In the Wyld

Tired

2012-01-21T03:17:00.001-05:00

I'm tired, so very tired, deep down in my bones aching tired. I haven't been home in over 6 months, I haven't slept in my own bed in over 6 months. I have not exhaled in over 6 months, I've been holding my breath, hoping, praying that things would change. I have been carrying the weight of this sadness day in and day out, through the evening hours till twilight and eventually sunrise, until my body gives out and my mind shuts down for self-preservation.
My husband filed for divorce 6 months ago, he refuses to communicate with me. Mediation today did not go as I had hoped and prayed, it went nothing like I thought it would go. I feel gypped, silenced, with no voice, no say in my own life, in our marriage. Infertility treatments led me to this point in my path of life, and guess what. It was not worth it, I have empty arms, a husband who swore to me that no baby was not a deal breaker, that we were forever only to find out that forever and for better or worse was an illusion. Infertility treatments almost took my sanity, my right fallopian tube, and 3 years later it is trying to end my marriage, not because there is no baby, but because I lost myself. I've finally found me and he says to others that it is too late, but how can you know that without trying?

Dear Husband

2011-12-02T21:24:00.001-05:00

This post is for you dear Husband of mine. I love you and miss you!!! Your love for me kept me going when many times I felt like giving up. You believed in me and us when no one else did. Thank you for loving me when I have been unloveable!!!
Love Me, your Wife!

One of these days

2010-09-07T01:35:00.002-04:00

One of these days or nights I am going to sit down and actually write something interesting and worthwhile but for now, I've got nothing. Summer is over and Fall has begun. What is in store for us this season?

One day this will make sense...

2010-06-05T02:15:00.002-04:00

My motivation is in the negatives, lack of motivation, perfectly content to try as little effort as possible in order to reach a goal. We are no closer to a baby than were were 2 years ago. Talked about stalled in place. Things may change shortly, hopfully for the better. Our homelife is due a major shake up coming soon.

Spotty

2010-02-08T02:55:00.003-05:00

The state of my blog, not me personally, although I do like polka dots. One day I'm going to come back here with something interesting to post. Until that day comes I continue to be an avid blog reader, wishing, hoping and praying for all the people who's lives I follow. Not exactly stalking but more like people watching at the mall.

Oh, and I have braces now. I do not recommend getting braces at 42yrs of age, especially when your daughter gets them at the same time. I am not near as cute, but I will be rockin the colored rubber bands at each visit.

As if I needed more

2009-04-27T11:48:00.004-04:00

The time had come. It was time for me to get back on my anti-depressants. I put off, and held off for as long as I could, but the dreaded beast that is my depression has been rearing it's head for months. My reserve to fight it off is completely gone. I was fortunate enough to get an appt. with my Dr. for this past Friday and was relieved to learn that I could get back on my Elavil and continue to take it while we try and get pregnant. If we are lucky enough whether by my eggs(fat chance) or donor eggs, we will wean me off the meds. in a matter of a few weeks thereby minimizing any risk to a baby. The benefits to me outweigh the risks at this point. So this was all good news to me. The not so good news is actually bad news...my blood pressure is sky high. I had an issue with high bp a few years ago, it disappeared as abruptly as it showed up. So after monitoring my bp over the weekend I can't risk it any longer and have started Procardia to help get my bp under control. This is so crazy, I had no warning that my pressure was up, at the end of February it was normal and Friday it was 160/98, and last night it was 151/106....uh...not so good.

On the infertility front, hubby is reading the book I bought to help inform me about donor eggs. It definitely helped me with clarity about this decision. At this point we are still in a holding pattern, gathering information and hoping the economy stabilizes. As we are a one income family hubby wants to feel secure that his job is safe before we spend so much money on another chance to get pregnant. I hate the wait, but at least I don't feel all doom and gloom about being back on the Elavil, I have hope that we can still get pregnant and become parents together. Now I just need both of these meds to kick in and get me back on track health wise.

Taking time

2009-04-01T02:10:00.004-04:00

I have been taking some time to try and organize my life. My Sister and I have made peace, I just needed time to be angry and sad for me. On the fertility front not much has been going on. We did our last medicated cycle in February, obviously it did not work. I am at peace with it. Hubby and I have been in contemplation over our next step, I have reached my conclusion and know the direction I want to go. Hubby still needs a little more time. I am trying not to rush him, but I have only so much time to float in the boat with no paddles. I need a direction, either we move forward in our journey to have a child or we stop. I want to continue, my heart still aches as do my arms, but I will respect Hubby's feelings regarding his decision. It will not make or break our marriage.

The reason for the rush is my depression, it is rearing it's head and I only have so much time left before I will need to get back on my meds. I take Elavil and it is not compatible with pregnancy, has been known to cause birth defects and I am not willing to risk it. Unfortunately Elavil is the only medication that helps my depression, nothing and I mean I have tried about everything, nothing else works. So I hold on for a bit longer as Hubby thinks things through and we make a joint decision.

My 42nd Birthday is coming up...UGH!!!!....and my son just turned 16yrs old. I am so proud of him, he is amazing. I find myself missing that sweet snuggley little boy he once was, now he is big enough for me to sit on his lap...:) Before I know it my dear sweet daughter will be all grown up too.

Happy 16th Birthday M!

Slightly better

2009-01-23T10:21:00.003-05:00

I guess I am slightly better. I continued to take the Prometrium until this past Monday, my RE said I could discontinue taking it as he felt it had probably done it's job. The only job that I can tell it did was make me ~crazy~, I had pure Prometrium Rage with a side of Depression thrown in for good measure. The side effects seem to be wearing off. The nurse told me that my period should start about 10 days after my last pill, but I bled while on the Prometrium and actually it seems to have gotten worse. At this point I'm not sure what to make of things. Mentally I am in a better place. Seems my sister feels she was not insensitive with the way I was informed of her pregnancy and doesn't want anything to do with me since I am not happy for her. She just doesn't get it and she probably wont ever. In spite of knowing how disappointed we were with our news she feels I should automatically be happy for her. No time for me to deal with my own issues (physical & mental), not allowed to come to terms in my own time and grieve for myself. Sometimes I think she got pregnant because she is jealous of my life situation and she knows she can have the one thing I haven't been able to achieve...a baby. I am blessed with an amazing husband and 2 terrific kids, we have a good life, not bragging, we are not wealthy but we are comfortable, I don't have to work at this point, we can take vacations, my husband always surprises me with nice gifts, my kids have the opportunity to participate in some amazing activities. We have a certain amount of freedom that her family does not. Why? Because my children are older and require less hands on attention....she has little ones that leave her with little time for herself, getting pregnant just added to that. For me, I have thought long and hard about the financial, physical and emotional cost of having a baby. I am well aware it would drastically change our lives and I would welcome the change. As someone dealing with age related secondary infertility I know the toll pregnancy takes on your body, I know the sleepless nights I would face, I know how hard it is to be a parent of a toddler, etc. I have done all that before, and yet, the joy far outweighs the hardships of being a parent. At my age now I feel more prepared to parent again. I feel I have so much to offer a child.

In my quest to find peace with my current situation yet still hold onto my Faith that I will be a Mom again I have begun reading a book my sister - in - law loaned me. It is a Beth Moore book, "Get Out Of That Pit ~ Straight Talk about God's Deliverance". She is a Christian writer. I had heard of her but was not familiar with her work. I am still early in the book but feel that it will be helpful to me. I've exhausted so much energy these past 2 years trying to get pregnant, although my Faith is still intact I feel I have drifted. I need to reconnect with God, maybe rely more on my Faith in conjunction with modern medicine.

Sucks

2009-01-16T03:00:00.004-05:00

My life is sucky right now. I ended up being 7 days late with my cycle....made the mistake of getting my hopes up. Repeated HPT's came back negative, called RE, went in for blood work on Tues. Blood work negative, said I hadn't even ovulated yet.......WTF!!! I was on cycle day 34 how is that possible. RE said I was going to "O" soon. Bought OPK kit trying to find the silver lining in all this. Started bleeding that night...cruel joke!!! Called RE in the morning, he decided I had a dysfunctional uterus at this point. Prescribed Prometrium, once a day for 10 days to force my cycle so we could get this show on the road. I made it clear I did not have time to waste. Started the med Wed. night, had cramps everywhere but my uterus on Thurs. Bleeding is still only slight. Feeling extra emotional and weepy this past week, very discouraged. Wait!!! It gets better, my Brother-in-law, the one married to my Sister that has 4 kids and had an"accidental" pregnancy this past Aug 2008 (ended in early miscarriage), he called and left me message telling me that they are pregnant again. WTF!!!!! She is too chicken to tell me herself so he does it in a voicemail. He said that they know it has been rough for me and hubby not conceiving after everything we have been through but that I need to be happy for them....WTF!!!!? I am even more devastated that ever. I did not call back but spoke to my Mom, she and my other Sister have known for a week. I feel so disrespected, sad and very angry at this point. I do NOT have to be happy for them, I am NOT happy for them. They cannot afford another child, their financial status is shaky at best. I was informed that her pregnancy was an accident..........again..........my ass!!! I am so hurt and I have sooo much anger right now. My niece is having her Birthday party this weekend, I do not want to be around them, but she and my daughter are the same age and very close. My Sister is 38yrs old, smokes and drinks, I have done every right .... how come it happens for her and not me....especially now....what do I do? My family keeps asking me if all the heartache is worth it for me, yet they are all happy for her. How do I explain how important this is to us? I feel so alone at this point. I deal with secondary infertility, it is horrible and sad. How do people that have never had a child do this? How do you know when you must let go and stop everything? How do I let go of my deep, painful desire for another child? Our options are very limited, adoption is not one, with hubby's 2 previous divorces and my one, no one would give us a baby. I am not ready to give up on my eggs and move onto donor eggs. How do you reconcile using donor eggs if you still believe in your own eggs and you already have children that are genetically yours?

My depression is rearing it's ugly head, I am drowning in sadness. I just want 1 healthy baby, one that is "ours". Is that so bad?

101st post and hope

2009-01-09T02:11:00.003-05:00

Wow...I completely missed the fact that my last post was my 100th post...Yeah me!!!

Let me catch up...

We went on our vacation to Disney World, M & R each brought a cousin as a buddy. It ended up being a great idea, everyone had a partner. We arrived at our resort on Sun. the 28th, the cabins we stayed in were awesome, totally not what we expected or what would have been our 1st choice. It was the best option considering we had 4 kids between the ages of 11 - 15 with us. We started out in Hollywood Studios where the brave ones rode the Tower of Terror and The Rockin Rollercoaster, while we chickens (me & R) hung out and got ice cream and watched the Beauty and The Beast show. I was not feeling so well that day and night but assumed it was from being tired from getting ready for the trip. The I started with a fever, sore throat and congestion. Doped myself up with OTC meds and figured some sleep would help. The next day we went to Epcot, took turns with the rides and attractions making sure everyone had the chance to do and see the things they liked. Once again I felt crappy, feverish, sore throat, etc. Continued the OTC meds thinking it was a cold. The park stayed open 2 extra hours for resort guests, so after some amazing fireworks we were able to get on some more rides with little to no wait. The next morning I could not get up I felt sooo bad, high fever. After hubby took the kids shopping and exploring the grounds of the resort we decided I needed medically treatment. The resort recommended an urgent care clinic right off the property. We were fortunate to have a very short wait. The Dr. did a quick strep test as I had the bad bout of strep this summer, after ruling that out he determined I had bad sinus infection and wrote me a script for a Z - pack and told me to get the "good" Sudafed, the stuff you need a drivers license to buy. Pharmacy was connected to the clinic so we were able to get the script filled and get my Sudafed 12 hour stuff and we were off to get the kids. I took the meds and actually felt better within 30 mins, the "good" Sudafed helped right away. Magic Kingdom was open till 3am for resort guests so we had plenty of time for fun. They had the park decorated beautifully and we had a blast. Our next day, which was New Years eve was spent at Animal Kingdom and then we celebrated New Years with the kids at Planet Hollywood in Downtown Disney. Our original plan was to spend New Years in Magic Kingdom, but it was filled to capacity by early afternoon and they were not letting anyone else in....crazy huh. We would not have enjoyed the park with it being that crowded so our plans were perfect for us. By Thursday, our last day we spent it at Magic Kingdom, it was still packed but we had fun. We got on the road late, almost 11pm, it was a long hard drive but we arrived home safe and sound.

I know in my last post I mentioned how my sister-in-law prayed over my womb with hubby and myself. Since we have been home I have felt like I have had a hangover. I am exhausted, emotional and all the other signs of PMS. But I am now 2 days late. My uterus is not really crampy but has a constant low heavy achy feel to it. My back aches like crazy and my boobs are tender and fuller. I am on constant toilet paper check. I wimped out and did a HPT late Wed. night, it was negative, but my urine may not have been concentrated enough to register as I had been up watching tv drinking (Dr. Pepper) and peeing all the time. Now it has been so long since I have been pregnant I can't be sure if the symptoms I have are PMS or signs of early pregnancy. I am terrified of getting my hopes up, I would rather just start bleeding, be sad and move on. The constant wondering is messing with my head and heart. I keep feeling like I am about to start or I have started, then I go to the bathroom and nothing. I usually spot for about 2-4 days before my period kicks in full force, so far no spotting at all. I want so badly to have hope, to believe that this could really be it, that I could really be pregnant after all this time. How crazy would it be if after 2 straight years of fertility treatments and 1 year of trying on our own that the month after my sister-in-law prays over my womb that I could maybe be pregnant...and all without medical assistance. I am going to give it through Sat. if I haven't started by then I will take another HPT on Sun. morning. At this point all I can do is pray and hope for our New Year miracle.

Our crew with Donald Duck

No sleep

2008-12-27T04:45:00.003-05:00

Sleep comes to be in a round about way. I have a difficult time falling asleep, but once I am there I don't want to get up. It is the time of year. I am not a winter person. I need the longer, warmer days. We leave on Sunday for our family vacation. It is also part of the kid's Christmas present. We are going to Disney for 5 days and they each are bringing a cousin. I hate packing but I am super excited about this trip. Since the kids have been with their Dad (it was his Christmas this year) things have been quiet and mellow here at home. The presents are wrapped and under the tree, waiting for them to come home. I head out to meet my sister early in the morning, they live several hours from us and we need our nephew to be here the day before the trip.

We did go to my brother's house on Christmas to see what my 2 little nephews got from Santa. It was nice to be with little ones who totally get into the excitement of Christmas. My sister - in - law has been offering to pray over my womb for a while. We finally had an opportunity while there. I was afraid it would be awkward, but it wasn't. It was just her, hubby and myself, with hands laid on my abdomen she said the most amazing prayer asking God to open my womb and bless us with the baby we want so badly. Maybe I am crazy but during her prayer I felt a buzzing inside me directly beneath our hands. Hubby said it was his vibrating hands...haha...not...I felt it from the inside not externally. Who knows what it meant, if anything at all, but I felt peaceful and loved and that feeling is still there. She didn't realize until afterwards that this is my fertile time and hubby and I have been trying without stress this month. God works in mysterious ways.

On a completely different note, I have been following this woman's blog for a bit of time now. Her story really touched me. Her name is Emilie and has battled infertility, when she was pregnant with her 2nd baby boy in August 2007 she was diagnosed with soft tissue sarcoma. After surgery to remove all the tumor she went onto a normal healthy pregnancy and delivered a 2nd healthy son. Shortly after she learned her cancer was back and had taken over. In spite of her determination and strong fight to live she passed away in the evening of Dec 23rd. I am so sad for her, and her family. I wanted her to beat this, even though we had never met, I felt connected, as a Mother. I pray that she is at peace and that her family will hold onto the good memories and feel her love for them each day as they grieve her loss. Her blog is lemmondrops .

Hubby and nephew ~ typical men, eating and watching tv..haha

I might be a starfish

2008-12-19T03:03:00.004-05:00

I am probably the most boring blogger in the universe, but I swear the weirdest things happen to my body. I have been having my lower right abdominal pain for several weeks now. I had the most hellish period in the world, 7 days late. Impossible to be pregnant, according to the RE my period was late due to crazy hormones wreaking havoc on my body. The thing is, this pain is the exact pain I experienced which led to Lap. surgery for diagnosis. I had Salpingitis Isthmica Nudosa (can't even remember the spelling). My right tube was removed in June 2008. I am thinking I might be a starfish and maybe my tube is growing back....LOL. Okay, I know realistically that is not possible, but it sounds good. How can I have pain in the exact same spot where my tube was but is not now. I have the exact same pain symptoms. I wish I could see what was going on inside there, but that wont happen unless I am willing to have a hysterectomy, and that is not an option right now.

We are waiting till January to start our next medicated cycle, in the meantime we will be trying on our own this month. The mental and physical strain of all these failed treatments is wearing on me. I was so optimistic about success when we began this journey with our RE 2 years ago. With each failed cycle it is harder to bounce back and think positively. I just expect failure, I guess as a way to protect myself and it's not working for me anymore. My heart breaks each month, yet I can't help but feel in the deepest part of me that I am going to get pregnant and we will have a baby. How can I shake that feeling if it is false?

The kids will be spending the 1st half of their Christmas break with their Dad, it's his actual Christmas this year. It's ok, I have them the 2nd half and we have a fun vacation trip planned, but I will miss them terribly, it makes the empty uterus that much more painful.

M practicing a lift for Holiday Show

The pain

2008-12-04T03:49:00.002-05:00

I have no idea why, but my right side pain is back even worse than ever. The tube is gone, that is what was causing the pain before. What could be causing the pain now? When I lay flat on my back, my right lower abdomen is slightly distended. The pain seems to have crept back into my life after this most recent failed cycle. Was it the hormones, if so why is it back now, the hormones should be out of my system by now. Also my cycle is late, or at least late for me, and pregnancy is all but an impossibility this month....you have to have sex or the like for that to happen...nope none this month. This was our "giving ourselves a break" month, no stress, no forced intimacy. We were just plain tired and had lots going on. I did get lucky and my Gen. Practitioner called in a re-fill on some pain meds for me, they don't completely wipe the pain out but it does take the edge off.

December is looking like it will be busier than November. We've decided to wait until January to start another round of fert. meds. The holidays are just too hectic and stressful to add more stress. Plus we are going on vacation at the end of the month....to the happiest place on earth. It should be a blast.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T02:11:00.004-05:00

Today was a wonderful family, food, fun filled day. We had 24 people at my Mother's house for Thanksgiving.

On the infertility front....well the last cycle of meds ended up empty...again. I thought for sure it had worked, disappointment once again. The RE has not cycles scheduled for November due his family vacation schedule. When I last spoke to him he offered a Dec. cycle or a Jan. cycle. It was early in the morning and I was half asleep when he called. I am fine with waiting till Jan 2009 as we have a busy Dec. planned along with a vacation out of town. I don't need the extra added stress a medicated cycle brings. So Jan. 2009 it is. I am not sure if I understood the RE, but he said something about letting me have one more cycle. Not sure how he said it and if I took it the right way. When I had my surgery he assured us with our Ins. coverage we could do many more super ovulation cycles after I healed. Unfortunately the 1st post-op cycle was a bust and had to be cancelled, so we have only had 1 full super O cycle. I just can't see how he could cut me off without letting us try longer. I get it...I am almost 42 but he says I am a young 42 and my ovarian reserve is within normal limits. I guess it will come down to my powers of persuasion.

Creepy girls on Halloween!!

Another cycle down the drain

2008-11-09T02:57:00.004-05:00

It totally sucks....this cycle was a failure, another in a long line of failures. I had such high hopes, felt so positive about this try. We did everything right. I responded well to the meds, hubby and I were extra vigilant with meds and timing. We had Dr. prescribed sex on schedule, and nothing, big fat zero. Time is running out for me, I am starting to feel antsy and harried. The emotional toll this takes on me does not get any better, in fact it seems to be worse, mostly because time is short. I will be 42yrs old in 5 months, something has to give. I am not ready to give up...not sure I ever will be able to give up on my own. I just feel in the deepest part of my heart that we are supposed to get pregnant and have a baby.
Once again, I had a good cry, I'll feel sorry for myself for a few days and bounce back with a positive attitude and keep plugging away towards my dream of being a Mom one more time, making my husband a biological Father for the 1st time.

I have heat

2008-10-24T00:58:00.006-04:00

Went to the RE's office today for another ultrasound to check progress of my ovaries and the thickness of my uterine lining. RE takes his normal peek at ovaries....he starts with the right side...the not so important side as there is no tube on that side. I have follicles....a good number of them. Impatient me asks about the left side...the so very important side. His response..."Yep, we have heat". He was pleased, I am responding well to the stimulation, I actually do better on meds. for super - ovulation than I did when doing IVF. It's been 10 months Oct 24th that I smoked my very last cigarette. I miss them sometimes, mostly when I am stressed, the rest of the time I can't stand the smell. I am hoping that the length of smoke free time will increase our chances this month. I have my last 5 units of Lupron in the AM and then my last Follistim injection in the PM. Come Sat. morning, I will be woken up by hubby at 8AM for my HCG in the rump shot. I know, your thinking, "what a wonderful way to wake up" a large jab in the butt by an even bigger needle. At this point in the cycle I get a little weepy, and I am so over being stabbed in the belly with sharp objects. I feel really good about this cycle, in a way I haven't since our very first try. I would hate to jinx myself or get my hopes up to have them dashed to the concrete floor like I jar of pickled eggs in a gas station. How does a person put themselves through all this without hope. Without hope what would be the point. A very fine line we walk to maintain some semblance of sanity.

It's been awhile so here is a random pic:

M & his friend N, photo shoot for School Dance Dept.

For documentation purposes

2008-10-21T02:19:00.003-04:00

Well, we are in the midst of another Super Ovulation cycle. This one seems very different than all the others. For one, I made the call to the RE earlier than usual. Usually I wait till my cycle is full on - this time, I called as soon as I started. My baseline levels were great. At my last appt. on Sat. my uterine lining was thicker at that point than in the past....I'm going to take that as a good sign. Follies are developing pretty evenly on each side, but hoping and praying for more on the left as that is where my remaining tube is.
Appt. in the morning, hopefully it will be more good news.
I have been hesitant in posting all this info, when I put it out there I allow myself to hope. I want to hope, it is necessary and healthy to have hope, but I don't want to ignore reality. I don't want to say it out loud...but I feel this cycle could be the one. I say it in my head numerous times a day, but now it's out there, and I just don't want to be a naive fool again, for actually believing in a successful outcome this round. I will admit, with every injection hubby gives me, the desire to continue putting myself through this wanes. I just am tired of getting stuck in my belly fat with a needle twice a day for 9 - 12 days. I want this cycle to be the one sooo bad partly due to the anxiety of these daily injections, I am tired of having a bruised and sore belly. I want a round, tight belly with baby feet kicking me.

Holding steady

2008-10-10T02:26:00.002-04:00

I am still in a holding pattern. I received my latest shipment of meds and needles today, just Follistim and 30g needles. Thank goodness our insurance covers my meds. So much has been going on lately, but it just doesn't seem interesting enough to write about. I will anyway, at least some of it.

