I knew it

I was right, my heart, my instincts, my gut, it was all there. I received the call early this morning. My favorite nurse, she has been through IVF multiple times, one ended in a beautiful baby girl. She continued to expand her family with the adoption of twins. She understands the loss I feel, she has been there. She was straight forward, what is the point of trying to soften the blow as it is what it is. We scheduled a follow - up appt. with the RE for Feb 20th. She said at this point he has a very clear understanding of me and my infertility. I told her I had a few questions and she said that hopefully he would be able to answer if not address them. I really want a laparoscopic procedure of my uterus performed. Every since that cornual pregnancy I have right side pain where my right tube and ovary are located. I want to know if there is scar tissue or some other factor that could have prevented implantation. We probably should have had this done prior to moving onto IVF, but my HSG was fine so we all assumed my uterus was in good shape. Now that we have spent all this money on IVF only to end up with an empty uterus I have to wonder if we missed something. I put my whole heart and soul into this process, my longing for a baby has only increased in the past few days. The irony of the situation, I have not bled anymore and spotting is sporadic and barely there. My cramps have also gone away. What is up with that? The only plus in all this, no PIO shot tonight. The irony, no PIO shot tonight and I think I will miss it.

I stayed home from work today and hibernated in bed. I only answered the phone when the calls were from family. I could just not deal with other people. Both of my children and my hubby are sick. I figure I will face the public tomorrow and go to work until I can get both kids in to see the Dr. Probably just colds but daughter has been running fever on and off for 4 days now. Fortunately I am caught up at work so I can afford to play it loose this week.

I tried to talk to hubby tonight about my feelings about all of this and also about my possible theories as to why this didn't work. He is feeling so sick he just wasn't up for the convo. It hurt my feelings, but I understand that he feels crappy. I just feel alone. I don't want to talk to friends as they just don't understand. My family loves me and is supportive but I think they like most others think I should just accept its not meant to be. I am not ready to do that, I truly feel that I am supposed to be a Mom to one more child. I feel like I am supposed to be pregnant with our child, that hubby is supposed to be a Dad, not just a step-dad. I know its hard for him to see me so sad and let down, but if he thinks that stopping this process will make me stop being sad, he is wrong. I can't and am not ready to let go and move on. I want a baby, our baby.

I guess I will spend my time trying to re-group and re-claim my sanity before we meet with the RE. I want him to believe that he can help us, I need him to believe that he can help us. I need hubby to believe there is hope, the way I believe it.