Slightly better

I guess I am slightly better. I continued to take the Prometrium until this past Monday, my RE said I could discontinue taking it as he felt it had probably done it's job. The only job that I can tell it did was make me ~crazy~, I had pure Prometrium Rage with a side of Depression thrown in for good measure. The side effects seem to be wearing off. The nurse told me that my period should start about 10 days after my last pill, but I bled while on the Prometrium and actually it seems to have gotten worse. At this point I'm not sure what to make of things. Mentally I am in a better place. Seems my sister feels she was not insensitive with the way I was informed of her pregnancy and doesn't want anything to do with me since I am not happy for her. She just doesn't get it and she probably wont ever. In spite of knowing how disappointed we were with our news she feels I should automatically be happy for her. No time for me to deal with my own issues (physical & mental), not allowed to come to terms in my own time and grieve for myself. Sometimes I think she got pregnant because she is jealous of my life situation and she knows she can have the one thing I haven't been able to achieve...a baby. I am blessed with an amazing husband and 2 terrific kids, we have a good life, not bragging, we are not wealthy but we are comfortable, I don't have to work at this point, we can take vacations, my husband always surprises me with nice gifts, my kids have the opportunity to participate in some amazing activities. We have a certain amount of freedom that her family does not. Why? Because my children are older and require less hands on attention....she has little ones that leave her with little time for herself, getting pregnant just added to that. For me, I have thought long and hard about the financial, physical and emotional cost of having a baby. I am well aware it would drastically change our lives and I would welcome the change. As someone dealing with age related secondary infertility I know the toll pregnancy takes on your body, I know the sleepless nights I would face, I know how hard it is to be a parent of a toddler, etc. I have done all that before, and yet, the joy far outweighs the hardships of being a parent. At my age now I feel more prepared to parent again. I feel I have so much to offer a child.

In my quest to find peace with my current situation yet still hold onto my Faith that I will be a Mom again I have begun reading a book my sister - in - law loaned me. It is a Beth Moore book, "Get Out Of That Pit ~ Straight Talk about God's Deliverance". She is a Christian writer. I had heard of her but was not familiar with her work. I am still early in the book but feel that it will be helpful to me. I've exhausted so much energy these past 2 years trying to get pregnant, although my Faith is still intact I feel I have drifted. I need to reconnect with God, maybe rely more on my Faith in conjunction with modern medicine.

Today....or yesterday because its tomorrow already

Was today better? Not really, I spent the day snuggled deep under my new fluffy bedding. I avoided the world for as long as I could. The BIL called this morning to see if we wanted to go to the beach....I just couldn't do it. I am not ready to put on a happy face for my sister and my period as reached epic proportions ( I am cramping like a villain and bleeding like a slit pig). I know you really appreciate the visual right. By 1pm I was starving so it became imperative that I extricate myself from the covers and get dressed and venture out for food. The hubby and M & R and I all went to Applebee's for lunch, nothing special but the Asian Chix salad I had hit the spot. We had to pick up crickets for M's gecko and then headed to Target for hubby's meds and I bought a 5 pack of underwear....you can never have too many pairs of cotton bikini underdrawers. By this point my uterus was falling out so hubby took R & I home and he and M went grocery shopping. (Yeah for the good guys in my life!)
E my niece (preg. sister's daughter) invited R to spend the night. No problem, they have such a great time together, Sis and her family came to pick R up, I was trying to rest at this point so I did not show my face (call me chicken, I don't care). I am just not at an accepting place as far as her pregnancy goes, I've only had 24 hrs to process this.
M was invited to the movies with his best friend and his Father. So hubby and I ordered pizza and ate in.
I spent the better part of the evening helping M install his video camera on his laptop and just generally hanging out. I am trying to focus on the blessings in my life....how many other Mother's of teen son's are actually welcome to hang out with their son's in their rooms? My kids talk to me, not about random bull, but about real stuff. About relationships, friendships, their changing bodies, nothing is off limits. We love each other and we say it and show it. Hubby is the same, he is my very best friend, we can talk about everything.
I cried as I soaked in the tub tonight, while I read a magazine and ate cherry licorice. I cried for the loss of a baby this month. I cried because I am sad and envious of my sister. Why is it easier for me to be happy for all the ladies I read here on the Internet who have success than for my own sister? I told my hubby it feels like their was this unspoken rule in our family, that it was my turn to get pregnant, and I feel like my sister broke that rule. It sounds stupid I know, but emotions are not always rational. I have not felt this down since our failed IVF, even the surgery in June to remove my right tube was not this depressing. It feels like every time I get knocked over it is getting harder and harder to re-group and get up. I am having an extremely difficult time finding my optimistic side at this point. I dread everything that requires communication with the world outside my immediate family and my house.

