Woo Hoo, I am on a roll...children mentioned

A posting roll that is. It might be because my favorite spot lately has been my bed and I sit here comfortably propped up with mmmm....5 pillows in various configurations for maximum comfort. Hubby has a small slice of bed left. Speaking of hubby...it was his Birthday Friday, Happy 48th Birthday Stud!!!

I mentioned in an earlier post that I had my post - op appointment this past Tues. Physically I am doing well, all my little external scars are healing nicely. Since I have had no complications we are assuming that my insides are healing also. I am still sore, mostly toward the end of the day. Ok, back on track, after a once over by the Dr. we proceed into this "Office" to have a look at my lovely pictures from surgery and go over everything. I must say I have a beautiful uterus. My poor right tube, it was perfect except for that SIN...Dr. said he tried to think of a way to save the tube as it was in great shape, but the SIN was right at the connecting point of the uterus and the tube and there was no way to take it off, remove the SIN and then reattach without the serious possibility of major scar tissue that could either cause another cornual pregnancy or my pain would just come back with worse complications for the future. My RE knows how important it is to preserve my fertility to the utmost so he was conservative. He said my ovaries look great, my uterus is great with no damage to the inner sanctum and my other tube is perfect. He felt really good about my surgery and the outcome. Talk then turned to future conception. He was adamant that we do everything possible to avoid pregnancy for the next 2 months. He said it was very important for me to be truly physically healed before we try conceiving at all. A pregnancy before the 2 months is up could be dangerous to my uterus. Hubby and I agree even if waiting 2 more months sucks. I am not getting any younger here. I asked him what my options were, etc. He was straight up honest....he does not feel the need to run any more "fertility tests", he says he knows exactly how my body responds to the meds so that is not an issue. A few months ago, before my surgery he was leaning toward another IVF round for us, now he is discouraging us from the route. First off he went on to tell us his personal experience with his wife and her hysterectomy. He is the one that persuaded her to put it off , she had issues with her periods (painful, excessive bleeding, etc). He was not sure he was ready to give up on trying to have more children (they have 2 boys). He said he just could not bring himself to take the baby furniture down and put it away for good. He feels like he made his wife suffer longer than she should have before they finally made peace with her need for her surgery. Hubby and I thought he was about to cry as he told us this, we feel very lucky to have such a good relationship with our RE and his staff, he was truly speaking from the heart, not just as a Dr. He asked us to take the next 2 months as I heal physically and to really think about whether we want to continue this path of trying to conceive. He said unfortunately the one problem I have is the one problem he can't fix....my age. I ovulate on my own, and respond well to the meds, my eggs fertilize, they just peter out when it comes to division....just like me they hate math. He said that if we still want to pursue assisted reproduction at that point to call him when I start my 2nd cycle. He said our chances with IVF were in the teens, therefore not worth the huge expense for us. He said if our Insurance covered it or we were rich he would keep on with the IVF, but he does not feel comfortable taking our money with those odds. He recommends that we go back to super ovulation with timed intercourse. I respond well to the meds, make plenty of eggs. Yes, we will be losing half of the eggs as I only have one tube, but it will increase our chances of conception. Our Insurance covers all meds 100% for super ovulation plus all office visits. He said basically it was no out of pocket cost for us and he was willing to help as long as we were committed. Honestly it makes sense, and I get it and am comfortable with the answers he gave us. We both felt he truly has our best interests at heart. He knows how badly we want a baby but he said he cannot in good conscious take our out of pocket money without offering us better odds.

