Happy Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day, it's been a good day, but it could have been better. Why do I let that sneak in? I have two amazing children and a wonderful husband and I was able to spend Valentine's Day with all of them. I am grateful, I just feel an emptiness. We have a friend who is pregnant and scheduled for a c-section next Wed., Feb 20th the same day as my RE follow - up appt. I am happy for her and her family, I really am. I told her about my appt. and she said may this is an omen, sign, etc, her having a baby on the same day. Maybe it will be a positive appt. and I might get answers, at least the ones I need and want. I watched my beautiful daughter rub her belly and talk to the baby. She is excited for her friend to be a big sister. I see how much she loves babies and how bad she wants to be a big sister. She would be so amazing, she is so nurturing. I want her to have the opportunity to be a big sister and it makes me sad that I can't control that. I didn't cry last night, it was a first. The pain in my right side is still there and actually it was worse today. Plus I had what felt like period cramps, but the bleeding stopped 2 days ago. It makes no sense. There has got to be a reason that this pain will no go away, I feel its my sign. I have felt only the tad bit hopeful today, which is better than the hopelessness that I have felt for the past week. A small improvement, but I will take it.
My son will be 15 yrs old next month, he is counting down the days till his Birthday as it will mean a Learner's Permit for him. He is so excited. I am counting down the days till me RE appt. Am I a crazy person for trying for a child at 40 with an almost 15 yr old and a 10 yr old. I will be 41 in April, I thought for sure that 2007 was going to be our year, the year we added a baby to our family. I never imagined that it would take this long and be this difficult and heart wrenching. I was so naive and I am trying so hard to keep my bubble from being busted. I need that bubble to keep my hope afloat.