Merry Christmas & I feel like crap

Here's hoping for a Merry Christmas for all....in the meantime I feel like crap. Why you ask? Well, I've decided to chalk it up to these dag-nabit bc pills. They make me feel bad, ill, sick, not sure how else to explain it. I never had a problem with the bc pills I took many years ago as a teen and into my 20's. These are a different brand, so I am not sure if it's due to the brand or if it has to due with my age and hormonal makeup at this point in my life.

I just love a chilled uterus

Man oh man it was awesome........not! We had our IVF consult today. It started off with lovely greetings all around and then request to take my pants off and plant myself on the table, what a way to start the day. I asked the nurse what we are doing, she directed my eyes to the counter.....ugh...I should have remained ignorant. Dr. comes in, confirms that I started the birth-control pills on Dec 14th, I lay back and the fun begins. But first I have a question for him...why do I have this internal buzzing in the vicinity of my right ovary. Don't laugh, ever since I started these bc pills I have been experiencing this weird buzz, on more than one occasion I checked my pocket to make sure I didn't leave my cell phone in there on vibrate. Nope, that was not the case, as the buzzing continued intermittently, even in the bathtub and I can assure you although I might have a belly roll there are no pockets on my body. He takes a peek with the wonderful, light saber size vaginal ultra-sound wand and sees zip. So we decide that it's probably just the alarm on my biological clock and got a great laugh out of it.

Ok, back to the fun part, I get in position and he proceeds with an explanation of a saline infused ultra-sound. It involves a large tube, my cervix and a speculum. Ask me which was my favorite part of the equation. Pain, pain, ok I am not a wimp. I have given birth to two children vaginally with no pain medication, no problem. But I was young and stupid then, now I am old and chicken. He tells me he needs to know the depth of my uterus, no, you really don't I say. So my cervix and uterus were in no mood for this invasion. As I am trying to breathe through this what do I feel? My insides went strangely cold, very cold. Hello....um, what are you doing? Let's just say it was an interesting sensation, with the bonus of the cold fluid leaking out between my legs. During all this he's getting a measurement on my uterus and a nice look-see. My husband said it looked like fireflies flying around in there........HUH? It seemed like forever, but I will admit it probably lasted 5 minutes max. Let me tell you my uterus was cramping after that, not to mention the trail of water I was leaking onto the floor.

After dressing and walking slowly down the hall we met with the Dr. and then the IVF coordinator to get all the nitty-gritty details. Without dragging it out, we discussed the timeline and process, all the meds and finally the financial aspect of this process. We had a pretty good-idea of the basics, but still we had a moment of sticker-shock. After letting it all settle in we are confident in our decision to follow through with this method of becoming parents together. I am to stay on these awful femcon bc pills, taking my last one on Jan 6th with my first baseline ultrasound appt. scheduled for Jan 10. From there we will be instructed on medication dosages. We are looking at retrieval and transfer taking place the week of Jan 21. On that note I am going to soak in the hot bath in hopes of thawing out my uterus....Brrrrrrrrr

The beginning again

Well, the beginning is here again. I called the RE's office and confirmed that we wanted to accept their offer to move up our IVF to January 2008. They sent me a letter with a prescription for my birth control pills as my friend the period will undoubtedly start while we are in Maine next week. Speaking of Maine did I mention that I hate flying....I mean really hate it. Anxiety was upon me as I tried to go to sleep last night. How sad is that...my heart was pounding with the rush of adrenaline just thinking about getting on a plane. I mean who voluntarily goes to Maine in the winter? What is my dear husband thinking, taking me, I confirmed Southern girl to the most freezing place in my imagination. Anyway back to IVF, I start the pill on the 2nd day of my period and continue taking it till Jan 6. In the meantime we have our IVF consult on Dec 20th to get all the nitty-gritty info. My letter says they will do a trial retrieval then...what the heck is that. Oh, I know, another opportunity to put me through more pain....cause you know I am a glutton for pain, otherwise why would I continue to subject myself to this torture. I am assuming they will let me know what meds, doses and when I will start using these implements of torture. Oh the joy of having needles stabbed into my stomach at least twice a day....what a way to wake up. I have also read of some kind of oily progesterone shot I might have to get. Everything I read tells me that it's going to be awful. But I have convinced myself up to this point that it will all be worth it in the long run. Ask me later this month if that's still the case. Flip side...what if it doesn't work, then what? Will I be able to say it was worth it just to try and still end up with no baby? I am not sure about that. I have always been a "Failure is not an option" kind of person, but realistically I know that failure is out there and there are no guarantees that this will work. Some people really do all the right things and still end up with empty arms and no baby. For us adoption is something we have ruled out, don't get me wrong, I admire the people that adopt and the people that give their baby up for adoption. But for us, well we have set our limits financially and emotionally and at this point in time we are sticking with them. So now I count down the days till I start the pill.