Soooo...it was not exactly what I was hoping for, maybe I was in denial. We left and I cried the whole way to the car and in the car on the way home. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I kept asking hubby why had we just spent the last 18months going thru everything we gone thru, spent all that money and still end up back at square one, with one less tube. Odds of conception are not great, face it I am 41 yrs old. I even told RE I had spent the past 5 months trying to get as healthy as humanly possible. He actually laughed at me and said of all his patients at my age I was in the best health, most of his patients are younger, significantly overweight with all kinds of health issues. He said I was trying to tune up a Ferrari....how cool is that....my RE says I am a Ferrari...I hope I am a bright red one. So in spite of my age and being lopsided with one tube my hopes are resting on injectibles to increase my egg supply so that we can make a baby. I have to believe its possible. I know alot of people wont understand, I have 2 kids already, hubby and I are old, yada yada, be grateful. The thing is I am grateful, so grateful to have a second chance at love with a man that loves me more than I could ever have hoped for, having a husband that loves the 2 children I brought into our marriage as if they really were his. I am grateful that my children love my husband and accept him as the every day Dad (their Dad lives far away...but he is great). I have an amazing family.... I am so grateful to have all this that I want more....greedy?...maybe, ok probably. I love being a Mom, in fact my Mom says from the time I was 2 if you asked me what I wanted to be as a grownup I would say "a Mom". I never wanted a career outside the home....I wanted to be a Mom. My hubby came late into the desire for a child. He is amazing with all children and all children love him. It would just be wrong for him not to experience being a Dad from scratch. I makes my heart thump extra thumps when I watch him with my young nieces and nephews. I want someone to call him Daddy, I want him to experience pregnancy, childbirth and middle of the night feedings. He would be soooo great and we would be so great together. We work together in the business world, we spend more time together than most couples and we are good together, we are a real team. I probably sound like a broken record but I can't help it, my heart wants this so badly. I dream of being pregnant. I see myself in really cute maternity outfits, so I am a little shallow, maternity clothes from 10 -15 yrs ago were ugly. It is so easy for me to picture this stuff because I have done it before and I loved it. I was good at being pregnant and that makes it suck even more now that I can't seem to get pregnant. Again I know I am lucky to have the 2 children I have, I hate that anyone has to experience infertility, I want everyone to succeed in their battle with infertility, not just me.

Ok, I know this post is all over the map, but so is my brain. It is a bit noisy in my head and it helps to empty it out here.

Surgery continued

Ok, so I left off with me undergoing surgery. (Insert elevator music here) Time passed and Walaaa...I am in recovery. It's mostly a blurr but I do have some memories, I remember my nurse checking on me, asking me how I felt, putting a nasal canal up my nose (those pronged nose thingys) to increase my O2 intake. She encouraged me to take periodic deep breaths to help me wake up and get the anesthesia out of my system, I received IV pain meds (love them) and she took my leads (sticky round things for monitoring) off my chest. In the middle of all this I keep hearing murmurs of talk regarding a bad storm and tornadoes. Huh...tornadoes, I then strained my ears to hear a torrent of rain in the background and realize from chatter that the hospital has lost power and is on generator power at this point...must be why I was so warm. I try asking my nurse about the storm and she confirms this and removes one of my blankets at my request. In my groggy state I grow concerned for my kids, they are at home and this storm is bad based on what I am hearing....a tornado touched down about 5 miles from the hospital. My kids are 15 yrs & 10 yrs with a 14 yr old nephew and 11 yr old niece also at home, so they are ok on their own, yet my motherly concern was in gear. My nurse tries to calm me and tells me that they will be moving me to my room soon. My IV meds were kicking in by this point and I am like...ok whatever. I had no idea what time it was, and from this point on I was in and out. Next thing I know the nurse is telling me we are going to my room, huh...my room, this was a day surgery procedure I am supposed to go home. Nope, she tells me that the Dr. wants to keep my overnight to monitor me for bleeding (more on this later). Fine with me, more IV meds...LOL

