Selfish me

Today I was hoping for some answers and I got a few but mostly I am left more confused and with more questions. Hubby and I met in the parking lot at the Re's office, I said to him as we walked toward the building that I felt like I was "a dead man walking". He laughed it off, he didn't get that the walk was filled with fear and dread for me. We ended up having to wait for quite a while to be seen, our nurse was out with her own sick child so appts. were running behind. It was ok though our RE took his time with us today. We were called back and went into his office and he explained where he thought we were at this point. He said some positives about my reproductive health, but mainly I heard the negatives. I am 40 almost 41, my ovarian reserve is diminishing, I responded better to super ovulation than to IVF protocol, he was disappointed that we produced so few eggs (7) even though he had me maxed out on the drugs. He thinks my eggs did not implant as they don't have enough energy and fuel to continue dividing at the rate needed to become blastocysts and implant. He feels my eggs run out of gas and that there is really nothing he can do about my eggs aging. He does not want to put us through unnecessary emotional, and financial hardship in pursuing another round of IVF unless we can look him in the eye and say for certain we understand that our chances of conception with my eggs is only 15 to 20 % and that we are ok with that. He brought up donor eggs and asked if it was something we had thought about or would we even consider it. I told him I had looked at it online this past week out of desperate curiosity and hubby and I stated we would be willing to learn more. He said our chances of conceiving with donor eggs jumps to 66%. Major difference in stats. and worth considering.

After he was done with his opinion we were able to ask questions and I gave him my opinion and also told him all the weird particulars regarding my spotting for days before my period started and how my cycle on lasted 3 days and it was lighter than usual. I explained my pain to him and he was stumped and asked why I didn't call him so he could take a look. He sent us to an exam room to do an ultra-sound right then. I pointed externally to the area I felt the pain internally. It as quite uncomfortable that va-jay-jay wand. Everything feels puffy in there and I told him, he looked all over my right side and ovary and said nothing was there, no follicle, no cyst, nothing, but that my left ovary had a good size follicle and that I would ovulate in the next 72 hours. The ultra-sound ruled out anything obvious but gave us no real answers. RE agreed that a laparoscopy was probably needed to get a definitive answer to my pain and a possible explanation as to my infertility. He doesn't expect to find anything except a small amount of endometriosis that would be considered normal for my age. Hubby and I informed him that we could not and would not make any decisions regarding fertility treatment until after the Lap. surgery. We needed to rule out any problems before we invest anymore time, money, or emotions. I told him point blank that I did not have it in me to do this again without a concrete answer about this pain. I have to call my nurse tomorrow to get on the surgical schedule, hopefully it wont be to long of a wait, but it can't be until after my next period. We were sent downstairs to the lab for blood work, an HCG (preg. test) and progesterone levels. He wants to rule out an ectopic pregnancy, so I will get those results tomorrow.
We did get a booklet about donor eggs and I read it tonight. It was informative, but I just can't say if I am ready to give up on my eggs and move onto someone else's. I love many children that aren't genetically mine. I know I love my children and I am sure I could and would love a child that was only linked to hubby by DNA. It would grow inside of me, and come out of my body, and I would be able to breastfeed and all that would make me feel connected to this child. That is not the issue, the issue is I want a child that is a part of both of us, I want my eggs to work. It sounds selfish. If I could try one more IVF with my eggs, well if that didn't work it would make it easier to say I gave it my all, it didn't work so lets move onto donor eggs. But both of these process's are very costly and I am afraid to have a baby I have to give up my genetic tie.

Needless to say all of this sucks, my head is spinning and I am more confused than ever. I know we are not going to make a decision right now, but my brain is a noisy brain and I have to run every scenario. I wanted more than what I got today, but I can't blame RE, he really has been straight forward and he wants what we want. He wants me to get pregnant and have a baby, he is disappointed he really thought we could make this happen....me too.

For now, until the Lap. surgery is scheduled we are going to continue to try to conceive by ourselves, there is an egg that will be hatching from my ovary in the next 72 hours, actually, minus the hour this blog took, and then the 9 hours since the appt. and we are looking at 62 hours. Better wake hubby up so he can do his part.