No sleep

Sleep comes to be in a round about way. I have a difficult time falling asleep, but once I am there I don't want to get up. It is the time of year. I am not a winter person. I need the longer, warmer days. We leave on Sunday for our family vacation. It is also part of the kid's Christmas present. We are going to Disney for 5 days and they each are bringing a cousin. I hate packing but I am super excited about this trip. Since the kids have been with their Dad (it was his Christmas this year) things have been quiet and mellow here at home. The presents are wrapped and under the tree, waiting for them to come home. I head out to meet my sister early in the morning, they live several hours from us and we need our nephew to be here the day before the trip.

We did go to my brother's house on Christmas to see what my 2 little nephews got from Santa. It was nice to be with little ones who totally get into the excitement of Christmas. My sister - in - law has been offering to pray over my womb for a while. We finally had an opportunity while there. I was afraid it would be awkward, but it wasn't. It was just her, hubby and myself, with hands laid on my abdomen she said the most amazing prayer asking God to open my womb and bless us with the baby we want so badly. Maybe I am crazy but during her prayer I felt a buzzing inside me directly beneath our hands. Hubby said it was his vibrating hands...haha...not...I felt it from the inside not externally. Who knows what it meant, if anything at all, but I felt peaceful and loved and that feeling is still there. She didn't realize until afterwards that this is my fertile time and hubby and I have been trying without stress this month. God works in mysterious ways.

On a completely different note, I have been following this woman's blog for a bit of time now. Her story really touched me. Her name is Emilie and has battled infertility, when she was pregnant with her 2nd baby boy in August 2007 she was diagnosed with soft tissue sarcoma. After surgery to remove all the tumor she went onto a normal healthy pregnancy and delivered a 2nd healthy son. Shortly after she learned her cancer was back and had taken over. In spite of her determination and strong fight to live she passed away in the evening of Dec 23rd. I am so sad for her, and her family. I wanted her to beat this, even though we had never met, I felt connected, as a Mother. I pray that she is at peace and that her family will hold onto the good memories and feel her love for them each day as they grieve her loss. Her blog is lemmondrops .

Hubby and nephew ~ typical men, eating and watching tv..haha

I might be a starfish

I am probably the most boring blogger in the universe, but I swear the weirdest things happen to my body. I have been having my lower right abdominal pain for several weeks now. I had the most hellish period in the world, 7 days late. Impossible to be pregnant, according to the RE my period was late due to crazy hormones wreaking havoc on my body. The thing is, this pain is the exact pain I experienced which led to Lap. surgery for diagnosis. I had Salpingitis Isthmica Nudosa (can't even remember the spelling). My right tube was removed in June 2008. I am thinking I might be a starfish and maybe my tube is growing back....LOL. Okay, I know realistically that is not possible, but it sounds good. How can I have pain in the exact same spot where my tube was but is not now. I have the exact same pain symptoms. I wish I could see what was going on inside there, but that wont happen unless I am willing to have a hysterectomy, and that is not an option right now.

We are waiting till January to start our next medicated cycle, in the meantime we will be trying on our own this month. The mental and physical strain of all these failed treatments is wearing on me. I was so optimistic about success when we began this journey with our RE 2 years ago. With each failed cycle it is harder to bounce back and think positively. I just expect failure, I guess as a way to protect myself and it's not working for me anymore. My heart breaks each month, yet I can't help but feel in the deepest part of me that I am going to get pregnant and we will have a baby. How can I shake that feeling if it is false?

The kids will be spending the 1st half of their Christmas break with their Dad, it's his actual Christmas this year. It's ok, I have them the 2nd half and we have a fun vacation trip planned, but I will miss them terribly, it makes the empty uterus that much more painful.

M practicing a lift for Holiday Show

The pain

I have no idea why, but my right side pain is back even worse than ever. The tube is gone, that is what was causing the pain before. What could be causing the pain now? When I lay flat on my back, my right lower abdomen is slightly distended. The pain seems to have crept back into my life after this most recent failed cycle. Was it the hormones, if so why is it back now, the hormones should be out of my system by now. Also my cycle is late, or at least late for me, and pregnancy is all but an impossibility this month....you have to have sex or the like for that to happen...nope none this month. This was our "giving ourselves a break" month, no stress, no forced intimacy. We were just plain tired and had lots going on. I did get lucky and my Gen. Practitioner called in a re-fill on some pain meds for me, they don't completely wipe the pain out but it does take the edge off.

December is looking like it will be busier than November. We've decided to wait until January to start another round of fert. meds. The holidays are just too hectic and stressful to add more stress. Plus we are going on vacation at the end of the month....to the happiest place on earth. It should be a blast.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today was a wonderful family, food, fun filled day. We had 24 people at my Mother's house for Thanksgiving.

On the infertility front....well the last cycle of meds ended up empty...again. I thought for sure it had worked, disappointment once again. The RE has not cycles scheduled for November due his family vacation schedule. When I last spoke to him he offered a Dec. cycle or a Jan. cycle. It was early in the morning and I was half asleep when he called. I am fine with waiting till Jan 2009 as we have a busy Dec. planned along with a vacation out of town. I don't need the extra added stress a medicated cycle brings. So Jan. 2009 it is. I am not sure if I understood the RE, but he said something about letting me have one more cycle. Not sure how he said it and if I took it the right way. When I had my surgery he assured us with our Ins. coverage we could do many more super ovulation cycles after I healed. Unfortunately the 1st post-op cycle was a bust and had to be cancelled, so we have only had 1 full super O cycle. I just can't see how he could cut me off without letting us try longer. I get it...I am almost 42 but he says I am a young 42 and my ovarian reserve is within normal limits. I guess it will come down to my powers of persuasion.

Creepy girls on Halloween!!

Another cycle down the drain

It totally sucks....this cycle was a failure, another in a long line of failures. I had such high hopes, felt so positive about this try. We did everything right. I responded well to the meds, hubby and I were extra vigilant with meds and timing. We had Dr. prescribed sex on schedule, and nothing, big fat zero. Time is running out for me, I am starting to feel antsy and harried. The emotional toll this takes on me does not get any better, in fact it seems to be worse, mostly because time is short. I will be 42yrs old in 5 months, something has to give. I am not ready to give up...not sure I ever will be able to give up on my own. I just feel in the deepest part of my heart that we are supposed to get pregnant and have a baby.
Once again, I had a good cry, I'll feel sorry for myself for a few days and bounce back with a positive attitude and keep plugging away towards my dream of being a Mom one more time, making my husband a biological Father for the 1st time.

I have heat

Went to the RE's office today for another ultrasound to check progress of my ovaries and the thickness of my uterine lining. RE takes his normal peek at ovaries....he starts with the right side...the not so important side as there is no tube on that side. I have follicles....a good number of them. Impatient me asks about the left side...the so very important side. His response..."Yep, we have heat". He was pleased, I am responding well to the stimulation, I actually do better on meds. for super - ovulation than I did when doing IVF. It's been 10 months Oct 24th that I smoked my very last cigarette. I miss them sometimes, mostly when I am stressed, the rest of the time I can't stand the smell. I am hoping that the length of smoke free time will increase our chances this month. I have my last 5 units of Lupron in the AM and then my last Follistim injection in the PM. Come Sat. morning, I will be woken up by hubby at 8AM for my HCG in the rump shot. I know, your thinking, "what a wonderful way to wake up" a large jab in the butt by an even bigger needle. At this point in the cycle I get a little weepy, and I am so over being stabbed in the belly with sharp objects. I feel really good about this cycle, in a way I haven't since our very first try. I would hate to jinx myself or get my hopes up to have them dashed to the concrete floor like I jar of pickled eggs in a gas station. How does a person put themselves through all this without hope. Without hope what would be the point. A very fine line we walk to maintain some semblance of sanity.

It's been awhile so here is a random pic:

M & his friend N, photo shoot for School Dance Dept.

For documentation purposes

Well, we are in the midst of another Super Ovulation cycle. This one seems very different than all the others. For one, I made the call to the RE earlier than usual. Usually I wait till my cycle is full on - this time, I called as soon as I started. My baseline levels were great. At my last appt. on Sat. my uterine lining was thicker at that point than in the past....I'm going to take that as a good sign. Follies are developing pretty evenly on each side, but hoping and praying for more on the left as that is where my remaining tube is.
Appt. in the morning, hopefully it will be more good news.
I have been hesitant in posting all this info, when I put it out there I allow myself to hope. I want to hope, it is necessary and healthy to have hope, but I don't want to ignore reality. I don't want to say it out loud...but I feel this cycle could be the one. I say it in my head numerous times a day, but now it's out there, and I just don't want to be a naive fool again, for actually believing in a successful outcome this round. I will admit, with every injection hubby gives me, the desire to continue putting myself through this wanes. I just am tired of getting stuck in my belly fat with a needle twice a day for 9 - 12 days. I want this cycle to be the one sooo bad partly due to the anxiety of these daily injections, I am tired of having a bruised and sore belly. I want a round, tight belly with baby feet kicking me.