I get to my room about 5pm and get situated and get more meds and then hubby shows up, he had already checked in while I was in recovery (I have no memory of this) and then he went home to check on the kids because of the storm. Fortunately all was well, just a little nerves on the two younger ones part. I ask hubby to explain why I am staying overnight and he gives me the lowdown. The surgery went well, Dr. was able to do it completely by scope. He went in thru my belly - button and 3 small incisions right above my pubic area. Let me explain a little about my SIN (salpingitis isthmicus nodusa) - it caused diverticulitis where my tube enters the uterus (the cornua), it also grew into the lining somewhat. Unlike a fibroid that has defined borders the SIN is more like grass sod, it grows into the lining and it is difficult to find a plane to excise on. My Dr. made an educated decision to cut a little past the edge of the SIN nodule and ended up cutting 4cm into the 7cm depth of my uterus without entering the uterine cavity. He then layered my uterus to get good closure added some meds to the actual uterine incision area and decided that he did not want to risk sending me home in case of hemorrhaging. I wise decision I think. I was extremely sore and very tired and slept for most of hubby's stay. My best friend stopped by, I slept through that and then my son, his girlfriend and my nephew stopped by after dinner and brought me the most beautiful orange and yellow Gerber daisies. My daughter called me to check on me, she decided to spend the night at my sister's with my niece (she is not a hospital fan, hence the call instead of a visit). After everyone else left hubby stayed to help me to the bathroom to pee....not fun, my bladder was numb, it took forever and I cried. Hubby and the nurse tried to get me to eat .... tip...a regular diet is not recommended several hours after surgery. It made me nauseous just smelling it and 2 small bites made me spit...I had to rinse my mouth out and use the little hospital spit tray they give you...food was not my friend at this point...I cried again. Hubby sat with me and held my hand and then I shooed him home, I had a comfy hospital bed, a great nurse, wonderful meds and he needed sleep. About 10pm my nurse was kind enough to bring me some soup and I was able to eat about half of it. My night was pretty uneventful, I was able to get up and to the bathroom by myself, slowly dragging my IV pole with me. I hate asking for help. They kept my meds coming on schedule so my pain was manageable and I was able to sleep in between. I was lucky they didn't bother me too much during the night.

I woke early the next morning due to a blood draw to make sure all my levels were good with no internal bleeding. Ate a little breakfast and slept some more. After getting a good check to make sure all was as it should be I was discharged about noon. Hubby took me home and got me settled with my bedside table stocked with fresh water and meds, my cell phones and the remote for the TV. Hubby really had to go to the office, its only 5 minutes from the house, but my son was there and he checked on me hourly and even helped me up to go pee. Getting out of my bed at home was much more work than the one at the hospital even with all the pillows propping me up. My stomach was sooooo sore and my stomach muscles (little that I have) were just not willing to assist in my attempts to get in and out of bed without assistance. That's what big strong 6'1", 15 yr old sons are for. To help their old, sore, recovering Mom's get up to pee.

So as far as surgery goes that's it in a boring 2 part nutshell. Everything went well with no complications. My uterus was preserved for hopeful future use. Pain is mostly mild to moderate depending on my med level and exertion, which is minimal at best. Next up, recovery and my post - op appointment with the RE to get the skinny on my surgery, the pathology report on my tube and our future in conception.

My surgery

Let's see if I can get this written in one sitting. Last Thursday, June 19th, was the dreaded day. We had to report to the hospital at 8:30am, I let admissions know I was there and then we sat...and sat..and sat. Finally at 9:45am they were ready to take me back for pre-op. Normally they ask your support person (my hubby) to wait in the waiting area until they have the patient settled and then they allow them back to sit with the patient until surgery time. I had a not so pleasant experience last time we were there in April 2008 for my diagnostic Lap. surgery. My nurse just didn't listen to me. The lady that took me back was sweet and understood and let my hubby come with me...yeah. So back we go and it looks like I will be getting the same nurse as before....BOO!!!, she peeks her head in and hubby & I swear she remembered me. Next thing I know I have a different nurse...Yeah!!! Assumptions were confirmed, other nurse told her about my veins and how I am not a big fan of using drinking straw size needles to start an IV. I have good veins, but they are not huge, most nurses salivate when they see my veins, I could be a great junky...if I didn't hate needles so much. Anyway, hubby and I came prepared with our own tote bag for my belongings and his book, etc but we used their stylish plastic bag to store my clothes. You see, by the time they brought me back they were in a hurry, everyone was behind. I had to strip, pee in a cup (mandatory pg test) and get in the bed. I was given a lovely cap to contain my long silken hair...Ha! Shout out to my nurse Shanna!!! She was the most amazing IV put-er in-er. A quick lydocaine stick (their policy) and then she was in, no pain, it was awesome. We met with the anesthesiologist, he made us both feel very comfortable. Met with the Dr. went over procedure, I wrote on my tummy with sharpie and drew an arrow with a smiley face pointing to my belly-button ( Fix this :) --------> as my belly-button was less then stellar after the last procedure. RE had actually asked me to do this so he would be reminded. I call both my kids to tell them I love them and my bestest nurse Shanna comes in and gives me a wonderful does of Versed (sp?) and as I begin to feel fabulous its time to go to the OR. Hubby kisses me, tells me he loves me and assures me that all will be well.