I may or may not start my period in the next 7 days. My cycle got screwed up due to the abrupt ceasing of meds last month. I had a 2nd period 12 days after the 1st. That sucked royally, but the RE wasn't worried. The over a week ago I had some light brown spotting for less then 24 hours...weird huh. My first thought was another screwed up cycle, then I thought...could it be...implantation bleeding. It is possible, but probably not. This week I have had the worst low dull backache and a heavy achy feeling in my uterine area. My boobs are tender and larger than usual, today I had the smallest tiniest one time spot of pale brown blood. I am not really due to start my period for 5-7 days, but who knows with me. I am exhausted and have a headache that lingers and on and on. See, it could mean something or it could mean nothing. As I sit here and document my thoughts and feelings it makes me feel like I am trying to convince myself I could possibly be pregnant. Then reality sneaks in and reminds me I am 41 yrs old, I have one tube, and our last medicated cycle was a bust. I want so bad to have hope, but hope may lead to disappointment and disappointment leads to a sick crying jag. I just do not feel up for that. Hence the arrival of my meds, it can't hurt to be prepared.

On a lighter note, hubby and I ordered a new bed. It hasn't arrived and we are quivering with excitement at it's impending arrival. Why you ask? Because it is a Temper - Pedic Sleep Number Bed. It has multiple head and foot elevation positions and it vibrates...how cool is that. A tinge of sadness crept in when Hubby told me that one of the reasons he wanted this bed was for my comfort should we become pregnant. So sweet it makes me want to cry.

Our 2nd Anniversary is this month. October 14th, I want to do something special for him but he is soooo difficult to shop for.

It HAS to happen

2008-09-30T01:46:00.002-04:00

Not much to write about lately. Well, that is not exactly true. I am now no longer employed...and I love it. Hubby and I worked together for an independently owned and operated company, a large corporation purchased us and unfortunately for me they do not allow family members to be employed based at the same location. Poor Hubby, he was the one who had to inform me. I handled it well at first, then I was sad, then angry, and now...I am loving it.

It is amazing how much you can done at home when you don't work outside the home. Our house is sooo clean. Crazy thing has happened...I have begun to cook again. Sounds crazy that I didn't cook, well, we are always on the go and with Hubby working together it was next to impossible to prepare a meal during the week. Eating out afforded us the opportunity to eat together as a family. M & R are loving eating at home and R loves to help in the kitchen, sometimes she says she wants to be a chef.

My stress level is much lower, amazing considering the financial state of our country. Fortunately, Hubby never factored my income into our family budget, everything is based solely on his income. For now I will enjoy the freedom to run my house and spend time with the kids like I have always wanted. My whole family has stated they would prefer me not work, they like me better this way. Back to the lower stress level, after the failed cycle my next period started 12 days after the initial one. Had a visit with the RE and he said that the abrupt stop of the Lupron screwed up my cycle and the bottom fell out....literally. It has been forever since I had a period that severe. The RE asked me to wait for another cycle before we start the med. process again, in the meantime we used this cycle to try on our own. A girl has to have her hopes and dreams, who knows, less stress may mean success.

My desire to have a child with my hubby has not diminished with time, in fact as I age I feel the tug at my heart increasing. I live with the thoughts that "It just HAS to happen".

It's a bust

2008-09-15T01:54:00.000-04:00

This cycle ended up a complete wipeout. The leading follicle just wanted to show off. I went in this morning for and ultrasound and we discovered I had ovulated. Two eggs, one from each ovary. Bloodwork confirmed ovulation day as Sunday. We will still give it the old college try, but I don't have much hope for success. The plan is to start all over with my next cycle.

I am extremely disappointed and frustrated, wasted time, wasted meds., and wasted mental stress. I stayed home, cleaned house and took a nap. I just wasn't up for much human contact outside of my immediate family.

A new cycle

2008-09-09T01:54:00.000-04:00

Today was the beginning of super ovulation #5. and cycle day 3. The appt. with the RE went well, I have one follicle that is ahead of the other's. It is on my right ovary, wont do me much good as there is no tube on that side. The plan is to get the other 8 or so follicles to catch up so we can get some good ones on the left side. Had my blood work and off to work I went. Tick - tock, time to pick up my kids for a trip to the Ped. for some immunizations, and physical for R. She is such a little lady, 4'11" and 71 lbs, she was terrified to get her shots but she was a trooper and did well. In the meantime I received a call from the RE's office, my estrogen level is in the low 90's, not really that great, it should be in 40's to low 50's. We decided since Insurance covers this 100% to just go for it and see what is going on come Friday. If it seems like its headed wrong due to the one big follicle we will tank the cycle and wait till next month in hopes of avoiding a cyst.

We started with 5 units of Lupron and 360 units of Follistim injections. And we are off.....

Life....oh, I didn't know I had one

2008-08-25T23:58:00.001-04:00

My life has hit a bumpy patch. I have been vacillating between self pity, anger and empowered. Let's see, in the past 3 weeks: My sister has announced her 5th pregnancy, really made me sad, now I am worried for her, she has an active subchorionic bleed. They are watching her closely. Our house flooded due to a cracked toilet tank. I have been let go from my job. I have been there for over 5 yrs, a major international corp. bought the company out. Hubby and I have worked together just fine, but now new company says no relatives can be employed at same location. Since Hubby has been put in charge of this location, I must go. No ifs ands or buts. It sucks big time...what makes it worse? They made Hubby do the dirty work and inform me. I have spent the past 2 weeks helping new company (milking me for all my knowledge) with a smile on my face. At this point I am angry, and sad. The previous owners are aware and have another business but have not offered to let me work for that company. They have made me feel that my 5 yrs of hard work, and loyalty have been for nothing.

I am too tired to continue this so I will be back with more details soon.

Today....or yesterday because its tomorrow already

2008-08-11T01:54:00.000-04:00

Was today better? Not really, I spent the day snuggled deep under my new fluffy bedding. I avoided the world for as long as I could. The BIL called this morning to see if we wanted to go to the beach....I just couldn't do it. I am not ready to put on a happy face for my sister and my period as reached epic proportions ( I am cramping like a villain and bleeding like a slit pig). I know you really appreciate the visual right. By 1pm I was starving so it became imperative that I extricate myself from the covers and get dressed and venture out for food. The hubby and M & R and I all went to Applebee's for lunch, nothing special but the Asian Chix salad I had hit the spot. We had to pick up crickets for M's gecko and then headed to Target for hubby's meds and I bought a 5 pack of underwear....you can never have too many pairs of cotton bikini underdrawers. By this point my uterus was falling out so hubby took R & I home and he and M went grocery shopping. (Yeah for the good guys in my life!)
E my niece (preg. sister's daughter) invited R to spend the night. No problem, they have such a great time together, Sis and her family came to pick R up, I was trying to rest at this point so I did not show my face (call me chicken, I don't care). I am just not at an accepting place as far as her pregnancy goes, I've only had 24 hrs to process this.
M was invited to the movies with his best friend and his Father. So hubby and I ordered pizza and ate in.
I spent the better part of the evening helping M install his video camera on his laptop and just generally hanging out. I am trying to focus on the blessings in my life....how many other Mother's of teen son's are actually welcome to hang out with their son's in their rooms? My kids talk to me, not about random bull, but about real stuff. About relationships, friendships, their changing bodies, nothing is off limits. We love each other and we say it and show it. Hubby is the same, he is my very best friend, we can talk about everything.
I cried as I soaked in the tub tonight, while I read a magazine and ate cherry licorice. I cried for the loss of a baby this month. I cried because I am sad and envious of my sister. Why is it easier for me to be happy for all the ladies I read here on the Internet who have success than for my own sister? I told my hubby it feels like their was this unspoken rule in our family, that it was my turn to get pregnant, and I feel like my sister broke that rule. It sounds stupid I know, but emotions are not always rational. I have not felt this down since our failed IVF, even the surgery in June to remove my right tube was not this depressing. It feels like every time I get knocked over it is getting harder and harder to re-group and get up. I am having an extremely difficult time finding my optimistic side at this point. I dread everything that requires communication with the world outside my immediate family and my house.

I am sooo NOT HAPPY!!!

2008-08-10T01:54:00.000-04:00

I have had a horrid weekend. In chronological order

Friday 08-08-08 - Wake up to the downstairs toilet reservoir tank with a huge crack in it and our floors flooded. Hardwood floors - soaked, closet with photo albums - soaked, garage - flooded like a swimming pool. Hours of cleanup, calls to homeowners insurance, visit by adjuster, visit by clean - up crew, 10 huge fans, dehumidifiers and special bubble wrap looking mats with hoses scattered throughout house, baseboards ripped out. House in massive disarray.

Saturday 08-09-08 - Hubby runs to work to shoot of a quick email that he was unable to send the day before because of above problem. Get a call from Hubby - his computer crashed. He took it to a shop - hundreds of dollars later new computer with Hubby's info salvaged and transferred. Afternoon rolls around and daughter's laptop is infected with a virus, I can't fix ( desktop computer had virus last week, I fixed) take to same shop Hubby just left and find out virus is the same the desktop had, but it hid itself in the background. Computer has to be cleaned and restored to factory settings, losing all her info, she'll survive.

Continuing Saturday afternoon, my period was 4 days late...I stupidly got my hopes up. I mean I had a tubal removal surgery in June, I'm 41 yrs old, I was an idiot for thinking it could happen. Several hours of pain later ( I have adenomyosis) my sister calls. She says she has upsetting news to tell me. She is pregnant with her 5th child......I love her but WTF!!! Please understand I need to vent. So here goes...Brother - in - law was supposed to get a vasectomy 2 kids ago, but they said they couldn't afford the co-pay ( cause babies are cheaper right!) They have been fighting like mad for about 6 months, both threatening divorce (it's been very ugly). She has been smoking like a fiend because of marital probs. and drinking more than usual (every night when the kids go to bed). Tells me that they only had sex once in the past 3 months ( is that supposed to make me feel better?) They struggle financially because neither are fiscally responsible, they struggle as parents because they do not parent as a team and are not consistent. I sound bitter and angry...I am. I cried on the phone, I couldn't help it. She didn't want to make the call, but my Mom told her she had to do it sooner than later or I would be more hurt if I found out from someone else. She felt bad for me, I understand, but it didn't make me feel better. I told her I didn't know what to say except that I would come to terms but right now I was sad for me. I thanked her for telling me and that I was not mad at her, but that I needed to get off the phone.
I cried and cried and my head hurt and them I cried more. Hubby felt horrible for me, M & R felt horrible for me. Hubby felt horrible for himself. I told M & R that I needed them to know that my desire for another child was not because they weren't enough but because Hubby & I wanted one together. M gently reminded me that they weren't stupid, and that Hubby was a Dad to them even if there was no blood connection. I am blessed with such wonderful supportive kids, that makes it worse because I want another one that I know will be just as amazing. We are supposed to go to the beach with my sister and her family on Sunday.....I just don't know if I can handle it, plus my period is like the Apocalypse of all periods.

This sucks!!!

Weekend over

2008-08-04T01:54:00.003-04:00

I hate the end of a weekend. It feels like you just get comfortable and in a groove and *poof* it's back to the grind of the week. The grind of the week seems to get to me more lately, could be for a myriad of reasons. So how was the last day of my weekend? Let me begin by saying I love my new sheets and bedding, I slept so comfy cozy I hated waking up. The dread of waking could be partly due to the unexplained scratchy throat that accompanied waking. I was fine when I went to sleep, please God do not let this be a re-run of my bout with strep about 6 weeks ago. The kids came home from time with their Father. R was tired and wanted to hang at home while hubby did laundry, M and I headed to Target to pick up some new pillows for him and some new ones for our new shams. It was nice to have a little time together alone, it's few and far between now that he has a girlfriend. By the time we got home an hour later I felt like I was melting. My throat was worse, my eyeballs were warm and my bones ached. I took some Ibuprofen and power napped on the couch for about 30mins. Got up and headed to Olive Garden to meet M's girlfriend and her parent's for dinner. They are great people and we really enjoy their friendship. Dinner was fun and then we headed home. I showered early, took some meds. and got in bed. I should have been asleep long ago but you know how that goes.

Oooo...I pulled out 2 more spitting stitches tonight, the last belly button one and a lower ab one. Only one left, in my center lower ab, I give it a few more days.

A great day

2008-08-03T03:44:00.007-04:00

My children are with their Father this weekend. He came in town to visit before school starts. Every year for the past 8 some odd years I have paid for all school clothes and he has helped with some of the school supplies. Yesterday he offered to pay for all school clothes and said I could get the supplies this year. I am grateful as the clothes are more expensive. I have never sought an increase in support even though I am entitled and he makes considerably more money than I do, I'm only a tad bitter at this point so it means all the more that he stepped up this year.

So why was today a great day? Well, hubby let me sleep in for a bit then we got up and went out and grabbed a quick breakfast at Starbucks and we were off to shop for us. I am so excited, we bought 2 new sets of sheets and a new comforter set for our bed. I love them they are beautiful and soft and comfy. At the linen store we bought new towels, we all like big towels and we got hand towels and wash cloths to match, pretty cool. They are nice and fluffy and super absorbent.

Then we headed to the mall for some wandering. I picked up a Batman shirt for M and a Twilight shirt for R. I found 2 amazing pairs of jeans that fit perfectly (we all know how rare that can be). We ate lunch at Starbucks ( broccoli & cheese strata for me and artichoke & spinach for hubby). I needed a new bottle of my perfume (Chanel Chance) can't live without the stuff. Then we headed over to Best Buy, we needed an external hard-drive to transfer some things to from our work computers. I have quite a large collection of pictures and some personal documents I want to keep when the company sells. We picked up a few movies and then headed to the Lowes. Hubby got a work bench type thing and some pad things to put on the legs of R's bed. Then we hit the next mall. We wandered (got our exercise) and then hit Target to pick-up my Dr. Pepper and some bath gel for M. By this point we were both exhausted so we headed home, took the dog out and we both laid down and snuggled up for a very long nap. Woke up and talked to the kids for a few and then headed to Waffle House for a late dinner. HAHA...sounds fancy huh. Actually the food was really good, it's near our house and it's open late. We ran to Walmart to pick up a new mattress pad for our bed as ours was ugh, came home made up the bed took showers and settled in for the night. The best part of the day - spending time together, alone, very rare for us and a blessed opportunity.

On the fertility front we are still in a holding pattern. I am supposed to call the Dr. when I have my next cycle which should show up in about 4 - 6 days. We had unprotected sex around ovulation time in spite of what the Dr. ordered. Why risk it? Uh....I am 41 yrs old, I have 1 fallopian tube, and almost 2 years of injectible fertility treatments have left me with an empty uterus. I figured, fat chance we will conceive so why not throw caution to the wind. I did buy some new vitamins from the GNC store. They are supposed to help women's fertility health. You are supposed to take 3 a day, I am working my way up, started with 1 a day, now at 2. Figured it would be best to make sure I had no reactions to the meds. They have additional herbal supplements, no problems so far but it is supposed to take 3 months to notice a difference. Whatever. We saw the cutest toddler girl in the mall today, I wanted her, but hubby pointed out she was holding her Mom's hand and he didn't think that her Mom would give her to us. Oh well, I guess we keep waiting and try on our own until we get the ok to start injectibles again with timed intercourse. I almost forgot, I was able to pull out 1 of my 2 spitting belly button stitches and then a few minutes ago I pulled out 1 of 3 spitting ab stitches. I was soo excited. As of tonight I am still having the phantom fallopian tube pain, it seems less, hopefully it is still healing pain.

Photo: R after ballet camp with the Hermitage Ballet....isn't she lovely.

Nothing much

2008-07-28T22:26:00.004-04:00

Nothing much seems to be going on with me, which I am taking to be a good thing. I have intermittent pain, but it seems to be less and last for shorter periods of time. Now we all know that since I just typed that sentence the pain is going to come back with a vengeance and kick my ass, cause that's how life is. I know I can't be the only one that is annoyed with the recent spate of celebrity conceptions. We have Rebecca Romijn and Jennifer Garner to just name two. Jen is probably a great Mom, I actually smile when I see pics of her and her daughter, she seems very involved. Rebecca, I think it annoys me because of Jerry's comments regarding their attempts at conception. He was so cavalier, who knows, maybe it was his attempt to mask the pain of infertility. Internet rumors point to assisted reproduction for them, if that's the case I am sorry they had to resort to AR, but you know, it sucks that people like that can try and try with no thought to expense. Flip side, as a former fertile now facing age related infertility some might say I should shut up and be grateful for the 2 children I have and to accept what I have and not be greedy. Sometimes I think many of us infertiles see a pregnant woman or a woman with a child and we automatically feel jealousy and dislike. I know until the other day after much thought, I never considered how that woman became a Mom. Maybe it took many years, tears, and lots of money. Maybe she had to use donor eggs or sperm, maybe she lost friends, family, or her marriage in the process to become a Mom. It might seem easy for me to say these things, but it's not, my heart still aches for a child with my husband. I still cry every time I start my period. I count the days till my hoped for ovulation, praying that this months egg is not to old and that it's released on the side that still has a tube.
Long commercial break there, I'm back.
I had a crappy day at work today. It started off great, mainly because I had an amazing weekend with my family. I swear I walk into that place and it immediately sucks the life out of you. It's not the job, it's the people. They are complacent, apathetic, lackadaisical...and on and on. Five years later and it is no better. I love my job, I get to work with my husband, we are a great team. That is main problem. We were not involved when I began working there, he hired me and a little more than 3 years later I married the boss (hubby). We have employees that cannot handle that. These people are intimidated and fearful that I have the inside track on the inner workings of the company. Yep, I do, it's a perk to being the bosses wife. Fortunately the owners of the company trust hubby's discretionary judgement as far as company info goes. Too bad for others. I refuse to betray the trust of my husband and the owners just to make other people comfortable. I know this is rambly, but it was so bad I had to leave the office for about 2 hours today to re-group and calm down. I am unfortunately subjected to the attempted sabotage of co-workers on a daily basis. Being Caesar's wife sucks sometimes.

Walmart at 11pm on Sat night

2008-07-21T01:50:00.002-04:00

Last night I had to go to Walmart on 17 at 11:00pm, ok I really didn't have to go, but, see we were there earlier with R and my niece E. R wanted that movie "Penelope"...well since M and nephew G were hanging with my Mom for the night I decided to buy it. R and E than decided they wanted the Matt & Jeff Hardy wrestling DVD. I just think wrestling is stupid so I just didn't want to buy it. It took forever finagling but we ended up walking out with nothing. On the way home I felt bad, like who am I to tell my child something is stupid if she likes it. It isn't harmful in my opinion and well, I can't make my kids like what I like or vice-verse. So after they went upstairs and I cried to hubby cause I felt horrible (maybe a tad hormonal) I headed back to Walmart by myself at 11:00pm I get there, find the DVD, and head to the checkout. You know they only keep a few lanes open and all the winners go to Wally World late at night on the weekend. Guess what walks up behind me in line....A bride and groom in their full wedding attire, she with her hair supposed to be up but half falling down, and the hem of her dress filthy, but with him carrying it for her, he with half his shirt untucked and his pants dragging...they were beautiful!!!! The reason for their visit to Wally World...I know you are dying to know...they were purchasing 2 frozen Totino's brand pizza's and some beer. Surprised? NOT!!! You know when she planned her wedding, she thought, "Man, after the ceremony and reception I really want to go to Walmart at 11:00pm and get some frozen pizza and beer, that would be the perfect end to a most romantical day" or something like that....LMAO

Follow up

2008-07-16T01:43:00.004-04:00

Well, my pain continued to increase everyday all day & night. I decided enough was enough and called the RE on last Fri. We determined it wasn't an emergency so I was prescribed some good pain meds and scheduled an appt. for this past Monday. In the meantime we had a fabulous weekend.

Friday night started out with dinner at a great Moroccan restaurant. They have live belly dancing....LOL...as opposed to dead ones. Saturday was the morning and afternoon spent at the water park with daughter, and some friends. Saturday night was when the real fun began....my sister and I took our two crazy girls to see WWE. Yep, we went to wrestling, the girls are totally into it, don't ask why, we have no clue. We had so much fun, it was not something I would have ever considered doing. It wasn't crazy like I thought it would be, by that I mean the fans. We were in the 10th row from the ring and were surrounded by super nice people. Sunday was a lazy day and then on to the beach to drop son off for a sleepover at a friend's beach-house.

My appt. on Monday went fine. First off my period started on Sat. afternoon, that explained the build up of pain. The RE checked on my incisions, assuring me that my spitting stitches would resolved themselves, but in the meantime looked good. He palpated my abdomen and performed a vag. ultra-sound. Everything looked and felt normal. He thinks my pain is still most likely pain from healing, having my period so soon after surgery probably irritated my uterus. His other opinion is subjective. He thinks it could possibly be my adenomyosis, he cannot be sure he got it all when he removed the SIN because of the way it infiltrates the uterus, he tried but he cannot be 100% sure. He said it will honestly take another 2 months to get the final results on my pain. He gave me several options to deal with the pain - #1 - Stop my periods all together for the next few months to give my body a chance to heal. The only ways to do that would be oral contraceptives, Depo - Provera shots, Depo - Lupron shots, or the patch. None of these sound appetizing for a variety of reasons, but the main reason is why would I want to stop myself from getting pregnant when I really want to get pregnant. He still wants me to call him when I have my 3rd period so we can start super - ovulation if I still want to. #2 - option is to suck it up and take it on the chin and take OTC pain meds and some prescrips. to help as needed. #3 - option and my absolute least fave - hysterectomy. I have decided to go with #2. I need to keep my body free of any extra hormones at this time so that I can get it as healthy and ready for conception as possible in the next 2 months. This is an abbreviated version of the whole visit, but it gets the point across. I am ready for this period to be done so the pain will lessen and move on to counting down the days till the next period. Pretty sad huh...counting the days till I bleed again so I can do it all again one month later, to then count the days when I can try to get pregnant and not have to count the days till I bleed.

Random pic:

Ghosty girls swinging in my backyard

Spitting stitches

2008-07-09T01:34:00.006-04:00

That's me, professional stitch spitter. Sounds nasty, it is. All 4 of my incisions are "spitting stitches" in English, my body is rejecting the stitches that were place internally and so they are working their way to the surface of the incisions and coming out of my skin. It is not painful, a little irritating, but mostly disturbing and annoying. This is a 1st for me, although I don't know why I am surprised. Weird things happen to me. Weirder .... I think that the pain I am still experiencing at my right side where my tube was removed, I am wondering if the stitches used to close up the outside of my uterus are not dissolving either. Could that be why I am in pain? It might sound crazy but I know my body, I was right when it came to the SIN, I knew something was there even if all the previous tests told otherwise. I've been putting off calling the Dr., I guess I can't wait any longer, even my Mom is concerned. I have no signs of infection, everything points to healing...except for the "spitting stitches" and the continued pain where my right tube was.