Holding steady

I am still in a holding pattern. I received my latest shipment of meds and needles today, just Follistim and 30g needles. Thank goodness our insurance covers my meds. So much has been going on lately, but it just doesn't seem interesting enough to write about. I will anyway, at least some of it.

I may or may not start my period in the next 7 days. My cycle got screwed up due to the abrupt ceasing of meds last month. I had a 2nd period 12 days after the 1st. That sucked royally, but the RE wasn't worried. The over a week ago I had some light brown spotting for less then 24 hours...weird huh. My first thought was another screwed up cycle, then I thought...could it be...implantation bleeding. It is possible, but probably not. This week I have had the worst low dull backache and a heavy achy feeling in my uterine area. My boobs are tender and larger than usual, today I had the smallest tiniest one time spot of pale brown blood. I am not really due to start my period for 5-7 days, but who knows with me. I am exhausted and have a headache that lingers and on and on. See, it could mean something or it could mean nothing. As I sit here and document my thoughts and feelings it makes me feel like I am trying to convince myself I could possibly be pregnant. Then reality sneaks in and reminds me I am 41 yrs old, I have one tube, and our last medicated cycle was a bust. I want so bad to have hope, but hope may lead to disappointment and disappointment leads to a sick crying jag. I just do not feel up for that. Hence the arrival of my meds, it can't hurt to be prepared.

On a lighter note, hubby and I ordered a new bed. It hasn't arrived and we are quivering with excitement at it's impending arrival. Why you ask? Because it is a Temper - Pedic Sleep Number Bed. It has multiple head and foot elevation positions and it vibrates...how cool is that. A tinge of sadness crept in when Hubby told me that one of the reasons he wanted this bed was for my comfort should we become pregnant. So sweet it makes me want to cry.

Our 2nd Anniversary is this month. October 14th, I want to do something special for him but he is soooo difficult to shop for.

It HAS to happen

Not much to write about lately. Well, that is not exactly true. I am now no longer employed...and I love it. Hubby and I worked together for an independently owned and operated company, a large corporation purchased us and unfortunately for me they do not allow family members to be employed based at the same location. Poor Hubby, he was the one who had to inform me. I handled it well at first, then I was sad, then angry, and now...I am loving it.

It is amazing how much you can done at home when you don't work outside the home. Our house is sooo clean. Crazy thing has happened...I have begun to cook again. Sounds crazy that I didn't cook, well, we are always on the go and with Hubby working together it was next to impossible to prepare a meal during the week. Eating out afforded us the opportunity to eat together as a family. M & R are loving eating at home and R loves to help in the kitchen, sometimes she says she wants to be a chef.

My stress level is much lower, amazing considering the financial state of our country. Fortunately, Hubby never factored my income into our family budget, everything is based solely on his income. For now I will enjoy the freedom to run my house and spend time with the kids like I have always wanted. My whole family has stated they would prefer me not work, they like me better this way. Back to the lower stress level, after the failed cycle my next period started 12 days after the initial one. Had a visit with the RE and he said that the abrupt stop of the Lupron screwed up my cycle and the bottom fell out....literally. It has been forever since I had a period that severe. The RE asked me to wait for another cycle before we start the med. process again, in the meantime we used this cycle to try on our own. A girl has to have her hopes and dreams, who knows, less stress may mean success.

My desire to have a child with my hubby has not diminished with time, in fact as I age I feel the tug at my heart increasing. I live with the thoughts that "It just HAS to happen".

It's a bust

This cycle ended up a complete wipeout. The leading follicle just wanted to show off. I went in this morning for and ultrasound and we discovered I had ovulated. Two eggs, one from each ovary. Bloodwork confirmed ovulation day as Sunday. We will still give it the old college try, but I don't have much hope for success. The plan is to start all over with my next cycle.

I am extremely disappointed and frustrated, wasted time, wasted meds., and wasted mental stress. I stayed home, cleaned house and took a nap. I just wasn't up for much human contact outside of my immediate family.

A new cycle

Today was the beginning of super ovulation #5. and cycle day 3. The appt. with the RE went well, I have one follicle that is ahead of the other's. It is on my right ovary, wont do me much good as there is no tube on that side. The plan is to get the other 8 or so follicles to catch up so we can get some good ones on the left side. Had my blood work and off to work I went. Tick - tock, time to pick up my kids for a trip to the Ped. for some immunizations, and physical for R. She is such a little lady, 4'11" and 71 lbs, she was terrified to get her shots but she was a trooper and did well. In the meantime I received a call from the RE's office, my estrogen level is in the low 90's, not really that great, it should be in 40's to low 50's. We decided since Insurance covers this 100% to just go for it and see what is going on come Friday. If it seems like its headed wrong due to the one big follicle we will tank the cycle and wait till next month in hopes of avoiding a cyst.

We started with 5 units of Lupron and 360 units of Follistim injections. And we are off.....

Life....oh, I didn't know I had one

My life has hit a bumpy patch. I have been vacillating between self pity, anger and empowered. Let's see, in the past 3 weeks: My sister has announced her 5th pregnancy, really made me sad, now I am worried for her, she has an active subchorionic bleed. They are watching her closely. Our house flooded due to a cracked toilet tank. I have been let go from my job. I have been there for over 5 yrs, a major international corp. bought the company out. Hubby and I have worked together just fine, but now new company says no relatives can be employed at same location. Since Hubby has been put in charge of this location, I must go. No ifs ands or buts. It sucks big time...what makes it worse? They made Hubby do the dirty work and inform me. I have spent the past 2 weeks helping new company (milking me for all my knowledge) with a smile on my face. At this point I am angry, and sad. The previous owners are aware and have another business but have not offered to let me work for that company. They have made me feel that my 5 yrs of hard work, and loyalty have been for nothing.


I am too tired to continue this so I will be back with more details soon.

Today....or yesterday because its tomorrow already

Was today better? Not really, I spent the day snuggled deep under my new fluffy bedding. I avoided the world for as long as I could. The BIL called this morning to see if we wanted to go to the beach....I just couldn't do it. I am not ready to put on a happy face for my sister and my period as reached epic proportions ( I am cramping like a villain and bleeding like a slit pig). I know you really appreciate the visual right. By 1pm I was starving so it became imperative that I extricate myself from the covers and get dressed and venture out for food. The hubby and M & R and I all went to Applebee's for lunch, nothing special but the Asian Chix salad I had hit the spot. We had to pick up crickets for M's gecko and then headed to Target for hubby's meds and I bought a 5 pack of underwear....you can never have too many pairs of cotton bikini underdrawers. By this point my uterus was falling out so hubby took R & I home and he and M went grocery shopping. (Yeah for the good guys in my life!)
E my niece (preg. sister's daughter) invited R to spend the night. No problem, they have such a great time together, Sis and her family came to pick R up, I was trying to rest at this point so I did not show my face (call me chicken, I don't care). I am just not at an accepting place as far as her pregnancy goes, I've only had 24 hrs to process this.
M was invited to the movies with his best friend and his Father. So hubby and I ordered pizza and ate in.
I spent the better part of the evening helping M install his video camera on his laptop and just generally hanging out. I am trying to focus on the blessings in my life....how many other Mother's of teen son's are actually welcome to hang out with their son's in their rooms? My kids talk to me, not about random bull, but about real stuff. About relationships, friendships, their changing bodies, nothing is off limits. We love each other and we say it and show it. Hubby is the same, he is my very best friend, we can talk about everything.
I cried as I soaked in the tub tonight, while I read a magazine and ate cherry licorice. I cried for the loss of a baby this month. I cried because I am sad and envious of my sister. Why is it easier for me to be happy for all the ladies I read here on the Internet who have success than for my own sister? I told my hubby it feels like their was this unspoken rule in our family, that it was my turn to get pregnant, and I feel like my sister broke that rule. It sounds stupid I know, but emotions are not always rational. I have not felt this down since our failed IVF, even the surgery in June to remove my right tube was not this depressing. It feels like every time I get knocked over it is getting harder and harder to re-group and get up. I am having an extremely difficult time finding my optimistic side at this point. I dread everything that requires communication with the world outside my immediate family and my house.

I am sooo NOT HAPPY!!!

I have had a horrid weekend. In chronological order

Friday 08-08-08 - Wake up to the downstairs toilet reservoir tank with a huge crack in it and our floors flooded. Hardwood floors - soaked, closet with photo albums - soaked, garage - flooded like a swimming pool. Hours of cleanup, calls to homeowners insurance, visit by adjuster, visit by clean - up crew, 10 huge fans, dehumidifiers and special bubble wrap looking mats with hoses scattered throughout house, baseboards ripped out. House in massive disarray.

Saturday 08-09-08 - Hubby runs to work to shoot of a quick email that he was unable to send the day before because of above problem. Get a call from Hubby - his computer crashed. He took it to a shop - hundreds of dollars later new computer with Hubby's info salvaged and transferred. Afternoon rolls around and daughter's laptop is infected with a virus, I can't fix ( desktop computer had virus last week, I fixed) take to same shop Hubby just left and find out virus is the same the desktop had, but it hid itself in the background. Computer has to be cleaned and restored to factory settings, losing all her info, she'll survive.

