The pain

I have no idea why, but my right side pain is back even worse than ever. The tube is gone, that is what was causing the pain before. What could be causing the pain now? When I lay flat on my back, my right lower abdomen is slightly distended. The pain seems to have crept back into my life after this most recent failed cycle. Was it the hormones, if so why is it back now, the hormones should be out of my system by now. Also my cycle is late, or at least late for me, and pregnancy is all but an impossibility this month....you have to have sex or the like for that to happen...nope none this month. This was our "giving ourselves a break" month, no stress, no forced intimacy. We were just plain tired and had lots going on. I did get lucky and my Gen. Practitioner called in a re-fill on some pain meds for me, they don't completely wipe the pain out but it does take the edge off.

December is looking like it will be busier than November. We've decided to wait until January to start another round of fert. meds. The holidays are just too hectic and stressful to add more stress. Plus we are going on vacation at the end of the month....to the happiest place on earth. It should be a blast.

A new cycle

Today was the beginning of super ovulation #5. and cycle day 3. The appt. with the RE went well, I have one follicle that is ahead of the other's. It is on my right ovary, wont do me much good as there is no tube on that side. The plan is to get the other 8 or so follicles to catch up so we can get some good ones on the left side. Had my blood work and off to work I went. Tick - tock, time to pick up my kids for a trip to the Ped. for some immunizations, and physical for R. She is such a little lady, 4'11" and 71 lbs, she was terrified to get her shots but she was a trooper and did well. In the meantime I received a call from the RE's office, my estrogen level is in the low 90's, not really that great, it should be in 40's to low 50's. We decided since Insurance covers this 100% to just go for it and see what is going on come Friday. If it seems like its headed wrong due to the one big follicle we will tank the cycle and wait till next month in hopes of avoiding a cyst.

We started with 5 units of Lupron and 360 units of Follistim injections. And we are off.....

A great day

My children are with their Father this weekend. He came in town to visit before school starts. Every year for the past 8 some odd years I have paid for all school clothes and he has helped with some of the school supplies. Yesterday he offered to pay for all school clothes and said I could get the supplies this year. I am grateful as the clothes are more expensive. I have never sought an increase in support even though I am entitled and he makes considerably more money than I do, I'm only a tad bitter at this point so it means all the more that he stepped up this year.

So why was today a great day? Well, hubby let me sleep in for a bit then we got up and went out and grabbed a quick breakfast at Starbucks and we were off to shop for us. I am so excited, we bought 2 new sets of sheets and a new comforter set for our bed. I love them they are beautiful and soft and comfy. At the linen store we bought new towels, we all like big towels and we got hand towels and wash cloths to match, pretty cool. They are nice and fluffy and super absorbent.

Then we headed to the mall for some wandering. I picked up a Batman shirt for M and a Twilight shirt for R. I found 2 amazing pairs of jeans that fit perfectly (we all know how rare that can be). We ate lunch at Starbucks ( broccoli & cheese strata for me and artichoke & spinach for hubby). I needed a new bottle of my perfume (Chanel Chance) can't live without the stuff. Then we headed over to Best Buy, we needed an external hard-drive to transfer some things to from our work computers. I have quite a large collection of pictures and some personal documents I want to keep when the company sells. We picked up a few movies and then headed to the Lowes. Hubby got a work bench type thing and some pad things to put on the legs of R's bed. Then we hit the next mall. We wandered (got our exercise) and then hit Target to pick-up my Dr. Pepper and some bath gel for M. By this point we were both exhausted so we headed home, took the dog out and we both laid down and snuggled up for a very long nap. Woke up and talked to the kids for a few and then headed to Waffle House for a late dinner. HAHA...sounds fancy huh. Actually the food was really good, it's near our house and it's open late. We ran to Walmart to pick up a new mattress pad for our bed as ours was ugh, came home made up the bed took showers and settled in for the night. The best part of the day - spending time together, alone, very rare for us and a blessed opportunity.

On the fertility front we are still in a holding pattern. I am supposed to call the Dr. when I have my next cycle which should show up in about 4 - 6 days. We had unprotected sex around ovulation time in spite of what the Dr. ordered. Why risk it? Uh....I am 41 yrs old, I have 1 fallopian tube, and almost 2 years of injectible fertility treatments have left me with an empty uterus. I figured, fat chance we will conceive so why not throw caution to the wind. I did buy some new vitamins from the GNC store. They are supposed to help women's fertility health. You are supposed to take 3 a day, I am working my way up, started with 1 a day, now at 2. Figured it would be best to make sure I had no reactions to the meds. They have additional herbal supplements, no problems so far but it is supposed to take 3 months to notice a difference. Whatever. We saw the cutest toddler girl in the mall today, I wanted her, but hubby pointed out she was holding her Mom's hand and he didn't think that her Mom would give her to us. Oh well, I guess we keep waiting and try on our own until we get the ok to start injectibles again with timed intercourse. I almost forgot, I was able to pull out 1 of my 2 spitting belly button stitches and then a few minutes ago I pulled out 1 of 3 spitting ab stitches. I was soo excited. As of tonight I am still having the phantom fallopian tube pain, it seems less, hopefully it is still healing pain.

