Tired

I'm tired, so very tired, deep down in my bones aching tired. I haven't been home in over 6 months, I haven't slept in my own bed in over 6 months. I have not exhaled in over 6 months, I've been holding my breath, hoping, praying that things would change. I have been carrying the weight of this sadness day in and day out, through the evening hours till twilight and eventually sunrise, until my body gives out and my mind shuts down for self-preservation.
My husband filed for divorce 6 months ago, he refuses to communicate with me. Mediation today did not go as I had hoped and prayed, it went nothing like I thought it would go. I feel gypped, silenced, with no voice, no say in my own life, in our marriage. Infertility treatments led me to this point in my path of life, and guess what. It was not worth it, I have empty arms, a husband who swore to me that no baby was not a deal breaker, that we were forever only to find out that forever and for better or worse was an illusion. Infertility treatments almost took my sanity, my right fallopian tube, and 3 years later it is trying to end my marriage, not because there is no baby, but because I lost myself. I've finally found me and he says to others that it is too late, but how can you know that without trying?

Dear Husband

This post is for you dear Husband of mine. I love you and miss you!!!  Your love for me kept me going when many times I felt like giving up. You believed in me and us when no one else did. Thank you for loving me when I have been unloveable!!!
Love Me, your Wife!

One of these days

One of these days or nights I am going to sit down and actually write something interesting and worthwhile but for now, I've got nothing. Summer is over and Fall has begun. What is in store for us this season?

One day this will make sense...

My motivation is in the negatives, lack of motivation, perfectly content to try as little effort as possible in order to reach a goal. We are no closer to a baby than were were 2 years ago. Talked about stalled in place. Things may change shortly, hopfully for the better. Our homelife is due a major shake up coming soon.

Spotty

The state of my blog, not me personally, although I do like polka dots. One day I'm going to come back here with something interesting to post. Until that day comes I continue to be an avid blog reader, wishing, hoping and praying for all the people who's lives I follow. Not exactly stalking but more like people watching at the mall.

Oh, and I have braces now. I do not recommend getting braces at 42yrs of age, especially when your daughter gets them at the same time. I am not near as cute, but I will be rockin the colored rubber bands at each visit.

As if I needed more

The time had come. It was time for me to get back on my anti-depressants. I put off, and held off for as long as I could, but the dreaded beast that is my depression has been rearing it's head for months. My reserve to fight it off is completely gone. I was fortunate enough to get an appt. with my Dr. for this past Friday and was relieved to learn that I could get back on my Elavil and continue to take it while we try and get pregnant. If we are lucky enough whether by my eggs(fat chance) or donor eggs, we will wean me off the meds. in a matter of a few weeks thereby minimizing any risk to a baby. The benefits to me outweigh the risks at this point. So this was all good news to me. The not so good news is actually bad news...my blood pressure is sky high. I had an issue with high bp a few years ago, it disappeared as abruptly as it showed up. So after monitoring my bp over the weekend I can't risk it any longer and have started Procardia to help get my bp under control. This is so crazy, I had no warning that my pressure was up, at the end of February it was normal and Friday it was 160/98, and last night it was 151/106....uh...not so good.

On the infertility front, hubby is reading the book I bought to help inform me about donor eggs. It definitely helped me with clarity about this decision. At this point we are still in a holding pattern, gathering information and hoping the economy stabilizes. As we are a one income family hubby wants to feel secure that his job is safe before we spend so much money on another chance to get pregnant. I hate the wait, but at least I don't feel all doom and gloom about being back on the Elavil, I have hope that we can still get pregnant and become parents together. Now I just need both of these meds to kick in and get me back on track health wise.

Taking time

I have been taking some time to try and organize my life. My Sister and I have made peace, I just needed time to be angry and sad for me. On the fertility front not much has been going on. We did our last medicated cycle in February, obviously it did not work. I am at peace with it. Hubby and I have been in contemplation over our next step, I have reached my conclusion and know the direction I want to go. Hubby still needs a little more time. I am trying not to rush him, but I have only so much time to float in the boat with no paddles. I need a direction, either we move forward in our journey to have a child or we stop. I want to continue, my heart still aches as do my arms, but I will respect Hubby's feelings regarding his decision. It will not make or break our marriage.

The reason for the rush is my depression, it is rearing it's head and I only have so much time left before I will need to get back on my meds. I take Elavil and it is not compatible with pregnancy, has been known to cause birth defects and I am not willing to risk it. Unfortunately Elavil is the only medication that helps my depression, nothing and I mean I have tried about everything, nothing else works. So I hold on for a bit longer as Hubby thinks things through and we make a joint decision.