Continuing Saturday afternoon, my period was 4 days late...I stupidly got my hopes up. I mean I had a tubal removal surgery in June, I'm 41 yrs old, I was an idiot for thinking it could happen. Several hours of pain later ( I have adenomyosis) my sister calls. She says she has upsetting news to tell me. She is pregnant with her 5th child......I love her but WTF!!! Please understand I need to vent. So here goes...Brother - in - law was supposed to get a vasectomy 2 kids ago, but they said they couldn't afford the co-pay ( cause babies are cheaper right!) They have been fighting like mad for about 6 months, both threatening divorce (it's been very ugly). She has been smoking like a fiend because of marital probs. and drinking more than usual (every night when the kids go to bed). Tells me that they only had sex once in the past 3 months ( is that supposed to make me feel better?) They struggle financially because neither are fiscally responsible, they struggle as parents because they do not parent as a team and are not consistent. I sound bitter and angry...I am. I cried on the phone, I couldn't help it. She didn't want to make the call, but my Mom told her she had to do it sooner than later or I would be more hurt if I found out from someone else. She felt bad for me, I understand, but it didn't make me feel better. I told her I didn't know what to say except that I would come to terms but right now I was sad for me. I thanked her for telling me and that I was not mad at her, but that I needed to get off the phone.
I cried and cried and my head hurt and them I cried more. Hubby felt horrible for me, M & R felt horrible for me. Hubby felt horrible for himself. I told M & R that I needed them to know that my desire for another child was not because they weren't enough but because Hubby & I wanted one together. M gently reminded me that they weren't stupid, and that Hubby was a Dad to them even if there was no blood connection. I am blessed with such wonderful supportive kids, that makes it worse because I want another one that I know will be just as amazing. We are supposed to go to the beach with my sister and her family on Sunday.....I just don't know if I can handle it, plus my period is like the Apocalypse of all periods.

This sucks!!!

Weekend over

I hate the end of a weekend. It feels like you just get comfortable and in a groove and *poof* it's back to the grind of the week. The grind of the week seems to get to me more lately, could be for a myriad of reasons. So how was the last day of my weekend? Let me begin by saying I love my new sheets and bedding, I slept so comfy cozy I hated waking up. The dread of waking could be partly due to the unexplained scratchy throat that accompanied waking. I was fine when I went to sleep, please God do not let this be a re-run of my bout with strep about 6 weeks ago. The kids came home from time with their Father. R was tired and wanted to hang at home while hubby did laundry, M and I headed to Target to pick up some new pillows for him and some new ones for our new shams. It was nice to have a little time together alone, it's few and far between now that he has a girlfriend. By the time we got home an hour later I felt like I was melting. My throat was worse, my eyeballs were warm and my bones ached. I took some Ibuprofen and power napped on the couch for about 30mins. Got up and headed to Olive Garden to meet M's girlfriend and her parent's for dinner. They are great people and we really enjoy their friendship. Dinner was fun and then we headed home. I showered early, took some meds. and got in bed. I should have been asleep long ago but you know how that goes.

Oooo...I pulled out 2 more spitting stitches tonight, the last belly button one and a lower ab one. Only one left, in my center lower ab, I give it a few more days.

A great day

My children are with their Father this weekend. He came in town to visit before school starts. Every year for the past 8 some odd years I have paid for all school clothes and he has helped with some of the school supplies. Yesterday he offered to pay for all school clothes and said I could get the supplies this year. I am grateful as the clothes are more expensive. I have never sought an increase in support even though I am entitled and he makes considerably more money than I do, I'm only a tad bitter at this point so it means all the more that he stepped up this year.

So why was today a great day? Well, hubby let me sleep in for a bit then we got up and went out and grabbed a quick breakfast at Starbucks and we were off to shop for us. I am so excited, we bought 2 new sets of sheets and a new comforter set for our bed. I love them they are beautiful and soft and comfy. At the linen store we bought new towels, we all like big towels and we got hand towels and wash cloths to match, pretty cool. They are nice and fluffy and super absorbent.

Then we headed to the mall for some wandering. I picked up a Batman shirt for M and a Twilight shirt for R. I found 2 amazing pairs of jeans that fit perfectly (we all know how rare that can be). We ate lunch at Starbucks ( broccoli & cheese strata for me and artichoke & spinach for hubby). I needed a new bottle of my perfume (Chanel Chance) can't live without the stuff. Then we headed over to Best Buy, we needed an external hard-drive to transfer some things to from our work computers. I have quite a large collection of pictures and some personal documents I want to keep when the company sells. We picked up a few movies and then headed to the Lowes. Hubby got a work bench type thing and some pad things to put on the legs of R's bed. Then we hit the next mall. We wandered (got our exercise) and then hit Target to pick-up my Dr. Pepper and some bath gel for M. By this point we were both exhausted so we headed home, took the dog out and we both laid down and snuggled up for a very long nap. Woke up and talked to the kids for a few and then headed to Waffle House for a late dinner. HAHA...sounds fancy huh. Actually the food was really good, it's near our house and it's open late. We ran to Walmart to pick up a new mattress pad for our bed as ours was ugh, came home made up the bed took showers and settled in for the night. The best part of the day - spending time together, alone, very rare for us and a blessed opportunity.

On the fertility front we are still in a holding pattern. I am supposed to call the Dr. when I have my next cycle which should show up in about 4 - 6 days. We had unprotected sex around ovulation time in spite of what the Dr. ordered. Why risk it? Uh....I am 41 yrs old, I have 1 fallopian tube, and almost 2 years of injectible fertility treatments have left me with an empty uterus. I figured, fat chance we will conceive so why not throw caution to the wind. I did buy some new vitamins from the GNC store. They are supposed to help women's fertility health. You are supposed to take 3 a day, I am working my way up, started with 1 a day, now at 2. Figured it would be best to make sure I had no reactions to the meds. They have additional herbal supplements, no problems so far but it is supposed to take 3 months to notice a difference. Whatever. We saw the cutest toddler girl in the mall today, I wanted her, but hubby pointed out she was holding her Mom's hand and he didn't think that her Mom would give her to us. Oh well, I guess we keep waiting and try on our own until we get the ok to start injectibles again with timed intercourse. I almost forgot, I was able to pull out 1 of my 2 spitting belly button stitches and then a few minutes ago I pulled out 1 of 3 spitting ab stitches. I was soo excited. As of tonight I am still having the phantom fallopian tube pain, it seems less, hopefully it is still healing pain.

Photo: R after ballet camp with the Hermitage Ballet....isn't she lovely.

Nothing much

Nothing much seems to be going on with me, which I am taking to be a good thing. I have intermittent pain, but it seems to be less and last for shorter periods of time. Now we all know that since I just typed that sentence the pain is going to come back with a vengeance and kick my ass, cause that's how life is. I know I can't be the only one that is annoyed with the recent spate of celebrity conceptions. We have Rebecca Romijn and Jennifer Garner to just name two. Jen is probably a great Mom, I actually smile when I see pics of her and her daughter, she seems very involved. Rebecca, I think it annoys me because of Jerry's comments regarding their attempts at conception. He was so cavalier, who knows, maybe it was his attempt to mask the pain of infertility. Internet rumors point to assisted reproduction for them, if that's the case I am sorry they had to resort to AR, but you know, it sucks that people like that can try and try with no thought to expense. Flip side, as a former fertile now facing age related infertility some might say I should shut up and be grateful for the 2 children I have and to accept what I have and not be greedy. Sometimes I think many of us infertiles see a pregnant woman or a woman with a child and we automatically feel jealousy and dislike. I know until the other day after much thought, I never considered how that woman became a Mom. Maybe it took many years, tears, and lots of money. Maybe she had to use donor eggs or sperm, maybe she lost friends, family, or her marriage in the process to become a Mom. It might seem easy for me to say these things, but it's not, my heart still aches for a child with my husband. I still cry every time I start my period. I count the days till my hoped for ovulation, praying that this months egg is not to old and that it's released on the side that still has a tube.
Long commercial break there, I'm back.
I had a crappy day at work today. It started off great, mainly because I had an amazing weekend with my family. I swear I walk into that place and it immediately sucks the life out of you. It's not the job, it's the people. They are complacent, apathetic, lackadaisical...and on and on. Five years later and it is no better. I love my job, I get to work with my husband, we are a great team. That is main problem. We were not involved when I began working there, he hired me and a little more than 3 years later I married the boss (hubby). We have employees that cannot handle that. These people are intimidated and fearful that I have the inside track on the inner workings of the company. Yep, I do, it's a perk to being the bosses wife. Fortunately the owners of the company trust hubby's discretionary judgement as far as company info goes. Too bad for others. I refuse to betray the trust of my husband and the owners just to make other people comfortable. I know this is rambly, but it was so bad I had to leave the office for about 2 hours today to re-group and calm down. I am unfortunately subjected to the attempted sabotage of co-workers on a daily basis. Being Caesar's wife sucks sometimes.

