A great day

My children are with their Father this weekend. He came in town to visit before school starts. Every year for the past 8 some odd years I have paid for all school clothes and he has helped with some of the school supplies. Yesterday he offered to pay for all school clothes and said I could get the supplies this year. I am grateful as the clothes are more expensive. I have never sought an increase in support even though I am entitled and he makes considerably more money than I do, I'm only a tad bitter at this point so it means all the more that he stepped up this year.

So why was today a great day? Well, hubby let me sleep in for a bit then we got up and went out and grabbed a quick breakfast at Starbucks and we were off to shop for us. I am so excited, we bought 2 new sets of sheets and a new comforter set for our bed. I love them they are beautiful and soft and comfy. At the linen store we bought new towels, we all like big towels and we got hand towels and wash cloths to match, pretty cool. They are nice and fluffy and super absorbent.

Then we headed to the mall for some wandering. I picked up a Batman shirt for M and a Twilight shirt for R. I found 2 amazing pairs of jeans that fit perfectly (we all know how rare that can be). We ate lunch at Starbucks ( broccoli & cheese strata for me and artichoke & spinach for hubby). I needed a new bottle of my perfume (Chanel Chance) can't live without the stuff. Then we headed over to Best Buy, we needed an external hard-drive to transfer some things to from our work computers. I have quite a large collection of pictures and some personal documents I want to keep when the company sells. We picked up a few movies and then headed to the Lowes. Hubby got a work bench type thing and some pad things to put on the legs of R's bed. Then we hit the next mall. We wandered (got our exercise) and then hit Target to pick-up my Dr. Pepper and some bath gel for M. By this point we were both exhausted so we headed home, took the dog out and we both laid down and snuggled up for a very long nap. Woke up and talked to the kids for a few and then headed to Waffle House for a late dinner. HAHA...sounds fancy huh. Actually the food was really good, it's near our house and it's open late. We ran to Walmart to pick up a new mattress pad for our bed as ours was ugh, came home made up the bed took showers and settled in for the night. The best part of the day - spending time together, alone, very rare for us and a blessed opportunity.

On the fertility front we are still in a holding pattern. I am supposed to call the Dr. when I have my next cycle which should show up in about 4 - 6 days. We had unprotected sex around ovulation time in spite of what the Dr. ordered. Why risk it? Uh....I am 41 yrs old, I have 1 fallopian tube, and almost 2 years of injectible fertility treatments have left me with an empty uterus. I figured, fat chance we will conceive so why not throw caution to the wind. I did buy some new vitamins from the GNC store. They are supposed to help women's fertility health. You are supposed to take 3 a day, I am working my way up, started with 1 a day, now at 2. Figured it would be best to make sure I had no reactions to the meds. They have additional herbal supplements, no problems so far but it is supposed to take 3 months to notice a difference. Whatever. We saw the cutest toddler girl in the mall today, I wanted her, but hubby pointed out she was holding her Mom's hand and he didn't think that her Mom would give her to us. Oh well, I guess we keep waiting and try on our own until we get the ok to start injectibles again with timed intercourse. I almost forgot, I was able to pull out 1 of my 2 spitting belly button stitches and then a few minutes ago I pulled out 1 of 3 spitting ab stitches. I was soo excited. As of tonight I am still having the phantom fallopian tube pain, it seems less, hopefully it is still healing pain.

Photo: R after ballet camp with the Hermitage Ballet....isn't she lovely.

