Saturday, January 21, 2012

Tired

I'm tired, so very tired, deep down in my bones aching tired. I haven't been home in over 6 months, I haven't slept in my own bed in over 6 months. I have not exhaled in over 6 months, I've been holding my breath, hoping, praying that things would change. I have been carrying the weight of this sadness day in and day out, through the evening hours till twilight and eventually sunrise, until my body gives out and my mind shuts down for self-preservation.
My husband filed for divorce 6 months ago, he refuses to communicate with me. Mediation today did not go as I had hoped and prayed, it went nothing like I thought it would go. I feel gypped, silenced, with no voice, no say in my own life, in our marriage. Infertility treatments led me to this point in my path of life, and guess what. It was not worth it, I have empty arms, a husband who swore to me that no baby was not a deal breaker, that we were forever only to find out that forever and for better or worse was an illusion. Infertility treatments almost took my sanity, my right fallopian tube, and 3 years later it is trying to end my marriage, not because there is no baby, but because I lost myself. I've finally found me and he says to others that it is too late, but how can you know that without trying?


4 comments:

Deborah said...

Here from LFCA - this is heartbreaking. I am so sorry to hear this news. I don't know what to wish for you. Maybe peace, and good things in the future?

Egg said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. Please know that I'm thinking of you!

Queenie. . . said...

I'm so sorry. Hang in there--no matter what happens, you will be fine, and things will get better.

Kerry said...

Thank you ladies for your kind thoughts. It is my hope & prayer that my marriage will be healed, so for now I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

:-)
Kerry

My journey with family & age related secondary infertility