Walmart at 11pm on Sat night

Last night I had to go to Walmart on 17 at 11:00pm, ok I really didn't have to go, but, see we were there earlier with R and my niece E. R wanted that movie "Penelope"...well since M and nephew G were hanging with my Mom for the night I decided to buy it. R and E than decided they wanted the Matt & Jeff Hardy wrestling DVD. I just think wrestling is stupid so I just didn't want to buy it. It took forever finagling but we ended up walking out with nothing. On the way home I felt bad, like who am I to tell my child something is stupid if she likes it. It isn't harmful in my opinion and well, I can't make my kids like what I like or vice-verse. So after they went upstairs and I cried to hubby cause I felt horrible (maybe a tad hormonal) I headed back to Walmart by myself at 11:00pm I get there, find the DVD, and head to the checkout. You know they only keep a few lanes open and all the winners go to Wally World late at night on the weekend. Guess what walks up behind me in line....A bride and groom in their full wedding attire, she with her hair supposed to be up but half falling down, and the hem of her dress filthy, but with him carrying it for her, he with half his shirt untucked and his pants dragging...they were beautiful!!!! The reason for their visit to Wally World...I know you are dying to know...they were purchasing 2 frozen Totino's brand pizza's and some beer. Surprised? NOT!!! You know when she planned her wedding, she thought, "Man, after the ceremony and reception I really want to go to Walmart at 11:00pm and get some frozen pizza and beer, that would be the perfect end to a most romantical day" or something like that....LMAO

Follow up

Well, my pain continued to increase everyday all day & night. I decided enough was enough and called the RE on last Fri. We determined it wasn't an emergency so I was prescribed some good pain meds and scheduled an appt. for this past Monday. In the meantime we had a fabulous weekend.

Friday night started out with dinner at a great Moroccan restaurant. They have live belly dancing....LOL...as opposed to dead ones. Saturday was the morning and afternoon spent at the water park with daughter, and some friends. Saturday night was when the real fun began....my sister and I took our two crazy girls to see WWE. Yep, we went to wrestling, the girls are totally into it, don't ask why, we have no clue. We had so much fun, it was not something I would have ever considered doing. It wasn't crazy like I thought it would be, by that I mean the fans. We were in the 10th row from the ring and were surrounded by super nice people. Sunday was a lazy day and then on to the beach to drop son off for a sleepover at a friend's beach-house.

My appt. on Monday went fine. First off my period started on Sat. afternoon, that explained the build up of pain. The RE checked on my incisions, assuring me that my spitting stitches would resolved themselves, but in the meantime looked good. He palpated my abdomen and performed a vag. ultra-sound. Everything looked and felt normal. He thinks my pain is still most likely pain from healing, having my period so soon after surgery probably irritated my uterus. His other opinion is subjective. He thinks it could possibly be my adenomyosis, he cannot be sure he got it all when he removed the SIN because of the way it infiltrates the uterus, he tried but he cannot be 100% sure. He said it will honestly take another 2 months to get the final results on my pain. He gave me several options to deal with the pain - #1 - Stop my periods all together for the next few months to give my body a chance to heal. The only ways to do that would be oral contraceptives, Depo - Provera shots, Depo - Lupron shots, or the patch. None of these sound appetizing for a variety of reasons, but the main reason is why would I want to stop myself from getting pregnant when I really want to get pregnant. He still wants me to call him when I have my 3rd period so we can start super - ovulation if I still want to. #2 - option is to suck it up and take it on the chin and take OTC pain meds and some prescrips. to help as needed. #3 - option and my absolute least fave - hysterectomy. I have decided to go with #2. I need to keep my body free of any extra hormones at this time so that I can get it as healthy and ready for conception as possible in the next 2 months. This is an abbreviated version of the whole visit, but it gets the point across. I am ready for this period to be done so the pain will lessen and move on to counting down the days till the next period. Pretty sad huh...counting the days till I bleed again so I can do it all again one month later, to then count the days when I can try to get pregnant and not have to count the days till I bleed.

Random pic:

Ghosty girls swinging in my backyard

Spitting stitches

That's me, professional stitch spitter. Sounds nasty, it is. All 4 of my incisions are "spitting stitches" in English, my body is rejecting the stitches that were place internally and so they are working their way to the surface of the incisions and coming out of my skin. It is not painful, a little irritating, but mostly disturbing and annoying. This is a 1st for me, although I don't know why I am surprised. Weird things happen to me. Weirder .... I think that the pain I am still experiencing at my right side where my tube was removed, I am wondering if the stitches used to close up the outside of my uterus are not dissolving either. Could that be why I am in pain? It might sound crazy but I know my body, I was right when it came to the SIN, I knew something was there even if all the previous tests told otherwise. I've been putting off calling the Dr., I guess I can't wait any longer, even my Mom is concerned. I have no signs of infection, everything points to healing...except for the "spitting stitches" and the continued pain where my right tube was.



I have been acutely feeling my infertility since this past weekend. Probably because my young nieces and nephews were among our July 4th revelers. I so enjoy them and as much as I love the stages that my 2 children are at, I miss little ones. My emotions have been on a slow up/down, nothing radical, I go from believing that we will conceive one minute to feeling like it will never happen. Living with no guarantee is difficult, but it just seems like infertility is kicking my emotional butt right now. I am a fight to the death kind of person. I don't give up. I just don't think I know how to let go of the baby I want to conceive. I feel like the pain of letting go is more akin to giving up and I just can't, my heart wont let me. In the meantime I can't deal with crushing defeat anymore either. I am almost afraid that I will push myself past the point of sanity and keep trying because I don't know how to stop and let go. I have read so many blogs lately that have inspired me to hope and believe it can happen for us too. Flip side - I get anxious that it wont happen for us. I love surprises, a surprise baby would be nice.

It's gone...again...kids mentioned

The pain is gone again... just like that. I mean I have residual pain from my surgery, healing pain but the ovarian cyst pain is gone...poof!!! Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, last night was a doozy, I took percocet and hydro-codone with a side of fenergen for nausea and I got nothing...no relief until early this morning. It was a weird popping sensation, I could really feel it, it hurt and then I was fine a few hours later. Did it burst, release, fizzle out like a balloon when it deflates? I have no clue and at this point I really don't care. I made it into work, and was able to accomplish everything that needed to get done for the day.



Completely off the subject....I have mentioned before that my children dance. Last week was a summer intensive ballet camp. 9am till 3:30pm Monday thru Friday. The studio my kids go to was lucky to have a guest Choreographer, the Director of the Columbia Classical Ballet out of Columbia, SC. It was awesome and the kids had a great time and learned so much. I say all this to tell you it was my daughter's first week wearing pointe shoes. Most of the kids were high school age, but there were a few younger ones like herself, including two boys. The instructor worked on basic partnering technique with the younger ones while the older kids did more advanced stuff. Insert a funny here....One of the little boys, a year younger than my daughter told him Mom he liked partnering with R (my daughter) the best. She told him that was nice but asked him why. His response..."Because R is firm"...his Mom tried not to laugh and asked what he meant. He said the other girl was squishy in the middle and it made his finger's sink in, where as R is firm in the middle and his finger's don't sink. He was dead serious so his Mom stifled her laughter till later. We had a good giggle over this one. When I told my son about his he said it actually made sense, girls that have strong "centers" have firm middles and they are easier to partner. You learn something new every day....but then again it shows that the male species prefers the female species with a firm middle from a very early age...LOL



Back to infertility....can it be any crueler that I am or did ovulate and was very aware of it but must avoid using that ovulation to get pregnant at all costs. I seriously thought about ignoring the RE and trying to convince hubby to give it try, but I decided an exploding uterus was not a chance I wanted to take. Quite a few of the blogs I lurk have had recent success and I am soo happy as their paths have been much longer and harder than mine. I am trying to use this as inspiration of good things to come instead of envy. I don't want to be bitter, except when it comes to teenage girls having babies and parent's that take their baby to the Walmart in nothing but a diaper and let them walk around barefoot...when I see these things I reserve the right to feel envy and bitterness and the desire to knock them out.



Today's random photo:


Niece on left, daughter on right.....super bowling queens

It's Back

Yep, the pain is back and it's front too. I am soooo over it. I was a little nervous today, allowing my mind to wander, fearful that my pain might be a sign of a uterine infection post - op. But, I am not running any type of fever, and I have no discharge ( sorry tmi), discussed the symptoms with my Mom (she's a nurse). We both think its another ovarian cyst rearing its ugly head, on the same side as usual, my right side. The side I had my tube removed from. I know its those damn b/c pills fault. In 6 months I have had 3 episodes and only after taking the b/c pills for IVF or surgery. Coincidence?...I think not.

In the meantime I think I will go crawl in a corner and cry....oh, wait I've already done that.

Woo Hoo, I am on a roll...children mentioned

A posting roll that is. It might be because my favorite spot lately has been my bed and I sit here comfortably propped up with mmmm....5 pillows in various configurations for maximum comfort. Hubby has a small slice of bed left. Speaking of hubby...it was his Birthday Friday, Happy 48th Birthday Stud!!!