I have been acutely feeling my infertility since this past weekend. Probably because my young nieces and nephews were among our July 4th revelers. I so enjoy them and as much as I love the stages that my 2 children are at, I miss little ones. My emotions have been on a slow up/down, nothing radical, I go from believing that we will conceive one minute to feeling like it will never happen. Living with no guarantee is difficult, but it just seems like infertility is kicking my emotional butt right now. I am a fight to the death kind of person. I don't give up. I just don't think I know how to let go of the baby I want to conceive. I feel like the pain of letting go is more akin to giving up and I just can't, my heart wont let me. In the meantime I can't deal with crushing defeat anymore either. I am almost afraid that I will push myself past the point of sanity and keep trying because I don't know how to stop and let go. I have read so many blogs lately that have inspired me to hope and believe it can happen for us too. Flip side - I get anxious that it wont happen for us. I love surprises, a surprise baby would be nice.

It's gone...again...kids mentioned

2008-07-02T01:32:00.000-04:00

The pain is gone again... just like that. I mean I have residual pain from my surgery, healing pain but the ovarian cyst pain is gone...poof!!! Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, last night was a doozy, I took percocet and hydro-codone with a side of fenergen for nausea and I got nothing...no relief until early this morning. It was a weird popping sensation, I could really feel it, it hurt and then I was fine a few hours later. Did it burst, release, fizzle out like a balloon when it deflates? I have no clue and at this point I really don't care. I made it into work, and was able to accomplish everything that needed to get done for the day.

Completely off the subject....I have mentioned before that my children dance. Last week was a summer intensive ballet camp. 9am till 3:30pm Monday thru Friday. The studio my kids go to was lucky to have a guest Choreographer, the Director of the Columbia Classical Ballet out of Columbia, SC. It was awesome and the kids had a great time and learned so much. I say all this to tell you it was my daughter's first week wearing pointe shoes. Most of the kids were high school age, but there were a few younger ones like herself, including two boys. The instructor worked on basic partnering technique with the younger ones while the older kids did more advanced stuff. Insert a funny here....One of the little boys, a year younger than my daughter told him Mom he liked partnering with R (my daughter) the best. She told him that was nice but asked him why. His response..."Because R is firm"...his Mom tried not to laugh and asked what he meant. He said the other girl was squishy in the middle and it made his finger's sink in, where as R is firm in the middle and his finger's don't sink. He was dead serious so his Mom stifled her laughter till later. We had a good giggle over this one. When I told my son about his he said it actually made sense, girls that have strong "centers" have firm middles and they are easier to partner. You learn something new every day....but then again it shows that the male species prefers the female species with a firm middle from a very early age...LOL

Back to infertility....can it be any crueler that I am or did ovulate and was very aware of it but must avoid using that ovulation to get pregnant at all costs. I seriously thought about ignoring the RE and trying to convince hubby to give it try, but I decided an exploding uterus was not a chance I wanted to take. Quite a few of the blogs I lurk have had recent success and I am soo happy as their paths have been much longer and harder than mine. I am trying to use this as inspiration of good things to come instead of envy. I don't want to be bitter, except when it comes to teenage girls having babies and parent's that take their baby to the Walmart in nothing but a diaper and let them walk around barefoot...when I see these things I reserve the right to feel envy and bitterness and the desire to knock them out.

Today's random photo:

Niece on left, daughter on right.....super bowling queens

It's Back

2008-07-01T06:04:00.004-04:00

Yep, the pain is back and it's front too. I am soooo over it. I was a little nervous today, allowing my mind to wander, fearful that my pain might be a sign of a uterine infection post - op. But, I am not running any type of fever, and I have no discharge ( sorry tmi), discussed the symptoms with my Mom (she's a nurse). We both think its another ovarian cyst rearing its ugly head, on the same side as usual, my right side. The side I had my tube removed from. I know its those damn b/c pills fault. In 6 months I have had 3 episodes and only after taking the b/c pills for IVF or surgery. Coincidence?...I think not.

In the meantime I think I will go crawl in a corner and cry....oh, wait I've already done that.

Woo Hoo, I am on a roll...children mentioned

2008-06-28T02:41:00.000-04:00

A posting roll that is. It might be because my favorite spot lately has been my bed and I sit here comfortably propped up with mmmm....5 pillows in various configurations for maximum comfort. Hubby has a small slice of bed left. Speaking of hubby...it was his Birthday Friday, Happy 48th Birthday Stud!!!

I mentioned in an earlier post that I had my post - op appointment this past Tues. Physically I am doing well, all my little external scars are healing nicely. Since I have had no complications we are assuming that my insides are healing also. I am still sore, mostly toward the end of the day. Ok, back on track, after a once over by the Dr. we proceed into this "Office" to have a look at my lovely pictures from surgery and go over everything. I must say I have a beautiful uterus. My poor right tube, it was perfect except for that SIN...Dr. said he tried to think of a way to save the tube as it was in great shape, but the SIN was right at the connecting point of the uterus and the tube and there was no way to take it off, remove the SIN and then reattach without the serious possibility of major scar tissue that could either cause another cornual pregnancy or my pain would just come back with worse complications for the future. My RE knows how important it is to preserve my fertility to the utmost so he was conservative. He said my ovaries look great, my uterus is great with no damage to the inner sanctum and my other tube is perfect. He felt really good about my surgery and the outcome. Talk then turned to future conception. He was adamant that we do everything possible to avoid pregnancy for the next 2 months. He said it was very important for me to be truly physically healed before we try conceiving at all. A pregnancy before the 2 months is up could be dangerous to my uterus. Hubby and I agree even if waiting 2 more months sucks. I am not getting any younger here. I asked him what my options were, etc. He was straight up honest....he does not feel the need to run any more "fertility tests", he says he knows exactly how my body responds to the meds so that is not an issue. A few months ago, before my surgery he was leaning toward another IVF round for us, now he is discouraging us from the route. First off he went on to tell us his personal experience with his wife and her hysterectomy. He is the one that persuaded her to put it off , she had issues with her periods (painful, excessive bleeding, etc). He was not sure he was ready to give up on trying to have more children (they have 2 boys). He said he just could not bring himself to take the baby furniture down and put it away for good. He feels like he made his wife suffer longer than she should have before they finally made peace with her need for her surgery. Hubby and I thought he was about to cry as he told us this, we feel very lucky to have such a good relationship with our RE and his staff, he was truly speaking from the heart, not just as a Dr. He asked us to take the next 2 months as I heal physically and to really think about whether we want to continue this path of trying to conceive. He said unfortunately the one problem I have is the one problem he can't fix....my age. I ovulate on my own, and respond well to the meds, my eggs fertilize, they just peter out when it comes to division....just like me they hate math. He said that if we still want to pursue assisted reproduction at that point to call him when I start my 2nd cycle. He said our chances with IVF were in the teens, therefore not worth the huge expense for us. He said if our Insurance covered it or we were rich he would keep on with the IVF, but he does not feel comfortable taking our money with those odds. He recommends that we go back to super ovulation with timed intercourse. I respond well to the meds, make plenty of eggs. Yes, we will be losing half of the eggs as I only have one tube, but it will increase our chances of conception. Our Insurance covers all meds 100% for super ovulation plus all office visits. He said basically it was no out of pocket cost for us and he was willing to help as long as we were committed. Honestly it makes sense, and I get it and am comfortable with the answers he gave us. We both felt he truly has our best interests at heart. He knows how badly we want a baby but he said he cannot in good conscious take our out of pocket money without offering us better odds.

Soooo...it was not exactly what I was hoping for, maybe I was in denial. We left and I cried the whole way to the car and in the car on the way home. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I kept asking hubby why had we just spent the last 18months going thru everything we gone thru, spent all that money and still end up back at square one, with one less tube. Odds of conception are not great, face it I am 41 yrs old. I even told RE I had spent the past 5 months trying to get as healthy as humanly possible. He actually laughed at me and said of all his patients at my age I was in the best health, most of his patients are younger, significantly overweight with all kinds of health issues. He said I was trying to tune up a Ferrari....how cool is that....my RE says I am a Ferrari...I hope I am a bright red one. So in spite of my age and being lopsided with one tube my hopes are resting on injectibles to increase my egg supply so that we can make a baby. I have to believe its possible. I know alot of people wont understand, I have 2 kids already, hubby and I are old, yada yada, be grateful. The thing is I am grateful, so grateful to have a second chance at love with a man that loves me more than I could ever have hoped for, having a husband that loves the 2 children I brought into our marriage as if they really were his. I am grateful that my children love my husband and accept him as the every day Dad (their Dad lives far away...but he is great). I have an amazing family.... I am so grateful to have all this that I want more....greedy?...maybe, ok probably. I love being a Mom, in fact my Mom says from the time I was 2 if you asked me what I wanted to be as a grownup I would say "a Mom". I never wanted a career outside the home....I wanted to be a Mom. My hubby came late into the desire for a child. He is amazing with all children and all children love him. It would just be wrong for him not to experience being a Dad from scratch. I makes my heart thump extra thumps when I watch him with my young nieces and nephews. I want someone to call him Daddy, I want him to experience pregnancy, childbirth and middle of the night feedings. He would be soooo great and we would be so great together. We work together in the business world, we spend more time together than most couples and we are good together, we are a real team. I probably sound like a broken record but I can't help it, my heart wants this so badly. I dream of being pregnant. I see myself in really cute maternity outfits, so I am a little shallow, maternity clothes from 10 -15 yrs ago were ugly. It is so easy for me to picture this stuff because I have done it before and I loved it. I was good at being pregnant and that makes it suck even more now that I can't seem to get pregnant. Again I know I am lucky to have the 2 children I have, I hate that anyone has to experience infertility, I want everyone to succeed in their battle with infertility, not just me.

Ok, I know this post is all over the map, but so is my brain. It is a bit noisy in my head and it helps to empty it out here.

Surgery continued

2008-06-27T01:58:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I left off with me undergoing surgery. (Insert elevator music here) Time passed and Walaaa...I am in recovery. It's mostly a blurr but I do have some memories, I remember my nurse checking on me, asking me how I felt, putting a nasal canal up my nose (those pronged nose thingys) to increase my O2 intake. She encouraged me to take periodic deep breaths to help me wake up and get the anesthesia out of my system, I received IV pain meds (love them) and she took my leads (sticky round things for monitoring) off my chest. In the middle of all this I keep hearing murmurs of talk regarding a bad storm and tornadoes. Huh...tornadoes, I then strained my ears to hear a torrent of rain in the background and realize from chatter that the hospital has lost power and is on generator power at this point...must be why I was so warm. I try asking my nurse about the storm and she confirms this and removes one of my blankets at my request. In my groggy state I grow concerned for my kids, they are at home and this storm is bad based on what I am hearing....a tornado touched down about 5 miles from the hospital. My kids are 15 yrs & 10 yrs with a 14 yr old nephew and 11 yr old niece also at home, so they are ok on their own, yet my motherly concern was in gear. My nurse tries to calm me and tells me that they will be moving me to my room soon. My IV meds were kicking in by this point and I am like...ok whatever. I had no idea what time it was, and from this point on I was in and out. Next thing I know the nurse is telling me we are going to my room, huh...my room, this was a day surgery procedure I am supposed to go home. Nope, she tells me that the Dr. wants to keep my overnight to monitor me for bleeding (more on this later). Fine with me, more IV meds...LOL

I get to my room about 5pm and get situated and get more meds and then hubby shows up, he had already checked in while I was in recovery (I have no memory of this) and then he went home to check on the kids because of the storm. Fortunately all was well, just a little nerves on the two younger ones part. I ask hubby to explain why I am staying overnight and he gives me the lowdown. The surgery went well, Dr. was able to do it completely by scope. He went in thru my belly - button and 3 small incisions right above my pubic area. Let me explain a little about my SIN (salpingitis isthmicus nodusa) - it caused diverticulitis where my tube enters the uterus (the cornua), it also grew into the lining somewhat. Unlike a fibroid that has defined borders the SIN is more like grass sod, it grows into the lining and it is difficult to find a plane to excise on. My Dr. made an educated decision to cut a little past the edge of the SIN nodule and ended up cutting 4cm into the 7cm depth of my uterus without entering the uterine cavity. He then layered my uterus to get good closure added some meds to the actual uterine incision area and decided that he did not want to risk sending me home in case of hemorrhaging. I wise decision I think. I was extremely sore and very tired and slept for most of hubby's stay. My best friend stopped by, I slept through that and then my son, his girlfriend and my nephew stopped by after dinner and brought me the most beautiful orange and yellow Gerber daisies. My daughter called me to check on me, she decided to spend the night at my sister's with my niece (she is not a hospital fan, hence the call instead of a visit). After everyone else left hubby stayed to help me to the bathroom to pee....not fun, my bladder was numb, it took forever and I cried. Hubby and the nurse tried to get me to eat .... tip...a regular diet is not recommended several hours after surgery. It made me nauseous just smelling it and 2 small bites made me spit...I had to rinse my mouth out and use the little hospital spit tray they give you...food was not my friend at this point...I cried again. Hubby sat with me and held my hand and then I shooed him home, I had a comfy hospital bed, a great nurse, wonderful meds and he needed sleep. About 10pm my nurse was kind enough to bring me some soup and I was able to eat about half of it. My night was pretty uneventful, I was able to get up and to the bathroom by myself, slowly dragging my IV pole with me. I hate asking for help. They kept my meds coming on schedule so my pain was manageable and I was able to sleep in between. I was lucky they didn't bother me too much during the night.

I woke early the next morning due to a blood draw to make sure all my levels were good with no internal bleeding. Ate a little breakfast and slept some more. After getting a good check to make sure all was as it should be I was discharged about noon. Hubby took me home and got me settled with my bedside table stocked with fresh water and meds, my cell phones and the remote for the TV. Hubby really had to go to the office, its only 5 minutes from the house, but my son was there and he checked on me hourly and even helped me up to go pee. Getting out of my bed at home was much more work than the one at the hospital even with all the pillows propping me up. My stomach was sooooo sore and my stomach muscles (little that I have) were just not willing to assist in my attempts to get in and out of bed without assistance. That's what big strong 6'1", 15 yr old sons are for. To help their old, sore, recovering Mom's get up to pee.

So as far as surgery goes that's it in a boring 2 part nutshell. Everything went well with no complications. My uterus was preserved for hopeful future use. Pain is mostly mild to moderate depending on my med level and exertion, which is minimal at best. Next up, recovery and my post - op appointment with the RE to get the skinny on my surgery, the pathology report on my tube and our future in conception.

My surgery

2008-06-26T01:42:00.000-04:00

Let's see if I can get this written in one sitting. Last Thursday, June 19th, was the dreaded day. We had to report to the hospital at 8:30am, I let admissions know I was there and then we sat...and sat..and sat. Finally at 9:45am they were ready to take me back for pre-op. Normally they ask your support person (my hubby) to wait in the waiting area until they have the patient settled and then they allow them back to sit with the patient until surgery time. I had a not so pleasant experience last time we were there in April 2008 for my diagnostic Lap. surgery. My nurse just didn't listen to me. The lady that took me back was sweet and understood and let my hubby come with me...yeah. So back we go and it looks like I will be getting the same nurse as before....BOO!!!, she peeks her head in and hubby & I swear she remembered me. Next thing I know I have a different nurse...Yeah!!! Assumptions were confirmed, other nurse told her about my veins and how I am not a big fan of using drinking straw size needles to start an IV. I have good veins, but they are not huge, most nurses salivate when they see my veins, I could be a great junky...if I didn't hate needles so much. Anyway, hubby and I came prepared with our own tote bag for my belongings and his book, etc but we used their stylish plastic bag to store my clothes. You see, by the time they brought me back they were in a hurry, everyone was behind. I had to strip, pee in a cup (mandatory pg test) and get in the bed. I was given a lovely cap to contain my long silken hair...Ha! Shout out to my nurse Shanna!!! She was the most amazing IV put-er in-er. A quick lydocaine stick (their policy) and then she was in, no pain, it was awesome. We met with the anesthesiologist, he made us both feel very comfortable. Met with the Dr. went over procedure, I wrote on my tummy with sharpie and drew an arrow with a smiley face pointing to my belly-button ( Fix this :) --------> as my belly-button was less then stellar after the last procedure. RE had actually asked me to do this so he would be reminded. I call both my kids to tell them I love them and my bestest nurse Shanna comes in and gives me a wonderful does of Versed (sp?) and as I begin to feel fabulous its time to go to the OR. Hubby kisses me, tells me he loves me and assures me that all will be well.

It is so weird to be wheeled into the OR awake, they always look like they do on TV and that always surprises me...every time. I am schooched over onto the OR table, given a mask, told to breathe and relax, assured that all will be well...again....and that's it for me.

And now that's it for me tonight, my pain meds are kicking in and that is not conducive to typing. I guess that means I will be continuing this saga later. Da da da (dramatic continuation music plays)

I survived

2008-06-25T03:03:00.003-04:00

My surgery went well and I had my post - op appt. with the RE today. I have so much to write about, but I am just not in the right place emotionally to get it all out in a cohesive, coherent way. Some of it is good and some of it is not so good, but not horrible either. I just have to find my "glass is half full" before I can process everything.

Pre - Op

2008-06-18T01:38:00.002-04:00

Today was my pre - op appt. with my RE, they guy who is doing my surgery. I know it might sound kooky but I always have fun when I go to his office. He is beyond brilliant, sooo super smart that he is funny. So I take a rest with both my feet in one stirrup in a lovely paper gown with a matching paper lap blanket and wearing nothing else. Hello!!!...it's cold in here, I'd be warmer if I could just make a small bon-fire out of my paper finery. It was so cold that Personally I think having to lay on your back with your legs spread and feet in stirrups is bad enough, you'd think they would provide some warmer attire. I digress .... the RE comes in and we proceed to take a look - see at my uterus from the inside out. All is as it should be, except my bleeding is a little heavier at this point than he would like pre-operatively, so if by 12pm Wed. I am still bleeding I am to slap 2 estrogen patches on my butt and wear them till I go into the hospital for surgery on Thurs.

I was able to ask about the bc pills and how they affect my salpingitis and the pain. He confirmed what I thought all along, the bc pills or mainly the progesterone in the bc pills aggravate the salpingitis, therefore making my pain levels rise. He said he did not believe that the salpingitis has not prevented implantation of a pregnancy, but due to the diverticulitis hubby's sperm and my egg just might not be meeting in the tube. Ok, so now what, the tube will be gone, thus eliminating my pain but without the tube where are the sperm and egg supposed to hook up? Around the corner at the other tube you say, ok, so why hasn't that happened already. Funnily enough he said that pregnancy usually calms the salpingitis, ie it is not aggravated and causing me pain. Ironic, pregnancy would help ease my pain, yet I haven't been able to achieve that.

After my exam we met in his office to go over the planned procedure (Laproscopic) and discuss all risks. Not a fun, but a necessary conversation. He laughed and said he needed to admit something. He said he only did the diagnostic Lap. surgery in April because I demanded it. He truly did not believe he would find anything wrong. My HSG, and the many many ultra-sounds had all shown everything within normal limits. He said when he saw the salpingitis on my tube, he looked around the drape at me and said " Damn!...she wasn't crazy after all." LOL ... Some people might not see the humor in this, I did, because I know him and know it was not intended as an insult. He said I have to give you this one, you knew your body even if all other diagnostics said otherwise. The plan is to do the complete removal and resection with the scope, with 3 tiny incisions in my pubic area and one through my belly-button. If he can't control bleeding he will cut me open like a c-section procedure. He does not anticipate that happening as he does not believe that the salpingitis infiltrates my actual uterine cavity. Worst case scenario, besides death (not gonna happen) is losing my uterus to uncontrollable bleeding. I am not too worried, I have Faith in my RE but most importantly God. Right now it will day surgery, and recovery at home for 1 week barring no complications.

OOOO... I showed the RE my belly-button and the protrusion he left me with. I explained that my Mom made my belly - button (I was an unplanned homebirth) and he messed it up. He laughed and told me to write with a sharpie on my stomach and put an arrow pointing to my belly- button with the words "Fix me" so that he doesn't forget....LOL. I plan on doing just that and will post a lovely picture. We also discussed future fertility only vaguely, basically we want me to heal and then come in for a re - group. At this point, I am want my FSH tests and other blood work repeated once I heal so that we can see where we are at and go from there. I told him I still want a baby with hubby, and am willing to give it my all, but I refuse to make myself insane in the process.

So, we are all good and ready to go. My pain seems to be worse everyday, so I am actually looking forward to this procedure. I have thoughts on my peaceful state at this point, with infertility, my surgery etc, but I will save that for another time.

Surgery looming

2008-06-17T01:36:00.003-04:00

The surgery to remove my right fallopian tube is scheduled for Thursday. I am facing it with mixed emotions. I am ready for the pain to stop, but I am afraid. Part of me wonders if the bc pills have exacerbated this salpingitis. I never had this much pain until the 1st time on the bc pills for our IVF in January. The pain has been pretty unrelenting since, but this is the 3rd time I will have been on those stupid pills. Believe me the irony is not lost on me. 3 of the last 6 months I have been on the bc pills. Please explain how that helps a 41yr old woman conceive.....it doesn't. I don't think my body has had a break since January, with all the hormones for the IVF and then the meds for the 1st surgery and now again for this surgery. It takes the body a chance to regulate itself and to get rid of all those hormones before it will allow a pregnancy to take. At this point I just want the pain to end and I want to be pregnant with a healthy baby on the way. Maybe I am spoiled, I was able to get pregnant as planned when I wanted with my other 2 children, and I truly believed that it wouldn't be any different this time. We have only been trying for 3 years, and with assistance for about 1 yr 1/2, seems like forever to me. I know there are many women who have been trying for much longer and with no success. I just don't know how they do it, the constant failures get to me and make me want to throw in the towel. I want a child with my husband, but I would like to retain a small semblance of my sanity if possible.

The above was on my mind more than usual, if that is possible because we ran into my OB/Gyn at dinner tonight. After all we have been through we have a great patient/Dr. relationship. We spoke and I updated him on my upcoming surgery, Hubby filled him in with the details as I was being introduced to his wife. My Mother was with us and she and his wife used to work together, they are both nurses. In November 2007 they had boy/girl twins conceived on the 3rd round of IVF. They are thriving now, but were born at 25 weeks gestation. In the past my Dr. has told me how scary having preemies was considering the shoe was on the other foot for him. He has delivered many preemies and dealt with a myriad of pregnancy complications, in other women. It was a whole nother ballgame when it was his wife and his babies. They used the same RE for their fertility treatments but she obviously chose a different OB. Speaking with his wife about her journey with infertility and eventual success made me believe IT could happen for us too. I am just tired of the disappointment.

Random pic: Son at ballet, he can almost fly....

