Slightly better

I guess I am slightly better. I continued to take the Prometrium until this past Monday, my RE said I could discontinue taking it as he felt it had probably done it's job. The only job that I can tell it did was make me ~crazy~, I had pure Prometrium Rage with a side of Depression thrown in for good measure. The side effects seem to be wearing off. The nurse told me that my period should start about 10 days after my last pill, but I bled while on the Prometrium and actually it seems to have gotten worse. At this point I'm not sure what to make of things. Mentally I am in a better place. Seems my sister feels she was not insensitive with the way I was informed of her pregnancy and doesn't want anything to do with me since I am not happy for her. She just doesn't get it and she probably wont ever. In spite of knowing how disappointed we were with our news she feels I should automatically be happy for her. No time for me to deal with my own issues (physical & mental), not allowed to come to terms in my own time and grieve for myself. Sometimes I think she got pregnant because she is jealous of my life situation and she knows she can have the one thing I haven't been able to achieve...a baby. I am blessed with an amazing husband and 2 terrific kids, we have a good life, not bragging, we are not wealthy but we are comfortable, I don't have to work at this point, we can take vacations, my husband always surprises me with nice gifts, my kids have the opportunity to participate in some amazing activities. We have a certain amount of freedom that her family does not. Why? Because my children are older and require less hands on attention....she has little ones that leave her with little time for herself, getting pregnant just added to that. For me, I have thought long and hard about the financial, physical and emotional cost of having a baby. I am well aware it would drastically change our lives and I would welcome the change. As someone dealing with age related secondary infertility I know the toll pregnancy takes on your body, I know the sleepless nights I would face, I know how hard it is to be a parent of a toddler, etc. I have done all that before, and yet, the joy far outweighs the hardships of being a parent. At my age now I feel more prepared to parent again. I feel I have so much to offer a child.

In my quest to find peace with my current situation yet still hold onto my Faith that I will be a Mom again I have begun reading a book my sister - in - law loaned me. It is a Beth Moore book, "Get Out Of That Pit ~ Straight Talk about God's Deliverance". She is a Christian writer. I had heard of her but was not familiar with her work. I am still early in the book but feel that it will be helpful to me. I've exhausted so much energy these past 2 years trying to get pregnant, although my Faith is still intact I feel I have drifted. I need to reconnect with God, maybe rely more on my Faith in conjunction with modern medicine.

Sucks

My life is sucky right now. I ended up being 7 days late with my cycle....made the mistake of getting my hopes up. Repeated HPT's came back negative, called RE, went in for blood work on Tues. Blood work negative, said I hadn't even ovulated yet.......WTF!!! I was on cycle day 34 how is that possible. RE said I was going to "O" soon. Bought OPK kit trying to find the silver lining in all this. Started bleeding that night...cruel joke!!! Called RE in the morning, he decided I had a dysfunctional uterus at this point. Prescribed Prometrium, once a day for 10 days to force my cycle so we could get this show on the road. I made it clear I did not have time to waste. Started the med Wed. night, had cramps everywhere but my uterus on Thurs. Bleeding is still only slight. Feeling extra emotional and weepy this past week, very discouraged. Wait!!! It gets better, my Brother-in-law, the one married to my Sister that has 4 kids and had an"accidental" pregnancy this past Aug 2008 (ended in early miscarriage), he called and left me message telling me that they are pregnant again. WTF!!!!! She is too chicken to tell me herself so he does it in a voicemail. He said that they know it has been rough for me and hubby not conceiving after everything we have been through but that I need to be happy for them....WTF!!!!? I am even more devastated that ever. I did not call back but spoke to my Mom, she and my other Sister have known for a week. I feel so disrespected, sad and very angry at this point. I do NOT have to be happy for them, I am NOT happy for them. They cannot afford another child, their financial status is shaky at best. I was informed that her pregnancy was an accident..........again..........my ass!!! I am so hurt and I have sooo much anger right now. My niece is having her Birthday party this weekend, I do not want to be around them, but she and my daughter are the same age and very close. My Sister is 38yrs old, smokes and drinks, I have done every right .... how come it happens for her and not me....especially now....what do I do? My family keeps asking me if all the heartache is worth it for me, yet they are all happy for her. How do I explain how important this is to us? I feel so alone at this point. I deal with secondary infertility, it is horrible and sad. How do people that have never had a child do this? How do you know when you must let go and stop everything? How do I let go of my deep, painful desire for another child? Our options are very limited, adoption is not one, with hubby's 2 previous divorces and my one, no one would give us a baby. I am not ready to give up on my eggs and move onto donor eggs. How do you reconcile using donor eggs if you still believe in your own eggs and you already have children that are genetically yours?

My depression is rearing it's ugly head, I am drowning in sadness. I just want 1 healthy baby, one that is "ours". Is that so bad?

Lots of thinking to do

I have so much on my mind. I had a follow up appt. with my General Physician (GP) today. He just wanted to keep track of what is going on with me. He looked at my belly-button and assured me that I needed to wait till my next surgery to have it repaired. After going over my diagnosis with him he stated that removing my fallopian tube is going to lessen our chances of conceiving. I know this already, and his words keep playing over and over in my head. I have so many doubts and questions. I don't want to cut my chances of conception in half at this point in my life, my chances are already lower than I want them to be. We really can't afford to do IVF again, although I know hubby will make it happen for us if its what I really want. Sometimes I wonder if we should try on our own for 2 months to see if we can get pregnant by ourselves. What if my quitting smoking a few months ago increases our chances of conception? Last time we got pregnant I had cut down significantly. We haven't really been able to try on our own since the IVF in January, there was a slight chance in February but then all the pain began.

