For documentation purposes

Well, we are in the midst of another Super Ovulation cycle. This one seems very different than all the others. For one, I made the call to the RE earlier than usual. Usually I wait till my cycle is full on - this time, I called as soon as I started. My baseline levels were great. At my last appt. on Sat. my uterine lining was thicker at that point than in the past....I'm going to take that as a good sign. Follies are developing pretty evenly on each side, but hoping and praying for more on the left as that is where my remaining tube is.
Appt. in the morning, hopefully it will be more good news.
I have been hesitant in posting all this info, when I put it out there I allow myself to hope. I want to hope, it is necessary and healthy to have hope, but I don't want to ignore reality. I don't want to say it out loud...but I feel this cycle could be the one. I say it in my head numerous times a day, but now it's out there, and I just don't want to be a naive fool again, for actually believing in a successful outcome this round. I will admit, with every injection hubby gives me, the desire to continue putting myself through this wanes. I just am tired of getting stuck in my belly fat with a needle twice a day for 9 - 12 days. I want this cycle to be the one sooo bad partly due to the anxiety of these daily injections, I am tired of having a bruised and sore belly. I want a round, tight belly with baby feet kicking me.

I hate doubt

I hate feeling doubt and confusion. It seems to be invoking much internal anxiety for me, to have the surgery, to not have the surgery. Can we try to conceive without assistance? How long should we try without going back for assistance? What kind of assistance should we pursue? Is IVF the right choice? Is the cost not really worth the risk of failure? Can I handle another failed IVF? All of these questions are bouncing around in my brain all day and night. It makes me feel super emotional and its hard to function like this.

We went to look at an SUV for our son today, he's only 15yrs old but we are looking for a vehicle for him already. Unfortunately it was not in good shape like we hoped, we have time though. Buying a decent, reliable, safe vehicle is important to us as we don't want to worry anymore than necessary. Some people may think that that makes my son spoiled, but really buying him a vehicle is beneficial to us as parents also. I don't always have the time to do all the taxi driving that my children need. I cannot wait till he gets his full license.

My dearest daughter has recently gotten super motivated about dance due to the prospect of getting on pointe this summer. She has old pointe shoes from some girls at our studio and she plays around in her room with them. Now she has taken an interest in improving her skills and doing her own choreography and videoing it for herself. She's only 10 yrs old so its nice to see this level of maturity in her. We are also facing some typical pre-teen hormone stuff, moody, body development and changes. Its not fun so far, I never anticipated this with her as she has been so mellow her whole life. The poor men in our home, two hormonal ladies living with them...LOL

I have SIN

Yep, I have SIN ....salpingitis isthmica nodosa of my right fallopian tube. I knew something was there, I knew it. Two days pre-op when meeting with the RE he point blank told me that we were probably wasting our time and that the only thing he anticipated finding was a little endo. Boy was he wrong...he actually called my hubby from the OR ask him if he should remove the tube now or wake me and do it later. Hubby and RE and I had discussed and decided that unless it was life or death that nothing would be removed except scar tissue or endo. So hubby told him no, to wake me. I don't remember much, but hubby says that RE told him after surgery..."Well, it wasn't in her head."...Duh...it was in my tube. So I have this SIN and its at the point where the Fallopian tube meets my uterus. It is large and it is causing me pain. We are pretty sure it is the result of the cornual pregnancy from 2yrs ago. Usually they result from an infection and with the fetal tissue that was left in there for 2 months I would not be shocked if it didn't cause an infection. My SIN is very maze like inside the nodule. At this point aside from the pain this SIN can cause infertility, preventing the egg and sperm from meeting, it increases my chances of an ectopic pregnancy. I have to wonder if that's why we have not conceived yet, has God been protecting us due to this SIN? I have to ask the RE if getting pregnant while having this would cause a this thing to rupture, maybe we have to have it removed before we are blessed with a pregnancy. My post-op appt. is tomorrow and I am anxious and looking forward to it at the same time. I have so many questions, I am grateful that I got answers from the surgery, even if I am not happy about the answers. I am glad to confirm that I am not crazy and the pain was not in my head. Can I just interject that I had no idea that Lap. surgery was so painful after the fact and how horrible my belly-button would look and feel. The incision in my pubic hair-line is minor and healing well with only minor soreness, my belly-button is a completely different story. It is bruised, swollen and super-glued shut, not a pretty sight, even my kids think it's gross. I will probably have to have this tube removed and that sucks big time. It can decrease the chances of our ability to conceive naturally, like old eggs and being 41 isn't enough . I just feel like I keep getting kicked in the teeth. I am not sure how a tubal removal effects our conception plans in the short or long term. What about IVF? Will this increase or decrease our chances of success? It is soooo imperative to me to preserve my fertility at this point. I mean I quit smoking, made healthier changed to my diet and lifestyle, its time, I am soooo ready for all this pain, surgery, etc to be over and to get back on track to making a baby.

I will update after I have my post-op appt. and have had the chance to digest all the info.

Here's another random photo:

My nephew (left) my son (right) jammin out in the driveway with family in the garage. We had a family cook-out for my son's birthday and it was a blast.

The beginning again

Well, the beginning is here again. I called the RE's office and confirmed that we wanted to accept their offer to move up our IVF to January 2008. They sent me a letter with a prescription for my birth control pills as my friend the period will undoubtedly start while we are in Maine next week. Speaking of Maine did I mention that I hate flying....I mean really hate it. Anxiety was upon me as I tried to go to sleep last night. How sad is that...my heart was pounding with the rush of adrenaline just thinking about getting on a plane. I mean who voluntarily goes to Maine in the winter? What is my dear husband thinking, taking me, I confirmed Southern girl to the most freezing place in my imagination. Anyway back to IVF, I start the pill on the 2nd day of my period and continue taking it till Jan 6. In the meantime we have our IVF consult on Dec 20th to get all the nitty-gritty info. My letter says they will do a trial retrieval then...what the heck is that. Oh, I know, another opportunity to put me through more pain....cause you know I am a glutton for pain, otherwise why would I continue to subject myself to this torture. I am assuming they will let me know what meds, doses and when I will start using these implements of torture. Oh the joy of having needles stabbed into my stomach at least twice a day....what a way to wake up. I have also read of some kind of oily progesterone shot I might have to get. Everything I read tells me that it's going to be awful. But I have convinced myself up to this point that it will all be worth it in the long run. Ask me later this month if that's still the case. Flip side...what if it doesn't work, then what? Will I be able to say it was worth it just to try and still end up with no baby? I am not sure about that. I have always been a "Failure is not an option" kind of person, but realistically I know that failure is out there and there are no guarantees that this will work. Some people really do all the right things and still end up with empty arms and no baby. For us adoption is something we have ruled out, don't get me wrong, I admire the people that adopt and the people that give their baby up for adoption. But for us, well we have set our limits financially and emotionally and at this point in time we are sticking with them. So now I count down the days till I start the pill.