Infertility

2008-06-11T01:42:00.003-04:00

This blog started as a way for me to document my thoughts, feeling and events regarding my journey with secondary infertility. I feel like I have gotten off track lately. Explanation...I took myself off the path of infertility for a bit...for my sanity. Infertility is still there and it rears its head every month, but with the pain, Lap surgery I had to remove myself somewhat. I just could not deal with infertility every day. Maybe it's because I already have two children, some may not agree, but the desperation for one more child is very real. I know what I am missing out on if I never get pregnant again. I don't want to miss that, but then again I have been evaluating where I am and the very real possibility that it might not happen for us. As hard as it is I have to face that and come up with a game plan for my mental health if that happens. Flip side ~ I cannot afford to lose myself in this pursuit ~ I have two children that still need me as a presence in their lives. I can't be absent from them in trying to create a possibility.
I am coming to terms that I may never get to be a Mom again. I am trying to be OK with it and try it on for size.
We are not ready to give up yet and refuse to make any decisions until after I have healed from my upcoming tube removal. Who knows maybe once this is over we may conceive all on our own ~ stranger things have happened. We may continue to try with medical intervention, great or small. Or we may just stop. Either way I can't focus on it too much at this time so I instead choose to redirect my attentions to other things.

In the meantime my fallopian tube pain is back ..... again...bad. It sucks eggs big time and I am at the point where I cannot wait for this surgery. I am ready to be pain-free. Hubby and I have come to the conclusion that the bc pills seem to exacerbate this SIN ( salpinitis isthmica nodosa ). I seems it is most intense when I am on the pill (prior to surgery or IVF) that it is the worst. I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything else like this.

Better but not best

2008-06-09T01:27:00.003-04:00

I am better but not my best.

Recital 2008 is over!! Yes, it was awesome, worth it and now we are done....till next year. I am sooo proud of my kids, they did such a beautiful job. I am so grateful I was well enough to participate fully like I usually do. Maybe a pic or two at a later date.

I still have several days to go on the antibiotic and I cannot wait to be done with it. It obviously works but it makes my stomach hurt, not like nausea, but physical pain. In addition to that my fallopian tube pain is back. It is so random, I never know when it will surface, it used to be so predictable. This is main reason for going ahead with my surgery, I have to be able to function and the pain makes it hard. Can I just take a moment and say that getting sick this close to my surgery has been a major inconvenience? It has been and will be. I have so much work to catch up on at the office, stuff at home that I need to get done. My impending surgery will just put me out of commission for another week and I hate it at this point. It's not fair to my family, job, etc. This surgery better work so I can recover and get back to being the Mom/Wife/Employee I need to be.

Did I mention I feel a fever blister coming on?

Stressed to the max

2008-06-06T02:09:00.003-04:00

Or should I say strep-ed to the max. Last Friday night the kids and I met some friends for Concert in the park, featuring The Veronica's, Kate Vogele and Natasha Bedingfield. We had a blast, it was the first concert for both of my kids. We will definitely make it a habit though. I felt great that night when I went to bed.......BAM woke up Sat. morning with a horrible sore throat and achy all over. Took Ibuprofen and Tylenol for the pain and sipped soup and slept the day away. Wake up Sunday and repeat, only this time feeling worse, could barely swallow and my throat looked like I was a reject from the sword swallowing act in the circus. I was so miserable that I barely slept Sun. night. My Mom came and took me to my Dr. as my hubby had to get R to school and he had to open the office since I was otherwise engaged.

My Primary Dr. was out so I had a sub, yep, it was like having a bad sub in school. He had no clue. They swabbed and took blood and told me my throat looked unremarkable......WTF, unremarkable for a Jackson Pollack maybe. He sent me on my way with the diagnosis of a possible virus and either "you will get better or worse". UH...Thanks!!! So I just begged my Mom to take me home, she hooked me up with water and OTC meds for pain and left me to try and sleep. Luckily since I homeschool M and he is 15 he was helpful. Fast forward through a miserable day .......3am I beg hubby to take me to the ER as I had begun to vomit (pretty huh). Thank God....the ER was empty and they got me back right away. They swabbed, took blood and got me started on IV fluids with some Toradol for pain and Fenegren for nausea. Didn't really help so we upped it to Morphine and Zofran for same. This time so relief, love me some Morphine. About this time test results start coming back, I have raging Strep Throat and its has progressed to my blood. Not good, but good that I came in. (Thanks Dr. from earlier in the day) They started me on IV antibiotics, Clindamycin as I am allergic to Amoxil and Sulfa drugs, and was also given a 2nd bag of fluids. We left about 7:30am with me feeling nice and drugged up and hydrated. OH....did I mention that my period also started on Sat.? Makes things even more fun, kinda like a bad carnival ride. I was able to sleep for the rest of the day and my prescription pain meds kept me mostly unconscious, just like I like it.

Tues. night not so good, I felt worse, reason being, my throat was so messed up I just could not swallow enough fluids to keep me hydrated, so off to the ER we go for another bag of fluids, some more nausea meds and then back home to sleep. Finally I was able to rest, take fluids orally on Wed. and had two full days of antibiotics in me.

Thurs. was my best day so far, I was actually able to eat solids and drink. My pain is down and I just feel really weak at this point.

To add to the stress of all this....this was M's exam week, normally I handle all of his schooling but hubby stepped in and took over for me. I am so blessed and the two of them managed to suck it up and get things done. Poor R, this is the week before recital and a girl needs her Mom to help her with hair and make-up for pictures. Luckily hubby stepped up and made sure both kids were taken care of. Some of the other Mom's helped R with her hair and make-up and she was ok with that. Usually I am on top of all this recital stuff so I feel kind of lost right now. Tomorrow is dress rehearsal so I am sure I will catch up on the details then. In the meantime M and I have to run errands tomorrow and pick up new ballet shoes, tights and last minute hair stuff. I think I am up for it, but I know I will be wiped out by tomorrow night. Not to mention my Ex, M & R's Dad is coming in town. It's great for them, but he never makes things easier for me, just more to juggle.

Now here it is, I am exhausted but I have slept so much this week that I can't sleep now. My noisy brain is in overdrive.

Random pic:

Bowling alley fun with M & R

Summer vacation...hurry up...(kids mentioned)

2008-05-29T01:47:00.007-04:00

I cannot wait for school to be over for this school year. Both of my kids are sooo over school. M - is doing 2 days worth of work 3 times a week so he can be done sooner. Since he is homeschooled we have that flexibility. R - is dragging, unfortunately she does not have the same luxury as M. She attends a Montessori school so we are subjected to their schedule and that means she has school until June 13th. What happened to the days of summer, back in the day summer vacation was June thru August with everyone going back right after Labor day. Summer should be a full 3 months, at least in my opinion.

I have managed to manage my stress without having to resort to meds. If you knew me, you would realize that is nothing shy of a miracle. But this weekend begins the real stress. I am the parent of 2 dancers and recital is June 7th. My kids will be in approximately 10 dances each, just a guesstimate as M dances more than R due to his being homeschooled. That is 20 costumes total. Do you have any idea how expensive dance costumes are? Unlimited dance classes? All types of dance shoes, ballet, tap, jazz, etc. Recital is the culmination of a years worth of blood sweat and tears, and not just for the kids. I am a basket case by the time the recital curtains go up. Don't get me wrong...I love it and so do the kids. It wouldn't be worth the time and money if they didn't. I am just soooo worn out by this time of year. I have to organize all the costumes & accessories , putting them in performance order for quick changes. I have to make sure both kids have new tights, and that their shoes are in good shape (no dirty ballet shoes on stage). I have to make sure I have all hair and make-up stuff together for both kids, yep, even M has to wear make-up on stage otherwise he would be washed out. It's always amazing and I am always so proud but then the clean-up begins, making sure everything is accounted for after the show, all pieces and parts gathered and then costumes cleaned and made ready for storage. Why keep the costumes when it's over? Considering we spend several thousand $ a year on costumes and sometimes parts of them can be re-used or mixed & matched with a new costume, well it's worth the hassle of storage.

New random pic of kids in one of last years recital costumes.

Memorial Day ....Thank You

2008-05-26T01:02:00.005-04:00

A big Thank You to all the veterans and active duty military personnel!! My husband is retired Army and served for almost 25 yrs. I feel blessed that he loves his country enough that he dedicated such a large portion of his life to serving our country. We had a special family day today, started with church and then lunch (a little rocky) and then fun at the pool with family. I now have a few funky tan lines from not rotating enough while at the pool..LOL

Fertility related thoughts were bouncing in my head today. I so badly want to share the joy of pregnancy and raising a child with my husband, but. Yep, but...my sister-in-law came to the pool with my 2 nephews today, a 2 1/2 yr old and a 9 month old. Wonderful, sweet, amazing boys, I love them sooo much, but I really watched how much work it was for her. She had to bring so much stuff with her, swim diapers, floats, water-wings, snacks, regular diapers, bottles, etc. Then I realized that she can't just get in the water to cool off when she wants, she can't lay out on the chair and read or relax. For me to go to the pool with my kids, we take the normal essentials (towels, sunscreen, water and snacks) after those items my kids choose what pool fun they want to bring. Everyone carries their own stuff. My kids both swim, and swim very well ( R-she's 10 1/2 and M-he's 15) I can get in and out of the pool at my whim, I don't have to entertain as they usually hook up with friends, I can read and relax without having to watch them like a hawk (I don't sleep, I look up and and listen out for their voices). I realized that I might not want to give up that luxury, sounds petty, but there are other things too. I can sleep in, I have help with household chores. My kids can stay home together without an adult when hubby and I go on the occasional date. My kids can fix their own food if necessary (sandwiches, soup, etc) Everyday that goes by that I am not pregnant and getting older I realize I have it sooo good, and do I really want to mess with that. It sounds flaky, but I guess it's normal to be wishy-washy when dealing with infertility and all the emotional crap that it involves. I know I would never regret having another child, I would love a new child as much as I love my existing children, and it's a real possibility I might regret not continuing to try to have another child. It all just messes with your head, and for sure my brain is tired and I am sick and tired of feeling physically and mentally crappy from either the hormones or the disappointment that goes with infertility. I just wish it were easier and more clear-cut.

Random picture for today:

A picture of my son with the Batman brownies I made.....he still wants to grow up to be Batman...LOL

Busy

2008-05-21T01:45:00.001-04:00

Today was busy. My lovely daughter woke up complaining of a headache and a stiff neck. I assumed the stiff neck was from sleeping on it funny and the headache was from the morning congestion, thinking back now, who wakes up with a headache, I should have paid better attention. Hubby took her to school as it was my turn to open the office. I sent her off with instructions to call me if it didn't get better. 30 minutes after she arrived at school the nurse called to let me know that she had a fever so off I went to pick her up. We were slightly concerned (stiff neck, fever and headache can mean meningitis) but after running through a few observations we determined that she probably just has a viral bug. I brought her home and gave her Motrin and Benedryl and she took a bath and went to sleep. My son stayed home with her while I went back to work for a little while. ( My office is literally 3 minutes from my house and son is 15 yrs old so I felt comfortable leaving) I brought the kids lunch and daughter got up, ate a bit and took more Motrin and went back to bed.

I made the decision to cook for dinner tonight. A miracle...last time I cooked was Feb 14, 2007, I hate cooking. Before going home I trekked to the store and bought groceries, it was foreign....I also hate grocery shopping. Arrived home to daughter still sleeping and son caught a ride to dance. The amazing thing about coming home early is the ability to get things done around the house. I really wanted to nap but knew if I laid down that would be it, I would crash. Instead I did laundry and prepared brownies with powered sugar Batman emblems on them...very cool! Daughter got up, took more Motrin and went back to sleep again, I made sure she was drinking so as to stay hydrated. I cooked and it was awesome, I can cook, I just choose not too. Daughter (R) ate chicken noodle soup after taking her 2nd bath of the day. She said the baths helped her aches in her bones. She was still running fever but seemed to be feeling a little better, I'm sure the sleep helped. She will stay home with Son (M) in the morning while I go into the office till noon and then we will take him to homeschool dance and she and I will come home and chill for the rest of the day. I think we will cook something for dinner together if she feels up to it, she loves to cook.

In the midst of all this we had someone call out sick today at work which is why I had to go back in after picking R up from school. Normally it wouldn't be a problem but we had visitors in the office today and that required a full staff.

For the past week I have been waking up with my hands and feet slightly swollen, usually this only happens right before my period and it subsides once I am up and moving. I am no where near starting my period and it never lasts more than a day or two, and its lasting all day. Weird. My hormones are probably so mixed up. I still want a baby, one baby, all these shows on TV about multiples and having 2 little ones visit have convinced me I am too old for more than one...LOL Sometimes I see myself pregnant again so clearly, it comes out of the blue, and other times it feels like it will never happen. I can see it in my mind and I feel it in my heart, my heart aches to love another child, to create a child with my husband. This weekend with visiting little ones brought home to me how wonderful my husband is with other children and I can only imagine how amazing he would be with ours. I so want to share that with him.

Niece E & R with C (little visitor) swinging in our backyard

I did it

2008-05-19T01:45:00.003-04:00

What you ask did I do? I made it through the past 2 weekends without needing my anti-anxiety meds. That is a major accomplishment considering what I was dealing with. We had that cookout the first weekend and this past weekend we had company. I was thrilled to see our company, but it always stresses me out...most people can understand that. I had to get my house in order, and then we small children here. A 4 yr old and an 14 month old. I have many nieces and nephews but we haven't had a little one in the house for an extended period in quite awhile. The most nerve wracking is the fact that we have stairs. So needless to say I am exhausted from being on my toes the entire weekend, but we had a great time.

The kids are so ready for school to be over for the year. It seems to be dragging for all of us, and we still have till June 16th...sucks!

Random pic of the day:

Hubby dancing with one of our guests

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-12T00:56:00.000-04:00

Today was Mother's Day, we went to church with my Mom and then to lunch with her and my brother's family. I am blessed with an amazing family. My husband is a good listener and bought me this dress that I have been eyeing for weeks and my kids got me Target gift cards...I love Target. I was then able to come home and get a nap in with no interruption. It would have been nice to do something outdoors today but the weather was rainy for the most part.

Hubby and I went to the cookout I mentioned previously. We had so much fun. It was awesome to see friends I had not seen in years and to introduce hubby to everyone. It was a little crazy as I had never been to a cookout that was being filmed for TV, but surprisingly enough I wasn't nervous and being interviewed was interesting to say the least.

My belly-button has not completely healed and I still have that small protrusion. I have resigned myself to having this surgery, I feel at this point I cannot live with the pain, especially since I am never sure of when it will strike. I still want to get pregnant, and we will be putting our best effort forth this month, you never know it could happen. My ambivalence about having a baby comes and goes. I think its my hearts way of protecting me from disappointment especially with my upcoming surgery.

It's back

2008-05-09T00:56:00.004-04:00

The pain came back with this cycle and I can't believe I forgot how bad it was. I have been on the fence about having this surgery and now I have fallen off the fence. I can't believe how bad the pain is and that I forgot how bad it is. I guess it's God's way of protecting us. I am sooo miserable. This time I didn't wait, I called the Dr. and made an appt for the same day. My GP prescribed me some Darvocet to get me through the worst of it. I really don't like the way it makes me feel, it doesn't work as well as hydro-codone and honestly I need the hard stuff for this pain. I also had him prescribe me some Ativan to help with my stress. I used to be on Elavil for depression and have been off of it for about 2 years. I am trying to hold out in hopes of getting pregnant, hopefully the Ativan on an as needed basis will get me through the rough times.

I have a cook-out to go to on Sat. afternoon. It should be interesting. I have had a friend for years who has battled weight issues. She has some connections in the Entertainment industry, friendships she has built over the years she lived in California. At this point she has been given the opportunity to share her journey through television. Hubby and I are going to the cookout to celebrate her losing 50lbs so far and for the tv crew to film this event. After the party I have a scheduled interview with the producers. I am assuming I will be asked how we met my take on her battle thus far. Crazy huh? I don't want to use names as I don't want to steal her thunder and she has her own web page. As time goes by I may feel free to disclose more details.

Random photo: Kids dancing at hubby's nephew's wedding reception in Maine this past December.

It's the little things

2008-04-29T01:11:00.002-04:00

Today the little things made me happy. I did not go to work today, my head was still hurting and my dear wonderful hubby, who is also my boss was completely ok with that. I would like to think that he got it and understood that this huge knot and cut on the side of my head was not a joke. So I was able to sleep more as I did not sleep well during the night due to my head hurting. When I did get up I watched a little tv and cleaned both the master and hall bathroom upstairs. It took me about twice as long as it normally would but I just wasn't up to pushing myself with this headache. I was able to watch some more tv before it was time to pick the kids up from dance. We then met my Mom and hubby and my best friend for dinner. Hubby has been especially attentive since last night. We had a blow-out after my injury. It's been a longtime coming as we have not been on the same page for a few weeks. I swear I have tried but he has been so wrapped up in work issues (yes, I understand and I have been supportive)but he has been distant. After our blow-out which involved me screaming and crying and telling him I don't feel important (I cited examples), the light clicked and he seems to have gotten it. I don't expect perfection, nor do I expect to always be the center of his universe, but I do need to feel that there are times when I will come first. I felt that my head wound counted as an instance of importance.

The kids are busy with dance, recital is coming up soon and they both take performing seriously. Lovely daughter's pointe shoes were ordered today and they should be in by Wed. She is soooo excited and she is soooo ready. This week is also CRCT testing for the county for her grade and several others and she gets a little nervous as doing well is important to her. Son is counting down the days till school is over for him. Even though I homeschool him I keep his schedule in sync with daughter's as it it makes holidays easier. 10th grade next year, I cannot believe how quickly he has grown up.

Another random photo for today....

This is from a dance competition about 5 years ago, which would make daughter 5 yrs and son 10 yrs. They were sooo cute and little then.

Not so good end to the weekend

2008-04-28T02:14:00.000-04:00

The weekend ended badly, but first let me address my vision just so there is no confusion nor am I misrepresenting information. I am well aware of my true diagnosis and the reasons behind it (my old age...LOL), but my opthamologist/optometrist (he is both) agrees that my job requiring me to be focused on a computer screen for 8 hours a day, well it plays a part. On to the rest of my weekend.

My nephew had his 8th Birthday party today. It was at my sister's house. They rented one of those large blow-up jumpy things and the kids had a blast. Lots of snacks and fun to be had by all. The weekend took a turn for the worse as we began clean-up. I was helping bring chairs inside from the backyard. The round kitchen table had been put back in its place in the kitchen, there is a large glass light fixture that hangs from the ceiling that they usually center the table under. It was not centered this time. I was arranging chairs around the table and turned to go get more and I slammed the side of my head into this light fixture. The lights went out for a split second and I swear I saw stars. I was off balance and grabbed the side of my head, looked down and saw blood dripping furiously through my fingers toward the floor. I screamed in pain and my family came running. My Mom and sister are both nurses and they were a little freaked. The blood was pouring from my head. My Mom guided me to the sink and I hung my head over it while she grabbed a rag and pressed it to my head. At this point I looked at my hands and saw they were covered with blood and blood was splattering in the bottom of the kitchen sink, I was a little nervous. We moved to the couch so I could lay down and my Mom could continue putting pressure on the wound but also so she could take a peek. The bleeding slowed and my Mom was able to look at the wound and determined it was about an inch long and pretty deep. I continued with the pressure and with ice for the next 30mins and the bleeding stopped. Talk about a headache, I have hit my head fairly hard before but nothing compared to this. As I sit here 9 hours later and several ibuprofen and acetaminophen later I still have a headache. Although I could have used a few stitches I decided against it. I had not desire to sit in an emergency room waiting area for several hours to be seen and then have a Dr. stab me with a needle in the sorest part of my head. I decided to go home, rest and keep an eye on it. I had to wash my hair as it was caked with blood and that wouldn't go over to well at work tomorrow, but at this point I'm not sure if I will go in.

So it started out a good weekend and ended with a huge headache.

Good weekend

2008-04-27T01:56:00.000-04:00

So far it's been a good weekend. Friday night started out with potential drama. Earlier in the day one of the girls from the dance studio started some drama over movie plans that several of the kids had made. We love this girl (Nina) to death, but she has a habit of being manipulative with our son. She was his first crush and he loves her dearly still, in fact they are best friends. He is over the crush part and has moved on, she has a boyfriend. The problem comes when the boyfriend is not around, she wants to the center of son's attention. He complies often (he's only 15 and still learning relationship dynamics). He finally figured out he was being manipulated and stood up for himself. The daughter (Carolyn) of our friends got caught monkey in the middle because son is very close with her too. Clear heads prevailed, instead of being drawn into more drama son and we went to dinner with our friends and Carolyn. Daughter had her best friend over for the night so we had quite a lively crowd at dinner. On to Cold Stone Creamery for ice cream for all. Back to the house for a movie. Son learned something and decided his night was better for removing himself from the other situation.

Today the kids had dance... regular Sat. class for son and then review of audio competition critiques. Then on to the mall for a little snack and shopping. Daughter had several Old Navy gift cards and she picked out a couple of cute outfits. I got 2 new pair of Dr. Scholls sandals...love them!! Son got a new beanie with brim and a Jimi Hendrix cd. Hubby bought himself some new Izod plaid shorts and polos. Almost forgot, I picked up the greatest lip stain from "Aeirie" It's a clothing store for younger girls, but I had to buy this stuff....I love it. OOOO..... I had my 1st eye exam in probably 20 yrs. I have difficulty reading up close, no problem with distance. I really only need reading glasses, so we got the ones that are the prescribed strength and they seem to help. I'm sure the vision issues are related to being on the computer 8 hours a day.

Finally shopping was done, daughter went to spend the night with her Mema and cousin. Hubby, son & Carolyn went to the bowling alley for a few games and food. Our bowling alley has awesome food...crazy huh. I won the 1st game...yep that's how I roll. Long day ended at 10:30pm with us on our way home. Worth every penny spent, all the hours on my feet. Laughs, smiles and just good times had by all.

A plus, hubby and I had a good talk about our infertility and we discussed whether I should have the surgery to remove my tube. We have more to talk about, but we both agree that once its done we can't go back and undo it.

Sound boring to go back and read this post, but it's not all about the stress, sometimes its about the mundane daily life.

My son and his best friend after "Blues Brothers" they are loved by all their fans.

I hate doubt

2008-04-23T01:16:00.000-04:00

I hate feeling doubt and confusion. It seems to be invoking much internal anxiety for me, to have the surgery, to not have the surgery. Can we try to conceive without assistance? How long should we try without going back for assistance? What kind of assistance should we pursue? Is IVF the right choice? Is the cost not really worth the risk of failure? Can I handle another failed IVF? All of these questions are bouncing around in my brain all day and night. It makes me feel super emotional and its hard to function like this.

We went to look at an SUV for our son today, he's only 15yrs old but we are looking for a vehicle for him already. Unfortunately it was not in good shape like we hoped, we have time though. Buying a decent, reliable, safe vehicle is important to us as we don't want to worry anymore than necessary. Some people may think that that makes my son spoiled, but really buying him a vehicle is beneficial to us as parents also. I don't always have the time to do all the taxi driving that my children need. I cannot wait till he gets his full license.

