Well I'm not pregnant

I know, I know... we already knew this. Why am I telling you this now. Well hubby went to the store and brought back an HPT for me. We are both so concerned with my pain, afraid it could have meant an ectopic pregnancy, hence the pregnancy test. So I held my pee this morning while he ran to the store and then I ran to the bathroom as soon as he presented me with the lovely package. It was negative, as I knew it would be, a disappointment because a miracle would have been nice, relief because no HCG registered so that would mean I am not pregnant, which means no ectopic which is healthier for me. So I have spent the day with a heating pad pressed to my abdomen. Emotionally I am all over the place. Poor hubby, I had to meltdowns today, one earlier due the constant pain I am. He offered to take to the ER but its not that painful and I don't think it's an emergency. It is just constant and annoying. The 2nd meltdown was baby related, my fear that it wont happen, that the RE will tell me it's not worth the money to try again. I asked hubby if he would back me up in my request for Laparoscopic surgery. He says he will back me up, I think mostly because he wants my pain to stop and he hopes we might find a reason for it. Is it crazy of me to want to go under anesthesia and hope that the RE finds something wrong? Not like cancer, but something along the lines of scar tissue, endometriosis something that would explain why we haven't been able to get pregnant with or without medical help in spite of healthy eggs and ovulation and healthy sperm.

Through tears tonight I told hubby how I thought I could handle the outcome whatever it was, but I was fooling myself. I could only handle success because I expected nothing less. Failure never entered my heart. I cried my heart out and explained to him how badly I wanted to make him a Father, how bad my arms ache to hold our child. I told him how I feel like I have failed him. Adoption is not an option, not financially, plus we have both been divorced, and I battled depression in the past for many years. I won that battle, now I just want to win this battle.