My 42nd Birthday is coming up...UGH!!!!....and my son just turned 16yrs old. I am so proud of him, he is amazing. I find myself missing that sweet snuggley little boy he once was, now he is big enough for me to sit on his lap...:) Before I know it my dear sweet daughter will be all grown up too.

Happy 16th Birthday M!

Slightly better

I guess I am slightly better. I continued to take the Prometrium until this past Monday, my RE said I could discontinue taking it as he felt it had probably done it's job. The only job that I can tell it did was make me ~crazy~, I had pure Prometrium Rage with a side of Depression thrown in for good measure. The side effects seem to be wearing off. The nurse told me that my period should start about 10 days after my last pill, but I bled while on the Prometrium and actually it seems to have gotten worse. At this point I'm not sure what to make of things. Mentally I am in a better place. Seems my sister feels she was not insensitive with the way I was informed of her pregnancy and doesn't want anything to do with me since I am not happy for her. She just doesn't get it and she probably wont ever. In spite of knowing how disappointed we were with our news she feels I should automatically be happy for her. No time for me to deal with my own issues (physical & mental), not allowed to come to terms in my own time and grieve for myself. Sometimes I think she got pregnant because she is jealous of my life situation and she knows she can have the one thing I haven't been able to achieve...a baby. I am blessed with an amazing husband and 2 terrific kids, we have a good life, not bragging, we are not wealthy but we are comfortable, I don't have to work at this point, we can take vacations, my husband always surprises me with nice gifts, my kids have the opportunity to participate in some amazing activities. We have a certain amount of freedom that her family does not. Why? Because my children are older and require less hands on attention....she has little ones that leave her with little time for herself, getting pregnant just added to that. For me, I have thought long and hard about the financial, physical and emotional cost of having a baby. I am well aware it would drastically change our lives and I would welcome the change. As someone dealing with age related secondary infertility I know the toll pregnancy takes on your body, I know the sleepless nights I would face, I know how hard it is to be a parent of a toddler, etc. I have done all that before, and yet, the joy far outweighs the hardships of being a parent. At my age now I feel more prepared to parent again. I feel I have so much to offer a child.

In my quest to find peace with my current situation yet still hold onto my Faith that I will be a Mom again I have begun reading a book my sister - in - law loaned me. It is a Beth Moore book, "Get Out Of That Pit ~ Straight Talk about God's Deliverance". She is a Christian writer. I had heard of her but was not familiar with her work. I am still early in the book but feel that it will be helpful to me. I've exhausted so much energy these past 2 years trying to get pregnant, although my Faith is still intact I feel I have drifted. I need to reconnect with God, maybe rely more on my Faith in conjunction with modern medicine.

Sucks

My life is sucky right now. I ended up being 7 days late with my cycle....made the mistake of getting my hopes up. Repeated HPT's came back negative, called RE, went in for blood work on Tues. Blood work negative, said I hadn't even ovulated yet.......WTF!!! I was on cycle day 34 how is that possible. RE said I was going to "O" soon. Bought OPK kit trying to find the silver lining in all this. Started bleeding that night...cruel joke!!! Called RE in the morning, he decided I had a dysfunctional uterus at this point. Prescribed Prometrium, once a day for 10 days to force my cycle so we could get this show on the road. I made it clear I did not have time to waste. Started the med Wed. night, had cramps everywhere but my uterus on Thurs. Bleeding is still only slight. Feeling extra emotional and weepy this past week, very discouraged. Wait!!! It gets better, my Brother-in-law, the one married to my Sister that has 4 kids and had an"accidental" pregnancy this past Aug 2008 (ended in early miscarriage), he called and left me message telling me that they are pregnant again. WTF!!!!! She is too chicken to tell me herself so he does it in a voicemail. He said that they know it has been rough for me and hubby not conceiving after everything we have been through but that I need to be happy for them....WTF!!!!? I am even more devastated that ever. I did not call back but spoke to my Mom, she and my other Sister have known for a week. I feel so disrespected, sad and very angry at this point. I do NOT have to be happy for them, I am NOT happy for them. They cannot afford another child, their financial status is shaky at best. I was informed that her pregnancy was an accident..........again..........my ass!!! I am so hurt and I have sooo much anger right now. My niece is having her Birthday party this weekend, I do not want to be around them, but she and my daughter are the same age and very close. My Sister is 38yrs old, smokes and drinks, I have done every right .... how come it happens for her and not me....especially now....what do I do? My family keeps asking me if all the heartache is worth it for me, yet they are all happy for her. How do I explain how important this is to us? I feel so alone at this point. I deal with secondary infertility, it is horrible and sad. How do people that have never had a child do this? How do you know when you must let go and stop everything? How do I let go of my deep, painful desire for another child? Our options are very limited, adoption is not one, with hubby's 2 previous divorces and my one, no one would give us a baby. I am not ready to give up on my eggs and move onto donor eggs. How do you reconcile using donor eggs if you still believe in your own eggs and you already have children that are genetically yours?

