It sucks....

I started spotting last night, very light pink and very little. I tried not to let it get me down, and went to bed. What else was I going to do at midnight? Woke up cramping like a villain this morning. I was afraid to go to the bathroom for fear of seeing blood. I was surprised when the toilet paper was still snowy white. That all changed in the course of an hour, this time it was scant amount of brown. I re-grouped, sucked it up and went to work, there was nothing else for me to do and my job requires almost no physical effort. Several bathroom breaks and lots of cramping and lower back pain later I called the RE's office. It took several hours for me to hear back only to be told to come in and get a script for a blood pregnancy test. I was told that I would probably not hear back from them until tomorrow....great.... The day at the office ends and I come home to rest and take care of school stuff for kids, and see how daughter is doing, she has been running fever on an off for 2 days. Don't worry she was not alone, 14 yr old big brother was home with her (he's home-schooled) and my office is less than 5 minutes from home, we spoke on the phone no less than 10 times throughout the day. My spotting increased and at this point has turned red. Hubby and I agreed that we should continue the PIO shots until I speak to the RE tomorrow, just in case. We had run out of 22 gauge 1 inch needles so this time we used a 25 gauge 1 inch needle. It worked just fine, less pain and hubby said it was only a tad slower injecting. I cried the whole time before, during and after. Not because of any physical pain, but because my heart is breaking. It sucks so bad, I am crampy and my lower back is killing me, so not only do I have to deal with the emotional aspect of this IVF probably failing, I also have to deal with the physical aspect. My arms are empty, I am sooo sad. I want so bad to hold onto some shred of hope that my blood test could be positive and its just my body being screwy. I just can't find it in me to hold on to hope, it would crush me all the more. If I could change one thing about how we went about this process, I would have only told family and the few people at work that needed to know. I would not have shared it with friends and co-workers. Not because I don't appreciate their concern, but because I just don't have the energy to tell them it failed and I just can't handle all the sympathy, well - intended comments. I just want to crawl in a hole. I hid downstairs in our laundry - room and cried on the floor till hubby found me. Pathetic huh? I just did not want my kids to hear me like that. They will know the truth, but they don't need to see me sobbing and aching. feeling like I have lost a loved one. I knew a negative outcome would hurt, I just didn't expect it to be this painful. I thought I had prepared myself, I thought I had insulated my heart. I guess you can't enter into this type of treatment without allowing hope in too. Now what?

First, I wait for the call in the morning, after I have cried in the tub and cried myself to sleep. Once I get the call, who knows. If by a chance of a miracle it's positive we will be ecstatic and reserved. I would imagine that with my bleeding that it would require a follow - up blood test, and maybe an ultrasound. If its negative which is the most likely case, I may be instructed to go ahead and get another blood draw on Thurs. (my initial scheduled date) just to confirm. Then from there I have no idea. I do have questions so I am hoping that we will have a follow - up visit to discuss details and hopefully figure out what direction we are going to go in. I understand how people could go broke pursuing a positive pregnancy test with a resulting baby. My age may come into play, the RE may not want to treat me anymore. Finances play a role in the decision also, not so much from my aspect, but from hubby's. He is very fiscally responsible and is not interested in accruing massive debt to end up empty handed. He considers the life we have now, what we want for the future and my two existing children. All I see is the elusive baby in my dreams. How do you stop the desire? How do you stop your heart from wanting what it wants?