My surgery

Let's see if I can get this written in one sitting. Last Thursday, June 19th, was the dreaded day. We had to report to the hospital at 8:30am, I let admissions know I was there and then we sat...and sat..and sat. Finally at 9:45am they were ready to take me back for pre-op. Normally they ask your support person (my hubby) to wait in the waiting area until they have the patient settled and then they allow them back to sit with the patient until surgery time. I had a not so pleasant experience last time we were there in April 2008 for my diagnostic Lap. surgery. My nurse just didn't listen to me. The lady that took me back was sweet and understood and let my hubby come with me...yeah. So back we go and it looks like I will be getting the same nurse as before....BOO!!!, she peeks her head in and hubby & I swear she remembered me. Next thing I know I have a different nurse...Yeah!!! Assumptions were confirmed, other nurse told her about my veins and how I am not a big fan of using drinking straw size needles to start an IV. I have good veins, but they are not huge, most nurses salivate when they see my veins, I could be a great junky...if I didn't hate needles so much. Anyway, hubby and I came prepared with our own tote bag for my belongings and his book, etc but we used their stylish plastic bag to store my clothes. You see, by the time they brought me back they were in a hurry, everyone was behind. I had to strip, pee in a cup (mandatory pg test) and get in the bed. I was given a lovely cap to contain my long silken hair...Ha! Shout out to my nurse Shanna!!! She was the most amazing IV put-er in-er. A quick lydocaine stick (their policy) and then she was in, no pain, it was awesome. We met with the anesthesiologist, he made us both feel very comfortable. Met with the Dr. went over procedure, I wrote on my tummy with sharpie and drew an arrow with a smiley face pointing to my belly-button ( Fix this :) --------> as my belly-button was less then stellar after the last procedure. RE had actually asked me to do this so he would be reminded. I call both my kids to tell them I love them and my bestest nurse Shanna comes in and gives me a wonderful does of Versed (sp?) and as I begin to feel fabulous its time to go to the OR. Hubby kisses me, tells me he loves me and assures me that all will be well.

It is so weird to be wheeled into the OR awake, they always look like they do on TV and that always surprises me...every time. I am schooched over onto the OR table, given a mask, told to breathe and relax, assured that all will be well...again....and that's it for me.

And now that's it for me tonight, my pain meds are kicking in and that is not conducive to typing. I guess that means I will be continuing this saga later. Da da da (dramatic continuation music plays)

Pre - Op

Today was my pre - op appt. with my RE, they guy who is doing my surgery. I know it might sound kooky but I always have fun when I go to his office. He is beyond brilliant, sooo super smart that he is funny. So I take a rest with both my feet in one stirrup in a lovely paper gown with a matching paper lap blanket and wearing nothing else. Hello!!!...it's cold in here, I'd be warmer if I could just make a small bon-fire out of my paper finery. It was so cold that Personally I think having to lay on your back with your legs spread and feet in stirrups is bad enough, you'd think they would provide some warmer attire. I digress .... the RE comes in and we proceed to take a look - see at my uterus from the inside out. All is as it should be, except my bleeding is a little heavier at this point than he would like pre-operatively, so if by 12pm Wed. I am still bleeding I am to slap 2 estrogen patches on my butt and wear them till I go into the hospital for surgery on Thurs.

I was able to ask about the bc pills and how they affect my salpingitis and the pain. He confirmed what I thought all along, the bc pills or mainly the progesterone in the bc pills aggravate the salpingitis, therefore making my pain levels rise. He said he did not believe that the salpingitis has not prevented implantation of a pregnancy, but due to the diverticulitis hubby's sperm and my egg just might not be meeting in the tube. Ok, so now what, the tube will be gone, thus eliminating my pain but without the tube where are the sperm and egg supposed to hook up? Around the corner at the other tube you say, ok, so why hasn't that happened already. Funnily enough he said that pregnancy usually calms the salpingitis, ie it is not aggravated and causing me pain. Ironic, pregnancy would help ease my pain, yet I haven't been able to achieve that.

After my exam we met in his office to go over the planned procedure (Laproscopic) and discuss all risks. Not a fun, but a necessary conversation. He laughed and said he needed to admit something. He said he only did the diagnostic Lap. surgery in April because I demanded it. He truly did not believe he would find anything wrong. My HSG, and the many many ultra-sounds had all shown everything within normal limits. He said when he saw the salpingitis on my tube, he looked around the drape at me and said " Damn!...she wasn't crazy after all." LOL ... Some people might not see the humor in this, I did, because I know him and know it was not intended as an insult. He said I have to give you this one, you knew your body even if all other diagnostics said otherwise. The plan is to do the complete removal and resection with the scope, with 3 tiny incisions in my pubic area and one through my belly-button. If he can't control bleeding he will cut me open like a c-section procedure. He does not anticipate that happening as he does not believe that the salpingitis infiltrates my actual uterine cavity. Worst case scenario, besides death (not gonna happen) is losing my uterus to uncontrollable bleeding. I am not too worried, I have Faith in my RE but most importantly God. Right now it will day surgery, and recovery at home for 1 week barring no complications.