My depression is rearing it's ugly head, I am drowning in sadness. I just want 1 healthy baby, one that is "ours". Is that so bad?

101st post and hope

Wow...I completely missed the fact that my last post was my 100th post...Yeah me!!!

Let me catch up...

We went on our vacation to Disney World, M & R each brought a cousin as a buddy. It ended up being a great idea, everyone had a partner. We arrived at our resort on Sun. the 28th, the cabins we stayed in were awesome, totally not what we expected or what would have been our 1st choice. It was the best option considering we had 4 kids between the ages of 11 - 15 with us. We started out in Hollywood Studios where the brave ones rode the Tower of Terror and The Rockin Rollercoaster, while we chickens (me & R) hung out and got ice cream and watched the Beauty and The Beast show. I was not feeling so well that day and night but assumed it was from being tired from getting ready for the trip. The I started with a fever, sore throat and congestion. Doped myself up with OTC meds and figured some sleep would help. The next day we went to Epcot, took turns with the rides and attractions making sure everyone had the chance to do and see the things they liked. Once again I felt crappy, feverish, sore throat, etc. Continued the OTC meds thinking it was a cold. The park stayed open 2 extra hours for resort guests, so after some amazing fireworks we were able to get on some more rides with little to no wait. The next morning I could not get up I felt sooo bad, high fever. After hubby took the kids shopping and exploring the grounds of the resort we decided I needed medically treatment. The resort recommended an urgent care clinic right off the property. We were fortunate to have a very short wait. The Dr. did a quick strep test as I had the bad bout of strep this summer, after ruling that out he determined I had bad sinus infection and wrote me a script for a Z - pack and told me to get the "good" Sudafed, the stuff you need a drivers license to buy. Pharmacy was connected to the clinic so we were able to get the script filled and get my Sudafed 12 hour stuff and we were off to get the kids. I took the meds and actually felt better within 30 mins, the "good" Sudafed helped right away. Magic Kingdom was open till 3am for resort guests so we had plenty of time for fun. They had the park decorated beautifully and we had a blast. Our next day, which was New Years eve was spent at Animal Kingdom and then we celebrated New Years with the kids at Planet Hollywood in Downtown Disney. Our original plan was to spend New Years in Magic Kingdom, but it was filled to capacity by early afternoon and they were not letting anyone else in....crazy huh. We would not have enjoyed the park with it being that crowded so our plans were perfect for us. By Thursday, our last day we spent it at Magic Kingdom, it was still packed but we had fun. We got on the road late, almost 11pm, it was a long hard drive but we arrived home safe and sound.

I know in my last post I mentioned how my sister-in-law prayed over my womb with hubby and myself. Since we have been home I have felt like I have had a hangover. I am exhausted, emotional and all the other signs of PMS. But I am now 2 days late. My uterus is not really crampy but has a constant low heavy achy feel to it. My back aches like crazy and my boobs are tender and fuller. I am on constant toilet paper check. I wimped out and did a HPT late Wed. night, it was negative, but my urine may not have been concentrated enough to register as I had been up watching tv drinking (Dr. Pepper) and peeing all the time. Now it has been so long since I have been pregnant I can't be sure if the symptoms I have are PMS or signs of early pregnancy. I am terrified of getting my hopes up, I would rather just start bleeding, be sad and move on. The constant wondering is messing with my head and heart. I keep feeling like I am about to start or I have started, then I go to the bathroom and nothing. I usually spot for about 2-4 days before my period kicks in full force, so far no spotting at all. I want so badly to have hope, to believe that this could really be it, that I could really be pregnant after all this time. How crazy would it be if after 2 straight years of fertility treatments and 1 year of trying on our own that the month after my sister-in-law prays over my womb that I could maybe be pregnant...and all without medical assistance. I am going to give it through Sat. if I haven't started by then I will take another HPT on Sun. morning. At this point all I can do is pray and hope for our New Year miracle.