My dearest daughter has recently gotten super motivated about dance due to the prospect of getting on pointe this summer. She has old pointe shoes from some girls at our studio and she plays around in her room with them. Now she has taken an interest in improving her skills and doing her own choreography and videoing it for herself. She's only 10 yrs old so its nice to see this level of maturity in her. We are also facing some typical pre-teen hormone stuff, moody, body development and changes. Its not fun so far, I never anticipated this with her as she has been so mellow her whole life. The poor men in our home, two hormonal ladies living with them...LOL

Lots of thinking to do

2008-04-22T01:16:00.006-04:00

I have so much on my mind. I had a follow up appt. with my General Physician (GP) today. He just wanted to keep track of what is going on with me. He looked at my belly-button and assured me that I needed to wait till my next surgery to have it repaired. After going over my diagnosis with him he stated that removing my fallopian tube is going to lessen our chances of conceiving. I know this already, and his words keep playing over and over in my head. I have so many doubts and questions. I don't want to cut my chances of conception in half at this point in my life, my chances are already lower than I want them to be. We really can't afford to do IVF again, although I know hubby will make it happen for us if its what I really want. Sometimes I wonder if we should try on our own for 2 months to see if we can get pregnant by ourselves. What if my quitting smoking a few months ago increases our chances of conception? Last time we got pregnant I had cut down significantly. We haven't really been able to try on our own since the IVF in January, there was a slight chance in February but then all the pain began.

I have to believe that if I have reasonable doubt about whether to have this surgery at this time than I probably shouldn't. Unfortunately its not reversible, once I give the ok, its done and there goes half my fertility. I am not ready to give it up, I am about preserving it. I have had faith and felt very comfortable and happy with my treatment by my RE up till this point. Now I have to wonder if this is the best choice for me at this time.

The kids had a dance competition this weekend. It was amazing. Everyone did so well and I am so proud of my two. The Pas de deux that my son did with his dance partner received the highest marks this weekend. It may seem selfish of me to want another child when I already have two perfect, healthy children. It is selfish, but I want to share the joy of having a child with my husband. I want to share the wonder of pregnancy, and babyhood, and childhood with my husband.

My daughter, the personal back stomper for sore dancers...

My son and his partner....one of their many lifts.

The pokey outy thingy

2008-04-18T01:44:00.001-04:00

There is a pokey outy thingy coming out of my belly-button. Hubby and I both think it is a part of my belly-button that used to be on the inside of my body as I never had any appendages coming out of my bb before. It is extremely sensitive, even to air and it looks raw and red. Hubby wants me to call the Dr. tomorrow, but I don't think he will want to do anything until my next surgery in June. I think he will want me to heal at little more.

I told hubby tonight that one of the reasons I wanted to put my surgery off till June is that it gives me time to really think about my decision. I want to be absolutely sure I am doing the right thing for me. I feel the need to spend time in prayer and then wait on God to lead and direct me to the right decision. Only God truly knows my ache to have another child, I believe that his guidance will be in accordance with his will for me and my desire to have another baby. Also, waiting till June gives me and hubby a little time to try and get pregnant on our own, who knows, it could happen. What a miracle that would be, it would definitely put surgery on the back burner. The RE did confirm for me that this SIN would not interfere in a healthy pregnancy and would not damage me further.

The kids have a dance competition this weekend. Fortunately its local so we don't have to travel and many of our friends can attend. The kids always enjoy performing for a hometown crowd.

My niece is having an MRI in the morning. She is 11yrs old and has been experiencing frequent headaches that are causing blurring of her vision. Her Dr. has ordered the MRI to rule out anything serious in her head. We are praying that it is nothing serious and that the Dr. will know how to treat her .

I got answers

2008-04-17T01:44:00.004-04:00

Yep, I got answers and I don't like them. Funnily enough my RE was pretty excited. Why you ask, I asked him the same question. His response..."Because now I know what I'm dealing with". Very inspiring. Basically I have two choices.

Choice #1: Don't do anything, keep suffering in pain, and risk an ectopic pregnancy if I were so lucky to even get pregnant.

Choice #2: Have my right fallopian tube removed. Resection, reconstruction, not really options without increasing my chance of an ectopic pregnancy even more. He did say he could also remove the ovary from that side so that my left ovary would kick in double time for sure. A no brainer...nope, I am keeping both my ovaries cause you never know what the future holds. Fortunately the RE agreed with me.

He agreed with me that our chances of conceiving naturally with one tube go down, but I also caught that look in his eyes that said "Right, like that would happen at your age". But he also agreed that the body can and will compensate for the loss of one tube and he did say IVF was still an option for us.

I don't feel like I have much choice if I want to be free of the pain and I want to keep trying to conceive. Healing would be at least a month before we could begin trying again. After much thought I made the decision to schedule surgery for June 19th. It's a ways off, but the kids will be out of school by then, major dance stuff for them will be over and its the middle of the month so it wont interfere with my end of the month work. It's just the best time for me and it gives me a little more time to come to terms with this decision and who knows maybe we will get preggo on our own before then.

In the meantime hubby is supposed to have back surgery for the 3rd time so we are going to try and get his done before mine so he has time to recuperate before its my turn. He has a bulging disk and its compressing a nerve so he is in constant pain. We are a fine pair to try for a baby in our current painful grouchy state.

I know I am all over the map with this post, but my brain is all over the place. Honestly so is my heart. I am so disappointed, my heart aches and my arms are still empty. I so very much want to have a child with my husband, I want to share that joy with him. At this point for me, I just have to cling to my Faith to get me through.

Random picture of the day:

She's really limber

I have SIN

2008-04-16T02:02:00.004-04:00

Yep, I have SIN ....salpingitis isthmica nodosa of my right fallopian tube. I knew something was there, I knew it. Two days pre-op when meeting with the RE he point blank told me that we were probably wasting our time and that the only thing he anticipated finding was a little endo. Boy was he wrong...he actually called my hubby from the OR ask him if he should remove the tube now or wake me and do it later. Hubby and RE and I had discussed and decided that unless it was life or death that nothing would be removed except scar tissue or endo. So hubby told him no, to wake me. I don't remember much, but hubby says that RE told him after surgery..."Well, it wasn't in her head."...Duh...it was in my tube. So I have this SIN and its at the point where the Fallopian tube meets my uterus. It is large and it is causing me pain. We are pretty sure it is the result of the cornual pregnancy from 2yrs ago. Usually they result from an infection and with the fetal tissue that was left in there for 2 months I would not be shocked if it didn't cause an infection. My SIN is very maze like inside the nodule. At this point aside from the pain this SIN can cause infertility, preventing the egg and sperm from meeting, it increases my chances of an ectopic pregnancy. I have to wonder if that's why we have not conceived yet, has God been protecting us due to this SIN? I have to ask the RE if getting pregnant while having this would cause a this thing to rupture, maybe we have to have it removed before we are blessed with a pregnancy. My post-op appt. is tomorrow and I am anxious and looking forward to it at the same time. I have so many questions, I am grateful that I got answers from the surgery, even if I am not happy about the answers. I am glad to confirm that I am not crazy and the pain was not in my head. Can I just interject that I had no idea that Lap. surgery was so painful after the fact and how horrible my belly-button would look and feel. The incision in my pubic hair-line is minor and healing well with only minor soreness, my belly-button is a completely different story. It is bruised, swollen and super-glued shut, not a pretty sight, even my kids think it's gross. I will probably have to have this tube removed and that sucks big time. It can decrease the chances of our ability to conceive naturally, like old eggs and being 41 isn't enough . I just feel like I keep getting kicked in the teeth. I am not sure how a tubal removal effects our conception plans in the short or long term. What about IVF? Will this increase or decrease our chances of success? It is soooo imperative to me to preserve my fertility at this point. I mean I quit smoking, made healthier changed to my diet and lifestyle, its time, I am soooo ready for all this pain, surgery, etc to be over and to get back on track to making a baby.

I will update after I have my post-op appt. and have had the chance to digest all the info.

Here's another random photo:

My nephew (left) my son (right) jammin out in the driveway with family in the garage. We had a family cook-out for my son's birthday and it was a blast.

So much to tell...but I'm tired

2008-04-13T01:45:00.002-04:00

I'm tired and overwhelmed. Surgery went well, meaning no complications and I am recovering. I received my answers and will go into detail at a later time. I'm tired from surgery, recovery, family visits, a party for the kids dance team tomorrow and the end of Spring Break with school starting on Monday> I am so not looking forward to school starting again. I am soooooo ready for summer, I am ready to feel better, I am ready to work part-time, I am ready to get pregnant and have a healthy enjoyable pregnancy that leads to a happy, healthy baby.
The news from my surgery answers my questions, and its not life threatening so that's good, but the answers were not what I was hoping for and it may alter our plans to try and conceive or it may be the answer as to why we haven't conceived and the resolution may help us conceive. I am slowing accepting that it is really in God's hands and I just have to have Faith.

Surgery tomorrow

2008-04-10T00:43:00.000-04:00

Well, actually its today because its after midnight as I type this. Both kids went to spend the night with their best friends tonight. Even though they are both old enough to be home together without an adult its nice for them to be distracted with friends while I go for surgery. Plus they will have a ride to dance. My Mom took tomorrow off so she could be there for my surgery and to help with the kids if we need it.

I had my prescriptions filled today, an antibiotic (doxicycline) and percocet for pain. I really hope the pain wont be that bad. It's been weird, for about a week my pain has been kind of far off and now right before surgery it's been back for about 3 days. I am sooooo ready for some kind of answer.

My desire to get pregnant has had to take a backseat due to all the pain issues I have been dealing with for the past 2 months. I cannot believe that it has been almost 3 months since our IVF. The pain of the failure has lessened but the desire to get pregnant and have a healthy baby is still strong. I haven't allowed myself the opportunity to dwell on it at this point in the process. Who knows, maybe this break from all treatments will be beneficial for our next efforts at conception. We would love to conceive all by ourselves, but I am ready and willing to try super ovulation a few more times or IVF one more time, we can't afford more than one more try, unless we have frozen embies that we could try with. I am hoping and praying that my stopping smoking awhile back and the surgery and the general health improvements I have made will increase our chances. Seeing a pregnant lady at Target today made me wistful, her belly was so round and she just glowed. I want that.

Say a prayer for me, a successful and safe surgery.

Off the subject ~ I have enjoyed adding pictures to my post so I have decided to randomly add them when the whim hits, and I feel a whim.

This is the fort in our backyard...very cool huh.
It played a large part in our decision to purchase our home. It is massive and all the kids love it, so do most of the parents that see it.

Up and coming

2008-04-09T00:43:00.006-04:00

We had the most fabulous time in Jax, Fla. at the kid's dance competition. They both did really well and the team as a whole placed 1st or 2nd in every category. My son even came home to friend requests on his myspace account from girls from another studio they competed against. It's that charm, winning smile and amazing dance skills he inherited from me...LOL

"Imagine"

My daughter in the very center

"Remember the Name"

Son, the only boy in the pic

I had my pre-op appt. with my RE on Monday. He did an ultrasound and didn't really have much to say about it. I assume everything looked the way he hoped or he would have said otherwise. He feels I am barking up the wrong tree and that he wont find anything, I on the other hand know in my heart something is not right. There is no reason for me to be in pain if something weren't wrong. He met with us after the u/s and described the procedure. He will be going in through my belly-button, and possibly another spot right above my pubic line. He will taking a good look-see through out, internal and external uterus, ovaries, and fallopian tubes. Any scar tissue, adhesion's and endo he will laser. Anything more he wont do at the time unless it is imminently life threatening, otherwise he will wake me up and we will discuss if I need something else done. It's day surgery so I will go home after I am stable and am to rest for 4 days. At this point I am optimistically nervous and basically ready to just get this over with and get an answer.

I had an Epiphany today regarding my depression and how it feels like it is hot on my tail. It made complete sense, but I will go into later.

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

2008-04-04T02:17:00.000-04:00

It's officially my Birthday...it's after midnight so it counts in my book. Last night was a crappy night for me. It's been a long time since I had a major meltdown, years in fact. Tonight the old crap reared its ugly head. I have battled depression since I was 14 yrs old, it has been a horrific experience at times. Sometimes I could keep the face and stay strong and often I could barely keep my head above water. I have been off my anti-depressants for 2 years and have managed to keep an even keel so far. This new battle I have been facing, the battle with secondary age related infertility has been kicking my emotional and physical butt. I can't give up or give in, but my guard was down tonight and I melted into a raging puddle. I am embarrassed to admit that my children were present and they were upset because I was upset. When I had calmed down and composed myself I had to take time with each child and apologize (no I was not abusive in any way during my meltdown). I had to apologize for upsetting them and also explain a little about my depression and the strain I am under. Not too many details, but they were already aware that I have battled depression so I just explained how it can take a toll on your mind and body. They are ok now, it was sad for all of us. I promised them that I was not going to be defeated by my depression and that they are my strength to always keep fighting.
We head out of town tomorrow for the kids dance competition, I am not looking forward to the trip but I can't wait to see the kids dance. They inspire me and make me sooo proud to be their Mom.
Happy 41st Birthday to Me!!!

April 1st....41 in 3 days

2008-04-02T00:33:00.002-04:00

Yep, I will be 41 yrs old in 3 days...I wish it was an April Fools joke but no such luck. Actually I should be grateful to be blessed to still be here on this earth. No one is promised tomorrow.
I am counting down the days till my Lap. surg on April 10th.
The kids have a dance competition this weekend. I usually love competition time, but not this year. There is so much going on for us, Competition in another state, then their Father wants to then take them from competition to his house in Fla. for Spring Break. It's just a logistical and packing nightmare. We have to travel with quite a bit of luggage for costumes and to have to pack extra clothes for time with their Dad just means extra bags and more laundry prior to the trip. Normally I don't bitch about their visits with their Dad, normally Spring Break and competitions don't coincide. To top all that off son wants to come home early from his Dad's so he can celebrate his Birthday with his cousins from out of town. They will be traveling through the weekend after competition and son desperately wants to see his cousins and have a belated Birthday celebration with them. To do this cuts down the time the kids spend with their Dad over Spring Break. It all comes down to bad timing and I'm leaving it up to son as I try my best not to interfere with visitation. Their Father usually wants me to meet him half-way to pick up kids from visitation, and usually that is not a problem. But, now that son wants to come home early for family visit it is a huge issue, the day they would need to come home is the day of my surgery. Pretty obvious that I will not be able to drive (half-way point round trip is 6 hrs), hubby will be taking care of me post-op and my Mother has to work that night (she's a nurse) and she has to sleep during the day. All of these factors mean my Ex would have to bring the kids all the way home and then drive back either the same day or the next and that wont work for him. See its one big confusing, stressful mess and what would normally not faze me has me twisted and unable to relax. It doesn't help that I am still in pain, but hey, my fever blister is almost gone so I am less ogreish in appearance.
All the fertility stuff seems to have taken a back seat right now, at least physically and for everyone else but me. It is always in my heart and mind. I am trying to remain focused, positive and strong in my faith.

Not fertility

2008-03-31T00:55:00.003-04:00

A non-fertility related post...a first for me maybe. Tonight my 15yr old son had his first date, not only that it was a blind date. His best friend has a girl that he likes and he really wanted to go out with her so he corralled son into going on a double date. Son was hesitant but willing to be his friend's wingman. They all met at Outback Steakhouse. Evidentially things went well. Son said the girl that was his date was very pretty and he really enjoyed getting to know her. He said he hopes that they can do dinner again. This girl is a year older than him, not a bad thing, she can drive on dates...LOL. Actually my wonderful son is great, he is very mature and respectful. All the years of dance, especially the partnering have made him grow up and deal with girls on a different level than most boys his age. He has an affinity for older girls, giggly ones get on his nerves.
Here is my attempt at adding a picture of him.....

This was Nutcracker practice this past November 2007, he's the one flipping one girl on his back while the other girl is beneath him. It was an amazing performance and a wonderful opportunity to perform with a professional company, and now he is on to dating. They grow up way too fast.

How much for a trade in?

2008-03-28T02:39:00.000-04:00

I am officially falling apart so I was thinking of trading myself in for a newer model. The final straw...a huge, disgusting fever blister on my upper lip. I was fortunate to make it through the first 38 years of my life without ever experiencing a fever blister. When I had that cornual pregnancy 2 years ago is when I was cursed with my first fever blister. It was horrible, I had no idea how painful they could be and how badly they could make one feel. Fast forward to the present and day before yesterday I awoke to the familiar tingle on my lip. It didn't take long for it to develop into a full blown festering fever blister. Fortunately for me my Ob/Gyn called me in a refill for Famvir and it shouldn't take long to kick in. For the moment I look like a prize fighter that lost the prize.

I spoke to the RE's office today. I am to continue the b/c pills, taking the last active pill on April 1st. My pre-op appt. is scheduled for April 7th and surgery is still on for April 10th. I am so ready for this surgery. I feel in my gut and my heart that there is something going on with my right fallopian tube. Whether it is endo, scar tissue or left over fetal tissue from 2 years ago (not ruling that out) I just feel like I know my body and I know the pain is the same as the cornual pregnancy and its not going away. I am ready to be fixed so we can move forward with trying for a baby.

No change

2008-03-27T00:39:00.002-04:00

Nothing much has changed as far as my pain issues go. My flank pain only rears its head toward the end of the day, my abdominal pain is pretty much constant with the intensity fluctuating. I am so over this, its pathetic, I cannot wait to have this Lap. surgery and get some answers and hopefully relief.
My son had his 15th Birthday on Saturday...why do they have to grow up so fast? Due to the Holiday weekend we weren't able to go to the DMV till yesterday to get his Learners Permit. He was so nervous but he had studied so I felt confident he would do well. It was awesome...he passed with flying colors. His face lit up when he saw me after he was finished. I was and am still filled with pride in him. After he got his picture taken and his permit handed to him I handed him the keys and asked him if he was ready to drive. He could not believe I was actually going to let him drive...he was soooo excited. I have to say he has been very receptive to instruction and is actually a very good driver. He is cautious and shows great awareness, I hope that that will continue as we have this year to prepare for him to get his actual Drivers License. In the meantime I kind of like being able to sit in the passenger seat.

UGH!!!

2008-03-20T23:29:00.000-04:00

Saw my regular RE on Wed. He determined that the larger of the two sacs in my uterus is a fibroid cyst probably in my uterine lining, the other one has fluid in it and he is not quite sure what it is. The cyst on my ovary is large and causes me pain, but we aren't sure if its THE pain. My RE agreed with my primary physician and wanted me to see a Urologist. The owner of the company I work for, his son is a Urologist, so that is who I was referred to and that is who I saw today.
The appt. itself went well, but I left confused. He does not think I have any kidney issues, he thinks I may have an over active bladder or I may be making too much urine. I need to go for some blood work and also a urine profile to rule out kidney stones, see that is confusing, he never mentioned kidney stones. I have to keep a record of everything I drink and when and how much I pee for 24 hours. The nurse said it could take 5-6 weeks to get the complete results of all the tests. So what the heck does that mean?
I am so ready to have this Lap. surg. and find out what is causing my pain and get it taken care of.

It is worse

2008-03-18T23:29:00.000-04:00

Today after a sleepless night we went to see the RE, not my normal RE (he's a little odd but still pretty smart), but the Dr. on call for him while he is on vacation. She was extremely concerned and compassionate on the phone yesterday. So they got us right in and I was told to strip from the waist down and empty my bladder. Dr. came in shortly after and looked over the Radiologist report from yesterday and asks me tons of questions about my pain, symptoms, cycle, etc. After all that we get down to the nitty gritty and start the trans-vaginal ultra-sound. She must drive a Jetta and not a Ferrari like my regular RE. Anyway, she took her time and located the ovarian cyst which is quite large, it's on my right ovary and it wasn't there on Feb 20th or Feb 28th and neither was a follicle. The Dr. seems to think that it might be bleeding and that could be the source of my flank and shoulder blade pain. As she looks at my uterus she discovers two sacs, one a little larger than the other. At first she was not inclined to think that either was a pregnancy. But the longer she looked and the more angles she looked from she seriously started to believe this was two early pregnancies. She saw the white ring around the sacs, saw potential fetal poles in each. After getting the dates of my last two periods and their duration she looked at the little conception/due date wheel and said there was a strong possibility I was pregnant. Talk about shock. I wanted so bad to feel happy and excited, hubby was nervous and asking tons of questions as my brain was frozen.
After everything we had been through over the past 2 years and we might be pregnant for real. My HCG was not back from the day before so she decided to send me downstairs to the lab to have another one done. It would be useful as a reference if the first one came back positive. We headed downstairs and got the blood draw and then back upstairs to wait. They decided to send us on our way and promised to call as soon as they got either result. Inside I was terrified, terrified something was wrong and terrified I wouldn't be pregnant after all. I put on my best face and agreed to go to work for as long as I could tolerate the pain.
Half way to the office and my cell rings....it was the RE, the HCG from yesterday came back negative. She was sorry but I was not pregnant. Kicked in the gut once again. I asked questions that I can't recall now. She doubted my results from today's test would be different but would call me if they were. She said the mystery deepened and would talk to my RE and see where he wanted to go from here.
Several hours later I get a call from the RE again, she had spoken to my regular RE and explained everything to him. He wants to see me in the morning for his own look see. So in we go again at 9:45 am. Who knows. What I do know is that I feel worse than I felt before, I am still in pain and now the emotional pain is worse. I felt like we were handed a gift and then it was yanked out of our hands before we could open it. I so wanted to believe that all of our prayers had been answered. I am grateful for the care I have received the past two days but I wanted a different answer. I am hoping to get more info tomorrow and maybe my Lap. surg. will get bumped up. The RE we saw today feels I probably have scar tissue and endo that is causing my abdominal pain.
Also my primary physician called today to inform me of my blood work. Except for not being pregnant all my other blood tests were great. So I guess I can be grateful for that.

Can it get worse?

2008-03-17T23:29:00.003-04:00

Yes it can. I have been in constant pain, lower right abdominal pain, right flank pain and now right shoulder blade pain. What does all this mean? Who knows....I saw my OB/GYN last Thurs and was prescribed another antibiotic for the potential kidney infection. Levaquin this time, supposed to be pretty good stuff, UA came back clear but with trace blood so a culture was sent off. Fast forward to today, woke up in tears after little to no sleep due to constant need to pee and pain. Called my primary Dr. and got an appt. for this morning. Dear annoyed, fed up hubby went with me. Another UA was done, trace blood again but other wise unremarkable, we got the culture results back from last Thurs. and it was clear, no infection. Why am I still in horrible pain? After an exam, Dr. decided to send me across the street to the hospital for an in depth ultra-sound of the abdomen and pelvis. I had an external Ab and pelvic ultra-sound and a vaginal ultrasound...talk about fun. We then were instructed to go back to the Dr.'s office to wait for results. About 45 minutes later the Dr. comes in and tells me I am interesting. Thanks, glad I can entertain you. He proceeds to tell us that my Ab ultra-sound was completely normal, pelvic ultrasound was the interesting one. I have a cyst on my right ovary, I have the measurements, not sure if its big or not, he didn't seem worried about that, the crazy part...."There is a small cystic area in the uterus. No fetal pole or yolk sac is identified but I cannot exclude a very early pregnancy." That was the Radiologists report word for word. So now we are in shock.