Photo: R after ballet camp with the Hermitage Ballet....isn't she lovely.

Nothing much

Nothing much seems to be going on with me, which I am taking to be a good thing. I have intermittent pain, but it seems to be less and last for shorter periods of time. Now we all know that since I just typed that sentence the pain is going to come back with a vengeance and kick my ass, cause that's how life is. I know I can't be the only one that is annoyed with the recent spate of celebrity conceptions. We have Rebecca Romijn and Jennifer Garner to just name two. Jen is probably a great Mom, I actually smile when I see pics of her and her daughter, she seems very involved. Rebecca, I think it annoys me because of Jerry's comments regarding their attempts at conception. He was so cavalier, who knows, maybe it was his attempt to mask the pain of infertility. Internet rumors point to assisted reproduction for them, if that's the case I am sorry they had to resort to AR, but you know, it sucks that people like that can try and try with no thought to expense. Flip side, as a former fertile now facing age related infertility some might say I should shut up and be grateful for the 2 children I have and to accept what I have and not be greedy. Sometimes I think many of us infertiles see a pregnant woman or a woman with a child and we automatically feel jealousy and dislike. I know until the other day after much thought, I never considered how that woman became a Mom. Maybe it took many years, tears, and lots of money. Maybe she had to use donor eggs or sperm, maybe she lost friends, family, or her marriage in the process to become a Mom. It might seem easy for me to say these things, but it's not, my heart still aches for a child with my husband. I still cry every time I start my period. I count the days till my hoped for ovulation, praying that this months egg is not to old and that it's released on the side that still has a tube.
Long commercial break there, I'm back.
I had a crappy day at work today. It started off great, mainly because I had an amazing weekend with my family. I swear I walk into that place and it immediately sucks the life out of you. It's not the job, it's the people. They are complacent, apathetic, lackadaisical...and on and on. Five years later and it is no better. I love my job, I get to work with my husband, we are a great team. That is main problem. We were not involved when I began working there, he hired me and a little more than 3 years later I married the boss (hubby). We have employees that cannot handle that. These people are intimidated and fearful that I have the inside track on the inner workings of the company. Yep, I do, it's a perk to being the bosses wife. Fortunately the owners of the company trust hubby's discretionary judgement as far as company info goes. Too bad for others. I refuse to betray the trust of my husband and the owners just to make other people comfortable. I know this is rambly, but it was so bad I had to leave the office for about 2 hours today to re-group and calm down. I am unfortunately subjected to the attempted sabotage of co-workers on a daily basis. Being Caesar's wife sucks sometimes.

Woo Hoo, I am on a roll...children mentioned

A posting roll that is. It might be because my favorite spot lately has been my bed and I sit here comfortably propped up with mmmm....5 pillows in various configurations for maximum comfort. Hubby has a small slice of bed left. Speaking of hubby...it was his Birthday Friday, Happy 48th Birthday Stud!!!

