I might be a starfish

I am probably the most boring blogger in the universe, but I swear the weirdest things happen to my body. I have been having my lower right abdominal pain for several weeks now. I had the most hellish period in the world, 7 days late. Impossible to be pregnant, according to the RE my period was late due to crazy hormones wreaking havoc on my body. The thing is, this pain is the exact pain I experienced which led to Lap. surgery for diagnosis. I had Salpingitis Isthmica Nudosa (can't even remember the spelling). My right tube was removed in June 2008. I am thinking I might be a starfish and maybe my tube is growing back....LOL. Okay, I know realistically that is not possible, but it sounds good. How can I have pain in the exact same spot where my tube was but is not now. I have the exact same pain symptoms. I wish I could see what was going on inside there, but that wont happen unless I am willing to have a hysterectomy, and that is not an option right now.

We are waiting till January to start our next medicated cycle, in the meantime we will be trying on our own this month. The mental and physical strain of all these failed treatments is wearing on me. I was so optimistic about success when we began this journey with our RE 2 years ago. With each failed cycle it is harder to bounce back and think positively. I just expect failure, I guess as a way to protect myself and it's not working for me anymore. My heart breaks each month, yet I can't help but feel in the deepest part of me that I am going to get pregnant and we will have a baby. How can I shake that feeling if it is false?

The kids will be spending the 1st half of their Christmas break with their Dad, it's his actual Christmas this year. It's ok, I have them the 2nd half and we have a fun vacation trip planned, but I will miss them terribly, it makes the empty uterus that much more painful.

M practicing a lift for Holiday Show

Surgery continued

Ok, so I left off with me undergoing surgery. (Insert elevator music here) Time passed and Walaaa...I am in recovery. It's mostly a blurr but I do have some memories, I remember my nurse checking on me, asking me how I felt, putting a nasal canal up my nose (those pronged nose thingys) to increase my O2 intake. She encouraged me to take periodic deep breaths to help me wake up and get the anesthesia out of my system, I received IV pain meds (love them) and she took my leads (sticky round things for monitoring) off my chest. In the middle of all this I keep hearing murmurs of talk regarding a bad storm and tornadoes. Huh...tornadoes, I then strained my ears to hear a torrent of rain in the background and realize from chatter that the hospital has lost power and is on generator power at this point...must be why I was so warm. I try asking my nurse about the storm and she confirms this and removes one of my blankets at my request. In my groggy state I grow concerned for my kids, they are at home and this storm is bad based on what I am hearing....a tornado touched down about 5 miles from the hospital. My kids are 15 yrs & 10 yrs with a 14 yr old nephew and 11 yr old niece also at home, so they are ok on their own, yet my motherly concern was in gear. My nurse tries to calm me and tells me that they will be moving me to my room soon. My IV meds were kicking in by this point and I am like...ok whatever. I had no idea what time it was, and from this point on I was in and out. Next thing I know the nurse is telling me we are going to my room, huh...my room, this was a day surgery procedure I am supposed to go home. Nope, she tells me that the Dr. wants to keep my overnight to monitor me for bleeding (more on this later). Fine with me, more IV meds...LOL