I mentioned in an earlier post that I had my post - op appointment this past Tues. Physically I am doing well, all my little external scars are healing nicely. Since I have had no complications we are assuming that my insides are healing also. I am still sore, mostly toward the end of the day. Ok, back on track, after a once over by the Dr. we proceed into this "Office" to have a look at my lovely pictures from surgery and go over everything. I must say I have a beautiful uterus. My poor right tube, it was perfect except for that SIN...Dr. said he tried to think of a way to save the tube as it was in great shape, but the SIN was right at the connecting point of the uterus and the tube and there was no way to take it off, remove the SIN and then reattach without the serious possibility of major scar tissue that could either cause another cornual pregnancy or my pain would just come back with worse complications for the future. My RE knows how important it is to preserve my fertility to the utmost so he was conservative. He said my ovaries look great, my uterus is great with no damage to the inner sanctum and my other tube is perfect. He felt really good about my surgery and the outcome. Talk then turned to future conception. He was adamant that we do everything possible to avoid pregnancy for the next 2 months. He said it was very important for me to be truly physically healed before we try conceiving at all. A pregnancy before the 2 months is up could be dangerous to my uterus. Hubby and I agree even if waiting 2 more months sucks. I am not getting any younger here. I asked him what my options were, etc. He was straight up honest....he does not feel the need to run any more "fertility tests", he says he knows exactly how my body responds to the meds so that is not an issue. A few months ago, before my surgery he was leaning toward another IVF round for us, now he is discouraging us from the route. First off he went on to tell us his personal experience with his wife and her hysterectomy. He is the one that persuaded her to put it off , she had issues with her periods (painful, excessive bleeding, etc). He was not sure he was ready to give up on trying to have more children (they have 2 boys). He said he just could not bring himself to take the baby furniture down and put it away for good. He feels like he made his wife suffer longer than she should have before they finally made peace with her need for her surgery. Hubby and I thought he was about to cry as he told us this, we feel very lucky to have such a good relationship with our RE and his staff, he was truly speaking from the heart, not just as a Dr. He asked us to take the next 2 months as I heal physically and to really think about whether we want to continue this path of trying to conceive. He said unfortunately the one problem I have is the one problem he can't fix....my age. I ovulate on my own, and respond well to the meds, my eggs fertilize, they just peter out when it comes to division....just like me they hate math. He said that if we still want to pursue assisted reproduction at that point to call him when I start my 2nd cycle. He said our chances with IVF were in the teens, therefore not worth the huge expense for us. He said if our Insurance covered it or we were rich he would keep on with the IVF, but he does not feel comfortable taking our money with those odds. He recommends that we go back to super ovulation with timed intercourse. I respond well to the meds, make plenty of eggs. Yes, we will be losing half of the eggs as I only have one tube, but it will increase our chances of conception. Our Insurance covers all meds 100% for super ovulation plus all office visits. He said basically it was no out of pocket cost for us and he was willing to help as long as we were committed. Honestly it makes sense, and I get it and am comfortable with the answers he gave us. We both felt he truly has our best interests at heart. He knows how badly we want a baby but he said he cannot in good conscious take our out of pocket money without offering us better odds.

Soooo...it was not exactly what I was hoping for, maybe I was in denial. We left and I cried the whole way to the car and in the car on the way home. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I kept asking hubby why had we just spent the last 18months going thru everything we gone thru, spent all that money and still end up back at square one, with one less tube. Odds of conception are not great, face it I am 41 yrs old. I even told RE I had spent the past 5 months trying to get as healthy as humanly possible. He actually laughed at me and said of all his patients at my age I was in the best health, most of his patients are younger, significantly overweight with all kinds of health issues. He said I was trying to tune up a Ferrari....how cool is that....my RE says I am a Ferrari...I hope I am a bright red one. So in spite of my age and being lopsided with one tube my hopes are resting on injectibles to increase my egg supply so that we can make a baby. I have to believe its possible. I know alot of people wont understand, I have 2 kids already, hubby and I are old, yada yada, be grateful. The thing is I am grateful, so grateful to have a second chance at love with a man that loves me more than I could ever have hoped for, having a husband that loves the 2 children I brought into our marriage as if they really were his. I am grateful that my children love my husband and accept him as the every day Dad (their Dad lives far away...but he is great). I have an amazing family.... I am so grateful to have all this that I want more....greedy?...maybe, ok probably. I love being a Mom, in fact my Mom says from the time I was 2 if you asked me what I wanted to be as a grownup I would say "a Mom". I never wanted a career outside the home....I wanted to be a Mom. My hubby came late into the desire for a child. He is amazing with all children and all children love him. It would just be wrong for him not to experience being a Dad from scratch. I makes my heart thump extra thumps when I watch him with my young nieces and nephews. I want someone to call him Daddy, I want him to experience pregnancy, childbirth and middle of the night feedings. He would be soooo great and we would be so great together. We work together in the business world, we spend more time together than most couples and we are good together, we are a real team. I probably sound like a broken record but I can't help it, my heart wants this so badly. I dream of being pregnant. I see myself in really cute maternity outfits, so I am a little shallow, maternity clothes from 10 -15 yrs ago were ugly. It is so easy for me to picture this stuff because I have done it before and I loved it. I was good at being pregnant and that makes it suck even more now that I can't seem to get pregnant. Again I know I am lucky to have the 2 children I have, I hate that anyone has to experience infertility, I want everyone to succeed in their battle with infertility, not just me.

Ok, I know this post is all over the map, but so is my brain. It is a bit noisy in my head and it helps to empty it out here.

Surgery continued

Ok, so I left off with me undergoing surgery. (Insert elevator music here) Time passed and Walaaa...I am in recovery. It's mostly a blurr but I do have some memories, I remember my nurse checking on me, asking me how I felt, putting a nasal canal up my nose (those pronged nose thingys) to increase my O2 intake. She encouraged me to take periodic deep breaths to help me wake up and get the anesthesia out of my system, I received IV pain meds (love them) and she took my leads (sticky round things for monitoring) off my chest. In the middle of all this I keep hearing murmurs of talk regarding a bad storm and tornadoes. Huh...tornadoes, I then strained my ears to hear a torrent of rain in the background and realize from chatter that the hospital has lost power and is on generator power at this point...must be why I was so warm. I try asking my nurse about the storm and she confirms this and removes one of my blankets at my request. In my groggy state I grow concerned for my kids, they are at home and this storm is bad based on what I am hearing....a tornado touched down about 5 miles from the hospital. My kids are 15 yrs & 10 yrs with a 14 yr old nephew and 11 yr old niece also at home, so they are ok on their own, yet my motherly concern was in gear. My nurse tries to calm me and tells me that they will be moving me to my room soon. My IV meds were kicking in by this point and I am like...ok whatever. I had no idea what time it was, and from this point on I was in and out. Next thing I know the nurse is telling me we are going to my room, huh...my room, this was a day surgery procedure I am supposed to go home. Nope, she tells me that the Dr. wants to keep my overnight to monitor me for bleeding (more on this later). Fine with me, more IV meds...LOL

I get to my room about 5pm and get situated and get more meds and then hubby shows up, he had already checked in while I was in recovery (I have no memory of this) and then he went home to check on the kids because of the storm. Fortunately all was well, just a little nerves on the two younger ones part. I ask hubby to explain why I am staying overnight and he gives me the lowdown. The surgery went well, Dr. was able to do it completely by scope. He went in thru my belly - button and 3 small incisions right above my pubic area. Let me explain a little about my SIN (salpingitis isthmicus nodusa) - it caused diverticulitis where my tube enters the uterus (the cornua), it also grew into the lining somewhat. Unlike a fibroid that has defined borders the SIN is more like grass sod, it grows into the lining and it is difficult to find a plane to excise on. My Dr. made an educated decision to cut a little past the edge of the SIN nodule and ended up cutting 4cm into the 7cm depth of my uterus without entering the uterine cavity. He then layered my uterus to get good closure added some meds to the actual uterine incision area and decided that he did not want to risk sending me home in case of hemorrhaging. I wise decision I think. I was extremely sore and very tired and slept for most of hubby's stay. My best friend stopped by, I slept through that and then my son, his girlfriend and my nephew stopped by after dinner and brought me the most beautiful orange and yellow Gerber daisies. My daughter called me to check on me, she decided to spend the night at my sister's with my niece (she is not a hospital fan, hence the call instead of a visit). After everyone else left hubby stayed to help me to the bathroom to pee....not fun, my bladder was numb, it took forever and I cried. Hubby and the nurse tried to get me to eat .... tip...a regular diet is not recommended several hours after surgery. It made me nauseous just smelling it and 2 small bites made me spit...I had to rinse my mouth out and use the little hospital spit tray they give you...food was not my friend at this point...I cried again. Hubby sat with me and held my hand and then I shooed him home, I had a comfy hospital bed, a great nurse, wonderful meds and he needed sleep. About 10pm my nurse was kind enough to bring me some soup and I was able to eat about half of it. My night was pretty uneventful, I was able to get up and to the bathroom by myself, slowly dragging my IV pole with me. I hate asking for help. They kept my meds coming on schedule so my pain was manageable and I was able to sleep in between. I was lucky they didn't bother me too much during the night.

