It HAS to happen

Not much to write about lately. Well, that is not exactly true. I am now no longer employed...and I love it. Hubby and I worked together for an independently owned and operated company, a large corporation purchased us and unfortunately for me they do not allow family members to be employed based at the same location. Poor Hubby, he was the one who had to inform me. I handled it well at first, then I was sad, then angry, and now...I am loving it.

It is amazing how much you can done at home when you don't work outside the home. Our house is sooo clean. Crazy thing has happened...I have begun to cook again. Sounds crazy that I didn't cook, well, we are always on the go and with Hubby working together it was next to impossible to prepare a meal during the week. Eating out afforded us the opportunity to eat together as a family. M & R are loving eating at home and R loves to help in the kitchen, sometimes she says she wants to be a chef.

My stress level is much lower, amazing considering the financial state of our country. Fortunately, Hubby never factored my income into our family budget, everything is based solely on his income. For now I will enjoy the freedom to run my house and spend time with the kids like I have always wanted. My whole family has stated they would prefer me not work, they like me better this way. Back to the lower stress level, after the failed cycle my next period started 12 days after the initial one. Had a visit with the RE and he said that the abrupt stop of the Lupron screwed up my cycle and the bottom fell out....literally. It has been forever since I had a period that severe. The RE asked me to wait for another cycle before we start the med. process again, in the meantime we used this cycle to try on our own. A girl has to have her hopes and dreams, who knows, less stress may mean success.

My desire to have a child with my hubby has not diminished with time, in fact as I age I feel the tug at my heart increasing. I live with the thoughts that "It just HAS to happen".

It's a bust

This cycle ended up a complete wipeout. The leading follicle just wanted to show off. I went in this morning for and ultrasound and we discovered I had ovulated. Two eggs, one from each ovary. Bloodwork confirmed ovulation day as Sunday. We will still give it the old college try, but I don't have much hope for success. The plan is to start all over with my next cycle.

I am extremely disappointed and frustrated, wasted time, wasted meds., and wasted mental stress. I stayed home, cleaned house and took a nap. I just wasn't up for much human contact outside of my immediate family.

A new cycle

Today was the beginning of super ovulation #5. and cycle day 3. The appt. with the RE went well, I have one follicle that is ahead of the other's. It is on my right ovary, wont do me much good as there is no tube on that side. The plan is to get the other 8 or so follicles to catch up so we can get some good ones on the left side. Had my blood work and off to work I went. Tick - tock, time to pick up my kids for a trip to the Ped. for some immunizations, and physical for R. She is such a little lady, 4'11" and 71 lbs, she was terrified to get her shots but she was a trooper and did well. In the meantime I received a call from the RE's office, my estrogen level is in the low 90's, not really that great, it should be in 40's to low 50's. We decided since Insurance covers this 100% to just go for it and see what is going on come Friday. If it seems like its headed wrong due to the one big follicle we will tank the cycle and wait till next month in hopes of avoiding a cyst.

We started with 5 units of Lupron and 360 units of Follistim injections. And we are off.....

Life....oh, I didn't know I had one

My life has hit a bumpy patch. I have been vacillating between self pity, anger and empowered. Let's see, in the past 3 weeks: My sister has announced her 5th pregnancy, really made me sad, now I am worried for her, she has an active subchorionic bleed. They are watching her closely. Our house flooded due to a cracked toilet tank. I have been let go from my job. I have been there for over 5 yrs, a major international corp. bought the company out. Hubby and I have worked together just fine, but now new company says no relatives can be employed at same location. Since Hubby has been put in charge of this location, I must go. No ifs ands or buts. It sucks big time...what makes it worse? They made Hubby do the dirty work and inform me. I have spent the past 2 weeks helping new company (milking me for all my knowledge) with a smile on my face. At this point I am angry, and sad. The previous owners are aware and have another business but have not offered to let me work for that company. They have made me feel that my 5 yrs of hard work, and loyalty have been for nothing.


I am too tired to continue this so I will be back with more details soon.

Today....or yesterday because its tomorrow already

Was today better? Not really, I spent the day snuggled deep under my new fluffy bedding. I avoided the world for as long as I could. The BIL called this morning to see if we wanted to go to the beach....I just couldn't do it. I am not ready to put on a happy face for my sister and my period as reached epic proportions ( I am cramping like a villain and bleeding like a slit pig). I know you really appreciate the visual right. By 1pm I was starving so it became imperative that I extricate myself from the covers and get dressed and venture out for food. The hubby and M & R and I all went to Applebee's for lunch, nothing special but the Asian Chix salad I had hit the spot. We had to pick up crickets for M's gecko and then headed to Target for hubby's meds and I bought a 5 pack of underwear....you can never have too many pairs of cotton bikini underdrawers. By this point my uterus was falling out so hubby took R & I home and he and M went grocery shopping. (Yeah for the good guys in my life!)
E my niece (preg. sister's daughter) invited R to spend the night. No problem, they have such a great time together, Sis and her family came to pick R up, I was trying to rest at this point so I did not show my face (call me chicken, I don't care). I am just not at an accepting place as far as her pregnancy goes, I've only had 24 hrs to process this.
M was invited to the movies with his best friend and his Father. So hubby and I ordered pizza and ate in.
I spent the better part of the evening helping M install his video camera on his laptop and just generally hanging out. I am trying to focus on the blessings in my life....how many other Mother's of teen son's are actually welcome to hang out with their son's in their rooms? My kids talk to me, not about random bull, but about real stuff. About relationships, friendships, their changing bodies, nothing is off limits. We love each other and we say it and show it. Hubby is the same, he is my very best friend, we can talk about everything.
I cried as I soaked in the tub tonight, while I read a magazine and ate cherry licorice. I cried for the loss of a baby this month. I cried because I am sad and envious of my sister. Why is it easier for me to be happy for all the ladies I read here on the Internet who have success than for my own sister? I told my hubby it feels like their was this unspoken rule in our family, that it was my turn to get pregnant, and I feel like my sister broke that rule. It sounds stupid I know, but emotions are not always rational. I have not felt this down since our failed IVF, even the surgery in June to remove my right tube was not this depressing. It feels like every time I get knocked over it is getting harder and harder to re-group and get up. I am having an extremely difficult time finding my optimistic side at this point. I dread everything that requires communication with the world outside my immediate family and my house.