Is this a repeat of 2 yrs ago? I have all the same symptoms, ab pain, shoulder blade pain, need to pee all the time, but only dribbling, exhausted, feeling like utter crap. All these were signs of a failed pregnancy and a cornual pregnancy that was not diagnosed till months later after much suffering. Can life really be that cruel? I mean I want to be pregnant, I just don't want to deal with loss and pain again. I have had a period but I could have bled and still been pregnant, it was a short cycle. I have been on the b/c pills and all these crazy antibiotics what has all that stuff done? The scariest part is the shoulder-blade pain and the lower right ab pain, I am so afraid of another cornual/ectopic pregnancy. I just cannot deal with this happening all over again. The only plus if this is a failed pregnancy is the fact that we can get pregnant and that means my eggs are not too old.

I have an appt. with the RE tomorrow morning. My regular RE is out of town so I will be seeing his fill-in, but I have seen her once before and she was great on the phone today, so I feel confident in seeing her tomorrow. She will do an ultra-sound and my HCG will be back also, so hopefully we will get some answers.

I hate Birthcontrol pills

2008-03-11T23:46:00.003-04:00

Yes, I really do. I hate that I am on them in preparation for my Lap. surgery. I hate the way they make me feel. I took b/c pills for years when I was a teen and in my early 20's and had no problems with them. Now...they make my life hell. I do not do well on them, I am tired, crabby, nauseous and everything else. Taking them messes with my head, it means one less one that I can try to get pregnant, with or without assistance. That pisses me off and makes me weepy, after all I am told my eggs are old and I only have so much time left. Unless my RE seriously expects me to give up on my own eggs so easily in my book. To me only 4 super ovulation cycles with intercourse and 1IVF does not seem excessive and does not seem like the end of the road for me as I did have 7 mature eggs and they all fertilized in my IVF cycle. Maybe they didn't implant for reasons that will be discovered during my Lap. procedure and have nothing to do with my eggs and age. I am feeling desperate and more unwilling to give up on my genetic connection yet. I need a fair shot, whether that means trying without assistance or trying IVF one last time with my eggs.
In the meantime my pain is still there and constant and I am so over it.

Still hurting

2008-03-07T00:05:00.002-05:00

I am still hurting...kidney infection seems to be better but oddly enough my kidney pain seems to come back around mid-day. My abdominal pain is still the same, annoying and painful. I am seriously thinking of hitting my Dr. up for some more pain meds, because I am going to run out long before my scheduled Lap. surg.
I was soooo hoping for Buzz to stick. As of last night I just don't think that happened. I had some very slight pink spotting right before bed. Nothing this morning and then a few instances of slight brown spotting, very small amounts and then nothing. I am not really having any cramps, other than the usual pain that I have been living with. I did break down and POAS last night, I knew it would be negative but a girl can dream. I had my silent cry in the tub...hubby was sleeping and didn't want to wake him, he was already sad earlier when I told him I was spotting. So I allowed myself to cry and feel sorry for myself until I got out of the tub.
I was telling a friend yesterday how much I resent other pregnant women. I know that their pregnancy does not deny me mine but I just feel resentful and somewhat bitter. I am really trying to overcome that, after all I have no clue about their circumstances. Any way I was telling her that when I see pregnant ladies I just want to punch them........I say this in jest and she got it. She said I should probably steer clear of pregnant ladies...funny thing.......they are everywhere. Seriously, I thought about this last night. I have never been so bombarded with fertility, pregnancy and babies. I know I am not imagining this, its crazy and it drives me crazy. Every magazine, every website, pregnancy!!! It is a constant reminder to me so even when I try to focus on other things and not be so self concerned with my fertility I cannot get away from it. It feels often like the universe is trying to tell me something, or maybe it's God. I rely on my faith to get me through. Which brings me to..
Faith...I was talking to my Mother the other day and was telling her of my thoughts on my struggle. I believe that God answers prayers, I believe God wants whats best for me and my family. I believe that children are a blessing from God. Which makes me wonder why do people that don't believe and have Faith get to be pregnant? How come they are blessed with a baby without believing while I who believes remains empty. Don't get me wrong, I have already been blessed with two amazing children, but my husband and I want a child we made together. It may seem selfish but how is it anymore selfish than any other couple that wants a child together? I realized as I was talking to my Mom that all my success' and failures in every aspect of my life are a result of my Faith. The way I live my Faith. We have not be regular in our church attendance and I hate that for all of us, but especially my children. I asked myself...why would God bless us with a child when I am not even making sure the two I already have are getting the exposure to church and God like they should. My children know and believe but as children they are young in their Faith and it is important for us all to grow in our Faith. So is that the key? Do I need to grow in my Faith to be worthy of a baby? I have been trying to turn my anxiety about infertility over to God. I am trying not to feel overwhelmed, recognizing that God is really the one in control, not me, not hubby, and not even the RE. I need to accept that statistics are not God's way. Did you know that every women documented to be faced with infertility in the Bible was healed of her infertility and blessed with a pregnancy and a child? How amazing is that? I so want to be a success story. I do not want to end my fertile years on a failure.
More thoughts to come on this later and more thoughts on my thoughts on continued IVF with my eggs versus donor eggs.

Am I better?

2008-03-02T23:24:00.002-05:00

Am I better? I am not sure how to answer that question when asked of me. I guess I feel a little better, my kidney pain seems to be less as each day passes, my abdominal pain stays the same. I spend most of my time attached to my heating pad, we are best friends. I really need to come up with a name for him/her....LOL. All of this pain and being practically bed-ridden with pain has really messed with my head. I feel absent from my life. I have plans to go to work tomorrow, I am so far behind and need to catch up. The kids and hubby have been very sympathetic and understanding, and its not fair to them. Hopefully my RE can bump up my Lap. surgery so we can get this pain under control.
The benefit of this downtime for me has been time for me to think. I really want to try and conceive naturally, I truly have faith in my body, that my body is still capable. My intentions are to eat and drink healthier with conception being a goal, not the only goal. Prayer has always been a part of my life, sometimes a bigger part and sometimes a lesser part. Research shows that prayer plays a large part in success of IVF and conventional conception. My faith has me believing that if you pray in earnest that God answers all prayers. I can only hope and pray that God will answer my prayers to bless us with a child of our own.

The pain continues

2008-02-29T23:10:00.003-05:00

My pain has only continued and has even increased. I spent the majority of the day in the ER yesterday, on Tues. I went to the Dr. because my pain has shifted to my right flank. It took several days and much persistence on my part but I have a kidney infection. My repeated UA's came back negative but I asked for a culture and we finally got the results today. I was right. I am now on my 2nd antibiotic, Septra and I don't do well together so now I am on Cipro, and neither Dr. is sure it works well against the bacteria I have, Amoxil would work great on the bacteria, unfortunately I am severely allergic so we decided not to add any extra excitement to our weekend and stick with the Cipro. I may go see the RE in the morning as he is keeping tabs on me, hubby asked him if we could bump up my Laproscopy, I cannot wait till April if the pain continues at this level.
On a side note, all the hard work (sex) that hubby and I had last week trying to get preggo on our own may have been in vain. With the abdominal CT scan yesterday, the antibiotics and the hydro-codone for pain, well our potential embryo that we might have created, well it probably doesn't stand a chance. Although I have been praying that if we succeeded that God would please watch out for our buzz. Yep, that's its name, buzz. Why? Because an embryo is the result of egg and sperm successfully meeting, embie is a nickname many people in the infertile community use, embie made me think of the letter B and the letter B made me think of bumble bee's and bumble bee's made me think of buzzing, so therefore I have nicknamed all potential offspring buzz.

Biding time

2008-02-24T01:56:00.003-05:00

For now we are just biding our time. My appt. for Lap. surg is scheduled for April 10th and there is not alot I can do until then. We received my letter from the RE today, it outlines my pre pre-op instructions. I have a pre-op appt and lab work to get done but that isn't till the beginning of April. The past few days hubby and I have been having some wonferfully open in depth conversations about this process and where we are and what we want out of it. Ultimately we both want the same thing. We both want a baby that is genetically linked to both of us. Where we are different: Hubby's desire for a baby no matter what is greater than his desire to have a baby linked to both of us genetically (maybe because his genes aren't at stake), My desire for a baby genetically linked to both of us is greater than my desire to have a baby no matter what (probably because my genes are at stake) I explained to him that my emotions are like a flag waving in the wind, I go from one extreme to the other. After my Lap. surg and after my blood work and the time comes to make a decision I know that it wont take me years to decide, by that point I will know where I am at and I will be able to make the decision and be ok with it even if it makes me a little sad. If we choose to use donor eggs I am not sure I will reveal that even here in this blog. I think that I will have to respect the mutual decision hubby and I make to keep that info between ourselves and our RE and no one else. I couldn't risk someone finding out before our child finds out.
My pain is still there or rather it comes and goes consistently throughout the day as usual.

I have an appointment

2008-02-22T00:54:00.001-05:00

I called the Re's office today and had to leave a message for my nurse. She called me back several hours later and explained the scheduling for the Lap. surg. As it is not an emergency and my pain is annoying but manageable I was able to get an appt. for April 10th. I know .... it seems like forever away but its really not. I have to call her when I start my next period so she can get me a prescription for birth control pills. Crazily enough it is important so that my cycle can be timed for the surgery as my uterus and other girl parts need to be at a certain cycle point and without the pill it would be hard to pin - point. I hate it but if it means the RE is better able to search and diagnose my pain and the cause then I will suck it up. In the meantime maybe hubby and I can make a baby on our own. We are definitely going to give it the old college try.

We went and dropped off all of our tax info to our accountant today so we had some time to talk in the car. We talked about where we each are on the fly. Basically where we both are on a gut level without the benefit and research. Hubby would rather pursue donor egg IVF, because our chance of success are so much greater. Me I want to be able to do at least one more IVF cycle with my eggs and if that does not work I think I could walk away from it knowing we had given it our all. At that point I would want to try donor egg IVF. So I am greedy, I want the option of both, crazy expensive. Fortunately we don't have to make that decision until after my Lap. surg. It was a tremendous relief for me to be able to express my feelings about where we are and what it does to me. I will be going into more detail on that later, the donor might be completely normal for the first 30 yrs of their life and then BAM! they could go psycho. Huh? He said what if the donor became psycho, what if we didn't know and our child could get psycho DNA. Has he forgotten that I have battled depression since I was 14 yrs old and that on occasion I have been accused of being psycho.

My pain is still here and it still seems worse when I sit for any period of time, when I stretch my body out straight the pain lessens. Who knows. I had a couple of revelations about myself today regarding my sense of self.

Selfish me

2008-02-21T00:48:00.000-05:00

Today I was hoping for some answers and I got a few but mostly I am left more confused and with more questions. Hubby and I met in the parking lot at the Re's office, I said to him as we walked toward the building that I felt like I was "a dead man walking". He laughed it off, he didn't get that the walk was filled with fear and dread for me. We ended up having to wait for quite a while to be seen, our nurse was out with her own sick child so appts. were running behind. It was ok though our RE took his time with us today. We were called back and went into his office and he explained where he thought we were at this point. He said some positives about my reproductive health, but mainly I heard the negatives. I am 40 almost 41, my ovarian reserve is diminishing, I responded better to super ovulation than to IVF protocol, he was disappointed that we produced so few eggs (7) even though he had me maxed out on the drugs. He thinks my eggs did not implant as they don't have enough energy and fuel to continue dividing at the rate needed to become blastocysts and implant. He feels my eggs run out of gas and that there is really nothing he can do about my eggs aging. He does not want to put us through unnecessary emotional, and financial hardship in pursuing another round of IVF unless we can look him in the eye and say for certain we understand that our chances of conception with my eggs is only 15 to 20 % and that we are ok with that. He brought up donor eggs and asked if it was something we had thought about or would we even consider it. I told him I had looked at it online this past week out of desperate curiosity and hubby and I stated we would be willing to learn more. He said our chances of conceiving with donor eggs jumps to 66%. Major difference in stats. and worth considering.

After he was done with his opinion we were able to ask questions and I gave him my opinion and also told him all the weird particulars regarding my spotting for days before my period started and how my cycle on lasted 3 days and it was lighter than usual. I explained my pain to him and he was stumped and asked why I didn't call him so he could take a look. He sent us to an exam room to do an ultra-sound right then. I pointed externally to the area I felt the pain internally. It as quite uncomfortable that va-jay-jay wand. Everything feels puffy in there and I told him, he looked all over my right side and ovary and said nothing was there, no follicle, no cyst, nothing, but that my left ovary had a good size follicle and that I would ovulate in the next 72 hours. The ultra-sound ruled out anything obvious but gave us no real answers. RE agreed that a laparoscopy was probably needed to get a definitive answer to my pain and a possible explanation as to my infertility. He doesn't expect to find anything except a small amount of endometriosis that would be considered normal for my age. Hubby and I informed him that we could not and would not make any decisions regarding fertility treatment until after the Lap. surgery. We needed to rule out any problems before we invest anymore time, money, or emotions. I told him point blank that I did not have it in me to do this again without a concrete answer about this pain. I have to call my nurse tomorrow to get on the surgical schedule, hopefully it wont be to long of a wait, but it can't be until after my next period. We were sent downstairs to the lab for blood work, an HCG (preg. test) and progesterone levels. He wants to rule out an ectopic pregnancy, so I will get those results tomorrow.
We did get a booklet about donor eggs and I read it tonight. It was informative, but I just can't say if I am ready to give up on my eggs and move onto someone else's. I love many children that aren't genetically mine. I know I love my children and I am sure I could and would love a child that was only linked to hubby by DNA. It would grow inside of me, and come out of my body, and I would be able to breastfeed and all that would make me feel connected to this child. That is not the issue, the issue is I want a child that is a part of both of us, I want my eggs to work. It sounds selfish. If I could try one more IVF with my eggs, well if that didn't work it would make it easier to say I gave it my all, it didn't work so lets move onto donor eggs. But both of these process's are very costly and I am afraid to have a baby I have to give up my genetic tie.

Needless to say all of this sucks, my head is spinning and I am more confused than ever. I know we are not going to make a decision right now, but my brain is a noisy brain and I have to run every scenario. I wanted more than what I got today, but I can't blame RE, he really has been straight forward and he wants what we want. He wants me to get pregnant and have a baby, he is disappointed he really thought we could make this happen....me too.

For now, until the Lap. surgery is scheduled we are going to continue to try to conceive by ourselves, there is an egg that will be hatching from my ovary in the next 72 hours, actually, minus the hour this blog took, and then the 9 hours since the appt. and we are looking at 62 hours. Better wake hubby up so he can do his part.

Tomorrow, hopefully some answers

2008-02-19T00:24:00.000-05:00

I am so twisted inside as far as this appt. with the RE goes. I am really looking forward, actually eager to meet with him and discuss all my thoughts and opinions and to hear him out. On the flip side I am terrified to go, I am so afraid he is going to tell me something that will crush me. I have been holding onto a positive attitude for the past few days. My pain is back with a vengeance, and it is more annoying than ever. I know in my heart that something is not right and I am determined to find out what it is and what can be done. Hubby are going in to this visit united in our desire for answers and our desire to conceive a child.

What I get out of this

2008-02-19T00:18:00.000-05:00

What do I get out of this blog? Up till this point I have no clue if I am the only person that sees my words, sometimes I go back and re-read. So don't get feedback, at least not yet, and although it would be nice it is not essential. I write this blog for me, to give me a place to empty my brain, to keep my thoughts organized, to remind myself of the triumphs and disappointments I face in life. A record for myself and hopefully one day a record for my child that I hope to conceive with my hubby, and for my two children so that one day they might understand that it is because of them and how much I love them that I so badly want to be a Mother again.

After tonight I have another example of why I have the most amazing husband in the world. Today at work my SIL stops by with my two nephews to give me a card from her camera so I can work on something for her and my brother. My nephews are amazing, E-1 is 2 1/2 yrs old and E - 2 is 6 months old. In total I have 6 nephews and 3 nieces. Anyway, I asked if I could take E-1 with me to pick up my two children from friends houses. SIL gladly let me take him as she had to grocery shop and it was a break for her. E-1 was thrilled to ride with his Aunt (DVD player in van) and was excited to see his two cousins. So after all is said and done and we eat dinner with hubby, my Mom and Dad the kids and I take E-1 home to his house. I had the opportunity to take a peek in E-2's room and noticed he did not have a mattress pad on his crib mattress and mentioned to SIL that it could play a role in why E-2 does not sleep well and wakes often. So we decide to change sheets and put on mattress pad too. At this point I see that the rail that slides up and down is broken, it moves freely up and down with no safety latch and also it is broken and not on track so the whole rail swings free on the left side. I freaked in a calm way. SIL said my brother rigs it to keep it stable. You see the crib was handed down from one of my sisters, actually not very old, but it seems my niece was a little rough on it. SIL's crib from E-1 was worn out so they accepted this hand-me-down. I just could not let my nephew sleep in it, SIL said as soon as they got their tax refund they were buying a new crib. I called hubby and asked him to get my crib from the the attic that I used with my children. It was late, he was tired, but he did it and then he and my brother took the old crib apart and put together mine. Let me just say I taken apart and put together this crib numerous times alone. Without instructions and having never put a crib together before, my wonderful hubby had that crib together correctly in no time. I told him that he was meant to be a Dad, I have to believe that God wants him to be a Dad from scratch.

By the way, I thought my pain was gone, it isn't.

Well I'm not pregnant

2008-02-18T02:51:00.000-05:00

I know, I know... we already knew this. Why am I telling you this now. Well hubby went to the store and brought back an HPT for me. We are both so concerned with my pain, afraid it could have meant an ectopic pregnancy, hence the pregnancy test. So I held my pee this morning while he ran to the store and then I ran to the bathroom as soon as he presented me with the lovely package. It was negative, as I knew it would be, a disappointment because a miracle would have been nice, relief because no HCG registered so that would mean I am not pregnant, which means no ectopic which is healthier for me. So I have spent the day with a heating pad pressed to my abdomen. Emotionally I am all over the place. Poor hubby, I had to meltdowns today, one earlier due the constant pain I am. He offered to take to the ER but its not that painful and I don't think it's an emergency. It is just constant and annoying. The 2nd meltdown was baby related, my fear that it wont happen, that the RE will tell me it's not worth the money to try again. I asked hubby if he would back me up in my request for Laparoscopic surgery. He says he will back me up, I think mostly because he wants my pain to stop and he hopes we might find a reason for it. Is it crazy of me to want to go under anesthesia and hope that the RE finds something wrong? Not like cancer, but something along the lines of scar tissue, endometriosis something that would explain why we haven't been able to get pregnant with or without medical help in spite of healthy eggs and ovulation and healthy sperm.

Through tears tonight I told hubby how I thought I could handle the outcome whatever it was, but I was fooling myself. I could only handle success because I expected nothing less. Failure never entered my heart. I cried my heart out and explained to him how badly I wanted to make him a Father, how bad my arms ache to hold our child. I told him how I feel like I have failed him. Adoption is not an option, not financially, plus we have both been divorced, and I battled depression in the past for many years. I won that battle, now I just want to win this battle.

What is this?

2008-02-17T01:11:00.000-05:00

OK, the pain is still there, it's mostly on and off, but sometimes it lingers for a while. It is concentrated on my right side where my fallopian tube is. It is not so painful as it is annoying and it makes me a little nervous. In addition I had an incident of spotting today. My body makes no sense. Does this have to do with all the meds and coming off of them, or is it something else? My boobs are also tender and larger than normal, kind of like when I am jacked up on all the hormones. Also I have to pee all the time, and in the middle of the night and only a drip drop, very annoying. My lower back aches too, I know it's not a UTI as I have had plenty of those in the past and recognize the signs. I cannot wait to go see the RE on Wed., Feb 20th. I have been keeping hubby aware of all the little and big symptoms that I have been having. Last night I told him I want to buy a pregnancy test just to see, I really don't think I am pregnant, but something is going on outside the norm. He forgot to get one this morning when he went out but he agrees that it is worth the money just to see what result we get. It is so confusing and I hate the way it makes my body feel, which messes with my mind. which in turn messes with my emotions.

On a different note, 4 yrs ago today my Maternal Grandmother passed away. She was really the only grandparent I ever knew. She was an amazing woman and I loved her dearly. We had 10 days with her after her stroke. We were able to tell her we loved her and share special memories and moments with her. One of my last moments with her was also one of the most amazing. She had become less responsive during the last two days of her life, my Mother called me early in the morning of Feb 16th, she said my Grandma's breathing was different and I might want to come to the hospital before I went to work. My son was off from school that day, it was President's Day, he was with a friend. My sister was going to keep my daughter for me. My dear sweet little girl and I stopped at the hospital and I sat in a chair by my Grandma's bed, I reached out and held her hand in mine, her breathing was labored and she seemed unconcious. I started talking to her, telling her it was ok to let go, that my Mom and my Uncle would be ok, that we (grandchildren) would be there for my Mom so my Grandma did not have to worry. I told her that all her brother & sisters were waiting for her in heaven, that her parents were waiting for her, that my Grandfather ( who had been dead 40 yrs) was waiting for her in heaven, and then I told her that Jesus was waiting for her with his arms wide open. At that moment she started squeezing my hand very firmly and purposefully, my Mom said "Look, she has her eye's open". I looked up into my Grandma's eyes and they were clear and focused unlike the past few days. I said to her "Grandma, you hear me, you understand?", she kept looking at me and squeezing my hand, I told her it was ok, she could let go and go to heaven. She continued to look at me for a few more minutes and then closed her eyes but continued to keep a grip on my hand. Several minutes later she relaxed her grip and slept. We all felt she was resting easier at this point. Not wanting to go to work, but my Mom convinced me to go, she said she would call me if anything changed. I kissed my Grandma and left with daughter, took her to my sister's and went to work. Several hours later I received a call from my Mom saying the time was very near and I should come. I hurried to the hospital, crying the whole way. When I got to the room she had passed away. My Mom said it had only been a minute, I hugged her and kissed her and we spent several hours with her before we notified the nurse. Shortly after the Dr. came to declare her death we left the room so they could take the moniters out, it only took about 10 minutes. When we went back in my Grandma's body was there, but she wasn't, it was like her spirit left her when we left the room. She stayed long enough for us to say good - bye. So today I honor my Grandmother Freda. I love you Grandma!

Today is also a special day for hubby and I. Today is our 3rd anniversary of being a couple, falling in love. I love you hubby!