Moving up

My RE's office called and asked if we would be interested in moving up our IVF schedule to January 2008 instead of February 2008. They had three cancellations and wanted to offer us this opportunity as they knew how eager we are to get this show on the road. We had this weekend to make up our mind, after discussing at length we have decided to take advantage of this blessing. We really have no reason to wait, it was only due to their scheduling. So I call on Monday to confirm. Not sure what this means as far as re-scheduling our consultation for in depth IVF explanation. I am still supposed to start taking the birth-control pill with my next period, which is due to start the middle of this month, unless our lowly tries at getting pregnant on our own worked...who am I kidding. So I will start the pill and then what ... I have no clue. So the IVF train will departing the station sooner than expected and we are thrilled...TOOT TOOT!!

Nutcracker....

Nutcracker is over...now we can breathe and catch up on some much needed rest. If you have never been involved with the Theatre through some form of the Arts, well then you have no idea what you get yourself into by agreeing to participate in these extravaganza. We were non-stop from Friday afternoon till 1am on Sat night. Not to mention the fact that we had family in town for a total of 30 people for Thanksgiving dinner.
The performance was awesome, the kids were fantastic and the professional dancers were amazing. It was exhausting but worth it for all of us. My two children were so proud of themselves and their friends. I was especially proud of them when after the final show they both went up to the Director and shook his hand and thanked him for the opportunity to dance with his company. I think it showed great maturity and as I told them later, it never hurts to leave someone with a positive word and a favorable memory of you.
On a fertility note I think I am getting ready to ovulate. I have been keeping track of days and numbers for so long that I am not even sure if I am an early ovulator or if I am on schedule. I mean I am on a schedule just not sure who's schedule it is. All this mentrual, cervical mucous, egg, ovulation tracking, well it almost makes me look forward to the voluntary hell I am going to put myself through, at least then I wont have to keep up with anything more than how much bellyfat to pinch while my hubby gets to keep up with how much of the hormones I get injected into said bellyfat. Oh, and the other thing I am grateful for is no more physician prescribed sex, how weird is that, your RE knows when you are having sex. It's almost like having your kids or parents in the next room with ears pressed to the wall....LOL

I am boring...

I have been wanting to blog about all the infertility issues and treatment we have been facing this past year and just when I get the gumption to get this thing started.....Stop...we are in a holding pattern until Jan. So now what am I supposed to write about?

The kids have auditioned for and been accepted to perform in "The Nutcracker" with a professional ballet company. We are all super excited, this is such an awesome opportunity for the kids. The Director of the company has really noticed my son's abilities, who knows something could come of this. In the meantime with all the rehearsals and the making of costumes that the company did not have since younger children are included I have not had much time to think of our up-coming IVF. The issue of finances has pretty much been taken care of, at least for the initial cycle. I have accumulated most of the meds I need from past supper-ovulation cycles and hubby (without my knowledge, which is cool) has managed to sock away money this whole year in case it came to this (IVF). The only thing left for me to worry about is the wishy washy feelings I get when I think about IVF. I really want a baby, but then doubt creeps in and whispers in my ear. Do I really want to start all over ( my kids are 14 & 10), do I want to deal with all the hard work that comes with raising another child? I mean, I really have it good right now. My kids are independent and don't require my constant attention. They can dress and feed themselves. I don' t have to change diapers, wake up in the middle of the night on a regular basis. I am assuming my wishy washy state is normal....right?