Our crew with Donald Duck

No sleep

Sleep comes to be in a round about way. I have a difficult time falling asleep, but once I am there I don't want to get up. It is the time of year. I am not a winter person. I need the longer, warmer days. We leave on Sunday for our family vacation. It is also part of the kid's Christmas present. We are going to Disney for 5 days and they each are bringing a cousin. I hate packing but I am super excited about this trip. Since the kids have been with their Dad (it was his Christmas this year) things have been quiet and mellow here at home. The presents are wrapped and under the tree, waiting for them to come home. I head out to meet my sister early in the morning, they live several hours from us and we need our nephew to be here the day before the trip.

We did go to my brother's house on Christmas to see what my 2 little nephews got from Santa. It was nice to be with little ones who totally get into the excitement of Christmas. My sister - in - law has been offering to pray over my womb for a while. We finally had an opportunity while there. I was afraid it would be awkward, but it wasn't. It was just her, hubby and myself, with hands laid on my abdomen she said the most amazing prayer asking God to open my womb and bless us with the baby we want so badly. Maybe I am crazy but during her prayer I felt a buzzing inside me directly beneath our hands. Hubby said it was his vibrating hands...haha...not...I felt it from the inside not externally. Who knows what it meant, if anything at all, but I felt peaceful and loved and that feeling is still there. She didn't realize until afterwards that this is my fertile time and hubby and I have been trying without stress this month. God works in mysterious ways.

On a completely different note, I have been following this woman's blog for a bit of time now. Her story really touched me. Her name is Emilie and has battled infertility, when she was pregnant with her 2nd baby boy in August 2007 she was diagnosed with soft tissue sarcoma. After surgery to remove all the tumor she went onto a normal healthy pregnancy and delivered a 2nd healthy son. Shortly after she learned her cancer was back and had taken over. In spite of her determination and strong fight to live she passed away in the evening of Dec 23rd. I am so sad for her, and her family. I wanted her to beat this, even though we had never met, I felt connected, as a Mother. I pray that she is at peace and that her family will hold onto the good memories and feel her love for them each day as they grieve her loss. Her blog is lemmondrops .

Hubby and nephew ~ typical men, eating and watching tv..haha

I might be a starfish

I am probably the most boring blogger in the universe, but I swear the weirdest things happen to my body. I have been having my lower right abdominal pain for several weeks now. I had the most hellish period in the world, 7 days late. Impossible to be pregnant, according to the RE my period was late due to crazy hormones wreaking havoc on my body. The thing is, this pain is the exact pain I experienced which led to Lap. surgery for diagnosis. I had Salpingitis Isthmica Nudosa (can't even remember the spelling). My right tube was removed in June 2008. I am thinking I might be a starfish and maybe my tube is growing back....LOL. Okay, I know realistically that is not possible, but it sounds good. How can I have pain in the exact same spot where my tube was but is not now. I have the exact same pain symptoms. I wish I could see what was going on inside there, but that wont happen unless I am willing to have a hysterectomy, and that is not an option right now.

We are waiting till January to start our next medicated cycle, in the meantime we will be trying on our own this month. The mental and physical strain of all these failed treatments is wearing on me. I was so optimistic about success when we began this journey with our RE 2 years ago. With each failed cycle it is harder to bounce back and think positively. I just expect failure, I guess as a way to protect myself and it's not working for me anymore. My heart breaks each month, yet I can't help but feel in the deepest part of me that I am going to get pregnant and we will have a baby. How can I shake that feeling if it is false?

The kids will be spending the 1st half of their Christmas break with their Dad, it's his actual Christmas this year. It's ok, I have them the 2nd half and we have a fun vacation trip planned, but I will miss them terribly, it makes the empty uterus that much more painful.

M practicing a lift for Holiday Show

The pain

I have no idea why, but my right side pain is back even worse than ever. The tube is gone, that is what was causing the pain before. What could be causing the pain now? When I lay flat on my back, my right lower abdomen is slightly distended. The pain seems to have crept back into my life after this most recent failed cycle. Was it the hormones, if so why is it back now, the hormones should be out of my system by now. Also my cycle is late, or at least late for me, and pregnancy is all but an impossibility this month....you have to have sex or the like for that to happen...nope none this month. This was our "giving ourselves a break" month, no stress, no forced intimacy. We were just plain tired and had lots going on. I did get lucky and my Gen. Practitioner called in a re-fill on some pain meds for me, they don't completely wipe the pain out but it does take the edge off.

