As if I needed more

The time had come. It was time for me to get back on my anti-depressants. I put off, and held off for as long as I could, but the dreaded beast that is my depression has been rearing it's head for months. My reserve to fight it off is completely gone. I was fortunate enough to get an appt. with my Dr. for this past Friday and was relieved to learn that I could get back on my Elavil and continue to take it while we try and get pregnant. If we are lucky enough whether by my eggs(fat chance) or donor eggs, we will wean me off the meds. in a matter of a few weeks thereby minimizing any risk to a baby. The benefits to me outweigh the risks at this point. So this was all good news to me. The not so good news is actually bad news...my blood pressure is sky high. I had an issue with high bp a few years ago, it disappeared as abruptly as it showed up. So after monitoring my bp over the weekend I can't risk it any longer and have started Procardia to help get my bp under control. This is so crazy, I had no warning that my pressure was up, at the end of February it was normal and Friday it was 160/98, and last night it was 151/106....uh...not so good.

On the infertility front, hubby is reading the book I bought to help inform me about donor eggs. It definitely helped me with clarity about this decision. At this point we are still in a holding pattern, gathering information and hoping the economy stabilizes. As we are a one income family hubby wants to feel secure that his job is safe before we spend so much money on another chance to get pregnant. I hate the wait, but at least I don't feel all doom and gloom about being back on the Elavil, I have hope that we can still get pregnant and become parents together. Now I just need both of these meds to kick in and get me back on track health wise.

Taking time

I have been taking some time to try and organize my life. My Sister and I have made peace, I just needed time to be angry and sad for me. On the fertility front not much has been going on. We did our last medicated cycle in February, obviously it did not work. I am at peace with it. Hubby and I have been in contemplation over our next step, I have reached my conclusion and know the direction I want to go. Hubby still needs a little more time. I am trying not to rush him, but I have only so much time to float in the boat with no paddles. I need a direction, either we move forward in our journey to have a child or we stop. I want to continue, my heart still aches as do my arms, but I will respect Hubby's feelings regarding his decision. It will not make or break our marriage.

The reason for the rush is my depression, it is rearing it's head and I only have so much time left before I will need to get back on my meds. I take Elavil and it is not compatible with pregnancy, has been known to cause birth defects and I am not willing to risk it. Unfortunately Elavil is the only medication that helps my depression, nothing and I mean I have tried about everything, nothing else works. So I hold on for a bit longer as Hubby thinks things through and we make a joint decision.

My 42nd Birthday is coming up...UGH!!!!....and my son just turned 16yrs old. I am so proud of him, he is amazing. I find myself missing that sweet snuggley little boy he once was, now he is big enough for me to sit on his lap...:) Before I know it my dear sweet daughter will be all grown up too.

Happy 16th Birthday M!

Slightly better

I guess I am slightly better. I continued to take the Prometrium until this past Monday, my RE said I could discontinue taking it as he felt it had probably done it's job. The only job that I can tell it did was make me ~crazy~, I had pure Prometrium Rage with a side of Depression thrown in for good measure. The side effects seem to be wearing off. The nurse told me that my period should start about 10 days after my last pill, but I bled while on the Prometrium and actually it seems to have gotten worse. At this point I'm not sure what to make of things. Mentally I am in a better place. Seems my sister feels she was not insensitive with the way I was informed of her pregnancy and doesn't want anything to do with me since I am not happy for her. She just doesn't get it and she probably wont ever. In spite of knowing how disappointed we were with our news she feels I should automatically be happy for her. No time for me to deal with my own issues (physical & mental), not allowed to come to terms in my own time and grieve for myself. Sometimes I think she got pregnant because she is jealous of my life situation and she knows she can have the one thing I haven't been able to achieve...a baby. I am blessed with an amazing husband and 2 terrific kids, we have a good life, not bragging, we are not wealthy but we are comfortable, I don't have to work at this point, we can take vacations, my husband always surprises me with nice gifts, my kids have the opportunity to participate in some amazing activities. We have a certain amount of freedom that her family does not. Why? Because my children are older and require less hands on attention....she has little ones that leave her with little time for herself, getting pregnant just added to that. For me, I have thought long and hard about the financial, physical and emotional cost of having a baby. I am well aware it would drastically change our lives and I would welcome the change. As someone dealing with age related secondary infertility I know the toll pregnancy takes on your body, I know the sleepless nights I would face, I know how hard it is to be a parent of a toddler, etc. I have done all that before, and yet, the joy far outweighs the hardships of being a parent. At my age now I feel more prepared to parent again. I feel I have so much to offer a child.

In my quest to find peace with my current situation yet still hold onto my Faith that I will be a Mom again I have begun reading a book my sister - in - law loaned me. It is a Beth Moore book, "Get Out Of That Pit ~ Straight Talk about God's Deliverance". She is a Christian writer. I had heard of her but was not familiar with her work. I am still early in the book but feel that it will be helpful to me. I've exhausted so much energy these past 2 years trying to get pregnant, although my Faith is still intact I feel I have drifted. I need to reconnect with God, maybe rely more on my Faith in conjunction with modern medicine.