I get to my room about 5pm and get situated and get more meds and then hubby shows up, he had already checked in while I was in recovery (I have no memory of this) and then he went home to check on the kids because of the storm. Fortunately all was well, just a little nerves on the two younger ones part. I ask hubby to explain why I am staying overnight and he gives me the lowdown. The surgery went well, Dr. was able to do it completely by scope. He went in thru my belly - button and 3 small incisions right above my pubic area. Let me explain a little about my SIN (salpingitis isthmicus nodusa) - it caused diverticulitis where my tube enters the uterus (the cornua), it also grew into the lining somewhat. Unlike a fibroid that has defined borders the SIN is more like grass sod, it grows into the lining and it is difficult to find a plane to excise on. My Dr. made an educated decision to cut a little past the edge of the SIN nodule and ended up cutting 4cm into the 7cm depth of my uterus without entering the uterine cavity. He then layered my uterus to get good closure added some meds to the actual uterine incision area and decided that he did not want to risk sending me home in case of hemorrhaging. I wise decision I think. I was extremely sore and very tired and slept for most of hubby's stay. My best friend stopped by, I slept through that and then my son, his girlfriend and my nephew stopped by after dinner and brought me the most beautiful orange and yellow Gerber daisies. My daughter called me to check on me, she decided to spend the night at my sister's with my niece (she is not a hospital fan, hence the call instead of a visit). After everyone else left hubby stayed to help me to the bathroom to pee....not fun, my bladder was numb, it took forever and I cried. Hubby and the nurse tried to get me to eat .... tip...a regular diet is not recommended several hours after surgery. It made me nauseous just smelling it and 2 small bites made me spit...I had to rinse my mouth out and use the little hospital spit tray they give you...food was not my friend at this point...I cried again. Hubby sat with me and held my hand and then I shooed him home, I had a comfy hospital bed, a great nurse, wonderful meds and he needed sleep. About 10pm my nurse was kind enough to bring me some soup and I was able to eat about half of it. My night was pretty uneventful, I was able to get up and to the bathroom by myself, slowly dragging my IV pole with me. I hate asking for help. They kept my meds coming on schedule so my pain was manageable and I was able to sleep in between. I was lucky they didn't bother me too much during the night.

I woke early the next morning due to a blood draw to make sure all my levels were good with no internal bleeding. Ate a little breakfast and slept some more. After getting a good check to make sure all was as it should be I was discharged about noon. Hubby took me home and got me settled with my bedside table stocked with fresh water and meds, my cell phones and the remote for the TV. Hubby really had to go to the office, its only 5 minutes from the house, but my son was there and he checked on me hourly and even helped me up to go pee. Getting out of my bed at home was much more work than the one at the hospital even with all the pillows propping me up. My stomach was sooooo sore and my stomach muscles (little that I have) were just not willing to assist in my attempts to get in and out of bed without assistance. That's what big strong 6'1", 15 yr old sons are for. To help their old, sore, recovering Mom's get up to pee.

So as far as surgery goes that's it in a boring 2 part nutshell. Everything went well with no complications. My uterus was preserved for hopeful future use. Pain is mostly mild to moderate depending on my med level and exertion, which is minimal at best. Next up, recovery and my post - op appointment with the RE to get the skinny on my surgery, the pathology report on my tube and our future in conception.

My surgery

Let's see if I can get this written in one sitting. Last Thursday, June 19th, was the dreaded day. We had to report to the hospital at 8:30am, I let admissions know I was there and then we sat...and sat..and sat. Finally at 9:45am they were ready to take me back for pre-op. Normally they ask your support person (my hubby) to wait in the waiting area until they have the patient settled and then they allow them back to sit with the patient until surgery time. I had a not so pleasant experience last time we were there in April 2008 for my diagnostic Lap. surgery. My nurse just didn't listen to me. The lady that took me back was sweet and understood and let my hubby come with me...yeah. So back we go and it looks like I will be getting the same nurse as before....BOO!!!, she peeks her head in and hubby & I swear she remembered me. Next thing I know I have a different nurse...Yeah!!! Assumptions were confirmed, other nurse told her about my veins and how I am not a big fan of using drinking straw size needles to start an IV. I have good veins, but they are not huge, most nurses salivate when they see my veins, I could be a great junky...if I didn't hate needles so much. Anyway, hubby and I came prepared with our own tote bag for my belongings and his book, etc but we used their stylish plastic bag to store my clothes. You see, by the time they brought me back they were in a hurry, everyone was behind. I had to strip, pee in a cup (mandatory pg test) and get in the bed. I was given a lovely cap to contain my long silken hair...Ha! Shout out to my nurse Shanna!!! She was the most amazing IV put-er in-er. A quick lydocaine stick (their policy) and then she was in, no pain, it was awesome. We met with the anesthesiologist, he made us both feel very comfortable. Met with the Dr. went over procedure, I wrote on my tummy with sharpie and drew an arrow with a smiley face pointing to my belly-button ( Fix this :) --------> as my belly-button was less then stellar after the last procedure. RE had actually asked me to do this so he would be reminded. I call both my kids to tell them I love them and my bestest nurse Shanna comes in and gives me a wonderful does of Versed (sp?) and as I begin to feel fabulous its time to go to the OR. Hubby kisses me, tells me he loves me and assures me that all will be well.

