Happy Thanksgiving

Today was a wonderful family, food, fun filled day. We had 24 people at my Mother's house for Thanksgiving.

On the infertility front....well the last cycle of meds ended up empty...again. I thought for sure it had worked, disappointment once again. The RE has not cycles scheduled for November due his family vacation schedule. When I last spoke to him he offered a Dec. cycle or a Jan. cycle. It was early in the morning and I was half asleep when he called. I am fine with waiting till Jan 2009 as we have a busy Dec. planned along with a vacation out of town. I don't need the extra added stress a medicated cycle brings. So Jan. 2009 it is. I am not sure if I understood the RE, but he said something about letting me have one more cycle. Not sure how he said it and if I took it the right way. When I had my surgery he assured us with our Ins. coverage we could do many more super ovulation cycles after I healed. Unfortunately the 1st post-op cycle was a bust and had to be cancelled, so we have only had 1 full super O cycle. I just can't see how he could cut me off without letting us try longer. I get it...I am almost 42 but he says I am a young 42 and my ovarian reserve is within normal limits. I guess it will come down to my powers of persuasion.

Creepy girls on Halloween!!

Another cycle down the drain

It totally sucks....this cycle was a failure, another in a long line of failures. I had such high hopes, felt so positive about this try. We did everything right. I responded well to the meds, hubby and I were extra vigilant with meds and timing. We had Dr. prescribed sex on schedule, and nothing, big fat zero. Time is running out for me, I am starting to feel antsy and harried. The emotional toll this takes on me does not get any better, in fact it seems to be worse, mostly because time is short. I will be 42yrs old in 5 months, something has to give. I am not ready to give up...not sure I ever will be able to give up on my own. I just feel in the deepest part of my heart that we are supposed to get pregnant and have a baby.
Once again, I had a good cry, I'll feel sorry for myself for a few days and bounce back with a positive attitude and keep plugging away towards my dream of being a Mom one more time, making my husband a biological Father for the 1st time.

I have heat

Went to the RE's office today for another ultrasound to check progress of my ovaries and the thickness of my uterine lining. RE takes his normal peek at ovaries....he starts with the right side...the not so important side as there is no tube on that side. I have follicles....a good number of them. Impatient me asks about the left side...the so very important side. His response..."Yep, we have heat". He was pleased, I am responding well to the stimulation, I actually do better on meds. for super - ovulation than I did when doing IVF. It's been 10 months Oct 24th that I smoked my very last cigarette. I miss them sometimes, mostly when I am stressed, the rest of the time I can't stand the smell. I am hoping that the length of smoke free time will increase our chances this month. I have my last 5 units of Lupron in the AM and then my last Follistim injection in the PM. Come Sat. morning, I will be woken up by hubby at 8AM for my HCG in the rump shot. I know, your thinking, "what a wonderful way to wake up" a large jab in the butt by an even bigger needle. At this point in the cycle I get a little weepy, and I am so over being stabbed in the belly with sharp objects. I feel really good about this cycle, in a way I haven't since our very first try. I would hate to jinx myself or get my hopes up to have them dashed to the concrete floor like I jar of pickled eggs in a gas station. How does a person put themselves through all this without hope. Without hope what would be the point. A very fine line we walk to maintain some semblance of sanity.

It's been awhile so here is a random pic:

M & his friend N, photo shoot for School Dance Dept.

For documentation purposes

Well, we are in the midst of another Super Ovulation cycle. This one seems very different than all the others. For one, I made the call to the RE earlier than usual. Usually I wait till my cycle is full on - this time, I called as soon as I started. My baseline levels were great. At my last appt. on Sat. my uterine lining was thicker at that point than in the past....I'm going to take that as a good sign. Follies are developing pretty evenly on each side, but hoping and praying for more on the left as that is where my remaining tube is.
Appt. in the morning, hopefully it will be more good news.
I have been hesitant in posting all this info, when I put it out there I allow myself to hope. I want to hope, it is necessary and healthy to have hope, but I don't want to ignore reality. I don't want to say it out loud...but I feel this cycle could be the one. I say it in my head numerous times a day, but now it's out there, and I just don't want to be a naive fool again, for actually believing in a successful outcome this round. I will admit, with every injection hubby gives me, the desire to continue putting myself through this wanes. I just am tired of getting stuck in my belly fat with a needle twice a day for 9 - 12 days. I want this cycle to be the one sooo bad partly due to the anxiety of these daily injections, I am tired of having a bruised and sore belly. I want a round, tight belly with baby feet kicking me.