I woke early the next morning due to a blood draw to make sure all my levels were good with no internal bleeding. Ate a little breakfast and slept some more. After getting a good check to make sure all was as it should be I was discharged about noon. Hubby took me home and got me settled with my bedside table stocked with fresh water and meds, my cell phones and the remote for the TV. Hubby really had to go to the office, its only 5 minutes from the house, but my son was there and he checked on me hourly and even helped me up to go pee. Getting out of my bed at home was much more work than the one at the hospital even with all the pillows propping me up. My stomach was sooooo sore and my stomach muscles (little that I have) were just not willing to assist in my attempts to get in and out of bed without assistance. That's what big strong 6'1", 15 yr old sons are for. To help their old, sore, recovering Mom's get up to pee.

So as far as surgery goes that's it in a boring 2 part nutshell. Everything went well with no complications. My uterus was preserved for hopeful future use. Pain is mostly mild to moderate depending on my med level and exertion, which is minimal at best. Next up, recovery and my post - op appointment with the RE to get the skinny on my surgery, the pathology report on my tube and our future in conception.

My surgery

Let's see if I can get this written in one sitting. Last Thursday, June 19th, was the dreaded day. We had to report to the hospital at 8:30am, I let admissions know I was there and then we sat...and sat..and sat. Finally at 9:45am they were ready to take me back for pre-op. Normally they ask your support person (my hubby) to wait in the waiting area until they have the patient settled and then they allow them back to sit with the patient until surgery time. I had a not so pleasant experience last time we were there in April 2008 for my diagnostic Lap. surgery. My nurse just didn't listen to me. The lady that took me back was sweet and understood and let my hubby come with me...yeah. So back we go and it looks like I will be getting the same nurse as before....BOO!!!, she peeks her head in and hubby & I swear she remembered me. Next thing I know I have a different nurse...Yeah!!! Assumptions were confirmed, other nurse told her about my veins and how I am not a big fan of using drinking straw size needles to start an IV. I have good veins, but they are not huge, most nurses salivate when they see my veins, I could be a great junky...if I didn't hate needles so much. Anyway, hubby and I came prepared with our own tote bag for my belongings and his book, etc but we used their stylish plastic bag to store my clothes. You see, by the time they brought me back they were in a hurry, everyone was behind. I had to strip, pee in a cup (mandatory pg test) and get in the bed. I was given a lovely cap to contain my long silken hair...Ha! Shout out to my nurse Shanna!!! She was the most amazing IV put-er in-er. A quick lydocaine stick (their policy) and then she was in, no pain, it was awesome. We met with the anesthesiologist, he made us both feel very comfortable. Met with the Dr. went over procedure, I wrote on my tummy with sharpie and drew an arrow with a smiley face pointing to my belly-button ( Fix this :) --------> as my belly-button was less then stellar after the last procedure. RE had actually asked me to do this so he would be reminded. I call both my kids to tell them I love them and my bestest nurse Shanna comes in and gives me a wonderful does of Versed (sp?) and as I begin to feel fabulous its time to go to the OR. Hubby kisses me, tells me he loves me and assures me that all will be well.

It is so weird to be wheeled into the OR awake, they always look like they do on TV and that always surprises me...every time. I am schooched over onto the OR table, given a mask, told to breathe and relax, assured that all will be well...again....and that's it for me.

And now that's it for me tonight, my pain meds are kicking in and that is not conducive to typing. I guess that means I will be continuing this saga later. Da da da (dramatic continuation music plays)

I survived

My surgery went well and I had my post - op appt. with the RE today. I have so much to write about, but I am just not in the right place emotionally to get it all out in a cohesive, coherent way. Some of it is good and some of it is not so good, but not horrible either. I just have to find my "glass is half full" before I can process everything.

Pre - Op

Today was my pre - op appt. with my RE, they guy who is doing my surgery. I know it might sound kooky but I always have fun when I go to his office. He is beyond brilliant, sooo super smart that he is funny. So I take a rest with both my feet in one stirrup in a lovely paper gown with a matching paper lap blanket and wearing nothing else. Hello!!!...it's cold in here, I'd be warmer if I could just make a small bon-fire out of my paper finery. It was so cold that Personally I think having to lay on your back with your legs spread and feet in stirrups is bad enough, you'd think they would provide some warmer attire. I digress .... the RE comes in and we proceed to take a look - see at my uterus from the inside out. All is as it should be, except my bleeding is a little heavier at this point than he would like pre-operatively, so if by 12pm Wed. I am still bleeding I am to slap 2 estrogen patches on my butt and wear them till I go into the hospital for surgery on Thurs.

I was able to ask about the bc pills and how they affect my salpingitis and the pain. He confirmed what I thought all along, the bc pills or mainly the progesterone in the bc pills aggravate the salpingitis, therefore making my pain levels rise. He said he did not believe that the salpingitis has not prevented implantation of a pregnancy, but due to the diverticulitis hubby's sperm and my egg just might not be meeting in the tube. Ok, so now what, the tube will be gone, thus eliminating my pain but without the tube where are the sperm and egg supposed to hook up? Around the corner at the other tube you say, ok, so why hasn't that happened already. Funnily enough he said that pregnancy usually calms the salpingitis, ie it is not aggravated and causing me pain. Ironic, pregnancy would help ease my pain, yet I haven't been able to achieve that.

After my exam we met in his office to go over the planned procedure (Laproscopic) and discuss all risks. Not a fun, but a necessary conversation. He laughed and said he needed to admit something. He said he only did the diagnostic Lap. surgery in April because I demanded it. He truly did not believe he would find anything wrong. My HSG, and the many many ultra-sounds had all shown everything within normal limits. He said when he saw the salpingitis on my tube, he looked around the drape at me and said " Damn!...she wasn't crazy after all." LOL ... Some people might not see the humor in this, I did, because I know him and know it was not intended as an insult. He said I have to give you this one, you knew your body even if all other diagnostics said otherwise. The plan is to do the complete removal and resection with the scope, with 3 tiny incisions in my pubic area and one through my belly-button. If he can't control bleeding he will cut me open like a c-section procedure. He does not anticipate that happening as he does not believe that the salpingitis infiltrates my actual uterine cavity. Worst case scenario, besides death (not gonna happen) is losing my uterus to uncontrollable bleeding. I am not too worried, I have Faith in my RE but most importantly God. Right now it will day surgery, and recovery at home for 1 week barring no complications.

OOOO... I showed the RE my belly-button and the protrusion he left me with. I explained that my Mom made my belly - button (I was an unplanned homebirth) and he messed it up. He laughed and told me to write with a sharpie on my stomach and put an arrow pointing to my belly- button with the words "Fix me" so that he doesn't forget....LOL. I plan on doing just that and will post a lovely picture. We also discussed future fertility only vaguely, basically we want me to heal and then come in for a re - group. At this point, I am want my FSH tests and other blood work repeated once I heal so that we can see where we are at and go from there. I told him I still want a baby with hubby, and am willing to give it my all, but I refuse to make myself insane in the process.

So, we are all good and ready to go. My pain seems to be worse everyday, so I am actually looking forward to this procedure. I have thoughts on my peaceful state at this point, with infertility, my surgery etc, but I will save that for another time.

Surgery looming

The surgery to remove my right fallopian tube is scheduled for Thursday. I am facing it with mixed emotions. I am ready for the pain to stop, but I am afraid. Part of me wonders if the bc pills have exacerbated this salpingitis. I never had this much pain until the 1st time on the bc pills for our IVF in January. The pain has been pretty unrelenting since, but this is the 3rd time I will have been on those stupid pills. Believe me the irony is not lost on me. 3 of the last 6 months I have been on the bc pills. Please explain how that helps a 41yr old woman conceive.....it doesn't. I don't think my body has had a break since January, with all the hormones for the IVF and then the meds for the 1st surgery and now again for this surgery. It takes the body a chance to regulate itself and to get rid of all those hormones before it will allow a pregnancy to take. At this point I just want the pain to end and I want to be pregnant with a healthy baby on the way. Maybe I am spoiled, I was able to get pregnant as planned when I wanted with my other 2 children, and I truly believed that it wouldn't be any different this time. We have only been trying for 3 years, and with assistance for about 1 yr 1/2, seems like forever to me. I know there are many women who have been trying for much longer and with no success. I just don't know how they do it, the constant failures get to me and make me want to throw in the towel. I want a child with my husband, but I would like to retain a small semblance of my sanity if possible.

The above was on my mind more than usual, if that is possible because we ran into my OB/Gyn at dinner tonight. After all we have been through we have a great patient/Dr. relationship. We spoke and I updated him on my upcoming surgery, Hubby filled him in with the details as I was being introduced to his wife. My Mother was with us and she and his wife used to work together, they are both nurses. In November 2007 they had boy/girl twins conceived on the 3rd round of IVF. They are thriving now, but were born at 25 weeks gestation. In the past my Dr. has told me how scary having preemies was considering the shoe was on the other foot for him. He has delivered many preemies and dealt with a myriad of pregnancy complications, in other women. It was a whole nother ballgame when it was his wife and his babies. They used the same RE for their fertility treatments but she obviously chose a different OB. Speaking with his wife about her journey with infertility and eventual success made me believe IT could happen for us too. I am just tired of the disappointment.