It is so weird to be wheeled into the OR awake, they always look like they do on TV and that always surprises me...every time. I am schooched over onto the OR table, given a mask, told to breathe and relax, assured that all will be well...again....and that's it for me.

And now that's it for me tonight, my pain meds are kicking in and that is not conducive to typing. I guess that means I will be continuing this saga later. Da da da (dramatic continuation music plays)

Pre - Op

Today was my pre - op appt. with my RE, they guy who is doing my surgery. I know it might sound kooky but I always have fun when I go to his office. He is beyond brilliant, sooo super smart that he is funny. So I take a rest with both my feet in one stirrup in a lovely paper gown with a matching paper lap blanket and wearing nothing else. Hello!!!...it's cold in here, I'd be warmer if I could just make a small bon-fire out of my paper finery. It was so cold that Personally I think having to lay on your back with your legs spread and feet in stirrups is bad enough, you'd think they would provide some warmer attire. I digress .... the RE comes in and we proceed to take a look - see at my uterus from the inside out. All is as it should be, except my bleeding is a little heavier at this point than he would like pre-operatively, so if by 12pm Wed. I am still bleeding I am to slap 2 estrogen patches on my butt and wear them till I go into the hospital for surgery on Thurs.

I was able to ask about the bc pills and how they affect my salpingitis and the pain. He confirmed what I thought all along, the bc pills or mainly the progesterone in the bc pills aggravate the salpingitis, therefore making my pain levels rise. He said he did not believe that the salpingitis has not prevented implantation of a pregnancy, but due to the diverticulitis hubby's sperm and my egg just might not be meeting in the tube. Ok, so now what, the tube will be gone, thus eliminating my pain but without the tube where are the sperm and egg supposed to hook up? Around the corner at the other tube you say, ok, so why hasn't that happened already. Funnily enough he said that pregnancy usually calms the salpingitis, ie it is not aggravated and causing me pain. Ironic, pregnancy would help ease my pain, yet I haven't been able to achieve that.

After my exam we met in his office to go over the planned procedure (Laproscopic) and discuss all risks. Not a fun, but a necessary conversation. He laughed and said he needed to admit something. He said he only did the diagnostic Lap. surgery in April because I demanded it. He truly did not believe he would find anything wrong. My HSG, and the many many ultra-sounds had all shown everything within normal limits. He said when he saw the salpingitis on my tube, he looked around the drape at me and said " Damn!...she wasn't crazy after all." LOL ... Some people might not see the humor in this, I did, because I know him and know it was not intended as an insult. He said I have to give you this one, you knew your body even if all other diagnostics said otherwise. The plan is to do the complete removal and resection with the scope, with 3 tiny incisions in my pubic area and one through my belly-button. If he can't control bleeding he will cut me open like a c-section procedure. He does not anticipate that happening as he does not believe that the salpingitis infiltrates my actual uterine cavity. Worst case scenario, besides death (not gonna happen) is losing my uterus to uncontrollable bleeding. I am not too worried, I have Faith in my RE but most importantly God. Right now it will day surgery, and recovery at home for 1 week barring no complications.

OOOO... I showed the RE my belly-button and the protrusion he left me with. I explained that my Mom made my belly - button (I was an unplanned homebirth) and he messed it up. He laughed and told me to write with a sharpie on my stomach and put an arrow pointing to my belly- button with the words "Fix me" so that he doesn't forget....LOL. I plan on doing just that and will post a lovely picture. We also discussed future fertility only vaguely, basically we want me to heal and then come in for a re - group. At this point, I am want my FSH tests and other blood work repeated once I heal so that we can see where we are at and go from there. I told him I still want a baby with hubby, and am willing to give it my all, but I refuse to make myself insane in the process.

So, we are all good and ready to go. My pain seems to be worse everyday, so I am actually looking forward to this procedure. I have thoughts on my peaceful state at this point, with infertility, my surgery etc, but I will save that for another time.