I am blank

Right now I am blank...meaning I can't think of anything of interest to write about. As far as infertility stuff goes we are in a holding pattern. Since I am obviously not pregnant right now, or at least I don't think I am and refuse to even entertain the thought since it usually leads to disappointment. So onto other things....at this time my two kids are busy rehearsing for a Nutcracker performance at the end of this month. If you have ever been involved in one of these you understand the crazy chaos that this creates. But, it was good fun and an exceptional experience. This year will be the 1st year my kids have the opportunity to dance with a professional ballet company...super exciting.

I started

Yep, I started and obviously it was not for the Red Sox. My period started this month, and I blame my dear loving husband for this. Why you ask? Well, he went out of town, to Maine to be exact, and well it's a little far for us to procreate from Maine to Georgia. Therefore I went through the prime of my montly cycle all alone, with my eggs whining about the lack of attention. So what does mean you ask? Well, it means that we can try all by ourselves again this month. I did receive my letter from my RE with instructions. I am supposed to call their office when I start my period in December. I guess he is going to put me on the pill at that point...I know it sounds crazy but who am I to argue with that six figure education he has. From that point on it gets really confusing and hazy. If I understood correctly, and obviously I didn't otherwise I wouldn't be in this fog....anyway, he will be using the BC pills to control my cycle and I guess I will be monitored in January 2008 so that he can cram me full of meds in February. I have probably stated this in previous, but as this is all I have to go on, I have decided it bears repeating.
In other news, the family is fine. We are busy as usual with Dance, the kids auditioned for a production of the Nutcracker ( which I love!!!) with the Columbia Classical Ballet out of South Carolina. Hopefully we will get word in the next few days.

Our journey

I have tried to start the description of the journey we are on numerous times, and well for one reason or another I have yet to find a home for my thoughts and musings. I got re-married last Oct 2006, I was a single Mom to 2 kids for 7 years. I truly never had any intention of dating again, let alone re-marrying. My wonderful husband has no biological children of his own although he loves my two as they were his. Very early into the relationship having a child together was discussed and determined to be something we both wanted We tried naturally for over a year ( un-married sinners that we were), and finally got pregnant in January 2005. It ended up being a corneal pregnancy without real fetal development Corneal pregnancies attach themselves in the corneal section of the uterus, which is the entry point where the fallopian tubes meet the uterus. Needless to say I had to have a D&C. It took a while for my body to return to normal and in June 2005 we were given the green-light from my OB/GYN. Nothing happened so in December of 2005 my OB Dr. referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I saw him for the first time in January 2006. After determining that although I was healthy I was a crusty old 39 yrs old with a 40th B-day right around the corner.
We decided with the RE's advice that we try Super Ovulation. Ta-Da!!! On that note I will stop and continue this another day, or night as I am plagued by insomnia at the moment

In the beginning

In the beginning....wait! I am 40 yrs into this thing called life. I have a noisy brain and writing helps quiet the beast. Have been wanting to start something like this for awhile, tried myspace and love it for various reasons, but I have too many of my kids friends as my friends. And well some of what I may write about is not for the teen set. So here goes....

1)I am a 40 yr old Mother of two, getting ready to celebrate my first weddng anniversary with my second husband.

2)We are trying to conceive a child together and so far it is not going very well (more on this later).

3) My dear sweet husband and I work together and amazingly enough it works for us.

4)I am the oldest of 4 children, therefore I like to be the boss.

5)My first marriage failed for various reasons (but mainly we failed each other and our kids)

6)I said I would never get married again (Happy almost 1st Anniversary honey..Oct14)

7)I have an exceptional relationship with both my 14yr old son and 10yr old daughter....ask me again why I want to start over by getting pregnant at 40.

8)I have to have some sort of light on when I go to sleep (nightlight, bathroom light, etc)

9)I am a smoker who doesn't smoke (cause I want to get preggo)

10)I love to read

11)I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up besides be a Mom, never had a really driven career path for myself

12)I talk to my Mom at least once a day.

13)I rarely speak to my Father, let alone know where he is

14)I have battled depression since I was 14 yrs old (have been winning the battle for the past 3 years)

15)I am an insomniac, due to the noisy brain

Okay, so the Tylenol PM is kicking in and that means that the longer I type the more likely this blog will look like my dog wrote it.