I mentioned in an earlier post that I had my post - op appointment this past Tues. Physically I am doing well, all my little external scars are healing nicely. Since I have had no complications we are assuming that my insides are healing also. I am still sore, mostly toward the end of the day. Ok, back on track, after a once over by the Dr. we proceed into this "Office" to have a look at my lovely pictures from surgery and go over everything. I must say I have a beautiful uterus. My poor right tube, it was perfect except for that SIN...Dr. said he tried to think of a way to save the tube as it was in great shape, but the SIN was right at the connecting point of the uterus and the tube and there was no way to take it off, remove the SIN and then reattach without the serious possibility of major scar tissue that could either cause another cornual pregnancy or my pain would just come back with worse complications for the future. My RE knows how important it is to preserve my fertility to the utmost so he was conservative. He said my ovaries look great, my uterus is great with no damage to the inner sanctum and my other tube is perfect. He felt really good about my surgery and the outcome. Talk then turned to future conception. He was adamant that we do everything possible to avoid pregnancy for the next 2 months. He said it was very important for me to be truly physically healed before we try conceiving at all. A pregnancy before the 2 months is up could be dangerous to my uterus. Hubby and I agree even if waiting 2 more months sucks. I am not getting any younger here. I asked him what my options were, etc. He was straight up honest....he does not feel the need to run any more "fertility tests", he says he knows exactly how my body responds to the meds so that is not an issue. A few months ago, before my surgery he was leaning toward another IVF round for us, now he is discouraging us from the route. First off he went on to tell us his personal experience with his wife and her hysterectomy. He is the one that persuaded her to put it off , she had issues with her periods (painful, excessive bleeding, etc). He was not sure he was ready to give up on trying to have more children (they have 2 boys). He said he just could not bring himself to take the baby furniture down and put it away for good. He feels like he made his wife suffer longer than she should have before they finally made peace with her need for her surgery. Hubby and I thought he was about to cry as he told us this, we feel very lucky to have such a good relationship with our RE and his staff, he was truly speaking from the heart, not just as a Dr. He asked us to take the next 2 months as I heal physically and to really think about whether we want to continue this path of trying to conceive. He said unfortunately the one problem I have is the one problem he can't fix....my age. I ovulate on my own, and respond well to the meds, my eggs fertilize, they just peter out when it comes to division....just like me they hate math. He said that if we still want to pursue assisted reproduction at that point to call him when I start my 2nd cycle. He said our chances with IVF were in the teens, therefore not worth the huge expense for us. He said if our Insurance covered it or we were rich he would keep on with the IVF, but he does not feel comfortable taking our money with those odds. He recommends that we go back to super ovulation with timed intercourse. I respond well to the meds, make plenty of eggs. Yes, we will be losing half of the eggs as I only have one tube, but it will increase our chances of conception. Our Insurance covers all meds 100% for super ovulation plus all office visits. He said basically it was no out of pocket cost for us and he was willing to help as long as we were committed. Honestly it makes sense, and I get it and am comfortable with the answers he gave us. We both felt he truly has our best interests at heart. He knows how badly we want a baby but he said he cannot in good conscious take our out of pocket money without offering us better odds.

Soooo...it was not exactly what I was hoping for, maybe I was in denial. We left and I cried the whole way to the car and in the car on the way home. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I kept asking hubby why had we just spent the last 18months going thru everything we gone thru, spent all that money and still end up back at square one, with one less tube. Odds of conception are not great, face it I am 41 yrs old. I even told RE I had spent the past 5 months trying to get as healthy as humanly possible. He actually laughed at me and said of all his patients at my age I was in the best health, most of his patients are younger, significantly overweight with all kinds of health issues. He said I was trying to tune up a Ferrari....how cool is that....my RE says I am a Ferrari...I hope I am a bright red one. So in spite of my age and being lopsided with one tube my hopes are resting on injectibles to increase my egg supply so that we can make a baby. I have to believe its possible. I know alot of people wont understand, I have 2 kids already, hubby and I are old, yada yada, be grateful. The thing is I am grateful, so grateful to have a second chance at love with a man that loves me more than I could ever have hoped for, having a husband that loves the 2 children I brought into our marriage as if they really were his. I am grateful that my children love my husband and accept him as the every day Dad (their Dad lives far away...but he is great). I have an amazing family.... I am so grateful to have all this that I want more....greedy?...maybe, ok probably. I love being a Mom, in fact my Mom says from the time I was 2 if you asked me what I wanted to be as a grownup I would say "a Mom". I never wanted a career outside the home....I wanted to be a Mom. My hubby came late into the desire for a child. He is amazing with all children and all children love him. It would just be wrong for him not to experience being a Dad from scratch. I makes my heart thump extra thumps when I watch him with my young nieces and nephews. I want someone to call him Daddy, I want him to experience pregnancy, childbirth and middle of the night feedings. He would be soooo great and we would be so great together. We work together in the business world, we spend more time together than most couples and we are good together, we are a real team. I probably sound like a broken record but I can't help it, my heart wants this so badly. I dream of being pregnant. I see myself in really cute maternity outfits, so I am a little shallow, maternity clothes from 10 -15 yrs ago were ugly. It is so easy for me to picture this stuff because I have done it before and I loved it. I was good at being pregnant and that makes it suck even more now that I can't seem to get pregnant. Again I know I am lucky to have the 2 children I have, I hate that anyone has to experience infertility, I want everyone to succeed in their battle with infertility, not just me.

Ok, I know this post is all over the map, but so is my brain. It is a bit noisy in my head and it helps to empty it out here.

Surgery looming

The surgery to remove my right fallopian tube is scheduled for Thursday. I am facing it with mixed emotions. I am ready for the pain to stop, but I am afraid. Part of me wonders if the bc pills have exacerbated this salpingitis. I never had this much pain until the 1st time on the bc pills for our IVF in January. The pain has been pretty unrelenting since, but this is the 3rd time I will have been on those stupid pills. Believe me the irony is not lost on me. 3 of the last 6 months I have been on the bc pills. Please explain how that helps a 41yr old woman conceive.....it doesn't. I don't think my body has had a break since January, with all the hormones for the IVF and then the meds for the 1st surgery and now again for this surgery. It takes the body a chance to regulate itself and to get rid of all those hormones before it will allow a pregnancy to take. At this point I just want the pain to end and I want to be pregnant with a healthy baby on the way. Maybe I am spoiled, I was able to get pregnant as planned when I wanted with my other 2 children, and I truly believed that it wouldn't be any different this time. We have only been trying for 3 years, and with assistance for about 1 yr 1/2, seems like forever to me. I know there are many women who have been trying for much longer and with no success. I just don't know how they do it, the constant failures get to me and make me want to throw in the towel. I want a child with my husband, but I would like to retain a small semblance of my sanity if possible.