Surgery looming

The surgery to remove my right fallopian tube is scheduled for Thursday. I am facing it with mixed emotions. I am ready for the pain to stop, but I am afraid. Part of me wonders if the bc pills have exacerbated this salpingitis. I never had this much pain until the 1st time on the bc pills for our IVF in January. The pain has been pretty unrelenting since, but this is the 3rd time I will have been on those stupid pills. Believe me the irony is not lost on me. 3 of the last 6 months I have been on the bc pills. Please explain how that helps a 41yr old woman conceive.....it doesn't. I don't think my body has had a break since January, with all the hormones for the IVF and then the meds for the 1st surgery and now again for this surgery. It takes the body a chance to regulate itself and to get rid of all those hormones before it will allow a pregnancy to take. At this point I just want the pain to end and I want to be pregnant with a healthy baby on the way. Maybe I am spoiled, I was able to get pregnant as planned when I wanted with my other 2 children, and I truly believed that it wouldn't be any different this time. We have only been trying for 3 years, and with assistance for about 1 yr 1/2, seems like forever to me. I know there are many women who have been trying for much longer and with no success. I just don't know how they do it, the constant failures get to me and make me want to throw in the towel. I want a child with my husband, but I would like to retain a small semblance of my sanity if possible.

The above was on my mind more than usual, if that is possible because we ran into my OB/Gyn at dinner tonight. After all we have been through we have a great patient/Dr. relationship. We spoke and I updated him on my upcoming surgery, Hubby filled him in with the details as I was being introduced to his wife. My Mother was with us and she and his wife used to work together, they are both nurses. In November 2007 they had boy/girl twins conceived on the 3rd round of IVF. They are thriving now, but were born at 25 weeks gestation. In the past my Dr. has told me how scary having preemies was considering the shoe was on the other foot for him. He has delivered many preemies and dealt with a myriad of pregnancy complications, in other women. It was a whole nother ballgame when it was his wife and his babies. They used the same RE for their fertility treatments but she obviously chose a different OB. Speaking with his wife about her journey with infertility and eventual success made me believe IT could happen for us too. I am just tired of the disappointment.

Random pic: Son at ballet, he can almost fly....

Infertility

This blog started as a way for me to document my thoughts, feeling and events regarding my journey with secondary infertility. I feel like I have gotten off track lately. Explanation...I took myself off the path of infertility for a bit...for my sanity. Infertility is still there and it rears its head every month, but with the pain, Lap surgery I had to remove myself somewhat. I just could not deal with infertility every day. Maybe it's because I already have two children, some may not agree, but the desperation for one more child is very real. I know what I am missing out on if I never get pregnant again. I don't want to miss that, but then again I have been evaluating where I am and the very real possibility that it might not happen for us. As hard as it is I have to face that and come up with a game plan for my mental health if that happens. Flip side ~ I cannot afford to lose myself in this pursuit ~ I have two children that still need me as a presence in their lives. I can't be absent from them in trying to create a possibility.
I am coming to terms that I may never get to be a Mom again. I am trying to be OK with it and try it on for size.
We are not ready to give up yet and refuse to make any decisions until after I have healed from my upcoming tube removal. Who knows maybe once this is over we may conceive all on our own ~ stranger things have happened. We may continue to try with medical intervention, great or small. Or we may just stop. Either way I can't focus on it too much at this time so I instead choose to redirect my attentions to other things.

In the meantime my fallopian tube pain is back ..... again...bad. It sucks eggs big time and I am at the point where I cannot wait for this surgery. I am ready to be pain-free. Hubby and I have come to the conclusion that the bc pills seem to exacerbate this SIN ( salpinitis isthmica nodosa ). I seems it is most intense when I am on the pill (prior to surgery or IVF) that it is the worst. I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything else like this.