Holding steady

I am still in a holding pattern. I received my latest shipment of meds and needles today, just Follistim and 30g needles. Thank goodness our insurance covers my meds. So much has been going on lately, but it just doesn't seem interesting enough to write about. I will anyway, at least some of it.

I may or may not start my period in the next 7 days. My cycle got screwed up due to the abrupt ceasing of meds last month. I had a 2nd period 12 days after the 1st. That sucked royally, but the RE wasn't worried. The over a week ago I had some light brown spotting for less then 24 hours...weird huh. My first thought was another screwed up cycle, then I thought...could it be...implantation bleeding. It is possible, but probably not. This week I have had the worst low dull backache and a heavy achy feeling in my uterine area. My boobs are tender and larger than usual, today I had the smallest tiniest one time spot of pale brown blood. I am not really due to start my period for 5-7 days, but who knows with me. I am exhausted and have a headache that lingers and on and on. See, it could mean something or it could mean nothing. As I sit here and document my thoughts and feelings it makes me feel like I am trying to convince myself I could possibly be pregnant. Then reality sneaks in and reminds me I am 41 yrs old, I have one tube, and our last medicated cycle was a bust. I want so bad to have hope, but hope may lead to disappointment and disappointment leads to a sick crying jag. I just do not feel up for that. Hence the arrival of my meds, it can't hurt to be prepared.

On a lighter note, hubby and I ordered a new bed. It hasn't arrived and we are quivering with excitement at it's impending arrival. Why you ask? Because it is a Temper - Pedic Sleep Number Bed. It has multiple head and foot elevation positions and it vibrates...how cool is that. A tinge of sadness crept in when Hubby told me that one of the reasons he wanted this bed was for my comfort should we become pregnant. So sweet it makes me want to cry.

Our 2nd Anniversary is this month. October 14th, I want to do something special for him but he is soooo difficult to shop for.

It HAS to happen

Not much to write about lately. Well, that is not exactly true. I am now no longer employed...and I love it. Hubby and I worked together for an independently owned and operated company, a large corporation purchased us and unfortunately for me they do not allow family members to be employed based at the same location. Poor Hubby, he was the one who had to inform me. I handled it well at first, then I was sad, then angry, and now...I am loving it.

It is amazing how much you can done at home when you don't work outside the home. Our house is sooo clean. Crazy thing has happened...I have begun to cook again. Sounds crazy that I didn't cook, well, we are always on the go and with Hubby working together it was next to impossible to prepare a meal during the week. Eating out afforded us the opportunity to eat together as a family. M & R are loving eating at home and R loves to help in the kitchen, sometimes she says she wants to be a chef.

My stress level is much lower, amazing considering the financial state of our country. Fortunately, Hubby never factored my income into our family budget, everything is based solely on his income. For now I will enjoy the freedom to run my house and spend time with the kids like I have always wanted. My whole family has stated they would prefer me not work, they like me better this way. Back to the lower stress level, after the failed cycle my next period started 12 days after the initial one. Had a visit with the RE and he said that the abrupt stop of the Lupron screwed up my cycle and the bottom fell out....literally. It has been forever since I had a period that severe. The RE asked me to wait for another cycle before we start the med. process again, in the meantime we used this cycle to try on our own. A girl has to have her hopes and dreams, who knows, less stress may mean success.

My desire to have a child with my hubby has not diminished with time, in fact as I age I feel the tug at my heart increasing. I live with the thoughts that "It just HAS to happen".

It's a bust

This cycle ended up a complete wipeout. The leading follicle just wanted to show off. I went in this morning for and ultrasound and we discovered I had ovulated. Two eggs, one from each ovary. Bloodwork confirmed ovulation day as Sunday. We will still give it the old college try, but I don't have much hope for success. The plan is to start all over with my next cycle.

I am extremely disappointed and frustrated, wasted time, wasted meds., and wasted mental stress. I stayed home, cleaned house and took a nap. I just wasn't up for much human contact outside of my immediate family.