The above was on my mind more than usual, if that is possible because we ran into my OB/Gyn at dinner tonight. After all we have been through we have a great patient/Dr. relationship. We spoke and I updated him on my upcoming surgery, Hubby filled him in with the details as I was being introduced to his wife. My Mother was with us and she and his wife used to work together, they are both nurses. In November 2007 they had boy/girl twins conceived on the 3rd round of IVF. They are thriving now, but were born at 25 weeks gestation. In the past my Dr. has told me how scary having preemies was considering the shoe was on the other foot for him. He has delivered many preemies and dealt with a myriad of pregnancy complications, in other women. It was a whole nother ballgame when it was his wife and his babies. They used the same RE for their fertility treatments but she obviously chose a different OB. Speaking with his wife about her journey with infertility and eventual success made me believe IT could happen for us too. I am just tired of the disappointment.

Random pic: Son at ballet, he can almost fly....

Memorial Day ....Thank You

A big Thank You to all the veterans and active duty military personnel!! My husband is retired Army and served for almost 25 yrs. I feel blessed that he loves his country enough that he dedicated such a large portion of his life to serving our country. We had a special family day today, started with church and then lunch (a little rocky) and then fun at the pool with family. I now have a few funky tan lines from not rotating enough while at the pool..LOL

Fertility related thoughts were bouncing in my head today. I so badly want to share the joy of pregnancy and raising a child with my husband, but. Yep, but...my sister-in-law came to the pool with my 2 nephews today, a 2 1/2 yr old and a 9 month old. Wonderful, sweet, amazing boys, I love them sooo much, but I really watched how much work it was for her. She had to bring so much stuff with her, swim diapers, floats, water-wings, snacks, regular diapers, bottles, etc. Then I realized that she can't just get in the water to cool off when she wants, she can't lay out on the chair and read or relax. For me to go to the pool with my kids, we take the normal essentials (towels, sunscreen, water and snacks) after those items my kids choose what pool fun they want to bring. Everyone carries their own stuff. My kids both swim, and swim very well ( R-she's 10 1/2 and M-he's 15) I can get in and out of the pool at my whim, I don't have to entertain as they usually hook up with friends, I can read and relax without having to watch them like a hawk (I don't sleep, I look up and and listen out for their voices). I realized that I might not want to give up that luxury, sounds petty, but there are other things too. I can sleep in, I have help with household chores. My kids can stay home together without an adult when hubby and I go on the occasional date. My kids can fix their own food if necessary (sandwiches, soup, etc) Everyday that goes by that I am not pregnant and getting older I realize I have it sooo good, and do I really want to mess with that. It sounds flaky, but I guess it's normal to be wishy-washy when dealing with infertility and all the emotional crap that it involves. I know I would never regret having another child, I would love a new child as much as I love my existing children, and it's a real possibility I might regret not continuing to try to have another child. It all just messes with your head, and for sure my brain is tired and I am sick and tired of feeling physically and mentally crappy from either the hormones or the disappointment that goes with infertility. I just wish it were easier and more clear-cut.

Random picture for today:

A picture of my son with the Batman brownies I made.....he still wants to grow up to be Batman...LOL

Our journey

I have tried to start the description of the journey we are on numerous times, and well for one reason or another I have yet to find a home for my thoughts and musings. I got re-married last Oct 2006, I was a single Mom to 2 kids for 7 years. I truly never had any intention of dating again, let alone re-marrying. My wonderful husband has no biological children of his own although he loves my two as they were his. Very early into the relationship having a child together was discussed and determined to be something we both wanted We tried naturally for over a year ( un-married sinners that we were), and finally got pregnant in January 2005. It ended up being a corneal pregnancy without real fetal development Corneal pregnancies attach themselves in the corneal section of the uterus, which is the entry point where the fallopian tubes meet the uterus. Needless to say I had to have a D&C. It took a while for my body to return to normal and in June 2005 we were given the green-light from my OB/GYN. Nothing happened so in December of 2005 my OB Dr. referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I saw him for the first time in January 2006. After determining that although I was healthy I was a crusty old 39 yrs old with a 40th B-day right around the corner.
We decided with the RE's advice that we try Super Ovulation. Ta-Da!!! On that note I will stop and continue this another day, or night as I am plagued by insomnia at the moment