OOOO... I showed the RE my belly-button and the protrusion he left me with. I explained that my Mom made my belly - button (I was an unplanned homebirth) and he messed it up. He laughed and told me to write with a sharpie on my stomach and put an arrow pointing to my belly- button with the words "Fix me" so that he doesn't forget....LOL. I plan on doing just that and will post a lovely picture. We also discussed future fertility only vaguely, basically we want me to heal and then come in for a re - group. At this point, I am want my FSH tests and other blood work repeated once I heal so that we can see where we are at and go from there. I told him I still want a baby with hubby, and am willing to give it my all, but I refuse to make myself insane in the process.

So, we are all good and ready to go. My pain seems to be worse everyday, so I am actually looking forward to this procedure. I have thoughts on my peaceful state at this point, with infertility, my surgery etc, but I will save that for another time.

Happy Mother's Day

Today was Mother's Day, we went to church with my Mom and then to lunch with her and my brother's family. I am blessed with an amazing family. My husband is a good listener and bought me this dress that I have been eyeing for weeks and my kids got me Target gift cards...I love Target. I was then able to come home and get a nap in with no interruption. It would have been nice to do something outdoors today but the weather was rainy for the most part.

Hubby and I went to the cookout I mentioned previously. We had so much fun. It was awesome to see friends I had not seen in years and to introduce hubby to everyone. It was a little crazy as I had never been to a cookout that was being filmed for TV, but surprisingly enough I wasn't nervous and being interviewed was interesting to say the least.

My belly-button has not completely healed and I still have that small protrusion. I have resigned myself to having this surgery, I feel at this point I cannot live with the pain, especially since I am never sure of when it will strike. I still want to get pregnant, and we will be putting our best effort forth this month, you never know it could happen. My ambivalence about having a baby comes and goes. I think its my hearts way of protecting me from disappointment especially with my upcoming surgery.

Lots of thinking to do

I have so much on my mind. I had a follow up appt. with my General Physician (GP) today. He just wanted to keep track of what is going on with me. He looked at my belly-button and assured me that I needed to wait till my next surgery to have it repaired. After going over my diagnosis with him he stated that removing my fallopian tube is going to lessen our chances of conceiving. I know this already, and his words keep playing over and over in my head. I have so many doubts and questions. I don't want to cut my chances of conception in half at this point in my life, my chances are already lower than I want them to be. We really can't afford to do IVF again, although I know hubby will make it happen for us if its what I really want. Sometimes I wonder if we should try on our own for 2 months to see if we can get pregnant by ourselves. What if my quitting smoking a few months ago increases our chances of conception? Last time we got pregnant I had cut down significantly. We haven't really been able to try on our own since the IVF in January, there was a slight chance in February but then all the pain began.

I have to believe that if I have reasonable doubt about whether to have this surgery at this time than I probably shouldn't. Unfortunately its not reversible, once I give the ok, its done and there goes half my fertility. I am not ready to give it up, I am about preserving it. I have had faith and felt very comfortable and happy with my treatment by my RE up till this point. Now I have to wonder if this is the best choice for me at this time.

The kids had a dance competition this weekend. It was amazing. Everyone did so well and I am so proud of my two. The Pas de deux that my son did with his dance partner received the highest marks this weekend. It may seem selfish of me to want another child when I already have two perfect, healthy children. It is selfish, but I want to share the joy of having a child with my husband. I want to share the wonder of pregnancy, and babyhood, and childhood with my husband.

My daughter, the personal back stomper for sore dancers...

