Tired

I'm tired, so very tired, deep down in my bones aching tired. I haven't been home in over 6 months, I haven't slept in my own bed in over 6 months. I have not exhaled in over 6 months, I've been holding my breath, hoping, praying that things would change. I have been carrying the weight of this sadness day in and day out, through the evening hours till twilight and eventually sunrise, until my body gives out and my mind shuts down for self-preservation.
My husband filed for divorce 6 months ago, he refuses to communicate with me. Mediation today did not go as I had hoped and prayed, it went nothing like I thought it would go. I feel gypped, silenced, with no voice, no say in my own life, in our marriage. Infertility treatments led me to this point in my path of life, and guess what. It was not worth it, I have empty arms, a husband who swore to me that no baby was not a deal breaker, that we were forever only to find out that forever and for better or worse was an illusion. Infertility treatments almost took my sanity, my right fallopian tube, and 3 years later it is trying to end my marriage, not because there is no baby, but because I lost myself. I've finally found me and he says to others that it is too late, but how can you know that without trying?

Dear Husband

This post is for you dear Husband of mine. I love you and miss you!!!  Your love for me kept me going when many times I felt like giving up. You believed in me and us when no one else did. Thank you for loving me when I have been unloveable!!!
Love Me, your Wife!

One of these days

One of these days or nights I am going to sit down and actually write something interesting and worthwhile but for now, I've got nothing. Summer is over and Fall has begun. What is in store for us this season?

One day this will make sense...

My motivation is in the negatives, lack of motivation, perfectly content to try as little effort as possible in order to reach a goal. We are no closer to a baby than were were 2 years ago. Talked about stalled in place. Things may change shortly, hopfully for the better. Our homelife is due a major shake up coming soon.

Spotty

The state of my blog, not me personally, although I do like polka dots. One day I'm going to come back here with something interesting to post. Until that day comes I continue to be an avid blog reader, wishing, hoping and praying for all the people who's lives I follow. Not exactly stalking but more like people watching at the mall.

Oh, and I have braces now. I do not recommend getting braces at 42yrs of age, especially when your daughter gets them at the same time. I am not near as cute, but I will be rockin the colored rubber bands at each visit.

As if I needed more

The time had come. It was time for me to get back on my anti-depressants. I put off, and held off for as long as I could, but the dreaded beast that is my depression has been rearing it's head for months. My reserve to fight it off is completely gone. I was fortunate enough to get an appt. with my Dr. for this past Friday and was relieved to learn that I could get back on my Elavil and continue to take it while we try and get pregnant. If we are lucky enough whether by my eggs(fat chance) or donor eggs, we will wean me off the meds. in a matter of a few weeks thereby minimizing any risk to a baby. The benefits to me outweigh the risks at this point. So this was all good news to me. The not so good news is actually bad news...my blood pressure is sky high. I had an issue with high bp a few years ago, it disappeared as abruptly as it showed up. So after monitoring my bp over the weekend I can't risk it any longer and have started Procardia to help get my bp under control. This is so crazy, I had no warning that my pressure was up, at the end of February it was normal and Friday it was 160/98, and last night it was 151/106....uh...not so good.

On the infertility front, hubby is reading the book I bought to help inform me about donor eggs. It definitely helped me with clarity about this decision. At this point we are still in a holding pattern, gathering information and hoping the economy stabilizes. As we are a one income family hubby wants to feel secure that his job is safe before we spend so much money on another chance to get pregnant. I hate the wait, but at least I don't feel all doom and gloom about being back on the Elavil, I have hope that we can still get pregnant and become parents together. Now I just need both of these meds to kick in and get me back on track health wise.

Taking time

I have been taking some time to try and organize my life. My Sister and I have made peace, I just needed time to be angry and sad for me. On the fertility front not much has been going on. We did our last medicated cycle in February, obviously it did not work. I am at peace with it. Hubby and I have been in contemplation over our next step, I have reached my conclusion and know the direction I want to go. Hubby still needs a little more time. I am trying not to rush him, but I have only so much time to float in the boat with no paddles. I need a direction, either we move forward in our journey to have a child or we stop. I want to continue, my heart still aches as do my arms, but I will respect Hubby's feelings regarding his decision. It will not make or break our marriage.

The reason for the rush is my depression, it is rearing it's head and I only have so much time left before I will need to get back on my meds. I take Elavil and it is not compatible with pregnancy, has been known to cause birth defects and I am not willing to risk it. Unfortunately Elavil is the only medication that helps my depression, nothing and I mean I have tried about everything, nothing else works. So I hold on for a bit longer as Hubby thinks things through and we make a joint decision.

My 42nd Birthday is coming up...UGH!!!!....and my son just turned 16yrs old. I am so proud of him, he is amazing. I find myself missing that sweet snuggley little boy he once was, now he is big enough for me to sit on his lap...:) Before I know it my dear sweet daughter will be all grown up too.

Happy 16th Birthday M!