It is so weird to be wheeled into the OR awake, they always look like they do on TV and that always surprises me...every time. I am schooched over onto the OR table, given a mask, told to breathe and relax, assured that all will be well...again....and that's it for me.

And now that's it for me tonight, my pain meds are kicking in and that is not conducive to typing. I guess that means I will be continuing this saga later. Da da da (dramatic continuation music plays)

I survived

My surgery went well and I had my post - op appt. with the RE today. I have so much to write about, but I am just not in the right place emotionally to get it all out in a cohesive, coherent way. Some of it is good and some of it is not so good, but not horrible either. I just have to find my "glass is half full" before I can process everything.

Pre - Op

Today was my pre - op appt. with my RE, they guy who is doing my surgery. I know it might sound kooky but I always have fun when I go to his office. He is beyond brilliant, sooo super smart that he is funny. So I take a rest with both my feet in one stirrup in a lovely paper gown with a matching paper lap blanket and wearing nothing else. Hello!!!...it's cold in here, I'd be warmer if I could just make a small bon-fire out of my paper finery. It was so cold that Personally I think having to lay on your back with your legs spread and feet in stirrups is bad enough, you'd think they would provide some warmer attire. I digress .... the RE comes in and we proceed to take a look - see at my uterus from the inside out. All is as it should be, except my bleeding is a little heavier at this point than he would like pre-operatively, so if by 12pm Wed. I am still bleeding I am to slap 2 estrogen patches on my butt and wear them till I go into the hospital for surgery on Thurs.

I was able to ask about the bc pills and how they affect my salpingitis and the pain. He confirmed what I thought all along, the bc pills or mainly the progesterone in the bc pills aggravate the salpingitis, therefore making my pain levels rise. He said he did not believe that the salpingitis has not prevented implantation of a pregnancy, but due to the diverticulitis hubby's sperm and my egg just might not be meeting in the tube. Ok, so now what, the tube will be gone, thus eliminating my pain but without the tube where are the sperm and egg supposed to hook up? Around the corner at the other tube you say, ok, so why hasn't that happened already. Funnily enough he said that pregnancy usually calms the salpingitis, ie it is not aggravated and causing me pain. Ironic, pregnancy would help ease my pain, yet I haven't been able to achieve that.

After my exam we met in his office to go over the planned procedure (Laproscopic) and discuss all risks. Not a fun, but a necessary conversation. He laughed and said he needed to admit something. He said he only did the diagnostic Lap. surgery in April because I demanded it. He truly did not believe he would find anything wrong. My HSG, and the many many ultra-sounds had all shown everything within normal limits. He said when he saw the salpingitis on my tube, he looked around the drape at me and said " Damn!...she wasn't crazy after all." LOL ... Some people might not see the humor in this, I did, because I know him and know it was not intended as an insult. He said I have to give you this one, you knew your body even if all other diagnostics said otherwise. The plan is to do the complete removal and resection with the scope, with 3 tiny incisions in my pubic area and one through my belly-button. If he can't control bleeding he will cut me open like a c-section procedure. He does not anticipate that happening as he does not believe that the salpingitis infiltrates my actual uterine cavity. Worst case scenario, besides death (not gonna happen) is losing my uterus to uncontrollable bleeding. I am not too worried, I have Faith in my RE but most importantly God. Right now it will day surgery, and recovery at home for 1 week barring no complications.

OOOO... I showed the RE my belly-button and the protrusion he left me with. I explained that my Mom made my belly - button (I was an unplanned homebirth) and he messed it up. He laughed and told me to write with a sharpie on my stomach and put an arrow pointing to my belly- button with the words "Fix me" so that he doesn't forget....LOL. I plan on doing just that and will post a lovely picture. We also discussed future fertility only vaguely, basically we want me to heal and then come in for a re - group. At this point, I am want my FSH tests and other blood work repeated once I heal so that we can see where we are at and go from there. I told him I still want a baby with hubby, and am willing to give it my all, but I refuse to make myself insane in the process.