I have to believe that if I have reasonable doubt about whether to have this surgery at this time than I probably shouldn't. Unfortunately its not reversible, once I give the ok, its done and there goes half my fertility. I am not ready to give it up, I am about preserving it. I have had faith and felt very comfortable and happy with my treatment by my RE up till this point. Now I have to wonder if this is the best choice for me at this time.

The kids had a dance competition this weekend. It was amazing. Everyone did so well and I am so proud of my two. The Pas de deux that my son did with his dance partner received the highest marks this weekend. It may seem selfish of me to want another child when I already have two perfect, healthy children. It is selfish, but I want to share the joy of having a child with my husband. I want to share the wonder of pregnancy, and babyhood, and childhood with my husband.

My daughter, the personal back stomper for sore dancers...

My son and his partner....one of their many lifts.

Still hurting

I am still hurting...kidney infection seems to be better but oddly enough my kidney pain seems to come back around mid-day. My abdominal pain is still the same, annoying and painful. I am seriously thinking of hitting my Dr. up for some more pain meds, because I am going to run out long before my scheduled Lap. surg.
I was soooo hoping for Buzz to stick. As of last night I just don't think that happened. I had some very slight pink spotting right before bed. Nothing this morning and then a few instances of slight brown spotting, very small amounts and then nothing. I am not really having any cramps, other than the usual pain that I have been living with. I did break down and POAS last night, I knew it would be negative but a girl can dream. I had my silent cry in the tub...hubby was sleeping and didn't want to wake him, he was already sad earlier when I told him I was spotting. So I allowed myself to cry and feel sorry for myself until I got out of the tub.
I was telling a friend yesterday how much I resent other pregnant women. I know that their pregnancy does not deny me mine but I just feel resentful and somewhat bitter. I am really trying to overcome that, after all I have no clue about their circumstances. Any way I was telling her that when I see pregnant ladies I just want to punch them........I say this in jest and she got it. She said I should probably steer clear of pregnant ladies...funny thing.......they are everywhere. Seriously, I thought about this last night. I have never been so bombarded with fertility, pregnancy and babies. I know I am not imagining this, its crazy and it drives me crazy. Every magazine, every website, pregnancy!!! It is a constant reminder to me so even when I try to focus on other things and not be so self concerned with my fertility I cannot get away from it. It feels often like the universe is trying to tell me something, or maybe it's God. I rely on my faith to get me through. Which brings me to..
Faith...I was talking to my Mother the other day and was telling her of my thoughts on my struggle. I believe that God answers prayers, I believe God wants whats best for me and my family. I believe that children are a blessing from God. Which makes me wonder why do people that don't believe and have Faith get to be pregnant? How come they are blessed with a baby without believing while I who believes remains empty. Don't get me wrong, I have already been blessed with two amazing children, but my husband and I want a child we made together. It may seem selfish but how is it anymore selfish than any other couple that wants a child together? I realized as I was talking to my Mom that all my success' and failures in every aspect of my life are a result of my Faith. The way I live my Faith. We have not be regular in our church attendance and I hate that for all of us, but especially my children. I asked myself...why would God bless us with a child when I am not even making sure the two I already have are getting the exposure to church and God like they should. My children know and believe but as children they are young in their Faith and it is important for us all to grow in our Faith. So is that the key? Do I need to grow in my Faith to be worthy of a baby? I have been trying to turn my anxiety about infertility over to God. I am trying not to feel overwhelmed, recognizing that God is really the one in control, not me, not hubby, and not even the RE. I need to accept that statistics are not God's way. Did you know that every women documented to be faced with infertility in the Bible was healed of her infertility and blessed with a pregnancy and a child? How amazing is that? I so want to be a success story. I do not want to end my fertile years on a failure.
More thoughts to come on this later and more thoughts on my thoughts on continued IVF with my eggs versus donor eggs.

Am I better?

Am I better? I am not sure how to answer that question when asked of me. I guess I feel a little better, my kidney pain seems to be less as each day passes, my abdominal pain stays the same. I spend most of my time attached to my heating pad, we are best friends. I really need to come up with a name for him/her....LOL. All of this pain and being practically bed-ridden with pain has really messed with my head. I feel absent from my life. I have plans to go to work tomorrow, I am so far behind and need to catch up. The kids and hubby have been very sympathetic and understanding, and its not fair to them. Hopefully my RE can bump up my Lap. surgery so we can get this pain under control.
The benefit of this downtime for me has been time for me to think. I really want to try and conceive naturally, I truly have faith in my body, that my body is still capable. My intentions are to eat and drink healthier with conception being a goal, not the only goal. Prayer has always been a part of my life, sometimes a bigger part and sometimes a lesser part. Research shows that prayer plays a large part in success of IVF and conventional conception. My faith has me believing that if you pray in earnest that God answers all prayers. I can only hope and pray that God will answer my prayers to bless us with a child of our own.