Woo Hoo, I am on a roll...children mentioned

A posting roll that is. It might be because my favorite spot lately has been my bed and I sit here comfortably propped up with mmmm....5 pillows in various configurations for maximum comfort. Hubby has a small slice of bed left. Speaking of hubby...it was his Birthday Friday, Happy 48th Birthday Stud!!!

I mentioned in an earlier post that I had my post - op appointment this past Tues. Physically I am doing well, all my little external scars are healing nicely. Since I have had no complications we are assuming that my insides are healing also. I am still sore, mostly toward the end of the day. Ok, back on track, after a once over by the Dr. we proceed into this "Office" to have a look at my lovely pictures from surgery and go over everything. I must say I have a beautiful uterus. My poor right tube, it was perfect except for that SIN...Dr. said he tried to think of a way to save the tube as it was in great shape, but the SIN was right at the connecting point of the uterus and the tube and there was no way to take it off, remove the SIN and then reattach without the serious possibility of major scar tissue that could either cause another cornual pregnancy or my pain would just come back with worse complications for the future. My RE knows how important it is to preserve my fertility to the utmost so he was conservative. He said my ovaries look great, my uterus is great with no damage to the inner sanctum and my other tube is perfect. He felt really good about my surgery and the outcome. Talk then turned to future conception. He was adamant that we do everything possible to avoid pregnancy for the next 2 months. He said it was very important for me to be truly physically healed before we try conceiving at all. A pregnancy before the 2 months is up could be dangerous to my uterus. Hubby and I agree even if waiting 2 more months sucks. I am not getting any younger here. I asked him what my options were, etc. He was straight up honest....he does not feel the need to run any more "fertility tests", he says he knows exactly how my body responds to the meds so that is not an issue. A few months ago, before my surgery he was leaning toward another IVF round for us, now he is discouraging us from the route. First off he went on to tell us his personal experience with his wife and her hysterectomy. He is the one that persuaded her to put it off , she had issues with her periods (painful, excessive bleeding, etc). He was not sure he was ready to give up on trying to have more children (they have 2 boys). He said he just could not bring himself to take the baby furniture down and put it away for good. He feels like he made his wife suffer longer than she should have before they finally made peace with her need for her surgery. Hubby and I thought he was about to cry as he told us this, we feel very lucky to have such a good relationship with our RE and his staff, he was truly speaking from the heart, not just as a Dr. He asked us to take the next 2 months as I heal physically and to really think about whether we want to continue this path of trying to conceive. He said unfortunately the one problem I have is the one problem he can't fix....my age. I ovulate on my own, and respond well to the meds, my eggs fertilize, they just peter out when it comes to division....just like me they hate math. He said that if we still want to pursue assisted reproduction at that point to call him when I start my 2nd cycle. He said our chances with IVF were in the teens, therefore not worth the huge expense for us. He said if our Insurance covered it or we were rich he would keep on with the IVF, but he does not feel comfortable taking our money with those odds. He recommends that we go back to super ovulation with timed intercourse. I respond well to the meds, make plenty of eggs. Yes, we will be losing half of the eggs as I only have one tube, but it will increase our chances of conception. Our Insurance covers all meds 100% for super ovulation plus all office visits. He said basically it was no out of pocket cost for us and he was willing to help as long as we were committed. Honestly it makes sense, and I get it and am comfortable with the answers he gave us. We both felt he truly has our best interests at heart. He knows how badly we want a baby but he said he cannot in good conscious take our out of pocket money without offering us better odds.

Soooo...it was not exactly what I was hoping for, maybe I was in denial. We left and I cried the whole way to the car and in the car on the way home. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I kept asking hubby why had we just spent the last 18months going thru everything we gone thru, spent all that money and still end up back at square one, with one less tube. Odds of conception are not great, face it I am 41 yrs old. I even told RE I had spent the past 5 months trying to get as healthy as humanly possible. He actually laughed at me and said of all his patients at my age I was in the best health, most of his patients are younger, significantly overweight with all kinds of health issues. He said I was trying to tune up a Ferrari....how cool is that....my RE says I am a Ferrari...I hope I am a bright red one. So in spite of my age and being lopsided with one tube my hopes are resting on injectibles to increase my egg supply so that we can make a baby. I have to believe its possible. I know alot of people wont understand, I have 2 kids already, hubby and I are old, yada yada, be grateful. The thing is I am grateful, so grateful to have a second chance at love with a man that loves me more than I could ever have hoped for, having a husband that loves the 2 children I brought into our marriage as if they really were his. I am grateful that my children love my husband and accept him as the every day Dad (their Dad lives far away...but he is great). I have an amazing family.... I am so grateful to have all this that I want more....greedy?...maybe, ok probably. I love being a Mom, in fact my Mom says from the time I was 2 if you asked me what I wanted to be as a grownup I would say "a Mom". I never wanted a career outside the home....I wanted to be a Mom. My hubby came late into the desire for a child. He is amazing with all children and all children love him. It would just be wrong for him not to experience being a Dad from scratch. I makes my heart thump extra thumps when I watch him with my young nieces and nephews. I want someone to call him Daddy, I want him to experience pregnancy, childbirth and middle of the night feedings. He would be soooo great and we would be so great together. We work together in the business world, we spend more time together than most couples and we are good together, we are a real team. I probably sound like a broken record but I can't help it, my heart wants this so badly. I dream of being pregnant. I see myself in really cute maternity outfits, so I am a little shallow, maternity clothes from 10 -15 yrs ago were ugly. It is so easy for me to picture this stuff because I have done it before and I loved it. I was good at being pregnant and that makes it suck even more now that I can't seem to get pregnant. Again I know I am lucky to have the 2 children I have, I hate that anyone has to experience infertility, I want everyone to succeed in their battle with infertility, not just me.

Ok, I know this post is all over the map, but so is my brain. It is a bit noisy in my head and it helps to empty it out here.