Holding steady

I am still in a holding pattern. I received my latest shipment of meds and needles today, just Follistim and 30g needles. Thank goodness our insurance covers my meds. So much has been going on lately, but it just doesn't seem interesting enough to write about. I will anyway, at least some of it.

I may or may not start my period in the next 7 days. My cycle got screwed up due to the abrupt ceasing of meds last month. I had a 2nd period 12 days after the 1st. That sucked royally, but the RE wasn't worried. The over a week ago I had some light brown spotting for less then 24 hours...weird huh. My first thought was another screwed up cycle, then I thought...could it be...implantation bleeding. It is possible, but probably not. This week I have had the worst low dull backache and a heavy achy feeling in my uterine area. My boobs are tender and larger than usual, today I had the smallest tiniest one time spot of pale brown blood. I am not really due to start my period for 5-7 days, but who knows with me. I am exhausted and have a headache that lingers and on and on. See, it could mean something or it could mean nothing. As I sit here and document my thoughts and feelings it makes me feel like I am trying to convince myself I could possibly be pregnant. Then reality sneaks in and reminds me I am 41 yrs old, I have one tube, and our last medicated cycle was a bust. I want so bad to have hope, but hope may lead to disappointment and disappointment leads to a sick crying jag. I just do not feel up for that. Hence the arrival of my meds, it can't hurt to be prepared.

On a lighter note, hubby and I ordered a new bed. It hasn't arrived and we are quivering with excitement at it's impending arrival. Why you ask? Because it is a Temper - Pedic Sleep Number Bed. It has multiple head and foot elevation positions and it vibrates...how cool is that. A tinge of sadness crept in when Hubby told me that one of the reasons he wanted this bed was for my comfort should we become pregnant. So sweet it makes me want to cry.

Our 2nd Anniversary is this month. October 14th, I want to do something special for him but he is soooo difficult to shop for.

Hibernation

So I have been in hibernation for the past two days. Not exactly like an ostrich with her head in the sand, more like a bear for the winter, you know surviving the harsh cold winter. I feel like I am in the middle of a winter of my soul.
I went into the office for a little over an hour today, it was awkward at best. Everyone was nice and no one brought up my sad news, believe me I was grateful. I did receive two calls from friends, not intrusive, just wanting to let me know they were thinking of me and were sorry. Hubby and I argued this morning before work. I just need some verbal and tactical support from him. He was great the night I started spotting, but now he has gone into his own hibernation and I need him present. As I wrote yesterday hubby has been sick as have kids, hubby thought he could do work today, but his body told him otherwise and he lasted less than 30 mins. I made the call and took the kids to the Dr. today. They both have bronchitis, so both received antibiotics and an inhaler. No school for either tomorrow so they will now have the weekend to heal. Actually something pretty cool is going on for my son tomorrow. He is 14 to be 15 yrs old next month, he is home-schooled because he is a dancer. He has the opportunity to take a Master Class with the Hermitage Ballet. They are a major company out of Russia. Tomorrow evening we are going to see their first US performance. We really look forward to this family evening.
As for my hormonal situation, well, I have been cramping on and off, and very slight pink spotting a very few times today. Mainly its my lower back, its killing me. My first inclination was to call the RE if I still haven't started by tomorrow, but since I am fairly sedentary I have decided to wait till Monday. If I am still only experiencing the scant spotting and haven't started the full on flood then I will call then. I figure what can it hurt and the longer I go without bleeding the more valid my concern over the lack of bleeding since my beta test was negative. Call me crazy but I am praying for a miracle. I don't want to be in denial and I have actually prayed for the bleeding to start if its really going to. This spot here, spot there is such a bore, it drags the whole process out for me, it makes it hard to move forward or to accept the answer I didn't want. Anyone have a clue as to why this would be happening. Today, Thursday was day 30 from the first day of my last period.

It sucks....

I started spotting last night, very light pink and very little. I tried not to let it get me down, and went to bed. What else was I going to do at midnight? Woke up cramping like a villain this morning. I was afraid to go to the bathroom for fear of seeing blood. I was surprised when the toilet paper was still snowy white. That all changed in the course of an hour, this time it was scant amount of brown. I re-grouped, sucked it up and went to work, there was nothing else for me to do and my job requires almost no physical effort. Several bathroom breaks and lots of cramping and lower back pain later I called the RE's office. It took several hours for me to hear back only to be told to come in and get a script for a blood pregnancy test. I was told that I would probably not hear back from them until tomorrow....great.... The day at the office ends and I come home to rest and take care of school stuff for kids, and see how daughter is doing, she has been running fever on an off for 2 days. Don't worry she was not alone, 14 yr old big brother was home with her (he's home-schooled) and my office is less than 5 minutes from home, we spoke on the phone no less than 10 times throughout the day. My spotting increased and at this point has turned red. Hubby and I agreed that we should continue the PIO shots until I speak to the RE tomorrow, just in case. We had run out of 22 gauge 1 inch needles so this time we used a 25 gauge 1 inch needle. It worked just fine, less pain and hubby said it was only a tad slower injecting. I cried the whole time before, during and after. Not because of any physical pain, but because my heart is breaking. It sucks so bad, I am crampy and my lower back is killing me, so not only do I have to deal with the emotional aspect of this IVF probably failing, I also have to deal with the physical aspect. My arms are empty, I am sooo sad. I want so bad to hold onto some shred of hope that my blood test could be positive and its just my body being screwy. I just can't find it in me to hold on to hope, it would crush me all the more. If I could change one thing about how we went about this process, I would have only told family and the few people at work that needed to know. I would not have shared it with friends and co-workers. Not because I don't appreciate their concern, but because I just don't have the energy to tell them it failed and I just can't handle all the sympathy, well - intended comments. I just want to crawl in a hole. I hid downstairs in our laundry - room and cried on the floor till hubby found me. Pathetic huh? I just did not want my kids to hear me like that. They will know the truth, but they don't need to see me sobbing and aching. feeling like I have lost a loved one. I knew a negative outcome would hurt, I just didn't expect it to be this painful. I thought I had prepared myself, I thought I had insulated my heart. I guess you can't enter into this type of treatment without allowing hope in too. Now what?

First, I wait for the call in the morning, after I have cried in the tub and cried myself to sleep. Once I get the call, who knows. If by a chance of a miracle it's positive we will be ecstatic and reserved. I would imagine that with my bleeding that it would require a follow - up blood test, and maybe an ultrasound. If its negative which is the most likely case, I may be instructed to go ahead and get another blood draw on Thurs. (my initial scheduled date) just to confirm. Then from there I have no idea. I do have questions so I am hoping that we will have a follow - up visit to discuss details and hopefully figure out what direction we are going to go in. I understand how people could go broke pursuing a positive pregnancy test with a resulting baby. My age may come into play, the RE may not want to treat me anymore. Finances play a role in the decision also, not so much from my aspect, but from hubby's. He is very fiscally responsible and is not interested in accruing massive debt to end up empty handed. He considers the life we have now, what we want for the future and my two existing children. All I see is the elusive baby in my dreams. How do you stop the desire? How do you stop your heart from wanting what it wants?