Random pic: Son at ballet, he can almost fly....

Infertility

This blog started as a way for me to document my thoughts, feeling and events regarding my journey with secondary infertility. I feel like I have gotten off track lately. Explanation...I took myself off the path of infertility for a bit...for my sanity. Infertility is still there and it rears its head every month, but with the pain, Lap surgery I had to remove myself somewhat. I just could not deal with infertility every day. Maybe it's because I already have two children, some may not agree, but the desperation for one more child is very real. I know what I am missing out on if I never get pregnant again. I don't want to miss that, but then again I have been evaluating where I am and the very real possibility that it might not happen for us. As hard as it is I have to face that and come up with a game plan for my mental health if that happens. Flip side ~ I cannot afford to lose myself in this pursuit ~ I have two children that still need me as a presence in their lives. I can't be absent from them in trying to create a possibility.
I am coming to terms that I may never get to be a Mom again. I am trying to be OK with it and try it on for size.
We are not ready to give up yet and refuse to make any decisions until after I have healed from my upcoming tube removal. Who knows maybe once this is over we may conceive all on our own ~ stranger things have happened. We may continue to try with medical intervention, great or small. Or we may just stop. Either way I can't focus on it too much at this time so I instead choose to redirect my attentions to other things.

In the meantime my fallopian tube pain is back ..... again...bad. It sucks eggs big time and I am at the point where I cannot wait for this surgery. I am ready to be pain-free. Hubby and I have come to the conclusion that the bc pills seem to exacerbate this SIN ( salpinitis isthmica nodosa ). I seems it is most intense when I am on the pill (prior to surgery or IVF) that it is the worst. I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything else like this.

Better but not best

I am better but not my best.

Recital 2008 is over!! Yes, it was awesome, worth it and now we are done....till next year. I am sooo proud of my kids, they did such a beautiful job. I am so grateful I was well enough to participate fully like I usually do. Maybe a pic or two at a later date.

I still have several days to go on the antibiotic and I cannot wait to be done with it. It obviously works but it makes my stomach hurt, not like nausea, but physical pain. In addition to that my fallopian tube pain is back. It is so random, I never know when it will surface, it used to be so predictable. This is main reason for going ahead with my surgery, I have to be able to function and the pain makes it hard. Can I just take a moment and say that getting sick this close to my surgery has been a major inconvenience? It has been and will be. I have so much work to catch up on at the office, stuff at home that I need to get done. My impending surgery will just put me out of commission for another week and I hate it at this point. It's not fair to my family, job, etc. This surgery better work so I can recover and get back to being the Mom/Wife/Employee I need to be.

Did I mention I feel a fever blister coming on?

Stressed to the max

Or should I say strep-ed to the max. Last Friday night the kids and I met some friends for Concert in the park, featuring The Veronica's, Kate Vogele and Natasha Bedingfield. We had a blast, it was the first concert for both of my kids. We will definitely make it a habit though. I felt great that night when I went to bed.......BAM woke up Sat. morning with a horrible sore throat and achy all over. Took Ibuprofen and Tylenol for the pain and sipped soup and slept the day away. Wake up Sunday and repeat, only this time feeling worse, could barely swallow and my throat looked like I was a reject from the sword swallowing act in the circus. I was so miserable that I barely slept Sun. night. My Mom came and took me to my Dr. as my hubby had to get R to school and he had to open the office since I was otherwise engaged.

My Primary Dr. was out so I had a sub, yep, it was like having a bad sub in school. He had no clue. They swabbed and took blood and told me my throat looked unremarkable......WTF, unremarkable for a Jackson Pollack maybe. He sent me on my way with the diagnosis of a possible virus and either "you will get better or worse". UH...Thanks!!! So I just begged my Mom to take me home, she hooked me up with water and OTC meds for pain and left me to try and sleep. Luckily since I homeschool M and he is 15 he was helpful. Fast forward through a miserable day .......3am I beg hubby to take me to the ER as I had begun to vomit (pretty huh). Thank God....the ER was empty and they got me back right away. They swabbed, took blood and got me started on IV fluids with some Toradol for pain and Fenegren for nausea. Didn't really help so we upped it to Morphine and Zofran for same. This time so relief, love me some Morphine. About this time test results start coming back, I have raging Strep Throat and its has progressed to my blood. Not good, but good that I came in. (Thanks Dr. from earlier in the day) They started me on IV antibiotics, Clindamycin as I am allergic to Amoxil and Sulfa drugs, and was also given a 2nd bag of fluids. We left about 7:30am with me feeling nice and drugged up and hydrated. OH....did I mention that my period also started on Sat.? Makes things even more fun, kinda like a bad carnival ride. I was able to sleep for the rest of the day and my prescription pain meds kept me mostly unconscious, just like I like it.

Tues. night not so good, I felt worse, reason being, my throat was so messed up I just could not swallow enough fluids to keep me hydrated, so off to the ER we go for another bag of fluids, some more nausea meds and then back home to sleep. Finally I was able to rest, take fluids orally on Wed. and had two full days of antibiotics in me.

Thurs. was my best day so far, I was actually able to eat solids and drink. My pain is down and I just feel really weak at this point.

To add to the stress of all this....this was M's exam week, normally I handle all of his schooling but hubby stepped in and took over for me. I am so blessed and the two of them managed to suck it up and get things done. Poor R, this is the week before recital and a girl needs her Mom to help her with hair and make-up for pictures. Luckily hubby stepped up and made sure both kids were taken care of. Some of the other Mom's helped R with her hair and make-up and she was ok with that. Usually I am on top of all this recital stuff so I feel kind of lost right now. Tomorrow is dress rehearsal so I am sure I will catch up on the details then. In the meantime M and I have to run errands tomorrow and pick up new ballet shoes, tights and last minute hair stuff. I think I am up for it, but I know I will be wiped out by tomorrow night. Not to mention my Ex, M & R's Dad is coming in town. It's great for them, but he never makes things easier for me, just more to juggle.

Now here it is, I am exhausted but I have slept so much this week that I can't sleep now. My noisy brain is in overdrive.

Random pic:

Bowling alley fun with M & R

Summer vacation...hurry up...(kids mentioned)

I cannot wait for school to be over for this school year. Both of my kids are sooo over school. M - is doing 2 days worth of work 3 times a week so he can be done sooner. Since he is homeschooled we have that flexibility. R - is dragging, unfortunately she does not have the same luxury as M. She attends a Montessori school so we are subjected to their schedule and that means she has school until June 13th. What happened to the days of summer, back in the day summer vacation was June thru August with everyone going back right after Labor day. Summer should be a full 3 months, at least in my opinion.

I have managed to manage my stress without having to resort to meds. If you knew me, you would realize that is nothing shy of a miracle. But this weekend begins the real stress. I am the parent of 2 dancers and recital is June 7th. My kids will be in approximately 10 dances each, just a guesstimate as M dances more than R due to his being homeschooled. That is 20 costumes total. Do you have any idea how expensive dance costumes are? Unlimited dance classes? All types of dance shoes, ballet, tap, jazz, etc. Recital is the culmination of a years worth of blood sweat and tears, and not just for the kids. I am a basket case by the time the recital curtains go up. Don't get me wrong...I love it and so do the kids. It wouldn't be worth the time and money if they didn't. I am just soooo worn out by this time of year. I have to organize all the costumes & accessories , putting them in performance order for quick changes. I have to make sure both kids have new tights, and that their shoes are in good shape (no dirty ballet shoes on stage). I have to make sure I have all hair and make-up stuff together for both kids, yep, even M has to wear make-up on stage otherwise he would be washed out. It's always amazing and I am always so proud but then the clean-up begins, making sure everything is accounted for after the show, all pieces and parts gathered and then costumes cleaned and made ready for storage. Why keep the costumes when it's over? Considering we spend several thousand $ a year on costumes and sometimes parts of them can be re-used or mixed & matched with a new costume, well it's worth the hassle of storage.

New random pic of kids in one of last years recital costumes.