Sucks

My life is sucky right now. I ended up being 7 days late with my cycle....made the mistake of getting my hopes up. Repeated HPT's came back negative, called RE, went in for blood work on Tues. Blood work negative, said I hadn't even ovulated yet.......WTF!!! I was on cycle day 34 how is that possible. RE said I was going to "O" soon. Bought OPK kit trying to find the silver lining in all this. Started bleeding that night...cruel joke!!! Called RE in the morning, he decided I had a dysfunctional uterus at this point. Prescribed Prometrium, once a day for 10 days to force my cycle so we could get this show on the road. I made it clear I did not have time to waste. Started the med Wed. night, had cramps everywhere but my uterus on Thurs. Bleeding is still only slight. Feeling extra emotional and weepy this past week, very discouraged. Wait!!! It gets better, my Brother-in-law, the one married to my Sister that has 4 kids and had an"accidental" pregnancy this past Aug 2008 (ended in early miscarriage), he called and left me message telling me that they are pregnant again. WTF!!!!! She is too chicken to tell me herself so he does it in a voicemail. He said that they know it has been rough for me and hubby not conceiving after everything we have been through but that I need to be happy for them....WTF!!!!? I am even more devastated that ever. I did not call back but spoke to my Mom, she and my other Sister have known for a week. I feel so disrespected, sad and very angry at this point. I do NOT have to be happy for them, I am NOT happy for them. They cannot afford another child, their financial status is shaky at best. I was informed that her pregnancy was an accident..........again..........my ass!!! I am so hurt and I have sooo much anger right now. My niece is having her Birthday party this weekend, I do not want to be around them, but she and my daughter are the same age and very close. My Sister is 38yrs old, smokes and drinks, I have done every right .... how come it happens for her and not me....especially now....what do I do? My family keeps asking me if all the heartache is worth it for me, yet they are all happy for her. How do I explain how important this is to us? I feel so alone at this point. I deal with secondary infertility, it is horrible and sad. How do people that have never had a child do this? How do you know when you must let go and stop everything? How do I let go of my deep, painful desire for another child? Our options are very limited, adoption is not one, with hubby's 2 previous divorces and my one, no one would give us a baby. I am not ready to give up on my eggs and move onto donor eggs. How do you reconcile using donor eggs if you still believe in your own eggs and you already have children that are genetically yours?

My depression is rearing it's ugly head, I am drowning in sadness. I just want 1 healthy baby, one that is "ours". Is that so bad?

101st post and hope

Wow...I completely missed the fact that my last post was my 100th post...Yeah me!!!

Let me catch up...

We went on our vacation to Disney World, M & R each brought a cousin as a buddy. It ended up being a great idea, everyone had a partner. We arrived at our resort on Sun. the 28th, the cabins we stayed in were awesome, totally not what we expected or what would have been our 1st choice. It was the best option considering we had 4 kids between the ages of 11 - 15 with us. We started out in Hollywood Studios where the brave ones rode the Tower of Terror and The Rockin Rollercoaster, while we chickens (me & R) hung out and got ice cream and watched the Beauty and The Beast show. I was not feeling so well that day and night but assumed it was from being tired from getting ready for the trip. The I started with a fever, sore throat and congestion. Doped myself up with OTC meds and figured some sleep would help. The next day we went to Epcot, took turns with the rides and attractions making sure everyone had the chance to do and see the things they liked. Once again I felt crappy, feverish, sore throat, etc. Continued the OTC meds thinking it was a cold. The park stayed open 2 extra hours for resort guests, so after some amazing fireworks we were able to get on some more rides with little to no wait. The next morning I could not get up I felt sooo bad, high fever. After hubby took the kids shopping and exploring the grounds of the resort we decided I needed medically treatment. The resort recommended an urgent care clinic right off the property. We were fortunate to have a very short wait. The Dr. did a quick strep test as I had the bad bout of strep this summer, after ruling that out he determined I had bad sinus infection and wrote me a script for a Z - pack and told me to get the "good" Sudafed, the stuff you need a drivers license to buy. Pharmacy was connected to the clinic so we were able to get the script filled and get my Sudafed 12 hour stuff and we were off to get the kids. I took the meds and actually felt better within 30 mins, the "good" Sudafed helped right away. Magic Kingdom was open till 3am for resort guests so we had plenty of time for fun. They had the park decorated beautifully and we had a blast. Our next day, which was New Years eve was spent at Animal Kingdom and then we celebrated New Years with the kids at Planet Hollywood in Downtown Disney. Our original plan was to spend New Years in Magic Kingdom, but it was filled to capacity by early afternoon and they were not letting anyone else in....crazy huh. We would not have enjoyed the park with it being that crowded so our plans were perfect for us. By Thursday, our last day we spent it at Magic Kingdom, it was still packed but we had fun. We got on the road late, almost 11pm, it was a long hard drive but we arrived home safe and sound.

I know in my last post I mentioned how my sister-in-law prayed over my womb with hubby and myself. Since we have been home I have felt like I have had a hangover. I am exhausted, emotional and all the other signs of PMS. But I am now 2 days late. My uterus is not really crampy but has a constant low heavy achy feel to it. My back aches like crazy and my boobs are tender and fuller. I am on constant toilet paper check. I wimped out and did a HPT late Wed. night, it was negative, but my urine may not have been concentrated enough to register as I had been up watching tv drinking (Dr. Pepper) and peeing all the time. Now it has been so long since I have been pregnant I can't be sure if the symptoms I have are PMS or signs of early pregnancy. I am terrified of getting my hopes up, I would rather just start bleeding, be sad and move on. The constant wondering is messing with my head and heart. I keep feeling like I am about to start or I have started, then I go to the bathroom and nothing. I usually spot for about 2-4 days before my period kicks in full force, so far no spotting at all. I want so badly to have hope, to believe that this could really be it, that I could really be pregnant after all this time. How crazy would it be if after 2 straight years of fertility treatments and 1 year of trying on our own that the month after my sister-in-law prays over my womb that I could maybe be pregnant...and all without medical assistance. I am going to give it through Sat. if I haven't started by then I will take another HPT on Sun. morning. At this point all I can do is pray and hope for our New Year miracle.

Our crew with Donald Duck