Nothing much

Nothing much seems to be going on with me, which I am taking to be a good thing. I have intermittent pain, but it seems to be less and last for shorter periods of time. Now we all know that since I just typed that sentence the pain is going to come back with a vengeance and kick my ass, cause that's how life is. I know I can't be the only one that is annoyed with the recent spate of celebrity conceptions. We have Rebecca Romijn and Jennifer Garner to just name two. Jen is probably a great Mom, I actually smile when I see pics of her and her daughter, she seems very involved. Rebecca, I think it annoys me because of Jerry's comments regarding their attempts at conception. He was so cavalier, who knows, maybe it was his attempt to mask the pain of infertility. Internet rumors point to assisted reproduction for them, if that's the case I am sorry they had to resort to AR, but you know, it sucks that people like that can try and try with no thought to expense. Flip side, as a former fertile now facing age related infertility some might say I should shut up and be grateful for the 2 children I have and to accept what I have and not be greedy. Sometimes I think many of us infertiles see a pregnant woman or a woman with a child and we automatically feel jealousy and dislike. I know until the other day after much thought, I never considered how that woman became a Mom. Maybe it took many years, tears, and lots of money. Maybe she had to use donor eggs or sperm, maybe she lost friends, family, or her marriage in the process to become a Mom. It might seem easy for me to say these things, but it's not, my heart still aches for a child with my husband. I still cry every time I start my period. I count the days till my hoped for ovulation, praying that this months egg is not to old and that it's released on the side that still has a tube.
Long commercial break there, I'm back.
I had a crappy day at work today. It started off great, mainly because I had an amazing weekend with my family. I swear I walk into that place and it immediately sucks the life out of you. It's not the job, it's the people. They are complacent, apathetic, lackadaisical...and on and on. Five years later and it is no better. I love my job, I get to work with my husband, we are a great team. That is main problem. We were not involved when I began working there, he hired me and a little more than 3 years later I married the boss (hubby). We have employees that cannot handle that. These people are intimidated and fearful that I have the inside track on the inner workings of the company. Yep, I do, it's a perk to being the bosses wife. Fortunately the owners of the company trust hubby's discretionary judgement as far as company info goes. Too bad for others. I refuse to betray the trust of my husband and the owners just to make other people comfortable. I know this is rambly, but it was so bad I had to leave the office for about 2 hours today to re-group and calm down. I am unfortunately subjected to the attempted sabotage of co-workers on a daily basis. Being Caesar's wife sucks sometimes.

Day 1

I took my last b/c pill last night and already I am spotting. I expect my uterus to be falling out by tomorrow night if the past is any indication of the future. Then onto Thurs. for my baseline appt. with the RE.
Is it ok that I am envious of all these celebrities that are announcing their pregnancies? I mean don't get me wrong, I have two amazing children already, does it make me greedy that I want one more? I am truly happy to read that Halle Berry is preggo and Nicole Kidman too. Like the rest of the world I am well aware that they have both been hoping to conceive their 1st children for a long time. Nicole has to adopted children so this is her 1st bio child. But then I read about Lilly Allen, Jessica Alba and lastly Jamie Lynn Spears and it makes me go....WTF! They are all young, unmarried and weren't planning on being parents for a while. I would bet money that each of the those pregnancies was accompanied by and "Oh S**t" before it sunk in and they accepted it. Here I am 40, old in comparison to them and I have be trying to conceive for over 2 yrs, I know that's not a long time compared to many, but I only have so much time before my eggs expire.
It just kills me to read about young teen girls getting pregnant and thinking that a baby will solve their loneliness, will keep a boyfriend around, will fix whatever is empty inside them. They have no clue how much work a child takes to raise. How it changes every aspect about your life. They just seem so cavalier about the situation. And then there are others like myself who are praying nightly for a child to love and raise, who can't wait to be pregnant and experience all the changes our bodies will go through. I am 40, my body will never be 16,22 or even 30 again and that is fine with me....just give me one healthy baby Lord.