So, we are all good and ready to go. My pain seems to be worse everyday, so I am actually looking forward to this procedure. I have thoughts on my peaceful state at this point, with infertility, my surgery etc, but I will save that for another time.

Surgery looming

The surgery to remove my right fallopian tube is scheduled for Thursday. I am facing it with mixed emotions. I am ready for the pain to stop, but I am afraid. Part of me wonders if the bc pills have exacerbated this salpingitis. I never had this much pain until the 1st time on the bc pills for our IVF in January. The pain has been pretty unrelenting since, but this is the 3rd time I will have been on those stupid pills. Believe me the irony is not lost on me. 3 of the last 6 months I have been on the bc pills. Please explain how that helps a 41yr old woman conceive.....it doesn't. I don't think my body has had a break since January, with all the hormones for the IVF and then the meds for the 1st surgery and now again for this surgery. It takes the body a chance to regulate itself and to get rid of all those hormones before it will allow a pregnancy to take. At this point I just want the pain to end and I want to be pregnant with a healthy baby on the way. Maybe I am spoiled, I was able to get pregnant as planned when I wanted with my other 2 children, and I truly believed that it wouldn't be any different this time. We have only been trying for 3 years, and with assistance for about 1 yr 1/2, seems like forever to me. I know there are many women who have been trying for much longer and with no success. I just don't know how they do it, the constant failures get to me and make me want to throw in the towel. I want a child with my husband, but I would like to retain a small semblance of my sanity if possible.

The above was on my mind more than usual, if that is possible because we ran into my OB/Gyn at dinner tonight. After all we have been through we have a great patient/Dr. relationship. We spoke and I updated him on my upcoming surgery, Hubby filled him in with the details as I was being introduced to his wife. My Mother was with us and she and his wife used to work together, they are both nurses. In November 2007 they had boy/girl twins conceived on the 3rd round of IVF. They are thriving now, but were born at 25 weeks gestation. In the past my Dr. has told me how scary having preemies was considering the shoe was on the other foot for him. He has delivered many preemies and dealt with a myriad of pregnancy complications, in other women. It was a whole nother ballgame when it was his wife and his babies. They used the same RE for their fertility treatments but she obviously chose a different OB. Speaking with his wife about her journey with infertility and eventual success made me believe IT could happen for us too. I am just tired of the disappointment.

Random pic: Son at ballet, he can almost fly....

Infertility

This blog started as a way for me to document my thoughts, feeling and events regarding my journey with secondary infertility. I feel like I have gotten off track lately. Explanation...I took myself off the path of infertility for a bit...for my sanity. Infertility is still there and it rears its head every month, but with the pain, Lap surgery I had to remove myself somewhat. I just could not deal with infertility every day. Maybe it's because I already have two children, some may not agree, but the desperation for one more child is very real. I know what I am missing out on if I never get pregnant again. I don't want to miss that, but then again I have been evaluating where I am and the very real possibility that it might not happen for us. As hard as it is I have to face that and come up with a game plan for my mental health if that happens. Flip side ~ I cannot afford to lose myself in this pursuit ~ I have two children that still need me as a presence in their lives. I can't be absent from them in trying to create a possibility.
I am coming to terms that I may never get to be a Mom again. I am trying to be OK with it and try it on for size.
We are not ready to give up yet and refuse to make any decisions until after I have healed from my upcoming tube removal. Who knows maybe once this is over we may conceive all on our own ~ stranger things have happened. We may continue to try with medical intervention, great or small. Or we may just stop. Either way I can't focus on it too much at this time so I instead choose to redirect my attentions to other things.

In the meantime my fallopian tube pain is back ..... again...bad. It sucks eggs big time and I am at the point where I cannot wait for this surgery. I am ready to be pain-free. Hubby and I have come to the conclusion that the bc pills seem to exacerbate this SIN ( salpinitis isthmica nodosa ). I seems it is most intense when I am on the pill (prior to surgery or IVF) that it is the worst. I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything else like this.

Better but not best

I am better but not my best.

Recital 2008 is over!! Yes, it was awesome, worth it and now we are done....till next year. I am sooo proud of my kids, they did such a beautiful job. I am so grateful I was well enough to participate fully like I usually do. Maybe a pic or two at a later date.