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-15T02:18:00.000-05:00

Today is Valentine's Day, it's been a good day, but it could have been better. Why do I let that sneak in? I have two amazing children and a wonderful husband and I was able to spend Valentine's Day with all of them. I am grateful, I just feel an emptiness. We have a friend who is pregnant and scheduled for a c-section next Wed., Feb 20th the same day as my RE follow - up appt. I am happy for her and her family, I really am. I told her about my appt. and she said may this is an omen, sign, etc, her having a baby on the same day. Maybe it will be a positive appt. and I might get answers, at least the ones I need and want. I watched my beautiful daughter rub her belly and talk to the baby. She is excited for her friend to be a big sister. I see how much she loves babies and how bad she wants to be a big sister. She would be so amazing, she is so nurturing. I want her to have the opportunity to be a big sister and it makes me sad that I can't control that. I didn't cry last night, it was a first. The pain in my right side is still there and actually it was worse today. Plus I had what felt like period cramps, but the bleeding stopped 2 days ago. It makes no sense. There has got to be a reason that this pain will no go away, I feel its my sign. I have felt only the tad bit hopeful today, which is better than the hopelessness that I have felt for the past week. A small improvement, but I will take it.
My son will be 15 yrs old next month, he is counting down the days till his Birthday as it will mean a Learner's Permit for him. He is so excited. I am counting down the days till me RE appt. Am I a crazy person for trying for a child at 40 with an almost 15 yr old and a 10 yr old. I will be 41 in April, I thought for sure that 2007 was going to be our year, the year we added a baby to our family. I never imagined that it would take this long and be this difficult and heart wrenching. I was so naive and I am trying so hard to keep my bubble from being busted. I need that bubble to keep my hope afloat.

Shake it off

2008-02-14T01:18:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to shake this feeling of sadness and failure. I honestly did not realize that IVF failure would be this devastating to me. I guess I assumed because I already have two healthy kids, a loving husband, a beautiful home, and a great family, I assumed that I would be ok whatever the turnout. Hubby kept telling me that the result would not make or break us and I believed him then and still do. But what about me? It's breaking me. I have not felt this "kicked in the gut" since I was in the middle of my divorce almost 9 yrs ago. I feel like I am dying inside, I feel like the death of my fertility has occurred and I am so unprepared to give up. We haven't even met with the RE for our follow - up appt. yet and I feel so dismal. I am so afraid he will tell me it is hopeless and we are wasting our time and money, or worse that he will refuse to help me anymore. Then I flip and spend my time researching my pain and I keep coming back to the fact that my eggs were great quality, that all 7 fertilized, all 7 divided and although we had none to send to cryo we had 3 6-7 cell embryos transferred. Everything was headed straight for success and blam!!! I am now leaning toward the opinion that there is probably scar tissue in the upper right corner of my uterus where my right fallopian tube enters into the uterus. I am feeling pain in the area as I type. I have let this feeling linger for 2 yrs, the feeling that something is wrong, it wasn't there before the pregnancy 2 yrs ago. After the HSG showed no blockages and the RE seemed to be happy with those results I kind of relaxed my guard about the pain. I didn't want to believe it could be relevant and now I think it is. I have mentioned periodically to the RE and he has been non-committal. but I think that is because I have not been forceful enough in mentioning it, its more in passing. Probably because I was so engrossed in the process of the meds and ultra-sounds and monitoring. Now its time to get serious and I cannot wait for the appt. on Feb 20th. I need hope. By the way the bombardment of pregnancy, baby, fertility/infertility is getting worse. I feel like the universe is telling me something

Hanging on

2008-02-13T01:18:00.000-05:00

I am still hanging on, sometimes its by a thread. I keep expecting to feel better as each day passes, but instead the hurt seems worse. My period all bu stopped as of yesterday, now its only slight spotting again. What the heck...spotting, a 3 day period, more spotting. My pains on the right side have not left me alone, in fact they seem to be lingering longer than usual. Very annoying.
I had a serious talk with hubby today. I explained my theory about why implantation did not happen and as he is familiar with my pain he agreed that it sounds possible. Possibly that the pain is caused by scar tissue which interferes with implantation. I also told him that his refusal to discuss this loss has led to my feelings of loneliness and isolation. I explained to him that I feel as I am the only one who wants a baby still, that I am the only one that wants to continue on this journey. He said he was just waiting to hear the RE lay it all out for us. I explained that I need to him to verbalize to me if he is still on board. I need to hear him say it. He told me that he did still want a baby with me, he still wants us to try and hopefully succeed with a healthy pregnancy and baby. He just wants the facts before he allows himself to get his hopes up again. He agrees that we should make sure the RE understands about my recurrent pain in the right side and hopefully convince him to explore it to determine if that is the reason nothing has worked yet. I mean we both agree, I respond well to meds, eggs - good, sperm - good, fertilization - good, cell division - good, implantation - not so good. That's where it all went bad, so why is that? I will not be content until I get a real answer that I can live with, and I am not ready to give up yet.
I know I sound like a broken record but until Feb 20th comes along and we get to meet with the RE I just have this outlet for my feelings and thoughts. So either I bore whoever may chance by this blog or I implode from all the swirly mixed up emotions.

I cry

2008-02-12T01:18:00.000-05:00

I cry and cry, usually the crying starts because of something unrelated to the failure of the IVF. My emotions are all over the place. It feels like everyone expects me to just pick up and keep going as if everything is great. I get words of compassion and sympathy from friend and family, its nice and appreciated but its a constant reminder of the failure and it feels like a punch in the gut. I spend my time trying to show gratitude and hold the tears back. I am drained at the end of the day, not only from all this heavy bleeding but also because I spend all day with my public face on. Why is it that no one gets it? I am grieving this failed IVF and trying to hold onto hope for my future fertility. I told hubby tonight that I need him to have a positive attitude when we go for our follow-up appt. with the RE on Feb 20th. He says he will, and he wont have any preconceived opinions until after he hears the Dr. out. But, what I want from him...I want him to fight for our fertility. I want him to fight for another chance to conceive a child/children. I don't want to be the only one fighting for us. He says he still wants a child, but he is more accepting of the possibility that it might not work. I on the other hand am not accepting. Failure is NOT an option. I feel deep in my heart that I am supposed to be a Mother again, that I am supposed to get pregnant again. More than ever I am getting bombarded with pregnancy/babies etc. It could be that I am more sensitive, but I doubt it. We have been trying for over 2 years to get pregnant and in all that time I have never been this surrounded by fertility.
It comes down to my faith in my reproductive capabilities. My eggs are good, I have good ovarian reserve, I tolerate the meds well and am a decent responder. Hubby has good sperm, all my eggs and his sperm fertilized in the dish with no help, the embryos divided well, and we were able to transfer 3 embryos. So far so good, but then they didn't stick. Could it be a uterus issue? Is my uterus not a welcome environment? Could it be there is some problem left over from the cornual pregnancy that was not visible by HSG or ultra-sound? I need answers and I need a resolution. I asked hubby tonight if the reason we did not get pregnant was due to our failure to attend church. He doesn't agree, but I wonder if I need to make sure every part of my life needs working on. I am not a smoker anymore, I don't drink, I try to eat right, I am not overweight. I am thinking about acupuncture for fertility and also looking into supplements that might improve my fertility. It may be far fetched, but I am desperate and I need to be pro-active so that I don't get mired down in sadness and hopelessness. I am 40 almost 41 and that sucks big time.

It's over

2008-02-10T01:18:00.000-05:00

Today was the day, its over. My period officially started today, in fact it woke me up. Actually the pain woke me up, I tried to ignore it but it was a no go. So now the flood has begun, you would think that a girl could get a break and get a painless period after all the crap I've had to go through. So the grieving process continues and I have decided I like this whole hibernation thing. I tried not to get my hopes up when my period didn't start right away, but i couldn't help it. My heart wanted that blood test to have been to early to get a positive result. I wanted to call the RE Monday morning and tell them they were wrong. It feels like a loss all over again.
Once I saw the picture of those three embryos, our embryos, future babies, I was attached. As my son said, I was pregnant in a petri-dish. When the RE transferred those three embryos into my uterus, in my heart I became pregnant at that moment, and I felt pregnant in my heart until the bleeding. It feels like I have lost my babies. I am in no way comparing it to women that have lost babies later in pregnancy, I have actually had more than one miscarriage. But in my heart they were my babies and now they are gone, never to be. I want so badly to have a do over, a mulligan. I want to try IVF again, although it would be even better to be able to conceive naturally. I am so afraid the RE will decide I am too old, but I know there are many woman out there older than me that are able to conceive with IVF and sometimes on their own. I am sure he has patients older than me with less ovarian reserve. I truly believe he can help us. I just hope hubby believes it, he would probably be ready to move on. Not because he doesn't want a baby, he does, he just doesn't like to see me so sad, plus he came to the decision that he wanted to be a Father later in life and had accepted life without biological children. I on the other hand always wanted more children, my circumstances as a single parent just got in the way of that. Finances will definitely pay a part in whether we move forward with IVF again. It would be cool if we could get a break in that dept. I think back on a past appt. with the RE. It was a few days after I started on the Ganirelix. We went for an appt./ultra-sound, the RE asked how I was and I told him I didn't like the Ganirelix. As he performed the ultra-sound he said the Ganirelix did not like me either. I asked him what that meant and what we were going to do. He said something about it slowing me down too much, but that we had to continue the Ganirelix as we could not stop it. I was under the impression that stopping the Ganirelix and trying another med. was not an option as it might screw up this cycle. I wonder if the Ganirelix inhibited me from producing more follicles and thus more eggs. I will have to ask him about it, it may bode well that he may be willing to treat me with a different protocol, and who knows maybe it will be cheaper.
All I know at this point is that I am still incredibly sad, wishing I could hibernate forever and can't wait till my appt. on Feb 20th.

Hibernation

2008-02-07T01:18:00.000-05:00

So I have been in hibernation for the past two days. Not exactly like an ostrich with her head in the sand, more like a bear for the winter, you know surviving the harsh cold winter. I feel like I am in the middle of a winter of my soul.
I went into the office for a little over an hour today, it was awkward at best. Everyone was nice and no one brought up my sad news, believe me I was grateful. I did receive two calls from friends, not intrusive, just wanting to let me know they were thinking of me and were sorry. Hubby and I argued this morning before work. I just need some verbal and tactical support from him. He was great the night I started spotting, but now he has gone into his own hibernation and I need him present. As I wrote yesterday hubby has been sick as have kids, hubby thought he could do work today, but his body told him otherwise and he lasted less than 30 mins. I made the call and took the kids to the Dr. today. They both have bronchitis, so both received antibiotics and an inhaler. No school for either tomorrow so they will now have the weekend to heal. Actually something pretty cool is going on for my son tomorrow. He is 14 to be 15 yrs old next month, he is home-schooled because he is a dancer. He has the opportunity to take a Master Class with the Hermitage Ballet. They are a major company out of Russia. Tomorrow evening we are going to see their first US performance. We really look forward to this family evening.
As for my hormonal situation, well, I have been cramping on and off, and very slight pink spotting a very few times today. Mainly its my lower back, its killing me. My first inclination was to call the RE if I still haven't started by tomorrow, but since I am fairly sedentary I have decided to wait till Monday. If I am still only experiencing the scant spotting and haven't started the full on flood then I will call then. I figure what can it hurt and the longer I go without bleeding the more valid my concern over the lack of bleeding since my beta test was negative. Call me crazy but I am praying for a miracle. I don't want to be in denial and I have actually prayed for the bleeding to start if its really going to. This spot here, spot there is such a bore, it drags the whole process out for me, it makes it hard to move forward or to accept the answer I didn't want. Anyone have a clue as to why this would be happening. Today, Thursday was day 30 from the first day of my last period.

I knew it

2008-02-06T00:52:00.001-05:00

I was right, my heart, my instincts, my gut, it was all there. I received the call early this morning. My favorite nurse, she has been through IVF multiple times, one ended in a beautiful baby girl. She continued to expand her family with the adoption of twins. She understands the loss I feel, she has been there. She was straight forward, what is the point of trying to soften the blow as it is what it is. We scheduled a follow - up appt. with the RE for Feb 20th. She said at this point he has a very clear understanding of me and my infertility. I told her I had a few questions and she said that hopefully he would be able to answer if not address them. I really want a laparoscopic procedure of my uterus performed. Every since that cornual pregnancy I have right side pain where my right tube and ovary are located. I want to know if there is scar tissue or some other factor that could have prevented implantation. We probably should have had this done prior to moving onto IVF, but my HSG was fine so we all assumed my uterus was in good shape. Now that we have spent all this money on IVF only to end up with an empty uterus I have to wonder if we missed something. I put my whole heart and soul into this process, my longing for a baby has only increased in the past few days. The irony of the situation, I have not bled anymore and spotting is sporadic and barely there. My cramps have also gone away. What is up with that? The only plus in all this, no PIO shot tonight. The irony, no PIO shot tonight and I think I will miss it.

I stayed home from work today and hibernated in bed. I only answered the phone when the calls were from family. I could just not deal with other people. Both of my children and my hubby are sick. I figure I will face the public tomorrow and go to work until I can get both kids in to see the Dr. Probably just colds but daughter has been running fever on and off for 4 days now. Fortunately I am caught up at work so I can afford to play it loose this week.

I tried to talk to hubby tonight about my feelings about all of this and also about my possible theories as to why this didn't work. He is feeling so sick he just wasn't up for the convo. It hurt my feelings, but I understand that he feels crappy. I just feel alone. I don't want to talk to friends as they just don't understand. My family loves me and is supportive but I think they like most others think I should just accept its not meant to be. I am not ready to do that, I truly feel that I am supposed to be a Mom to one more child. I feel like I am supposed to be pregnant with our child, that hubby is supposed to be a Dad, not just a step-dad. I know its hard for him to see me so sad and let down, but if he thinks that stopping this process will make me stop being sad, he is wrong. I can't and am not ready to let go and move on. I want a baby, our baby.

I guess I will spend my time trying to re-group and re-claim my sanity before we meet with the RE. I want him to believe that he can help us, I need him to believe that he can help us. I need hubby to believe there is hope, the way I believe it.

It sucks....

2008-02-06T00:52:00.000-05:00

I started spotting last night, very light pink and very little. I tried not to let it get me down, and went to bed. What else was I going to do at midnight? Woke up cramping like a villain this morning. I was afraid to go to the bathroom for fear of seeing blood. I was surprised when the toilet paper was still snowy white. That all changed in the course of an hour, this time it was scant amount of brown. I re-grouped, sucked it up and went to work, there was nothing else for me to do and my job requires almost no physical effort. Several bathroom breaks and lots of cramping and lower back pain later I called the RE's office. It took several hours for me to hear back only to be told to come in and get a script for a blood pregnancy test. I was told that I would probably not hear back from them until tomorrow....great.... The day at the office ends and I come home to rest and take care of school stuff for kids, and see how daughter is doing, she has been running fever on an off for 2 days. Don't worry she was not alone, 14 yr old big brother was home with her (he's home-schooled) and my office is less than 5 minutes from home, we spoke on the phone no less than 10 times throughout the day. My spotting increased and at this point has turned red. Hubby and I agreed that we should continue the PIO shots until I speak to the RE tomorrow, just in case. We had run out of 22 gauge 1 inch needles so this time we used a 25 gauge 1 inch needle. It worked just fine, less pain and hubby said it was only a tad slower injecting. I cried the whole time before, during and after. Not because of any physical pain, but because my heart is breaking. It sucks so bad, I am crampy and my lower back is killing me, so not only do I have to deal with the emotional aspect of this IVF probably failing, I also have to deal with the physical aspect. My arms are empty, I am sooo sad. I want so bad to hold onto some shred of hope that my blood test could be positive and its just my body being screwy. I just can't find it in me to hold on to hope, it would crush me all the more. If I could change one thing about how we went about this process, I would have only told family and the few people at work that needed to know. I would not have shared it with friends and co-workers. Not because I don't appreciate their concern, but because I just don't have the energy to tell them it failed and I just can't handle all the sympathy, well - intended comments. I just want to crawl in a hole. I hid downstairs in our laundry - room and cried on the floor till hubby found me. Pathetic huh? I just did not want my kids to hear me like that. They will know the truth, but they don't need to see me sobbing and aching. feeling like I have lost a loved one. I knew a negative outcome would hurt, I just didn't expect it to be this painful. I thought I had prepared myself, I thought I had insulated my heart. I guess you can't enter into this type of treatment without allowing hope in too. Now what?

First, I wait for the call in the morning, after I have cried in the tub and cried myself to sleep. Once I get the call, who knows. If by a chance of a miracle it's positive we will be ecstatic and reserved. I would imagine that with my bleeding that it would require a follow - up blood test, and maybe an ultrasound. If its negative which is the most likely case, I may be instructed to go ahead and get another blood draw on Thurs. (my initial scheduled date) just to confirm. Then from there I have no idea. I do have questions so I am hoping that we will have a follow - up visit to discuss details and hopefully figure out what direction we are going to go in. I understand how people could go broke pursuing a positive pregnancy test with a resulting baby. My age may come into play, the RE may not want to treat me anymore. Finances play a role in the decision also, not so much from my aspect, but from hubby's. He is very fiscally responsible and is not interested in accruing massive debt to end up empty handed. He considers the life we have now, what we want for the future and my two existing children. All I see is the elusive baby in my dreams. How do you stop the desire? How do you stop your heart from wanting what it wants?

6 1/2 dpt

2008-02-01T00:54:00.002-05:00

It's after midnight here, I had my egg transfer last Sun, Jan 27th. I am 6 days post transfer with 3 day embryos grade B. I wonder if I could count tonight after midnight as tomorrow morning which would make me 7 days post transfer? Everyday that brings me closer to that Beta test just seems to make me more anxious. I really really want to know, but not if it's going to be a BFN. If the test is going to be negative I would just assume staying in denial and pretending that I could possibly pregnant. I keep going back and forth about POAS, I have a stick under my bathroom sink that I could pee on. I open the cabinet and look at it several times a day, but I always walk away. If I get a negative now it might have a negative impact on my attitude, and what if it's too early for levels to show up in my urine and on Thurs, Feb 7th I take my blood test and it comes back positive, then I will have been depresses and crushed for no reason. I want that call from the RE's office, but I know I will be terrified to answer the phone when I see the number, knowing that the answer to my dreams will be on the other end. Will the answer fulfill my dreams or dash them on the rocks. How can you prepare yourself for the emotional havoc that a negative result will inflict? So POAS might ease the anxiety, if I get negatives then I get a little taste of disappointment before confirmation by blood, and I can still hold on to the fact that it might be too early to show up in urine. But if it comes back positive I get a boost to help me through the rest of the wait.
In the meantime my PIO injections are going well, I have only slight tenderness at injection sites, no bruising or lumps, my husband is doing a great job of administering the shots.
My side - effects of the PIO are confusing me, my breasts are much larger and extremely tender all the time. I am crampy, mainly with activity - no matter how mild - and its mainly concentrated on the right side. My lower back aches, just like it did when I was pregnant with both of my children in the past. A new symptom/side - effect that showed up today is thigh bone aching, which I only get right before I start my period or when I was pregnant before. All of these could be signs of pregnancy or its the PIO....the hard part is having these symptoms and not being sure if its the medicine messing with me. I wish there was a way to determine which it at a date sooner than the blood-test. I hate waiting!

Another day

2008-02-01T00:54:00.001-05:00

Another day down, more to come. Fortunately I was very busy at work today, getting our company's billing out, giving my home-schooled son his exams, taking my dear daughter to get her lovely long hair cut ( it looks great....I will just miss those cascading curls). Went to dinner with friends, all in all a really good day. I am tired and the right side cramps are back. A heating pad set on low for just a few minutes place directly over the sore spot seems to help. Also up until today I have had no issues with the PIO shots, but today, both sides of my butt are sore, not sure why, no lumps or bruises.
Still trying to stay positive and hopeful.

Still waiting...but

2008-02-01T00:54:00.000-05:00

I am still in the holding pattern, its too early for any of my symptoms (huge, sore breasts, crampy uterus, tired, nausea, etc) to mean anything. I truly believe all of my symptoms are related to the PIO I take nightly. I have felt calm and cool...up until today. Not sure why, but a fear of failure hit me, a fear that I will be crushed and I will never get pregnant. I am trying to be positive and upbeat, and for the most part I am managing well. Today though I am scared of never having our dream of a baby fulfilled. I am a little more irritable today, I am cramping more and it seems to be concentrated on my right side, the same place that hurts every month before I start my period, or right before I ovulate. I never had this pain until after the cornual pregnancy. I had a HSG to make sure there were no blockages in my tubes or malformations in my uterus. The RE showed us the video of the HSG and we could plainly see that my uterus looked great and both my tubes were open and clear. I had the trail transfer right before we started the stims and my uterus checked out ok. He has never mentioned seeing any scar tissue and I have had more ultra-sounds than I can count. So why do I have pain in this one side every month, and why is my cramping primarily on this same side? I am so afraid I am going to have a repeat cornual/ectopic pregnancy. I know embryos latch on to scar tissue, what if I have scar tissue at the entrance to my uterus from the tubes. Maybe I am reading , researching and analyzing everything too much. They say that sometimes a little knowledge can be dangerous, maybe it is dangerous for my brain to have access to all this info, it makes me worry more instead of reassuring me. Also my DD's teacher, who is pregnant, she told me about her friend that did IVF, transferred 3 eggs and ended up with an ectopic pregnancy. I know she meant know harm, she was just sharing an infertility experience with me since her round belly was obvious proof that she has not been experiencing infertility. It still put an ugly picture in my head though. I don't want to worry, I want to be filled with peace and calm and positive thoughts so that I can send warm welcoming feelings to my embryos, so they will be more likely to stay. I talk to them everyday, telling them to find a nice warm spot and to snuggle up for the long haul. Not sure if it is working, but it can't hurt....right?

2WW continued.....

2008-01-31T00:35:00.000-05:00

We are a few days into our 2 week wait, not a lot to report. I am tired, I am crampy on and off throughout the day, but it does seem to get worse towards the end of the day. Any number of reasons could explain why. I am still feeling calm, unusually calm. I think a large part of that is the nightly PIO injections with a small role played by the reality that it is truly not in my control. I mean as long as I take it easy, take care of myself and follow Dr.'s orders than its out of my hands. I am aware of the passage of time and how it affects this process and when we can test for pregnancy, but I am not dwelling on it. It's like I can't muster the energy to worry, maybe that is a good thing at this point. We shared our struggles with family and many friends over this past year as we have tried to conceive and now as we edge closer to success we feel very fortunate that everyone has been so excited for the possibility of this IVF working. Everyone wants to know when we will know if we are pregnant, and the really good friends are excited yet concerned that I don't get my heart crushed in the event that this does not work. My thoughts on the next step for us should this IVF fail, well they run the gamut. On one hand nothing, no medicine, no procedure has been so difficult to tolerate that it would prevent me or dissuade me from repeating this process again. It's the emotional aspect that affects my thoughts. One minute I think I could not put myself through this again, mostly due to the disappointment but also due to my age. Other times I just cannot bear to end my child-bearing life on a note of failure. Failure is not an option for me, I hate failing. You can see the conundrum here, IVF has no guarantees, it's all risk and if your not a big gambler than the stakes of repeated failure may be too hard for you. I have yet to determine how much of my heart I am willing to gamble.