December is looking like it will be busier than November. We've decided to wait until January to start another round of fert. meds. The holidays are just too hectic and stressful to add more stress. Plus we are going on vacation at the end of the month....to the happiest place on earth. It should be a blast.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today was a wonderful family, food, fun filled day. We had 24 people at my Mother's house for Thanksgiving.

On the infertility front....well the last cycle of meds ended up empty...again. I thought for sure it had worked, disappointment once again. The RE has not cycles scheduled for November due his family vacation schedule. When I last spoke to him he offered a Dec. cycle or a Jan. cycle. It was early in the morning and I was half asleep when he called. I am fine with waiting till Jan 2009 as we have a busy Dec. planned along with a vacation out of town. I don't need the extra added stress a medicated cycle brings. So Jan. 2009 it is. I am not sure if I understood the RE, but he said something about letting me have one more cycle. Not sure how he said it and if I took it the right way. When I had my surgery he assured us with our Ins. coverage we could do many more super ovulation cycles after I healed. Unfortunately the 1st post-op cycle was a bust and had to be cancelled, so we have only had 1 full super O cycle. I just can't see how he could cut me off without letting us try longer. I get it...I am almost 42 but he says I am a young 42 and my ovarian reserve is within normal limits. I guess it will come down to my powers of persuasion.

Creepy girls on Halloween!!

Another cycle down the drain

It totally sucks....this cycle was a failure, another in a long line of failures. I had such high hopes, felt so positive about this try. We did everything right. I responded well to the meds, hubby and I were extra vigilant with meds and timing. We had Dr. prescribed sex on schedule, and nothing, big fat zero. Time is running out for me, I am starting to feel antsy and harried. The emotional toll this takes on me does not get any better, in fact it seems to be worse, mostly because time is short. I will be 42yrs old in 5 months, something has to give. I am not ready to give up...not sure I ever will be able to give up on my own. I just feel in the deepest part of my heart that we are supposed to get pregnant and have a baby.
Once again, I had a good cry, I'll feel sorry for myself for a few days and bounce back with a positive attitude and keep plugging away towards my dream of being a Mom one more time, making my husband a biological Father for the 1st time.

I have heat

Went to the RE's office today for another ultrasound to check progress of my ovaries and the thickness of my uterine lining. RE takes his normal peek at ovaries....he starts with the right side...the not so important side as there is no tube on that side. I have follicles....a good number of them. Impatient me asks about the left side...the so very important side. His response..."Yep, we have heat". He was pleased, I am responding well to the stimulation, I actually do better on meds. for super - ovulation than I did when doing IVF. It's been 10 months Oct 24th that I smoked my very last cigarette. I miss them sometimes, mostly when I am stressed, the rest of the time I can't stand the smell. I am hoping that the length of smoke free time will increase our chances this month. I have my last 5 units of Lupron in the AM and then my last Follistim injection in the PM. Come Sat. morning, I will be woken up by hubby at 8AM for my HCG in the rump shot. I know, your thinking, "what a wonderful way to wake up" a large jab in the butt by an even bigger needle. At this point in the cycle I get a little weepy, and I am so over being stabbed in the belly with sharp objects. I feel really good about this cycle, in a way I haven't since our very first try. I would hate to jinx myself or get my hopes up to have them dashed to the concrete floor like I jar of pickled eggs in a gas station. How does a person put themselves through all this without hope. Without hope what would be the point. A very fine line we walk to maintain some semblance of sanity.

It's been awhile so here is a random pic:

M & his friend N, photo shoot for School Dance Dept.

For documentation purposes

Well, we are in the midst of another Super Ovulation cycle. This one seems very different than all the others. For one, I made the call to the RE earlier than usual. Usually I wait till my cycle is full on - this time, I called as soon as I started. My baseline levels were great. At my last appt. on Sat. my uterine lining was thicker at that point than in the past....I'm going to take that as a good sign. Follies are developing pretty evenly on each side, but hoping and praying for more on the left as that is where my remaining tube is.
Appt. in the morning, hopefully it will be more good news.
I have been hesitant in posting all this info, when I put it out there I allow myself to hope. I want to hope, it is necessary and healthy to have hope, but I don't want to ignore reality. I don't want to say it out loud...but I feel this cycle could be the one. I say it in my head numerous times a day, but now it's out there, and I just don't want to be a naive fool again, for actually believing in a successful outcome this round. I will admit, with every injection hubby gives me, the desire to continue putting myself through this wanes. I just am tired of getting stuck in my belly fat with a needle twice a day for 9 - 12 days. I want this cycle to be the one sooo bad partly due to the anxiety of these daily injections, I am tired of having a bruised and sore belly. I want a round, tight belly with baby feet kicking me.