I still have several days to go on the antibiotic and I cannot wait to be done with it. It obviously works but it makes my stomach hurt, not like nausea, but physical pain. In addition to that my fallopian tube pain is back. It is so random, I never know when it will surface, it used to be so predictable. This is main reason for going ahead with my surgery, I have to be able to function and the pain makes it hard. Can I just take a moment and say that getting sick this close to my surgery has been a major inconvenience? It has been and will be. I have so much work to catch up on at the office, stuff at home that I need to get done. My impending surgery will just put me out of commission for another week and I hate it at this point. It's not fair to my family, job, etc. This surgery better work so I can recover and get back to being the Mom/Wife/Employee I need to be.

Did I mention I feel a fever blister coming on?

Stressed to the max

Or should I say strep-ed to the max. Last Friday night the kids and I met some friends for Concert in the park, featuring The Veronica's, Kate Vogele and Natasha Bedingfield. We had a blast, it was the first concert for both of my kids. We will definitely make it a habit though. I felt great that night when I went to bed.......BAM woke up Sat. morning with a horrible sore throat and achy all over. Took Ibuprofen and Tylenol for the pain and sipped soup and slept the day away. Wake up Sunday and repeat, only this time feeling worse, could barely swallow and my throat looked like I was a reject from the sword swallowing act in the circus. I was so miserable that I barely slept Sun. night. My Mom came and took me to my Dr. as my hubby had to get R to school and he had to open the office since I was otherwise engaged.

My Primary Dr. was out so I had a sub, yep, it was like having a bad sub in school. He had no clue. They swabbed and took blood and told me my throat looked unremarkable......WTF, unremarkable for a Jackson Pollack maybe. He sent me on my way with the diagnosis of a possible virus and either "you will get better or worse". UH...Thanks!!! So I just begged my Mom to take me home, she hooked me up with water and OTC meds for pain and left me to try and sleep. Luckily since I homeschool M and he is 15 he was helpful. Fast forward through a miserable day .......3am I beg hubby to take me to the ER as I had begun to vomit (pretty huh). Thank God....the ER was empty and they got me back right away. They swabbed, took blood and got me started on IV fluids with some Toradol for pain and Fenegren for nausea. Didn't really help so we upped it to Morphine and Zofran for same. This time so relief, love me some Morphine. About this time test results start coming back, I have raging Strep Throat and its has progressed to my blood. Not good, but good that I came in. (Thanks Dr. from earlier in the day) They started me on IV antibiotics, Clindamycin as I am allergic to Amoxil and Sulfa drugs, and was also given a 2nd bag of fluids. We left about 7:30am with me feeling nice and drugged up and hydrated. OH....did I mention that my period also started on Sat.? Makes things even more fun, kinda like a bad carnival ride. I was able to sleep for the rest of the day and my prescription pain meds kept me mostly unconscious, just like I like it.

Tues. night not so good, I felt worse, reason being, my throat was so messed up I just could not swallow enough fluids to keep me hydrated, so off to the ER we go for another bag of fluids, some more nausea meds and then back home to sleep. Finally I was able to rest, take fluids orally on Wed. and had two full days of antibiotics in me.

Thurs. was my best day so far, I was actually able to eat solids and drink. My pain is down and I just feel really weak at this point.

To add to the stress of all this....this was M's exam week, normally I handle all of his schooling but hubby stepped in and took over for me. I am so blessed and the two of them managed to suck it up and get things done. Poor R, this is the week before recital and a girl needs her Mom to help her with hair and make-up for pictures. Luckily hubby stepped up and made sure both kids were taken care of. Some of the other Mom's helped R with her hair and make-up and she was ok with that. Usually I am on top of all this recital stuff so I feel kind of lost right now. Tomorrow is dress rehearsal so I am sure I will catch up on the details then. In the meantime M and I have to run errands tomorrow and pick up new ballet shoes, tights and last minute hair stuff. I think I am up for it, but I know I will be wiped out by tomorrow night. Not to mention my Ex, M & R's Dad is coming in town. It's great for them, but he never makes things easier for me, just more to juggle.

Now here it is, I am exhausted but I have slept so much this week that I can't sleep now. My noisy brain is in overdrive.

Random pic:

Bowling alley fun with M & R