I am sooo NOT HAPPY!!!

I have had a horrid weekend. In chronological order

Friday 08-08-08 - Wake up to the downstairs toilet reservoir tank with a huge crack in it and our floors flooded. Hardwood floors - soaked, closet with photo albums - soaked, garage - flooded like a swimming pool. Hours of cleanup, calls to homeowners insurance, visit by adjuster, visit by clean - up crew, 10 huge fans, dehumidifiers and special bubble wrap looking mats with hoses scattered throughout house, baseboards ripped out. House in massive disarray.

Saturday 08-09-08 - Hubby runs to work to shoot of a quick email that he was unable to send the day before because of above problem. Get a call from Hubby - his computer crashed. He took it to a shop - hundreds of dollars later new computer with Hubby's info salvaged and transferred. Afternoon rolls around and daughter's laptop is infected with a virus, I can't fix ( desktop computer had virus last week, I fixed) take to same shop Hubby just left and find out virus is the same the desktop had, but it hid itself in the background. Computer has to be cleaned and restored to factory settings, losing all her info, she'll survive.

Continuing Saturday afternoon, my period was 4 days late...I stupidly got my hopes up. I mean I had a tubal removal surgery in June, I'm 41 yrs old, I was an idiot for thinking it could happen. Several hours of pain later ( I have adenomyosis) my sister calls. She says she has upsetting news to tell me. She is pregnant with her 5th child......I love her but WTF!!! Please understand I need to vent. So here goes...Brother - in - law was supposed to get a vasectomy 2 kids ago, but they said they couldn't afford the co-pay ( cause babies are cheaper right!) They have been fighting like mad for about 6 months, both threatening divorce (it's been very ugly). She has been smoking like a fiend because of marital probs. and drinking more than usual (every night when the kids go to bed). Tells me that they only had sex once in the past 3 months ( is that supposed to make me feel better?) They struggle financially because neither are fiscally responsible, they struggle as parents because they do not parent as a team and are not consistent. I sound bitter and angry...I am. I cried on the phone, I couldn't help it. She didn't want to make the call, but my Mom told her she had to do it sooner than later or I would be more hurt if I found out from someone else. She felt bad for me, I understand, but it didn't make me feel better. I told her I didn't know what to say except that I would come to terms but right now I was sad for me. I thanked her for telling me and that I was not mad at her, but that I needed to get off the phone.
I cried and cried and my head hurt and them I cried more. Hubby felt horrible for me, M & R felt horrible for me. Hubby felt horrible for himself. I told M & R that I needed them to know that my desire for another child was not because they weren't enough but because Hubby & I wanted one together. M gently reminded me that they weren't stupid, and that Hubby was a Dad to them even if there was no blood connection. I am blessed with such wonderful supportive kids, that makes it worse because I want another one that I know will be just as amazing. We are supposed to go to the beach with my sister and her family on Sunday.....I just don't know if I can handle it, plus my period is like the Apocalypse of all periods.

This sucks!!!

Weekend over

I hate the end of a weekend. It feels like you just get comfortable and in a groove and *poof* it's back to the grind of the week. The grind of the week seems to get to me more lately, could be for a myriad of reasons. So how was the last day of my weekend? Let me begin by saying I love my new sheets and bedding, I slept so comfy cozy I hated waking up. The dread of waking could be partly due to the unexplained scratchy throat that accompanied waking. I was fine when I went to sleep, please God do not let this be a re-run of my bout with strep about 6 weeks ago. The kids came home from time with their Father. R was tired and wanted to hang at home while hubby did laundry, M and I headed to Target to pick up some new pillows for him and some new ones for our new shams. It was nice to have a little time together alone, it's few and far between now that he has a girlfriend. By the time we got home an hour later I felt like I was melting. My throat was worse, my eyeballs were warm and my bones ached. I took some Ibuprofen and power napped on the couch for about 30mins. Got up and headed to Olive Garden to meet M's girlfriend and her parent's for dinner. They are great people and we really enjoy their friendship. Dinner was fun and then we headed home. I showered early, took some meds. and got in bed. I should have been asleep long ago but you know how that goes.

Oooo...I pulled out 2 more spitting stitches tonight, the last belly button one and a lower ab one. Only one left, in my center lower ab, I give it a few more days.