My son and his partner....one of their many lifts.

The pokey outy thingy

There is a pokey outy thingy coming out of my belly-button. Hubby and I both think it is a part of my belly-button that used to be on the inside of my body as I never had any appendages coming out of my bb before. It is extremely sensitive, even to air and it looks raw and red. Hubby wants me to call the Dr. tomorrow, but I don't think he will want to do anything until my next surgery in June. I think he will want me to heal at little more.

I told hubby tonight that one of the reasons I wanted to put my surgery off till June is that it gives me time to really think about my decision. I want to be absolutely sure I am doing the right thing for me. I feel the need to spend time in prayer and then wait on God to lead and direct me to the right decision. Only God truly knows my ache to have another child, I believe that his guidance will be in accordance with his will for me and my desire to have another baby. Also, waiting till June gives me and hubby a little time to try and get pregnant on our own, who knows, it could happen. What a miracle that would be, it would definitely put surgery on the back burner. The RE did confirm for me that this SIN would not interfere in a healthy pregnancy and would not damage me further.

The kids have a dance competition this weekend. Fortunately its local so we don't have to travel and many of our friends can attend. The kids always enjoy performing for a hometown crowd.

My niece is having an MRI in the morning. She is 11yrs old and has been experiencing frequent headaches that are causing blurring of her vision. Her Dr. has ordered the MRI to rule out anything serious in her head. We are praying that it is nothing serious and that the Dr. will know how to treat her .

I have SIN

Yep, I have SIN ....salpingitis isthmica nodosa of my right fallopian tube. I knew something was there, I knew it. Two days pre-op when meeting with the RE he point blank told me that we were probably wasting our time and that the only thing he anticipated finding was a little endo. Boy was he wrong...he actually called my hubby from the OR ask him if he should remove the tube now or wake me and do it later. Hubby and RE and I had discussed and decided that unless it was life or death that nothing would be removed except scar tissue or endo. So hubby told him no, to wake me. I don't remember much, but hubby says that RE told him after surgery..."Well, it wasn't in her head."...Duh...it was in my tube. So I have this SIN and its at the point where the Fallopian tube meets my uterus. It is large and it is causing me pain. We are pretty sure it is the result of the cornual pregnancy from 2yrs ago. Usually they result from an infection and with the fetal tissue that was left in there for 2 months I would not be shocked if it didn't cause an infection. My SIN is very maze like inside the nodule. At this point aside from the pain this SIN can cause infertility, preventing the egg and sperm from meeting, it increases my chances of an ectopic pregnancy. I have to wonder if that's why we have not conceived yet, has God been protecting us due to this SIN? I have to ask the RE if getting pregnant while having this would cause a this thing to rupture, maybe we have to have it removed before we are blessed with a pregnancy. My post-op appt. is tomorrow and I am anxious and looking forward to it at the same time. I have so many questions, I am grateful that I got answers from the surgery, even if I am not happy about the answers. I am glad to confirm that I am not crazy and the pain was not in my head. Can I just interject that I had no idea that Lap. surgery was so painful after the fact and how horrible my belly-button would look and feel. The incision in my pubic hair-line is minor and healing well with only minor soreness, my belly-button is a completely different story. It is bruised, swollen and super-glued shut, not a pretty sight, even my kids think it's gross. I will probably have to have this tube removed and that sucks big time. It can decrease the chances of our ability to conceive naturally, like old eggs and being 41 isn't enough . I just feel like I keep getting kicked in the teeth. I am not sure how a tubal removal effects our conception plans in the short or long term. What about IVF? Will this increase or decrease our chances of success? It is soooo imperative to me to preserve my fertility at this point. I mean I quit smoking, made healthier changed to my diet and lifestyle, its time, I am soooo ready for all this pain, surgery, etc to be over and to get back on track to making a baby.

I will update after I have my post-op appt. and have had the chance to digest all the info.

Here's another random photo:

My nephew (left) my son (right) jammin out in the driveway with family in the garage. We had a family cook-out for my son's birthday and it was a blast.