Holding steady

I am still in a holding pattern. I received my latest shipment of meds and needles today, just Follistim and 30g needles. Thank goodness our insurance covers my meds. So much has been going on lately, but it just doesn't seem interesting enough to write about. I will anyway, at least some of it.

I may or may not start my period in the next 7 days. My cycle got screwed up due to the abrupt ceasing of meds last month. I had a 2nd period 12 days after the 1st. That sucked royally, but the RE wasn't worried. The over a week ago I had some light brown spotting for less then 24 hours...weird huh. My first thought was another screwed up cycle, then I thought...could it be...implantation bleeding. It is possible, but probably not. This week I have had the worst low dull backache and a heavy achy feeling in my uterine area. My boobs are tender and larger than usual, today I had the smallest tiniest one time spot of pale brown blood. I am not really due to start my period for 5-7 days, but who knows with me. I am exhausted and have a headache that lingers and on and on. See, it could mean something or it could mean nothing. As I sit here and document my thoughts and feelings it makes me feel like I am trying to convince myself I could possibly be pregnant. Then reality sneaks in and reminds me I am 41 yrs old, I have one tube, and our last medicated cycle was a bust. I want so bad to have hope, but hope may lead to disappointment and disappointment leads to a sick crying jag. I just do not feel up for that. Hence the arrival of my meds, it can't hurt to be prepared.

On a lighter note, hubby and I ordered a new bed. It hasn't arrived and we are quivering with excitement at it's impending arrival. Why you ask? Because it is a Temper - Pedic Sleep Number Bed. It has multiple head and foot elevation positions and it vibrates...how cool is that. A tinge of sadness crept in when Hubby told me that one of the reasons he wanted this bed was for my comfort should we become pregnant. So sweet it makes me want to cry.

Our 2nd Anniversary is this month. October 14th, I want to do something special for him but he is soooo difficult to shop for.

It HAS to happen

Not much to write about lately. Well, that is not exactly true. I am now no longer employed...and I love it. Hubby and I worked together for an independently owned and operated company, a large corporation purchased us and unfortunately for me they do not allow family members to be employed based at the same location. Poor Hubby, he was the one who had to inform me. I handled it well at first, then I was sad, then angry, and now...I am loving it.

It is amazing how much you can done at home when you don't work outside the home. Our house is sooo clean. Crazy thing has happened...I have begun to cook again. Sounds crazy that I didn't cook, well, we are always on the go and with Hubby working together it was next to impossible to prepare a meal during the week. Eating out afforded us the opportunity to eat together as a family. M & R are loving eating at home and R loves to help in the kitchen, sometimes she says she wants to be a chef.

My stress level is much lower, amazing considering the financial state of our country. Fortunately, Hubby never factored my income into our family budget, everything is based solely on his income. For now I will enjoy the freedom to run my house and spend time with the kids like I have always wanted. My whole family has stated they would prefer me not work, they like me better this way. Back to the lower stress level, after the failed cycle my next period started 12 days after the initial one. Had a visit with the RE and he said that the abrupt stop of the Lupron screwed up my cycle and the bottom fell out....literally. It has been forever since I had a period that severe. The RE asked me to wait for another cycle before we start the med. process again, in the meantime we used this cycle to try on our own. A girl has to have her hopes and dreams, who knows, less stress may mean success.

My desire to have a child with my hubby has not diminished with time, in fact as I age I feel the tug at my heart increasing. I live with the thoughts that "It just HAS to happen".

It's a bust

This cycle ended up a complete wipeout. The leading follicle just wanted to show off. I went in this morning for and ultrasound and we discovered I had ovulated. Two eggs, one from each ovary. Bloodwork confirmed ovulation day as Sunday. We will still give it the old college try, but I don't have much hope for success. The plan is to start all over with my next cycle.

I am extremely disappointed and frustrated, wasted time, wasted meds., and wasted mental stress. I stayed home, cleaned house and took a nap. I just wasn't up for much human contact outside of my immediate family.