:30am with me feeling nice and drugged up and hydrated. OH....did I mention that my period also started on Sat.? Makes things even more fun, kinda like a bad carnival ride. I was able to sleep for the rest of the day and my prescription pain meds kept me mostly unconscious, just like I like it.

Tues. night not so good, I felt worse, reason being, my throat was so messed up I just could not swallow enough fluids to keep me hydrated, so off to the ER we go for another bag of fluids, some more nausea meds and then back home to sleep. Finally I was able to rest, take fluids orally on Wed. and had two full days of antibiotics in me.

Thurs. was my best day so far, I was actually able to eat solids and drink. My pain is down and I just feel really weak at this point.

To add to the stress of all this....this was M's exam week, normally I handle all of his schooling but hubby stepped in and took over for me. I am so blessed and the two of them managed to suck it up and get things done. Poor R, this is the week before recital and a girl needs her Mom to help her with hair and make-up for pictures. Luckily hubby stepped up and made sure both kids were taken care of. Some of the other Mom's helped R with her hair and make-up and she was ok with that. Usually I am on top of all this recital stuff so I feel kind of lost right now. Tomorrow is dress rehearsal so I am sure I will catch up on the details then. In the meantime M and I have to run errands tomorrow and pick up new ballet shoes, tights and last minute hair stuff. I think I am up for it, but I know I will be wiped out by tomorrow night. Not to mention my Ex, M & R's Dad is coming in town. It's great for them, but he never makes things easier for me, just more to juggle.

Now here it is, I am exhausted but I have slept so much this week that I can't sleep now. My noisy brain is in overdrive.

Random pic:

Bowling alley fun with M & R

Summer vacation...hurry up...(kids mentioned)

I cannot wait for school to be over for this school year. Both of my kids are sooo over school. M - is doing 2 days worth of work 3 times a week so he can be done sooner. Since he is homeschooled we have that flexibility. R - is dragging, unfortunately she does not have the same luxury as M. She attends a Montessori school so we are subjected to their schedule and that means she has school until June 13th. What happened to the days of summer, back in the day summer vacation was June thru August with everyone going back right after Labor day. Summer should be a full 3 months, at least in my opinion.

I have managed to manage my stress without having to resort to meds. If you knew me, you would realize that is nothing shy of a miracle. But this weekend begins the real stress. I am the parent of 2 dancers and recital is June 7th. My kids will be in approximately 10 dances each, just a guesstimate as M dances more than R due to his being homeschooled. That is 20 costumes total. Do you have any idea how expensive dance costumes are? Unlimited dance classes? All types of dance shoes, ballet, tap, jazz, etc. Recital is the culmination of a years worth of blood sweat and tears, and not just for the kids. I am a basket case by the time the recital curtains go up. Don't get me wrong...I love it and so do the kids. It wouldn't be worth the time and money if they didn't. I am just soooo worn out by this time of year. I have to organize all the costumes & accessories , putting them in performance order for quick changes. I have to make sure both kids have new tights, and that their shoes are in good shape (no dirty ballet shoes on stage). I have to make sure I have all hair and make-up stuff together for both kids, yep, even M has to wear make-up on stage otherwise he would be washed out. It's always amazing and I am always so proud but then the clean-up begins, making sure everything is accounted for after the show, all pieces and parts gathered and then costumes cleaned and made ready for storage. Why keep the costumes when it's over? Considering we spend several thousand $ a year on costumes and sometimes parts of them can be re-used or mixed & matched with a new costume, well it's worth the hassle of storage.

New random pic of kids in one of last years recital costumes.

Memorial Day ....Thank You

A big Thank You to all the veterans and active duty military personnel!! My husband is retired Army and served for almost 25 yrs. I feel blessed that he loves his country enough that he dedicated such a large portion of his life to serving our country. We had a special family day today, started with church and then lunch (a little rocky) and then fun at the pool with family. I now have a few funky tan lines from not rotating enough while at the pool..LOL

Fertility related thoughts were bouncing in my head today. I so badly want to share the joy of pregnancy and raising a child with my husband, but. Yep, but...my sister-in-law came to the pool with my 2 nephews today, a 2 1/2 yr old and a 9 month old. Wonderful, sweet, amazing boys, I love them sooo much, but I really watched how much work it was for her. She had to bring so much stuff with her, swim diapers, floats, water-wings, snacks, regular diapers, bottles, etc. Then I realized that she can't just get in the water to cool off when she wants, she can't lay out on the chair and read or relax. For me to go to the pool with my kids, we take the normal essentials (towels, sunscreen, water and snacks) after those items my kids choose what pool fun they want to bring. Everyone carries their own stuff. My kids both swim, and swim very well ( R-she's 10 1/2 and M-he's 15) I can get in and out of the pool at my whim, I don't have to entertain as they usually hook up with friends, I can read and relax without having to watch them like a hawk (I don't sleep, I look up and and listen out for their voices). I realized that I might not want to give up that luxury, sounds petty, but there are other things too. I can sleep in, I have help with household chores. My kids can stay home together without an adult when hubby and I go on the occasional date. My kids can fix their own food if necessary (sandwiches, soup, etc) Everyday that goes by that I am not pregnant and getting older I realize I have it sooo good, and do I really want to mess with that. It sounds flaky, but I guess it's normal to be wishy-washy when dealing with infertility and all the emotional crap that it involves. I know I would never regret having another child, I would love a new child as much as I love my existing children, and it's a real possibility I might regret not continuing to try to have another child. It all just messes with your head, and for sure my brain is tired and I am sick and tired of feeling physically and mentally crappy from either the hormones or the disappointment that goes with infertility. I just wish it were easier and more clear-cut.