I have SIN

Yep, I have SIN ....salpingitis isthmica nodosa of my right fallopian tube. I knew something was there, I knew it. Two days pre-op when meeting with the RE he point blank told me that we were probably wasting our time and that the only thing he anticipated finding was a little endo. Boy was he wrong...he actually called my hubby from the OR ask him if he should remove the tube now or wake me and do it later. Hubby and RE and I had discussed and decided that unless it was life or death that nothing would be removed except scar tissue or endo. So hubby told him no, to wake me. I don't remember much, but hubby says that RE told him after surgery..."Well, it wasn't in her head."...Duh...it was in my tube. So I have this SIN and its at the point where the Fallopian tube meets my uterus. It is large and it is causing me pain. We are pretty sure it is the result of the cornual pregnancy from 2yrs ago. Usually they result from an infection and with the fetal tissue that was left in there for 2 months I would not be shocked if it didn't cause an infection. My SIN is very maze like inside the nodule. At this point aside from the pain this SIN can cause infertility, preventing the egg and sperm from meeting, it increases my chances of an ectopic pregnancy. I have to wonder if that's why we have not conceived yet, has God been protecting us due to this SIN? I have to ask the RE if getting pregnant while having this would cause a this thing to rupture, maybe we have to have it removed before we are blessed with a pregnancy. My post-op appt. is tomorrow and I am anxious and looking forward to it at the same time. I have so many questions, I am grateful that I got answers from the surgery, even if I am not happy about the answers. I am glad to confirm that I am not crazy and the pain was not in my head. Can I just interject that I had no idea that Lap. surgery was so painful after the fact and how horrible my belly-button would look and feel. The incision in my pubic hair-line is minor and healing well with only minor soreness, my belly-button is a completely different story. It is bruised, swollen and super-glued shut, not a pretty sight, even my kids think it's gross. I will probably have to have this tube removed and that sucks big time. It can decrease the chances of our ability to conceive naturally, like old eggs and being 41 isn't enough . I just feel like I keep getting kicked in the teeth. I am not sure how a tubal removal effects our conception plans in the short or long term. What about IVF? Will this increase or decrease our chances of success? It is soooo imperative to me to preserve my fertility at this point. I mean I quit smoking, made healthier changed to my diet and lifestyle, its time, I am soooo ready for all this pain, surgery, etc to be over and to get back on track to making a baby.

I will update after I have my post-op appt. and have had the chance to digest all the info.

Here's another random photo:

My nephew (left) my son (right) jammin out in the driveway with family in the garage. We had a family cook-out for my son's birthday and it was a blast.

So much to tell...but I'm tired

I'm tired and overwhelmed. Surgery went well, meaning no complications and I am recovering. I received my answers and will go into detail at a later time. I'm tired from surgery, recovery, family visits, a party for the kids dance team tomorrow and the end of Spring Break with school starting on Monday> I am so not looking forward to school starting again. I am soooooo ready for summer, I am ready to feel better, I am ready to work part-time, I am ready to get pregnant and have a healthy enjoyable pregnancy that leads to a happy, healthy baby.
The news from my surgery answers my questions, and its not life threatening so that's good, but the answers were not what I was hoping for and it may alter our plans to try and conceive or it may be the answer as to why we haven't conceived and the resolution may help us conceive. I am slowing accepting that it is really in God's hands and I just have to have Faith.

Surgery tomorrow

Well, actually its today because its after midnight as I type this. Both kids went to spend the night with their best friends tonight. Even though they are both old enough to be home together without an adult its nice for them to be distracted with friends while I go for surgery. Plus they will have a ride to dance. My Mom took tomorrow off so she could be there for my surgery and to help with the kids if we need it.

I had my prescriptions filled today, an antibiotic (doxicycline) and percocet for pain. I really hope the pain wont be that bad. It's been weird, for about a week my pain has been kind of far off and now right before surgery it's been back for about 3 days. I am sooooo ready for some kind of answer.

My desire to get pregnant has had to take a backseat due to all the pain issues I have been dealing with for the past 2 months. I cannot believe that it has been almost 3 months since our IVF. The pain of the failure has lessened but the desire to get pregnant and have a healthy baby is still strong. I haven't allowed myself the opportunity to dwell on it at this point in the process. Who knows, maybe this break from all treatments will be beneficial for our next efforts at conception. We would love to conceive all by ourselves, but I am ready and willing to try super ovulation a few more times or IVF one more time, we can't afford more than one more try, unless we have frozen embies that we could try with. I am hoping and praying that my stopping smoking awhile back and the surgery and the general health improvements I have made will increase our chances. Seeing a pregnant lady at Target today made me wistful, her belly was so round and she just glowed. I want that.

Say a prayer for me, a successful and safe surgery.

Off the subject ~ I have enjoyed adding pictures to my post so I have decided to randomly add them when the whim hits, and I feel a whim.



This is the fort in our backyard...very cool huh.
It played a large part in our decision to purchase our home. It is massive and all the kids love it, so do most of the parents that see it.