Sucks

My life is sucky right now. I ended up being 7 days late with my cycle....made the mistake of getting my hopes up. Repeated HPT's came back negative, called RE, went in for blood work on Tues. Blood work negative, said I hadn't even ovulated yet.......WTF!!! I was on cycle day 34 how is that possible. RE said I was going to "O" soon. Bought OPK kit trying to find the silver lining in all this. Started bleeding that night...cruel joke!!! Called RE in the morning, he decided I had a dysfunctional uterus at this point. Prescribed Prometrium, once a day for 10 days to force my cycle so we could get this show on the road. I made it clear I did not have time to waste. Started the med Wed. night, had cramps everywhere but my uterus on Thurs. Bleeding is still only slight. Feeling extra emotional and weepy this past week, very discouraged. Wait!!! It gets better, my Brother-in-law, the one married to my Sister that has 4 kids and had an"accidental" pregnancy this past Aug 2008 (ended in early miscarriage), he called and left me message telling me that they are pregnant again. WTF!!!!! She is too chicken to tell me herself so he does it in a voicemail. He said that they know it has been rough for me and hubby not conceiving after everything we have been through but that I need to be happy for them....WTF!!!!? I am even more devastated that ever. I did not call back but spoke to my Mom, she and my other Sister have known for a week. I feel so disrespected, sad and very angry at this point. I do NOT have to be happy for them, I am NOT happy for them. They cannot afford another child, their financial status is shaky at best. I was informed that her pregnancy was an accident..........again..........my ass!!! I am so hurt and I have sooo much anger right now. My niece is having her Birthday party this weekend, I do not want to be around them, but she and my daughter are the same age and very close. My Sister is 38yrs old, smokes and drinks, I have done every right .... how come it happens for her and not me....especially now....what do I do? My family keeps asking me if all the heartache is worth it for me, yet they are all happy for her. How do I explain how important this is to us? I feel so alone at this point. I deal with secondary infertility, it is horrible and sad. How do people that have never had a child do this? How do you know when you must let go and stop everything? How do I let go of my deep, painful desire for another child? Our options are very limited, adoption is not one, with hubby's 2 previous divorces and my one, no one would give us a baby. I am not ready to give up on my eggs and move onto donor eggs. How do you reconcile using donor eggs if you still believe in your own eggs and you already have children that are genetically yours?

My depression is rearing it's ugly head, I am drowning in sadness. I just want 1 healthy baby, one that is "ours". Is that so bad?

It's over

Today was the day, its over. My period officially started today, in fact it woke me up. Actually the pain woke me up, I tried to ignore it but it was a no go. So now the flood has begun, you would think that a girl could get a break and get a painless period after all the crap I've had to go through. So the grieving process continues and I have decided I like this whole hibernation thing. I tried not to get my hopes up when my period didn't start right away, but i couldn't help it. My heart wanted that blood test to have been to early to get a positive result. I wanted to call the RE Monday morning and tell them they were wrong. It feels like a loss all over again.
Once I saw the picture of those three embryos, our embryos, future babies, I was attached. As my son said, I was pregnant in a petri-dish. When the RE transferred those three embryos into my uterus, in my heart I became pregnant at that moment, and I felt pregnant in my heart until the bleeding. It feels like I have lost my babies. I am in no way comparing it to women that have lost babies later in pregnancy, I have actually had more than one miscarriage. But in my heart they were my babies and now they are gone, never to be. I want so badly to have a do over, a mulligan. I want to try IVF again, although it would be even better to be able to conceive naturally. I am so afraid the RE will decide I am too old, but I know there are many woman out there older than me that are able to conceive with IVF and sometimes on their own. I am sure he has patients older than me with less ovarian reserve. I truly believe he can help us. I just hope hubby believes it, he would probably be ready to move on. Not because he doesn't want a baby, he does, he just doesn't like to see me so sad, plus he came to the decision that he wanted to be a Father later in life and had accepted life without biological children. I on the other hand always wanted more children, my circumstances as a single parent just got in the way of that. Finances will definitely pay a part in whether we move forward with IVF again. It would be cool if we could get a break in that dept. I think back on a past appt. with the RE. It was a few days after I started on the Ganirelix. We went for an appt./ultra-sound, the RE asked how I was and I told him I didn't like the Ganirelix. As he performed the ultra-sound he said the Ganirelix did not like me either. I asked him what that meant and what we were going to do. He said something about it slowing me down too much, but that we had to continue the Ganirelix as we could not stop it. I was under the impression that stopping the Ganirelix and trying another med. was not an option as it might screw up this cycle. I wonder if the Ganirelix inhibited me from producing more follicles and thus more eggs. I will have to ask him about it, it may bode well that he may be willing to treat me with a different protocol, and who knows maybe it will be cheaper.
All I know at this point is that I am still incredibly sad, wishing I could hibernate forever and can't wait till my appt. on Feb 20th.

I knew it

I was right, my heart, my instincts, my gut, it was all there. I received the call early this morning. My favorite nurse, she has been through IVF multiple times, one ended in a beautiful baby girl. She continued to expand her family with the adoption of twins. She understands the loss I feel, she has been there. She was straight forward, what is the point of trying to soften the blow as it is what it is. We scheduled a follow - up appt. with the RE for Feb 20th. She said at this point he has a very clear understanding of me and my infertility. I told her I had a few questions and she said that hopefully he would be able to answer if not address them. I really want a laparoscopic procedure of my uterus performed. Every since that cornual pregnancy I have right side pain where my right tube and ovary are located. I want to know if there is scar tissue or some other factor that could have prevented implantation. We probably should have had this done prior to moving onto IVF, but my HSG was fine so we all assumed my uterus was in good shape. Now that we have spent all this money on IVF only to end up with an empty uterus I have to wonder if we missed something. I put my whole heart and soul into this process, my longing for a baby has only increased in the past few days. The irony of the situation, I have not bled anymore and spotting is sporadic and barely there. My cramps have also gone away. What is up with that? The only plus in all this, no PIO shot tonight. The irony, no PIO shot tonight and I think I will miss it.

I stayed home from work today and hibernated in bed. I only answered the phone when the calls were from family. I could just not deal with other people. Both of my children and my hubby are sick. I figure I will face the public tomorrow and go to work until I can get both kids in to see the Dr. Probably just colds but daughter has been running fever on and off for 4 days now. Fortunately I am caught up at work so I can afford to play it loose this week.

I tried to talk to hubby tonight about my feelings about all of this and also about my possible theories as to why this didn't work. He is feeling so sick he just wasn't up for the convo. It hurt my feelings, but I understand that he feels crappy. I just feel alone. I don't want to talk to friends as they just don't understand. My family loves me and is supportive but I think they like most others think I should just accept its not meant to be. I am not ready to do that, I truly feel that I am supposed to be a Mom to one more child. I feel like I am supposed to be pregnant with our child, that hubby is supposed to be a Dad, not just a step-dad. I know its hard for him to see me so sad and let down, but if he thinks that stopping this process will make me stop being sad, he is wrong. I can't and am not ready to let go and move on. I want a baby, our baby.

I guess I will spend my time trying to re-group and re-claim my sanity before we meet with the RE. I want him to believe that he can help us, I need him to believe that he can help us. I need hubby to believe there is hope, the way I believe it.