Random picture for today:

A picture of my son with the Batman brownies I made.....he still wants to grow up to be Batman...LOL

Busy

Today was busy. My lovely daughter woke up complaining of a headache and a stiff neck. I assumed the stiff neck was from sleeping on it funny and the headache was from the morning congestion, thinking back now, who wakes up with a headache, I should have paid better attention. Hubby took her to school as it was my turn to open the office. I sent her off with instructions to call me if it didn't get better. 30 minutes after she arrived at school the nurse called to let me know that she had a fever so off I went to pick her up. We were slightly concerned (stiff neck, fever and headache can mean meningitis) but after running through a few observations we determined that she probably just has a viral bug. I brought her home and gave her Motrin and Benedryl and she took a bath and went to sleep. My son stayed home with her while I went back to work for a little while. ( My office is literally 3 minutes from my house and son is 15 yrs old so I felt comfortable leaving) I brought the kids lunch and daughter got up, ate a bit and took more Motrin and went back to bed.

I made the decision to cook for dinner tonight. A miracle...last time I cooked was Feb 14, 2007, I hate cooking. Before going home I trekked to the store and bought groceries, it was foreign....I also hate grocery shopping. Arrived home to daughter still sleeping and son caught a ride to dance. The amazing thing about coming home early is the ability to get things done around the house. I really wanted to nap but knew if I laid down that would be it, I would crash. Instead I did laundry and prepared brownies with powered sugar Batman emblems on them...very cool! Daughter got up, took more Motrin and went back to sleep again, I made sure she was drinking so as to stay hydrated. I cooked and it was awesome, I can cook, I just choose not too. Daughter (R) ate chicken noodle soup after taking her 2nd bath of the day. She said the baths helped her aches in her bones. She was still running fever but seemed to be feeling a little better, I'm sure the sleep helped. She will stay home with Son (M) in the morning while I go into the office till noon and then we will take him to homeschool dance and she and I will come home and chill for the rest of the day. I think we will cook something for dinner together if she feels up to it, she loves to cook.

In the midst of all this we had someone call out sick today at work which is why I had to go back in after picking R up from school. Normally it wouldn't be a problem but we had visitors in the office today and that required a full staff.

For the past week I have been waking up with my hands and feet slightly swollen, usually this only happens right before my period and it subsides once I am up and moving. I am no where near starting my period and it never lasts more than a day or two, and its lasting all day. Weird. My hormones are probably so mixed up. I still want a baby, one baby, all these shows on TV about multiples and having 2 little ones visit have convinced me I am too old for more than one...LOL Sometimes I see myself pregnant again so clearly, it comes out of the blue, and other times it feels like it will never happen. I can see it in my mind and I feel it in my heart, my heart aches to love another child, to create a child with my husband. This weekend with visiting little ones brought home to me how wonderful my husband is with other children and I can only imagine how amazing he would be with ours. I so want to share that with him.





Niece E & R with C (little visitor) swinging in our backyard

It's the little things

Today the little things made me happy. I did not go to work today, my head was still hurting and my dear wonderful hubby, who is also my boss was completely ok with that. I would like to think that he got it and understood that this huge knot and cut on the side of my head was not a joke. So I was able to sleep more as I did not sleep well during the night due to my head hurting. When I did get up I watched a little tv and cleaned both the master and hall bathroom upstairs. It took me about twice as long as it normally would but I just wasn't up to pushing myself with this headache. I was able to watch some more tv before it was time to pick the kids up from dance. We then met my Mom and hubby and my best friend for dinner. Hubby has been especially attentive since last night. We had a blow-out after my injury. It's been a longtime coming as we have not been on the same page for a few weeks. I swear I have tried but he has been so wrapped up in work issues (yes, I understand and I have been supportive)but he has been distant. After our blow-out which involved me screaming and crying and telling him I don't feel important (I cited examples), the light clicked and he seems to have gotten it. I don't expect perfection, nor do I expect to always be the center of his universe, but I do need to feel that there are times when I will come first. I felt that my head wound counted as an instance of importance.



The kids are busy with dance, recital is coming up soon and they both take performing seriously. Lovely daughter's pointe shoes were ordered today and they should be in by Wed. She is soooo excited and she is soooo ready. This week is also CRCT testing for the county for her grade and several others and she gets a little nervous as doing well is important to her. Son is counting down the days till school is over for him. Even though I homeschool him I keep his schedule in sync with daughter's as it it makes holidays easier. 10th grade next year, I cannot believe how quickly he has grown up.



Another random photo for today....




This is from a dance competition about 5 years ago, which would make daughter 5 yrs and son 10 yrs. They were sooo cute and little then.