Memorial Day ....Thank You

A big Thank You to all the veterans and active duty military personnel!! My husband is retired Army and served for almost 25 yrs. I feel blessed that he loves his country enough that he dedicated such a large portion of his life to serving our country. We had a special family day today, started with church and then lunch (a little rocky) and then fun at the pool with family. I now have a few funky tan lines from not rotating enough while at the pool..LOL

Fertility related thoughts were bouncing in my head today. I so badly want to share the joy of pregnancy and raising a child with my husband, but. Yep, but...my sister-in-law came to the pool with my 2 nephews today, a 2 1/2 yr old and a 9 month old. Wonderful, sweet, amazing boys, I love them sooo much, but I really watched how much work it was for her. She had to bring so much stuff with her, swim diapers, floats, water-wings, snacks, regular diapers, bottles, etc. Then I realized that she can't just get in the water to cool off when she wants, she can't lay out on the chair and read or relax. For me to go to the pool with my kids, we take the normal essentials (towels, sunscreen, water and snacks) after those items my kids choose what pool fun they want to bring. Everyone carries their own stuff. My kids both swim, and swim very well ( R-she's 10 1/2 and M-he's 15) I can get in and out of the pool at my whim, I don't have to entertain as they usually hook up with friends, I can read and relax without having to watch them like a hawk (I don't sleep, I look up and and listen out for their voices). I realized that I might not want to give up that luxury, sounds petty, but there are other things too. I can sleep in, I have help with household chores. My kids can stay home together without an adult when hubby and I go on the occasional date. My kids can fix their own food if necessary (sandwiches, soup, etc) Everyday that goes by that I am not pregnant and getting older I realize I have it sooo good, and do I really want to mess with that. It sounds flaky, but I guess it's normal to be wishy-washy when dealing with infertility and all the emotional crap that it involves. I know I would never regret having another child, I would love a new child as much as I love my existing children, and it's a real possibility I might regret not continuing to try to have another child. It all just messes with your head, and for sure my brain is tired and I am sick and tired of feeling physically and mentally crappy from either the hormones or the disappointment that goes with infertility. I just wish it were easier and more clear-cut.

Random picture for today:

A picture of my son with the Batman brownies I made.....he still wants to grow up to be Batman...LOL

Busy

Today was busy. My lovely daughter woke up complaining of a headache and a stiff neck. I assumed the stiff neck was from sleeping on it funny and the headache was from the morning congestion, thinking back now, who wakes up with a headache, I should have paid better attention. Hubby took her to school as it was my turn to open the office. I sent her off with instructions to call me if it didn't get better. 30 minutes after she arrived at school the nurse called to let me know that she had a fever so off I went to pick her up. We were slightly concerned (stiff neck, fever and headache can mean meningitis) but after running through a few observations we determined that she probably just has a viral bug. I brought her home and gave her Motrin and Benedryl and she took a bath and went to sleep. My son stayed home with her while I went back to work for a little while. ( My office is literally 3 minutes from my house and son is 15 yrs old so I felt comfortable leaving) I brought the kids lunch and daughter got up, ate a bit and took more Motrin and went back to bed.

I made the decision to cook for dinner tonight. A miracle...last time I cooked was Feb 14, 2007, I hate cooking. Before going home I trekked to the store and bought groceries, it was foreign....I also hate grocery shopping. Arrived home to daughter still sleeping and son caught a ride to dance. The amazing thing about coming home early is the ability to get things done around the house. I really wanted to nap but knew if I laid down that would be it, I would crash. Instead I did laundry and prepared brownies with powered sugar Batman emblems on them...very cool! Daughter got up, took more Motrin and went back to sleep again, I made sure she was drinking so as to stay hydrated. I cooked and it was awesome, I can cook, I just choose not too. Daughter (R) ate chicken noodle soup after taking her 2nd bath of the day. She said the baths helped her aches in her bones. She was still running fever but seemed to be feeling a little better, I'm sure the sleep helped. She will stay home with Son (M) in the morning while I go into the office till noon and then we will take him to homeschool dance and she and I will come home and chill for the rest of the day. I think we will cook something for dinner together if she feels up to it, she loves to cook.

In the midst of all this we had someone call out sick today at work which is why I had to go back in after picking R up from school. Normally it wouldn't be a problem but we had visitors in the office today and that required a full staff.

For the past week I have been waking up with my hands and feet slightly swollen, usually this only happens right before my period and it subsides once I am up and moving. I am no where near starting my period and it never lasts more than a day or two, and its lasting all day. Weird. My hormones are probably so mixed up. I still want a baby, one baby, all these shows on TV about multiples and having 2 little ones visit have convinced me I am too old for more than one...LOL Sometimes I see myself pregnant again so clearly, it comes out of the blue, and other times it feels like it will never happen. I can see it in my mind and I feel it in my heart, my heart aches to love another child, to create a child with my husband. This weekend with visiting little ones brought home to me how wonderful my husband is with other children and I can only imagine how amazing he would be with ours. I so want to share that with him.





Niece E & R with C (little visitor) swinging in our backyard

I did it

What you ask did I do? I made it through the past 2 weekends without needing my anti-anxiety meds. That is a major accomplishment considering what I was dealing with. We had that cookout the first weekend and this past weekend we had company. I was thrilled to see our company, but it always stresses me out...most people can understand that. I had to get my house in order, and then we small children here. A 4 yr old and an 14 month old. I have many nieces and nephews but we haven't had a little one in the house for an extended period in quite awhile. The most nerve wracking is the fact that we have stairs. So needless to say I am exhausted from being on my toes the entire weekend, but we had a great time.

The kids are so ready for school to be over for the year. It seems to be dragging for all of us, and we still have till June 16th...sucks!

Random pic of the day:

Hubby dancing with one of our guests

Happy Mother's Day

Today was Mother's Day, we went to church with my Mom and then to lunch with her and my brother's family. I am blessed with an amazing family. My husband is a good listener and bought me this dress that I have been eyeing for weeks and my kids got me Target gift cards...I love Target. I was then able to come home and get a nap in with no interruption. It would have been nice to do something outdoors today but the weather was rainy for the most part.

Hubby and I went to the cookout I mentioned previously. We had so much fun. It was awesome to see friends I had not seen in years and to introduce hubby to everyone. It was a little crazy as I had never been to a cookout that was being filmed for TV, but surprisingly enough I wasn't nervous and being interviewed was interesting to say the least.

My belly-button has not completely healed and I still have that small protrusion. I have resigned myself to having this surgery, I feel at this point I cannot live with the pain, especially since I am never sure of when it will strike. I still want to get pregnant, and we will be putting our best effort forth this month, you never know it could happen. My ambivalence about having a baby comes and goes. I think its my hearts way of protecting me from disappointment especially with my upcoming surgery.

It's back

The pain came back with this cycle and I can't believe I forgot how bad it was. I have been on the fence about having this surgery and now I have fallen off the fence. I can't believe how bad the pain is and that I forgot how bad it is. I guess it's God's way of protecting us. I am sooo miserable. This time I didn't wait, I called the Dr. and made an appt for the same day. My GP prescribed me some Darvocet to get me through the worst of it. I really don't like the way it makes me feel, it doesn't work as well as hydro-codone and honestly I need the hard stuff for this pain. I also had him prescribe me some Ativan to help with my stress. I used to be on Elavil for depression and have been off of it for about 2 years. I am trying to hold out in hopes of getting pregnant, hopefully the Ativan on an as needed basis will get me through the rough times.

I have a cook-out to go to on Sat. afternoon. It should be interesting. I have had a friend for years who has battled weight issues. She has some connections in the Entertainment industry, friendships she has built over the years she lived in California. At this point she has been given the opportunity to share her journey through television. Hubby and I are going to the cookout to celebrate her losing 50lbs so far and for the tv crew to film this event. After the party I have a scheduled interview with the producers. I am assuming I will be asked how we met my take on her battle thus far. Crazy huh? I don't want to use names as I don't want to steal her thunder and she has her own web page. As time goes by I may feel free to disclose more details.

Random photo: Kids dancing at hubby's nephew's wedding reception in Maine this past December.

It's the little things

Today the little things made me happy. I did not go to work today, my head was still hurting and my dear wonderful hubby, who is also my boss was completely ok with that. I would like to think that he got it and understood that this huge knot and cut on the side of my head was not a joke. So I was able to sleep more as I did not sleep well during the night due to my head hurting. When I did get up I watched a little tv and cleaned both the master and hall bathroom upstairs. It took me about twice as long as it normally would but I just wasn't up to pushing myself with this headache. I was able to watch some more tv before it was time to pick the kids up from dance. We then met my Mom and hubby and my best friend for dinner. Hubby has been especially attentive since last night. We had a blow-out after my injury. It's been a longtime coming as we have not been on the same page for a few weeks. I swear I have tried but he has been so wrapped up in work issues (yes, I understand and I have been supportive)but he has been distant. After our blow-out which involved me screaming and crying and telling him I don't feel important (I cited examples), the light clicked and he seems to have gotten it. I don't expect perfection, nor do I expect to always be the center of his universe, but I do need to feel that there are times when I will come first. I felt that my head wound counted as an instance of importance.



The kids are busy with dance, recital is coming up soon and they both take performing seriously. Lovely daughter's pointe shoes were ordered today and they should be in by Wed. She is soooo excited and she is soooo ready. This week is also CRCT testing for the county for her grade and several others and she gets a little nervous as doing well is important to her. Son is counting down the days till school is over for him. Even though I homeschool him I keep his schedule in sync with daughter's as it it makes holidays easier. 10th grade next year, I cannot believe how quickly he has grown up.



Another random photo for today....




This is from a dance competition about 5 years ago, which would make daughter 5 yrs and son 10 yrs. They were sooo cute and little then.