The 2WW begins

2008-01-26T23:17:00.002-05:00

Ok, so life resumed so sense of normalcy today. I woke up at a normal time and went back to work. Since my job is basically a desk job and my husband is my boss I have a lot of flexibility. I am not tied to my desk all day and can pretty much come and go within reason when it comes to running kids around and picking my daughter up from school. It was nice to be back even if my desk was overflowing with paperwork. It actually didn't take that long to get it under control and I was able to get my "flat billing" out.
I am having quite a bit of cramping on and off in my lower abdomen, mostly it stays on the right side. The same side that has always bothered me since the cornual pregnancy 2 years ago. All tests show that there are no blockages so no one is sure why I have the recurrent pain. I have been taking Tylenol with my RE's ok to manage the pain and sometimes for short measures I use a heating pad set on low on the right side. I don't leave it on for more than 5 minutes and I use the lowest setting so I really don't think I am doing any harm, after all the embryos have yet to implant as of today and I use it in the area where my right ovary is not directly over my uterus.
I am kind of hibernating from people since last Thurs. the day of the retrieval. I talked freely to friends and family about our struggle with infertility, I didn't want to perpetuate the stigma by remaining silent about our struggles. I appreciate the sympathy, empathy, support, concern and curiosity expressed by all, but sometimes I just need to keep it to myself for a bit. Sometimes I just don't want to answer questions, explain or protocol, etc. I don't want to feel alone in our journey and I want to be helpful to others that might experience infertility, and I have a hard enough time feeling like I fit in the infertility box. But, sometimes it has to just be mine. Not even hubby's, not to be selfish, but it's my body going through this whole process and sometimes I have to stake a few moments with it by myself. That is where I am now, trying not to over analyze every twinge, trying not to count the minutes till Feb 7th, trying to feel positive yet not get my hopes so high that I am crushed. Sometimes all of that requires that I hide in my cocoon for a little bit of each day....not only am I maybe, possibly growing a baby, maybe 3 of them, but I am also trying to grow myself some wings. In case I have 3 babies I might need them to fly away for a few minutes for some baby free time....LOL

Transfer day

2008-01-26T23:17:00.001-05:00

We showed up at the RE's office this morning for our 8:30am transfer still not knowing if we would actually get to transfer today. Let me tell you, holding your pee from the night before is not fun. I forbid my loving husband from drinking any of his water, I figure if I have to suffer than he can thirst to death for about 30 mins. So the RE takes us to his office and I am feeling pretty lucky at this point, based on the news yesterday. Alas disappointment was waiting. One of our 7 embryos was no longer dividing so that left us with 6, then he proceeds to tell us that 2 more embryos had slow cleavage and were probably not going to divide, so now we were down to 4 embryos and one of them he is not so sure about, it seems to be a little wonky. So we are left with 3 embryos, but he says they are dividing nicely and were very good quality. We had all agreed we would transfer no more than 2 embryos as more than 2 babies was not a risk we were willing to take. After listening to our RE and all his wisdom we agreed with him that our best chance of pregnancy was to transfer those 3 good embryos today. He honestly felt that it was not irresponsible to do so given my age and the low rate of achievable pregnancies for woman in my situation. It was almost a relief, yet disappointing at the same time. The Embryologist will keep an eye on the other 4 embryos in culture for the next 2 - 3 days to determine if they might possibly redeem themselves for cryo, stranger things have happened.
At this point its time to get this show on the road. Hubby gets to sit in the waiting room with my purse and I am taken back to the same pre-op/recovery-room from the day of retrieval where I am instructed to strip once again...oooo but I get to keep my bra on this time. After I change I am led into the OR room again but this time I have to get on the table with my butt hanging off of a wedge shaped pillow. It is placed at the foot of the bed and I scoot to the very end so my butt is up in the air and my feet are resting on the end rails of the bed and my head rests on a flat pillow....get the picture, not exactly the most comfortable position to be in. In the meantime I had a great nurse who talked me through the procedure right along with my RE. He always makes sure I understand what it is going on. So with a full bladder they press on my belly with the ultra-sound wand to make sure my full bladder is out of the way so he can see my uterus. He takes a quick peek to make sure my ovaries are fine, and they are. The nurse really likes me, I get the warm gel and the warm speculum...yep you have to be special to get one of those. I hate to have my cervix messed with so the next part, the part where he uses King Kong q-tips to clean the cervical mucus out of the way was my least favorite part of the procedure. It seems the cervical mucus can get in the way and cause the flexible tube they use to get hung up. Finally after what seemed like forever but was probably no more than 10 mins from the time I walked into the OR my wonderful embryos were brought in and were transferred into my hopefully sticky uterus. The process of the transfer only took about 60 seconds and I didn't even feel the tube and there was no pain involved. I asked the RE to hang a "Home Sweet Home" sign in there so that my embryos might feel more welcome and want to stick around....LOL The embryologist then checked the tube to make sure my embryos were in fact no longer in the tube. My bed was wheeled into the recovery area with my butt still in the air but now covered by a blanket. I was instructed to try and stay in that position for at least 20 mins but an hour if I could manage it without peeing myself. I was able to read my book and the RE was nice enough to let hubby come back and sit with me as long as he wore a pretty cap and some booties. I was afraid I wouldn't last 20 mins I had to pee so bad, but our nurse came back to hang as we were the only patients and she had locked up the front office. The RE checked on me 2 more times before he left and we hung out with our nurse. She was great, she and her husband are going through their own trial with infertility, hubby and I really felt for them as she told their story. Sometimes I don't feel I really belong to that club of infertile woman, I mean I have two beautiful children already. As the RE said numerous times, if I was 10 yrs younger I would not be in his office, I would not need his help. I have age related secondary infertility and sometimes I feel very selfish for wanting one more child. It's not just for me, its for hubby too. We learned the almost all the people that work in the office are or have been patients of my RE, so they all know what it is like to battle infertility and all the physical and emotional ups & downs that go along with it. Anyway, I made it an hour, time actually flew by. I was finally able to pee and was assured that the embryos would not fall out. With instructions to stay off my feet we headed home where I stayed in bed and napped on and off all day. Every commercial, show, website I happen upon is about pregnancy, and multiples, not sure what it means if anything, probably nothing. I am sure I am just extra sensitive right now. We are to continue my PIO shots nightly until a positive pregnancy test or until advised to stop. I took my last dose of the antibiotic this morning. We are scheduled for a pregnancy test on Feb 7th so hopefully we will get positive news at that point. Our chances aren't great, they aren't bad. Its in God's hands now. So for now I lay my hand on my abdomen and say a prayer for sticky eggs and a sticky uterus.

Update on eggs

2008-01-26T23:17:00.000-05:00

I slept in today, I only woke up to pee and with the thought that the RE should be calling soon. Ring, ring....Hello....Hi Dr. I had a feeling you were going to be calling soon. What's the news? Good news really. All 7 eggs, surprisingly very good quality. 6 eggs are grade B and 1 is a grade C. He says that is great for someone my age (40). I tell him I tried to make more, but he said he was actually happy with what we got, all 7 are quality mature eggs, all 7 fertilized and all 7 are dividing. In most cases not all the eggs are mature, less fertilize and even less divide, so we are in a good place. My dear hubby and I decided to brave the dreaded PIO shot alone and with only a few Internet videos for instruction, in addition to the verbal instructions we received from the RE's nurse and my Mom (a nurse). We were going to drag my sister (a nurse) into this science experiment as my Mom was working. But we got brave and impatient so what the hell. In case anyone reads this I will explain what worked for me. I got the heating pad warming up on the upper right quadrant of my butt while hubby drew up the 1cc of PIO in the syringe. He used the 22 gauge 1 1/2 inch needle to draw up the PIO, he found it was a little difficult to do as it is thick so you may want to warm it up in your hand or under your arm before you swab the rubber top with the alcohol swab. Once he drew up the PIO we left the needle on and he brought the syringe to me. I put it in the fold of the heating pad and continued to keep it on my rump. After a few minutes I checked to make sure the syringe and oil were only warm and not hot. Hubby then changed the needle to a 22 gauge 1 inch needle as I am thin with very little body fat (don't hate). I had my Mom, sister and RE nurse check to make sure that the needle was long enough, although most people require a 1 1/2 inch needle. Some people use 25 gauge needles, but the 22 gauge only stung a little and I did not feel the oil going in. Hubby rubbed the injection site with the heel of his palm for a minute and then I put the heating pad on the injection site for about 5 minutes. The whole process was short and almost painless, it wasn't worth the anxiety that built up to the point. Several hours later I have only slight tenderness at the site and no lumps that I can feel. I am not jumping for joy that I have to do more of these for who knows how long, but I no longer feel the dread when thinking about them.
We have an 8:30am appt. with the RE in the morning for a possible transfer of 2 of our embryos, possible because the RE will make his decision in the morning after a peek at the embryos to decide whether to transfer tomorrow on day 3 or if he wants to wait and transfer on Tues. day 5. We just want him to transfer on the day that will ensure the best possible outcome for us, which would be a positive pregnancy test.

Retrieval Day

2008-01-25T00:08:00.000-05:00

After very little sleep last night we awoke bright and early and made our way to the RE's office. In spite of the traffic we arrived on time and ready to go. Surprisingly enough I was not nervous, maybe a little anxious, but not nervous. I was at the "let's get this over with" stage. I had to fill out some paperwork for the Anesthesiologist and then they took me back, while hubby got to sit in the waiting room with my beloved jewelery in one pocket and his special reading material in his secret pocket. This special reading material was to be used to encourage him to make his deposit for our IVF. I understand he was successful. As for me, they took me back to a pre-op room where was shown a bathroom with lockers for my clothes and given a gown, socks and a lovely lunch-lady hat. After changing the nurse, who by the way was super sweet, started my IV. I have always had them in my hands but they prefer to put them in the arm, actually in the crook of my arm. At first it was uncomfortable but once they flushed it and started the saline I was fine. After a brief discussion with the Anesthesiologist I walked into the OR suite. That was a little weird. I have only had a few surgeries, but each time I was given a sedative first and then wheeled into the room. So anyway I hop on the table, lay down and they proceed to get me set up, strap my arms down (didn't freak me out) and check to see if my legs in the stirrups were comfortable (they kept me covered as it was cold in the room). I started to feel a little woozy and asked if the Anesthesiologist had given me something, I remember his response of yes and that was it for me. I was out, or at least I think I was. I recall hearing a woman screaming and was grateful to learn later it was not me. I awoke fully a little later to the sounds of the same woman moaning. Nurse checked on me repeatedly and told me that while groggy I offered to sing for them but didn't...LOL. I really felt fine at that point, just sleepy. After I assume an hour or so had passed I was allowed to dress and was taken to the exit where hubby was waiting with our van. He had already received my post-op instructions so we were on our way home. I was soooo thirsty so we stopped and got me a drink and some hashbrown cakes. I made some calls to my Mom and son to let them know I was ok. We made it home with no nausea for me. I got changed and took some Tylenol and watched tv for about 30 mins. After that the effects of the anesthesia that still lingered told me it was time to sleep again. I did use a heating pad for my lower abdomen and lower back, alternating between the two. After sleep much of the day and evening I was able to do my son's homeschool stuff for the next day and eat dinner. I was only able to take one dose of the Doxicycline today as I was told to wait till I knew I could keep it down. At this point (12:28pm) I am still having mild to medium cramping and lower back pain. I took some Tylenol PM for pain and to help me sleep. I am supposed to work tomorrow, it's a desk job. Fortunately hubby is the boss so it's up to me if I go in.

Ohhh, I almost forgot the most important part. I was told the other day that we had 12 - 15 follicles which made me feel pretty good. Anyway after procedure and on the way home I tell hubby that no one told me how many eggs were collected. He tells me that RE informed him that they collected 7 eggs.......yep that's it. RE is not sure how many are mature. We never found out exactly how many follicles I had, but if the initial count was correct then almost half of my follicles were empty. How depressing is that. The RE told my hubby I was showing my age at this point. I was too groggy to be disappointed this morning but early this evening I had a minor crying jag with hubby on the phone (he was picking up dinner and kids). Hubby said he feels good about this cycle. And he reminded me that we have enough for 3 -4 transfers and that it only takes one egg, but 7 and that is before we know if they are any good. Although the office called today to ask about the Follistim we were trading in exchange for cryo. So maybe that means we have enough for that option. I know, I know, it only takes one and we really only want one. I just feel weepy, probably due to all the meds, the anesthesia, and a little disappointment at only having 7 eggs. We are supposed to get a call from the office on Sat. to let us know when transfer is, but hubby was told it would probably be Sun.
So there we have it.....7 eggs as of today.

Almost there

2008-01-23T01:36:00.000-05:00

I had an appt. with the RE on Saturday and all was well, he estimated about 10 eggs. I was a little disappointed but he was ok with that. I was told to continue the meds, Follistim, Menopur and Ganirelix and come back on Monday. Fast forward to Monday morning and more bruises on my tummy. This ultra-sound was extra uncomfortable. Why you ask? Well, it looks more like 12 to 15 eggs, maybe more as my left ovary likes to play hide - and - seek. So my instructions were to take all three meds on Mon. night, Tues. night I was to get 200 units of Follistim at 6pm and 2cc's of HCG at exactly 8pm. So after hubby gave me the tummy shot at 6pm, I rested, cause I'm all crampy and sore. It's the watermelon size ovaries people. I trekked my soon to be sore butt over to my Mom's so she could administer the lovely rump shot of HCG. I always dread it, but she is so good that it almost never hurts, just a little soreness the next day at injection site. I start my antibiotic in the morning....Doxycycline, one in the morning and one in the evening...yippee!!! No shots on Wed. I can have nothing to eat or drink after mid-night cause the big day is Thurs. at 7:30am. Whoa..that is early, but hey why wake up, they are just going to put me back to sleep when I get there. Egg retrieval is upon us and I am excited, scared, relieved in no particular order, it just depends on the time of day. The details of the retrieval are gory so I will save them for after the fact. It should only take about 40 min. and then after being monitored for about an hour I get to come home and snuggle up in my bed for the remainder of the day. Thurs. is also a big day for hubby as he gets to be a participant finally, yep, he gets to love himself into a cup. Crossing my fingers and praying for a positive outcome with no complications...not for him...for me..LOL

I want watermelons not mangos

2008-01-18T01:20:00.000-05:00

We had our IVF appt. on Wed, Jan 16th. The RE came in and asked how I was doing on the meds. I explained that aside from tenderness at the injection sites and my abdomen feeling heavy I was doing fine. I said to him that my ovaries felt like mango's, and his response was " mango's aren't good enough, I want watermelons"...LOL Is he crazy? The ultrasound went well, I have 3 - 4 good eggs growing on each ovary, the RE really would like to see a minimum of 12 total, but preferably closer to 18. I have continued on the same meds, Follistim and Menopur at the same dosages, but we started a new one tonight. Ganirelix, it is also injected sub-cu and we chose to inject in my stomach like the other two. Wont be doing that again, the needle is the same length as my other needles, but it is larger and it hurt like a mother. Soooo I think we will be finding a nice squishy fat spot on my butt for tomorrow's injection. The other two meds have to go in my tummy but we have options with this new one, any old fat will do. My tummy looks like a dart board from a drunken tournament and I just can't abuse it anymore than I have to. Our next appt. is Sat. morning and that should give us a better idea of retrieval date. The RE said it's looking like a 25% chance for either Tues. or Thurs. and a 50% chance of Wed. Doesn't really matter to me, I am just ready to get the show on the road. The only problem is each day brings me closer to those dreaded PIO shots and I am shaking in my boots just thinking about them. I watched a few videos online of people demonstrating their techniques. I guess it doesn't look as bad as I imagined but still that's a big needle and a soft squishy place...UGH!!!

A quick update

2008-01-13T00:51:00.001-05:00

Nothing much is going on...unless you count the bruised puncture marks in my abdomen. It's tender and my lower back aches, right about where my ovaries should be. That is if they are still in the correct location and not trying to hide to avoid all these hormones. I have a low grade headache that comes and goes and my ovaries feel busy...LOL. I watched some videos showing PIO injections, so I am getting brave and am considering letting dear hubby learn how to give them. Actually it's for my convenience, if he doesn't learn then I will have to go to my Mom's or sister's to get them done. I think it would be easier for him to learn, that way I can whine and wallow on my own bed with a heating pad after he spears me. I just hope his manliness helps with this endeavor. I mean isn't jabbing an 1 1/2 long needle into the tush of your wife kind of like the hunting men did back in the days of cavemen? It's not like I will be running away ....well I might.

A shot in the dark

2008-01-13T00:51:00.000-05:00

January 11, 2008 approximately 6:30pm....we began our injections. Follistim - 360 units, I've had up to 225 units before, let me tell you the amount of medicine makes a difference in the duration and discomfort of the injection. It seems to burn a little more and already after only 2 nights of this my tummy is tender. The Menopur - 1cc, it burned more than I thought it would and it seems to be extremely slow to inject. My husband does a great job with his sticks, he is quick and smooth so I can't complain that its his technique. He seems to think the Menopur is thicker, although it looks thin and watery to me. Needless to say we have survived two nights of these injections and my body seems to be responding already. My lower abdomen feels heavy and kind of busy and tender to the touch, so I figure that on day 2, hormonally its more like day 4 of my past cycles. So far the only annoying side effect I am having is a horrible headache. It surrounds the complete top of my skull, and feels like my head is going to pop off. I've tried Tylenol as that's about all I can take, but it hasn't helped yet. If the headache continues through tomorrow I will call my RE and see if he has any recommendations or if he wants to see me sooner than Wed to check and make sure I am responding to the meds within the normal limits. I'm sure to anyone reading this, it is about as exciting as watch paint dry. The whole point of this blog was for me to document this process for myself, and hopefully my future child. If it answers questions about infertility or IVF for anyone then that's great. Please know that this is my personal experience and not to be construed as medical advice in any way. Only an individuals Doctor is qualified to advise them on any medical conditions that they may be facing.

Baseline

2008-01-11T00:50:00.000-05:00

I went for my first official IVF appt today. Back up to last night around midnight...I finally decided to read all the literature that the RE gave, consent forms, information, etc. What do I find....oh crap....we forgot to get our blood tests done. They have to test you and your spouse for HIV, Hepatitis and a few other contagious diseases. The FDA requires this testing before they will allow any of your frozen embryos to be stored. Fortunately it did not affect our schedule and we were able to get the blood work done after the appt.
The appt. itself was almost mundane, I expected a little fanfare, you like some trumpets or a drum roll, but nope. Just strip from the waist down and lay on this table with the warmest paper sheet we offer, put your feet in the stirrups and relax. So I have a tiny cyst on each ovary but RE says its no big deal so we are good to go. We met with the IVF nurse who had to witness our signatures saying that if we don't pay they will claim any conceived children and will auction them off to cover any remaining debt...LOL
Fri, January 11th we begin our meds, I have the joy of receiving 2 shots every evening until my next appt, on Wed, January 16th. We begin our cocktail with 360 units of Follistim and 1cc of Menopur, sounds tasty huh.
I have put in a request for a prescription for some Emala(sp?) creme for my butt before we start the PIO shots, the nurse just laughed at me. Fortunately for her she avoided being slapped due to the fact that she herself is a veteran IVF'r, but she said she would ask the DR. I also asked why a complimentary prescription of Xanax is not included with this IVF protocol as I believe everyone would benefit from me being on it...LOL. As I sure my stress level will continue to rise during this process I figure a little sedation might be good for my little egg friends, you know to kind of dull the roar they hear coming from me periodically. I love me some Tylenol PM, wonder if that is contraindicated, couldn't get an answer about that, I guess I will have to rely on my own super Internet sleuthing to find out.
I really want this IVF to work the 1st time and part of me thinks it will. I have to think that way to get through this, but what if it doesn't, I am so afraid it wont. I mean there are no guarantees, but we did find out that my RE's office has one of the highest success rates in the country. Pretty cool! Maybe he has some cool mojo going on and meets with the embryos prior to transfer. So tonight is my last night of freedom, tomorrow my body becomes a very expensive science project...stay tuned

Day 1

2008-01-08T01:22:00.000-05:00

I took my last b/c pill last night and already I am spotting. I expect my uterus to be falling out by tomorrow night if the past is any indication of the future. Then onto Thurs. for my baseline appt. with the RE.
Is it ok that I am envious of all these celebrities that are announcing their pregnancies? I mean don't get me wrong, I have two amazing children already, does it make me greedy that I want one more? I am truly happy to read that Halle Berry is preggo and Nicole Kidman too. Like the rest of the world I am well aware that they have both been hoping to conceive their 1st children for a long time. Nicole has to adopted children so this is her 1st bio child. But then I read about Lilly Allen, Jessica Alba and lastly Jamie Lynn Spears and it makes me go....WTF! They are all young, unmarried and weren't planning on being parents for a while. I would bet money that each of the those pregnancies was accompanied by and "Oh S**t" before it sunk in and they accepted it. Here I am 40, old in comparison to them and I have be trying to conceive for over 2 yrs, I know that's not a long time compared to many, but I only have so much time before my eggs expire.
It just kills me to read about young teen girls getting pregnant and thinking that a baby will solve their loneliness, will keep a boyfriend around, will fix whatever is empty inside them. They have no clue how much work a child takes to raise. How it changes every aspect about your life. They just seem so cavalier about the situation. And then there are others like myself who are praying nightly for a child to love and raise, who can't wait to be pregnant and experience all the changes our bodies will go through. I am 40, my body will never be 16,22 or even 30 again and that is fine with me....just give me one healthy baby Lord.

Happy New Year....and the countdown begins

2008-01-06T02:19:00.000-05:00

The new year started out alright. Now if the rest of 2008 would kindly follow suit and stay in step I would be ever so grateful.
Now on to the good stuff, well not good, but scary. I ordered my meds for the IVF and they arrived on Friday. Can I just say that there is nothing joyous about a package filled with 35 1 1/2 inch needles in it. Yep, that's the size, 22 gauge, I might as well have gone to Mickey D's and swiped a handful of their drinking straws as they are roughly the same size and lets face it, the straws are way more colorful and cheerful. As we already have our stash of Follistim and HCG we only had to order the Menapur (sp) and the Ganirelix (sp) and my very favorite PIO (Progesterone in oil). I have my baseline U/S appt on Jan 10th and will be given instructions on when and how much of each med we are to start using. I say we to mean, Me - the recipient of horrible injections in my so very tender stomach and He - being my ever so accurate with a sharp object of a husband. From the little I re-call during my last visit and lets be honest here, I have not looked at the patient info packet they gave me, I will begin with the Follistim and Menapur injections in my stomach for several days. I will be seen every couple of days by the RE or rather my uterus and ovaries will be seen to determine how my eggs are coming along. Once they reach a certain size (Mars seems about right) then I will begin the Ganirelix also in the stomach...fun fun. But that is only the beginning folks. At such time that my eggs measure equal to the planet Neptune I will be given one of my favorite cocktails, the HCG injection in the rear, not to be confused with a shot of tequila, it goes down a little smoother but still stings like tequila and leaves a nice tender bruised spot on my butt, just like when I have had too much tequila, but there is no great buzz to go with it and I have yet to get my husband to add salt and suck a lime when administering it. Not sure how it works after that, but I get to be asleep for it, the retrieval of said planets from my ovaries. Being put to sleep and getting to take the day off from work are the only benefits that I am looking forward to at this point. I will save the excitement I feel about the PIO for another day.