Still hurting

I am still hurting...kidney infection seems to be better but oddly enough my kidney pain seems to come back around mid-day. My abdominal pain is still the same, annoying and painful. I am seriously thinking of hitting my Dr. up for some more pain meds, because I am going to run out long before my scheduled Lap. surg.
I was soooo hoping for Buzz to stick. As of last night I just don't think that happened. I had some very slight pink spotting right before bed. Nothing this morning and then a few instances of slight brown spotting, very small amounts and then nothing. I am not really having any cramps, other than the usual pain that I have been living with. I did break down and POAS last night, I knew it would be negative but a girl can dream. I had my silent cry in the tub...hubby was sleeping and didn't want to wake him, he was already sad earlier when I told him I was spotting. So I allowed myself to cry and feel sorry for myself until I got out of the tub.
I was telling a friend yesterday how much I resent other pregnant women. I know that their pregnancy does not deny me mine but I just feel resentful and somewhat bitter. I am really trying to overcome that, after all I have no clue about their circumstances. Any way I was telling her that when I see pregnant ladies I just want to punch them........I say this in jest and she got it. She said I should probably steer clear of pregnant ladies...funny thing.......they are everywhere. Seriously, I thought about this last night. I have never been so bombarded with fertility, pregnancy and babies. I know I am not imagining this, its crazy and it drives me crazy. Every magazine, every website, pregnancy!!! It is a constant reminder to me so even when I try to focus on other things and not be so self concerned with my fertility I cannot get away from it. It feels often like the universe is trying to tell me something, or maybe it's God. I rely on my faith to get me through. Which brings me to..
Faith...I was talking to my Mother the other day and was telling her of my thoughts on my struggle. I believe that God answers prayers, I believe God wants whats best for me and my family. I believe that children are a blessing from God. Which makes me wonder why do people that don't believe and have Faith get to be pregnant? How come they are blessed with a baby without believing while I who believes remains empty. Don't get me wrong, I have already been blessed with two amazing children, but my husband and I want a child we made together. It may seem selfish but how is it anymore selfish than any other couple that wants a child together? I realized as I was talking to my Mom that all my success' and failures in every aspect of my life are a result of my Faith. The way I live my Faith. We have not be regular in our church attendance and I hate that for all of us, but especially my children. I asked myself...why would God bless us with a child when I am not even making sure the two I already have are getting the exposure to church and God like they should. My children know and believe but as children they are young in their Faith and it is important for us all to grow in our Faith. So is that the key? Do I need to grow in my Faith to be worthy of a baby? I have been trying to turn my anxiety about infertility over to God. I am trying not to feel overwhelmed, recognizing that God is really the one in control, not me, not hubby, and not even the RE. I need to accept that statistics are not God's way. Did you know that every women documented to be faced with infertility in the Bible was healed of her infertility and blessed with a pregnancy and a child? How amazing is that? I so want to be a success story. I do not want to end my fertile years on a failure.
More thoughts to come on this later and more thoughts on my thoughts on continued IVF with my eggs versus donor eggs.